Friday, February 26, 2016

But Do You Know The Penalty For Making Eye Contact?

I'm 'beefing' with the mayor on twitter this morning. I guess that makes me a Person Of Influence (TM)

Now that I am a Person Of Influence (TM), I must say, the sunshine feels better on my skin, the air tastes sweeter, and my hair, oh lord, my hair, my hair has grown thicker and more luxurious than God had ever intended hair to get. It's glorious.

I really don't know how you normies get through the day without hanging yourselves. Grey skies, coffee that tastes like lukewarm water. Cable sitcoms. Is that even living?

It's more like dying in slow motion, if you ask me. Which you would, obviously. I am a Person Of Influence (TM), and my opinion is worth a lot more than yours is. If your opinions could even be said to be worth anything, which, I gotta say, is highly suspect.

However, being a Person Of Influence (TM) is a life not totally spent basking in privilege. We carry a burden of noblesse oblige, and I take all my responsibilities very seriously. And so I will generously impart on you normies some of my wisdom.

The mayor says that I know a lot about hockey, and as Person Of (lesser, definitely much more minor) Influence (TM) himself, he obviously knows what he is talking about. While my mastery of subjects encompasses a vast array of topics, really, more numerous than the stars in the sky, if I am internationally renowned for my exquisite hockey wisdom, so be it. Who am I to argue with the mayor on this?

So come; If you have an inquiry as to the frozen game, do not be intimidated by my presence. Ask your questions, no matter how troublesome or querulous, and I will answer with such exquisite sagacity that your tormented soul will be put into a state of imperturbable serenity.

As a Person Of Influence (TM), it is, really, the least I can do.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.