Tuesday, September 13, 2016

The Current Year Season Ticket Holder Letter

Season tickets have arrived. The package they came in is cool, they sent everything in the 'retro' colours. So the box the season ticket package arrived in is retro, and then the colouring used for the marketing material inside is retro. The season ticket debit cards are in retro. The history book they give you is in retro. The immediate thought that came to my head was "the Flames winning a Cup is retro."

Besides all that good stuff, the season tickets always come with a nice form letter sent from the desk of Ken M. King, President & CEO TM. This years had a few things that I thought were funny. The letter is below:

"Dear Calgary Flames Season Ticket Holder"

I like that I'm such a commodity to the powers that be that not only do I not get a name on my letter, I don't even get a number. Like, we are such cash machines they don't even bother to number us, let alone name us. "Dear Calgary Flames Season Ticket Holder" I got a name, trick.

The first sentence of the first paragraph is utter word salad. The second part, where they reassure the nameless fucking cash machines reading the letter like me that they are 'truly grateful' for my money err support and dedication, just makes the whole thing art.

Second paragraph kiddos. I think it starts off with a shot at the former coach (may peace be upon him) with the use of the word 'evolving'. You tell me. Other than that this paragraph is fine holy shit wait did they talk up the acquisition of 'Alex Chaission' like it was a real move? Even more retarded, and I wouldn't have even noticed this if they hadn't talked up the acquisition of a noted bust, is that they spell the dudes name wrong. You spell his name CHIASSON. (I misspelled it too in all the hysteria and I fixed it now). Well, I mean, you do if you care about spelling peoples names correctly.


The third paragraph, finally. What I really wanted to talk about. The stadium. The thing that I can take or leave about the paragraph is that in the first sentence they do this trick where they add volume and size to their proposal and then present an alternative. To be as clear as mud, I am talking about the trick where they put what their proposal is about "event centre/cfl stadium/public field house (three things)" and the alternative is about "event centre (one thing)". It's a little gimmicky to me.

The actual important things in that paragraph are the facts that we are now talking about there being a 'plan B', which I assume to be on the Stampede grounds somewhere (Where I happen to think it should be and that has nothing at all to do with me living in Stanley Park). That wasn't a 'thing' last time around. The other thing I noticed is where Kenneth writes 'it's clear the future will include new facilities in Calgary'. That made me gulp. People are telling me it's innocuous but I disagree. I think it's also a gimmick. If you accept that the argument is over location, then you accept a lot of stuff that should be up for negotiation. Because location is an issue, sure, but what makes it an issue? Money. The real issue is capital M Money.  Who is going to pay and for how much. I just think it's another little gimmick to shift the debate from cost to location, which is what I kinda see this letter setting up.

The fourth paragraph is vomit. They try to sell you some ticket exchange program but we all know that's bullshit because you should be using Tik Tiks for that shit instead holmes.

Oh my lord does Kenneth put "hockey experiences" in "scare quotes" at the "end" of "his" "letter"?

Furthermore, I think Treliving should sign Gaudreau.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Ward 11 Email About CalgaryNEXT

Got this email a few weeks back. It's from Brian Pincott, a guy who I do not like because I think he is a little loose with the public treasury. And it is because it is from a looter that it caught my attention.

Dear Ward 11 Resident ,

On Monday, June 27
th 2016, City Council heard the response from the Calgary Flames/Calgary Sports Entertainment Corporation (CSEC) to the City's evaluation of the CalgaryNext proposal. Essentially they challenged most of the City's evaluation of their proposal and asked to continue discussions and "negotiations" with the City as to their proposal to build a new arena, football field and fieldhouse in the West Village. 

Council, in the end, decided to ask city staff to continue working with CSEC on further evaluation and report back to Council in October this year. 

That said, I voted against continuing to do further work on the West Village proposal. In my mind, there are a number of challenges that since the initial floating of the idea almost a year ago:

- There is too much public money being expected to be into the project for a private purpose.
- The ideal location for the Fieldhouse remains at Foothills Athletic Park.
- The cost of the remediation remains very high.
- There isn’t good transit connection to the site.
- And finally, and probably the biggest concern, is around the Community Revitalization Levy (CRL). The value required out of a CRL just isn’t there and the expectations of the CSEC is that the CRL would pay for a private development first.

