Tuesday, September 18, 2018

The Dichotomy Of My Tabs

On one tab, I have the 'Conversion of the Khazars'. The Khazars were like a nomadic warrior peoples of central Asia, think the Huns, who converted to Judaism. Noted as excellent warriors and horsemen.On the other tab, I have pornhub up, searching for hindu actress porn.

On one tab, I have 'Longinus'. Longinus, Saint Longinus I guess, was the soldier who stabbed Jesus while he was up on the cross with a spear, to see if he was dead. On the other tab, I am searching porn gifs under 'eye contact'.

On one tab, I have 'the Silk Road'. The trade route that connected Europe to China. I am reading about how it was under the Mongol Empire. On the other tab, I am looking up how to tie a proper bondage knot.

On my phone, I am looking at pictures of my dog, before going to the next picture, which is of nudes some girl has sent me.

Hope everyone gets written into the Book of Life this year. Except Derek Wills. They should fire Derek Wills.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Flames Post: Season Ticket Package Sucked


Ok, so the Flames Season Ticket Package Box Container Thing came to my house yesterday. I will now tell the void all about it.

Last year, iirc, the tickets came in a tin box. This year, the tickets came in a, I don't know, paper product box. Like nice cardboard, I guess. I prefer the tin box because I can use it for shit, like to hold my drug paraphernalia, which I can't do with the cardboard box because they glue shit into it, like the little shelf thing they put your tickets in. So right off the bat I was like "this shit is lame".

I mean I don't have the fanciest tickets, and maybe the quality of the box changes with your ticket level, but last year I was in shittier tickets, so I doubt that. I think everyone gets the same box. Maybe suit holders get something better. But I upgraded my tickets and the box was shittier so I have to assume everyone got the shittier box. I don't like it. Step up to cheap tin, fuckdammit.

You open the box and what do you get? You get a nicely printed booklet that shows off the charity the Flames do. That's nice, charity is nice, mitzvahs are nice, but I'm a selfish asshole so I don't really care about that shit. You also get a schedule for the Flames, which is NOT magnetized, I repeat, NOT magnetized, which is just fucking retarded. I actually complained to my season ticket customer service rep over it. Give us a fucking magnet schedule you fucks. You also get a nice little poster, which is useless, and you get your tickets. That's it.

Listen, I know I am paying for the tickets, but would it kill the Flames to include something nice as a thank you for giving them a seasons worth of ticket money in June or July or whenever the fuck they make us pay? Like, my tickets cost about 2 grand each, which I've paid already. Could a brother not get a bobble head or a stuffed Harvey the Hound? I mean, we should get a jersey for every ticket we buy.

Oh, and the letter from Ken King this year was about six sentences. Usually I post them but there was no 'there' there on this one. No talk about the stadium, as there has been the last two season ticket letters, and no talk about, well, anything really. "We have new players and we hope to have an exciting year, basically". Which is kinda odd, seeing the stadium is the elephant in the room.

Furthermore I think Derek Wills should be fired. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

I Don't Have A Title To This Post About This Taiwanese Girl Who Kept Screaming

Holy fuck. The dating world is full of freaks.

So I met this girl, Asian because of course, and we are chatting or whatever. I think I met her on one of the STI apps, bumble or tinder. Could have been a real life meet but my real life meets are usually less damaged. Whatever, doesn't matter. I met this girl and we are chatting. Using Whatsapp or some shit. Because I can't get pictures when chicks text me, so I have to use other shit. The savvy ones send me them over Snapchat because they disappear after, but this chick is sending them over Whatsapp. Again, whatever, not important. Point is, we are chatting.

I'm fresh off the defeat in 'game seven' of NCHL playoffs, where my very cool and fun team lost in the city championships with a Flames versus Ducks like effort. Regular readers will recall that I almost always make the finals in some sport I'm playing but I have never in my life actually won the finals. So second place, yet again. I'm kinda pissed that we weren't able to take the trophy home, so I send her a text saying so. Something like "lost in the finals, sadz" or some shit. The content doesn't matter. "I can cheer you up" is what I was fishing for, and what I got back.

Obviously I say "sure" because I am an empty human being who uses women for sex in a perpetual bid to forget some girl who broke my heart a long time ago. She then tells me she doesn't have a car. Great. Where do you live? It's actually not that far away so I say I'll come over. I can't though, I'm informed, because she lives in the living room of an apartment and she has roommates and blah blah blah. Whatever, I'll come pick you up, be outside.

