Thursday, March 26, 2015

Legit Question I'd Like The Media To Ask Hartley

So I like Colborne.

You all hate Colborne.

Which is fine. The beauty of life has been stripped away from your souls and left you cynics. Which is fine. Really.

But here's the thing: You guys are probably right. I don't even debate that. Colborne, compared to other legit NHLers, probably sucks.

Which is one of the reasons I like him. I like rooting for him. I myself suck at hockey. I am getting better, but I am under no illusions. So I like guys like myself, guys who suck. I root for them.

If the team was actually hyped to win anything, I'd probably hate him. But it isn't.

Anyways, here is my questions.

Is there not a story here?

I get that the Herald and the Sun write about what they are told to. I get that. But to me, here is an easy story.

So what I'd like is this. Next time Hartley is talking to the media, if someone in the media could ask a question like this:

"Stats (advance and traditional) show that Colborne is struggling. You (Hartley) seem to have confidence in him, playing him 15+ minutes a night consistently. What are you (Hartley) seeing in the player that the stats are not showing?"

And then let him talk.

I like learning. I like seeing new perspectives. This question, I think, lets Hartley talk about his hockey philosophies. It's informative, even if Hartley answers with BS or coachspeak.

(I get that many of you think "He has to play him because Burke told him too" and that the coach can't say that. I acknowledge that.)

Anyway, that is it. That's all I wanted to say.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Don't Kiss Chicks Hands As An Adios Move, Dudes.

Ok ok ok ok ok.

So I'm at the game last night, as is my want, as I am a fancy pants season ticket holder. My seats are in the nosebleeds, which is fine, but not ideal. The good thing about the seats is that you get a good view of seats in the upper and lower bowl that are empty.

We (shitty writing, who is we? My brother and I, now fuck off) get to the game late, get beer, get food, and get to our seats. There is about 10 minutes left in the first. We sit down for about a minute, scout out the place, find some good seats that are empty, and proceed to make our move.

The seats we have selected are in the lower bowl, in the section that is right above the zamboni entrance. People have told me this is 104. I don't really know. What I do know, from previous discussions, is that a chunk of this 104 section is for the team. In English, that means it is the friends and family section.

So we get down to the section, and there is half a row of empty seats. As we made our way down from the nosebleeds, other people have started to fill up the empty row. Fellow travelers.

I've been down in the 104's before, quite a few times, actually. Usually it is not filled with hotties. This time, it was filled with a bevy of blondes. WAGS. Which is pretty cool, because they are pretty, and what guy doesn't like taking in the scenery?

Sitting in the occupied half of the row is a blonde and her blonde friend and the blondes baby. She keeps saying stuff like "waive to daddy!", which is kinda a tell. In front of me sits a blonde (twitter told me she was TJ Brodie's squeeze), a redhead (cheered very loudly when Bouma scored, so...), a dude, a brunette (dude's wife? idk), and then a top shelf candy blonde. Also, there are two dudes sitting to the right of the candy blonde, which will become important later.

The focus of my story is the candy blonde. 

The candy blonde is wearing a leather jacket, leather pants, fancy nails, heels, hair done up, make up, pouty lips (which is why she is a candy blonde), the whole nine. I'm on my best behavior. I don't even say "hello." to the girl.

However, a fellow seat stealer, who, despite all the cues around him seems to not have picked up what section he is sitting in, is not worried about decorum and all that bullshit. He is worried about love. And the heart wants what it wants. And he wants candy.

Homie makes his move, and everyone, and I mean everyone, in the section, holds their breath. We are all pretending to watch the hockey game, but the real game everyone is watching is Romeo try to seduce the candy blonde.

And Romeo starts out strong, I got to say. His opening line was "You don't look like you are enjoying the game." and she bites. She turns around and starts talking to Romeo. He introduces himself. They shake hands. All is good, but Romeo doesn't read the situation right. He doesn't slow play.

Romeo: Are you here alone?

Candy Blonde: Yeah, sort of.

Romeo: Why don't we get out of here at the end of the period and go grab a drink?

Candy blonde demurs.

And then Romeo looks at the blonde/redhead/dude/brunette combo sitting next to the candy blonde and says "Your friends can come, too. Drinks on me."

But again, candy blonde demurs.

Now Romeo is about to drop another line when the two dudes sitting to the right of the candy blonde interrupt. "Buddy, you don't get it. She is here with one of the guys on the ice!",a nd candy blonde laughs in a way that indicates that it is true.

Game over, right? I would think so. But Romeo scrambles. He attempts a last ditch attempt at seduction. He puts out his hand again in the universal gesture of the handshake. When candy blonde goes to shake his hand, I guess to say goodbye, the dude brings her hand up to his mouth, and kisses it.

Kisses. Her. Hand.

I almost threw up in my mouth. You know that scene in "Don't be a menace in south central while drinking juice in the hood" when the one Wayan licks the neighborhood bicycle's feet? That feeling I had watching that (revulsion) is the same feeling I felt watching dude kiss this chicks hand.

And let me tell you why: The 'kiss her hand' move is...and this is skeevy introduction move. Hi, I am Romeo. Hi Romeo, I am Juliet. And then Romeo would kiss her hand and say something like "enchanted". It is also a move you should only attempt when properly dressed (ie in a suit for fucks sake) and in a proper setting (like in a formal ball, you skeevy fuck). It is not a move you pull after hearing the chick has a boyfriend and is shooting your advances down. It is also not a move you pull as a goodbye.

Because it's fucking gross to pull that shit at a hockey game. Hands are gross, mouths are gross, and strangers are gross. It's the Bermuda triangle of puke.

Anyway, dude kisses her hand, everyone in 104 laughs, and candy blonde has to sit there for the rest of the game in this awkward ass situation. Not to mention Romeo, but Romeo has no shame, and I know because he went to kiss a girls hand when she basically said "no I do not want to fuck you."

So that's the story I wanted to share.

Other shit that happened: All WAGS hate other WAGS. They talk shit on each other when they get up to leave to go to the bathroom.

Some Flames employee asks me if I want to ride the zamboni but I said no because there were little kids around. I say take on the of the kids, and the flames employee does. Then the zambonis come out and nobody is riding them. When the flames employee and the kid comes back, the kid says to me "I was scared to ride the zamboni.", so the lesson here is to never be nice to children. Because they are scared cowards.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

I Was In The Bathroom At Work And Somebody Came In And Started Picking A Fight With The Urinal

So I'm at work. Lucky me.

And so I gotta take a shit. I save all my shits for work. So I shit at work an awful lot. And this was one of those times.

So I get up from my desk, leave the office, go down the hall, walk into the bathroom. It's empty. Fucking lovely, I'm thinking.

The bathroom is a normal one. It has two stalls for shitting, and two urinals. One of the two stalls for shitting is set up to handle retards/people who need to change diapers. It's big. Of course, that's the one I like to use.

So I head in, drop the trousers, and set up shop. As I'm working away at the assignment, I hear the bathroom door swing open.

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

What? Did somebody just come into the bathroom and proclaim "What the fuck are you looking at?", and if he did...who was he talking to?

And so I'm shitting, waiting for whats going to happen next.

I hear pissing.

"You're not so tough."

So at this point I don't think he is talking to me. I think he is talking to the urinal.

*Talking to the urinal.*

My brain can't believe it. It's telling me to get ready to fight this motherfucker when I step out of the urinal. But I tell my brain to relax, because the crazy guy is clearly talking to a urinal. Clearly.

"Fuck you."

"Eat shit."

"Fuck you."

And all the while, the piss sound. This guy is pissing in and swearing at the urinal. And it's amazing.

I'm half expecting the guy to start throwing punches. But he doesn't. He flushes the urinal.

"You're not so tough, tough guy."

It's taking everything I have to not laugh.

The dude leaves, and I finish up, admire my work, flush, and leave the stall. I look around. Is there another guy in here? But no. No one. It's empty.

He was talking to the urinal.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, March 2, 2015

DB Trade Deadline Is Bettah

First, the important thing.

Rec league game last night. I had 5 shots on goal. I even had a breakaway.

Notice I am not talking about all the goals I scored and points I put up. Because it was 'none'. Still, 5 shots and a breakaway. I was pretty pleased.


DB Trade Deadline was pretty good:

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


Friday, February 27, 2015

The Best Player On The Team Gets Hurt And Nobody Knows What Is Hurt In A Media Market Of One Million People

Giordano gets hurt. On February 25.

Nobody knows what is hurt on him.


It's February 27.

Still nobody knows what is hurt.


Look, I think I get it. They don't want to say anything so close to the trade deadline. Why? I don't get that part. They must assume that news of Gio going down is going to increase the price of adding a player. Or because the season is now lost maybe they think it turns the third rounder they were going to get for Glencross into a fourth rounder.