I arrive and of course the girl makes me wait 15 minutes before coming down. It's like 1 am. I am not a happy camper at this point but what are you going to do. I don't love fucking in the Challenger, so I drive her to my place. I'm planning to take my displeasure about having to pick her up and having to wait on the poor girls throat and punani. So I'm cheering up.

The girl starts to pull some shit when we get back to my place, you know, it's 1, 130, and she called me to have sex, but she doesn't want to look easy. Fucking women. I'm not in the mood so I laugh and just assume the sale and the girl is in my bed pretty quickly. She hits me with 'use a condom'. Fuck. I won't get into it but only a certain subsection of the population get STD's and because I don't fuck schvwartes I don't use condoms. This asian bitch insists on it though.

So it's like 1:30 AM, on a Thursday for fucks sake, and I'm about to get my fuck on. Usually I eat pussy but this chick has me in a bad mood so I don't go down on her, I just use my hand. I get her started, and I tell her to suck my dick. The bitch could not suck a dick. It was amazing. Like, not in a good way amazing, like when you hear that Troy Brouwer got another contract amazing. It was terrible. She literally left teeth marks on my cock.

I stop the most awful BJ I've ever had and put a condom on. I was initially going to have her use her mouth to put my condom on but at that point I was worried about my safety. I've already been circumcised once, don't need to do it again. Condom goes on and I put it in the girl and...holy fuck.

Now I just want to set the scene a little. I am not rocking a 14 foot cock. I'm a normal guy, normal size. I'm not in any porn movies, ok? Nothing special. Ok? Well, I put my cock in this girl and she starts SCREAMING. Like, SCREAMING. The caps don't do it justice. She is loud. LOUD.

Now, I can't lie, when it first happens it is a bit of an ego boost. I think she is just doing it to make me feel good, fully expecting it will quiet down in a few strokes. Nope. I keep going and she keeps SCREAMING. Like, I look down expecting to see blood or something, she's making it sound like I'm hurting her.

It's almost 2 AM on a Thursday. I live with my brother. He's literally in the next room. I can't have this bitch SCREAMING all night. Normally I'd stuff a chicks panties in her mouth if she's being noisy, but I can't find her panties. She's naked, I can't use her tshirt as a gag. I don't have anything around, so I cover her mouth. Protip: All chicks want to be raped, so when you cover their mouths in a brutish manner they get wet. So instead of quieting this bitch down, the hand over the mouth gets her hot and she starts getting louder. Like, she's trying to be loud through my hand.

I had enough. I'm too old for this shit. I faked an orgasm. I was actually very happy at that point that I was wearing a condom, because it does allow a male to fake an orgasm. I tell her I came, rip that condom off and throw it in the trash before she can see it, and forgo the cuddle and basically take the bitch home immediately after.

Tough too, because she was kind of cute. But as I was fucking her and she kept SCREAMING all I could think about was that it would be like this every time. Women give me a headache as it is. I couldn't live with sex that loud.

To make the matter more absurd, we are chatting a few days later (don't burn bridges and all that) and she tells me that she had gotten out of a relationship and I was the first guy she had been with in a few months. The guy she was dating? A Jamaican. Those dudes pack.


Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

You Ever Just Become A Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird?

So I'm just sitting at work, half asleep from a night of staying up watching porn after spending the previous three hours fucking a 21 year old, and I'm looking out the window from my corner office when BAM out of nowhere I see this fucking squirrel taunt me. The little shit is literally throwing nuts at my window and letting me know that my existence as an office serf is SOOO amusing to it. Meanwhile the squirrel doesn't have to push paperwork or deal with government red tape bureaucrats or any of the shit, just gets to chillax in the sun and mock me. So I look at the thing and I think "what the hell can I do to this little fucker to really teach it not to step to me" when it hits me: Become the original stealth plane that was developed from the alien technology located at Roswell. And that's exactly what I set out to do. Now you can't transmute into a SR-71 Blackbird inside of an office, that would be fucking impossible. I have to go outside. But you know how offices work. A bunch of KGB agents around here. So I get up to leave the office so I can wreak furious anger and vengeance on the little squirrel who has flaunted his free and easy existence one to many times when I get stopped. "Where are you going?" they want to know. "Fucking classified" I shoot back. A SR-71 doesn't even officially exists during 'nam, and I aignt about to throw the whole fucking secret program down the tube. Who do these fuckers think they are dealing with? I'm not a fucking MiG. So after blowing off all the nosy cunts trying to block my path out the door, I do what I set out to do. I stretch a little because one can't just become a stealth jet without stretching, everyone knows that. I have to go on autopilot because I'm no fag, I aignt letting some dude inside me. And I start flying around, and I look for the squirrel but the little bitch knows I'm coming for it now, probably one of the office cunts, the fucking secretary I bet, ratted me out. No problem, I'm equipped with radar it's probably state of the art radar too I mean I am a fucking top secret stealth jet so I mean I aignt exactly rocking mid tier shit here, but the problem with radar is I have no clue how to fucking use it so I just start by blowing up all the trees. And that works because I don't see no more fucking squirrel outside my office.