But fuck that shit. This team should not be adding, anyways. And if we are moving Glencross just to do the guy a favour, who cares about the return?

So it's a bit maddening to me. I don't get it. Worse, I'm a paying customer, a season ticket holder. And I feel the team is deliberately keeping me in the dark about something which pisses me off. (I mean, keeping me in the dark about something beyond the scope of things all teams keep their fans in the dark about).

The only other thing I can think of is that Gio is hurt but he might be able to play through the injury the rest of the year before seeking treatment in the offseason, so they don't want the league to know what body part is hurt so no one destroys it during play. But if that's the case why not just go with upper/lower body injury and go on.

I just hope the dude isn't pregnant.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

This Post Is An Excuse To Post A Picture Of An Attractive Woman Below The Break Line

I mean, she's pretty mean. You'll understand.

What is actually going on? Nothing.


Well, not really. Some hitler named Steve Bernier attacked Gio maliciously with one second left in the game and now Gio doesn't have a knee anymore.

It's fucking horrible.

Oh well. Guess we can't trade him anymore. Darn. We could have gone to 'Nam with all the draft picks he would have gotten us.

And Ortio got hurt so we can't trade Ramo.

And Glencross is worth a third round pick.

Sigh...Two more years until this team is even close to being good, I guess.


Softball update.

I could field two teams. I got over twenty responses.

As I've been saying on twitter, I can convince women to play softball with me, I can't convince woman to play with my soft balls.

Life just aignt fair.


Nik Lewis is the best and I will miss him immensely.

Stamps should retire his number, obviously.

Nenshi should declare a day "Nik Lewis Day"

That is all.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Softball Crash

This is kinda funny in a "you're so sad, DB" type of way.

All the girls on my softball team quit on me over the offseason. It was hilarious!

One died. Died! Well that's not true. One died the year before. This year, one just went MIA and no one has seen her since and her mom calls us sometimes to ask us if anybody has seen here.

One got divorced because she slept with a guy on our team and her husband didn't like that very much. And then she got mad about having to get divorced and blamed us. Which makes sense, totally. So she's gone.

One quit because one of the guys on the team, who was subsequently cut because of it, made a comment about her being fat. You see, she was fat, and then we met her, and she got skinny. But chicks who were fat never forget. So this guy reminded her she used to be a fatty in a moment of high stress (she was at bat in a tie game late). "Hit a homerun, fatty" or something is what he said. She walked off the plate, slapped the guy, and left. Haven't seen her since.

One got into the needle and the damage done. I mean, I know I can be abrasive but...

And then one got married and is having kids and is all grown up now.

So we had no girls and the softball team was dead. But I have nothing to do ever, so I was like "you know we should have a team so I can get out of the house at least once a week." And so I began my journey to recruit strangers.

Within 12 hours I recruited 5 girls. Pubs and internet, basically.

I cannot get a date. Try as I might, I cannot close. But I can, it turns out, convince 5 strangers to play with my softball team.

And I had a big bushy moustache at the time I was recruiting. So I looked like a pedo. It's fucking nuts, my luck.


Jew Hockey season is ending. I got 9 points in 20 games. Yes, I suck.

But I cannot recommend the sport enough. I never played when I was a kid, and only picked it up in my mid-twenties. But it is fun. It's probably the most fun I have playing sports. I mean, my first love is basketball, because I've always played that, and am a short Jew, and short Jews have a bit of a love affair with the sport, because we cannot dunk, yet all we want is to be able to dunk. It's like dating a non-Jewish chick. And I'm not saying basketball isn't fun, because it is. But hockey is fuuuun.

You fly on the ice. That's the most succinct way to put it.

So if you are looking to get active in the winter, take up hockey. Or shinny, down at the ODR. If you have never played, it will take about a year before you get your sea legs under you, but you will have fun the whole time.


I post something about how the Flames are fated to win and boom guess what happens? We get booted out of a playoff spot.

My own take on it is this: It's year two of a rebuild. We should be looking to win around year four or five. That means there is still plenty of time to build organizational depth. No need to trade players to take a shot at eighth place this year.

In English: Don't pay big prices to get established NHLers. There is no need. The target win date is two years down the road. If a guy is purchasable on the cheap, then fine, go ahead. But the team should not be reaching up when it comes to acquiring guys. It should be reaching down (To use the old stock buying analogy).

I would totally be happy with Kessel. Bennett will need someone to play with. But if we take Kessel's full salary on, we shouldn't have to pay the Leafs much to get him. Just my thoughts.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.