Fucking miss that guy though. Shared a bond.

Furthermore I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

A Girl Texted Me As A Wrong Number And Now I'm Sleeping With Her

She's 22 and still lives with her parents. Crazy world out there, ya'll.

Best part? She isn't Asian. A white girl. Manna from heaven. God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I get this text from a random number, and I can't remember what I said and I'm too lazy to look, it was something like 'wrong number, are you a chick though? And are you cute?" and from that we flirted and then I had her out to a softball game (that I didn't play in because my hand is mangled) and then from there she came over and...I have really good closing percentage.

The hindu girl I'm still madly in lust with actually sent me a text this week too.

My father recently asked me why I bought a Challenger instead of renovating my kitchen. Well Pops, this is why.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Did I Bang The Family Friend's Daughter? And Other Events

I don't even remember where we were. I had told you guys about the family friend's / client's daughter? Did I hit it? Did I?

I did not. I went soft. I couldn't pull the trigger. Also, she was...she was too nice. I couldn't do it to her.

Her opener was strong, though. Usually women give you the shittiest openers, because they never have to do them in real life. This one hit me with a "It's not Monday, but you can be my Woah-Man Crush Wednesday," which I thought was pretty cute. So I talked to her but not like how I usually talk to women on these apps, which means I was nice. 'Nice' is usually a good way to get a date, but I was conflicted about whether to throat fuck this girl in the first place, so I went with nice. To my surprise she kept talking to me. Eventually I just unmatched.

So nothing real salacious. I ejector seated. Couldn't go through with it.

Other news? I took a come-backer playing softball to my hand. The ball, at a not slow velocity, hit my ungloved hand and smashed into the area between my pointer and middle finger. Read that again. Then go take a look at how big a softball is. Then go look at the space between your pointer and middle finger. So my hand fucking ripped open. It wasn't that bad. I had three stitches. Two at the end and one in the middle of the gash.

I totally tough guyed it at the field, too. Some chick wrapped my hand up while I smoked cigs and chugged whiskey. It was legendary.  Didn't even flinch.

It kind of ruined my vacation, though. Had to miss the summer league's playoff game, which they won. It wrecked my right hand, so I had to have one of the girls over to, uhh, you know, help me out. She did my laundry too, which was nice, but now I'm going to have to blow her off because she probably thinks I like her now. You know how it is.

My little cousin is in town. I have a few fancy cars so I had him take some pictures in those, had him take a picture of my dog. Told him to download Tinder and make a profile. He did, and he got a couple of matches on his first day. He tells me he doesn't like it though. He thinks the girls are 'too hoe-y". Lol. He's a good kid.

I'm in the 200 section now at the Dome, and they called me to see if I wanted my tickets on a card (what I'm used to coming from the 300 section) or if I wanted paper tickets. Felt good, man.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

What Do You Do Bumble Edition

Got a match on Bumble today. Cool beans, right?

Match was a client's daughter. And not just a 'clients daughter'. A client who also happens to be good friends with my Father and Mother. A client who my Father and Mother introduced to his wife, a million years ago. A client I have known since before I was out of diapers. A client who I have had passover dinner with, at his house.

What do you do?

Now, on Bumble I do not use my real name. But I do have pictures of myself, and I do have pictures of my dog. My dog is fairly unique in that I have seen one other dog that looks like her. She's a pointer but she's black and white. This client's daughter has looked after my dog when I went on vacation last year. She therefore knows what my dog looks like.

I do not know if she knows who I am or she thinks she is matching with a rando.

What do you do?

I am not nice with girls, I think I should point that out. Like, they have a good time with me and all that, but that's what I am, a good time. I am not 'boyfriend material' and I do not act like I am (one of the reasons girls fall head over heels for me so often). If I get with this girl and treat her poorly there could be repercussions.

What do you do?

In Speed, the guy shot the hostage in the leg. He tried to make the play. I feel I should try to make the play. Any differing opinion on this?

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.