With those reservations, I believe we shouldn’t spend any more money exploring this option and move on to Plan B.  But, Council disagreed with me, with a vote of 12-3 in support of doing further work on CalgaryNext.

A report will be coming back to Council in the fall about this.


Brian Pincott
Councillor, Ward 11
The City of Calgary

I don't have the voting records for that particular vote, but I'd be curious as to who the other two people who voted against it.

Obviously the Plan B of putting the new stadium on the Stampede Grounds is the obvious play. The soccer stadium should be by one of the universities and the CFL team can play in McMahon until it crumbles.

It remains my preference that no public money go to these things but I will say if it`s a choice between some kooky progressive waste of money and wasting money on a sports stadium I will choose to waste money on a stadium every time.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Email From The Flames Regarding CalgaryNEXT

I got this email today (season ticket holder tier 1 fan) and I was going to clown it but I'm still ticked at the amount of you guys defending the saracens so I'm just posting it for your viewing pleasure.

Dear [redacted],
Friends, I’m writing to update you on the progress towards CalgaryNEXT- a transformative multi-sport facility that will provide a new home to professional and amateur athletes alike. There has been much talk and publicity on the City’s analysis released on April 20th which was not encouraging, nor unanimous from their perspective. We feel it is important that we let our supporters know what the road forward looks like from our perspective. 
We have been invited, and intend, to respond to the City administration’s report. As stated, we remain passionate about the vision for CalgaryNEXT. The proposed facility is an important solution that meets sports infrastructure needs in a location accessible for all Calgarians in a cost-effective manner. CalgaryNEXT will act as a cornerstone in a redeveloped downtown west end and provide Calgarians with year-round access to the sports they love as well as a world class venue to attract premier sports and cultural events. The city’s review of the project brought up a number of reasonable questions surrounding the facility and we are in the midst of answering them in a prepared response. 
While our response will address all the City’s questions in full, one point needs to be responded to immediately. The City’s report stated that CalgaryNEXT would bear a total cost of $1.8 billion – a number more than twice what we have initially proposed. I assure you that the total cost of this facility, as confirmed by three independent contractors, remains $890 million as we’ve said all along. Many of the “additional” costs outlined in the report are those that will be incurred for the ultimate development of West Village, the fieldhouse and contamination clean-up with or without, the inclusion of CalgaryNEXT. Our response will address incremental costs as well as challenging certain assertions and assumptions in the report. 
The City is an important partner in this process and we are continuing to work with them to find the best way to meet the sports and recreation needs of Calgarians. We have accepted an offer from the City to examine a “Plan B” which would see an arena and event centre only located on the Stampede Grounds, a separate fieldhouse in the northwest near the University of Calgary and some renovation to McMahon Stadium. While we question the logic of building separate structures and a temporary solution for McMahon, we are encouraged that the city is taking the need for new sports infrastructure seriously. We enter this process with an open mind but also a strong belief that CalgaryNEXT is the most logical solution that will benefit all Calgarians. 
Once our response to the city is complete, we will share it with you and I welcome your feedback and any questions you may have. I encourage you to speak up in conversations about CalgaryNEXT and share your views on the project with friends and family. Our website, CalgaryNEXT.com, will provide you with more information on the project. We need your support and encourage you to contact your City Councillor to share your thoughts. Contact information can be found on the following website: http://www.calgary.ca/CityCouncil/Pages/Councillors-and-Wards.aspx
Thank you for your ongoing support and I’ll speak with you again soon. 

Ken M. King

Ok, one comment: When did 'transformative' become a word? Wouldn't the word be 'transformational'? I don't think that's a word either, though.


Friday, February 26, 2016

But Do You Know The Penalty For Making Eye Contact?

I'm 'beefing' with the mayor on twitter this morning. I guess that makes me a Person Of Influence (TM)

Now that I am a Person Of Influence (TM), I must say, the sunshine feels better on my skin, the air tastes sweeter, and my hair, oh lord, my hair, my hair has grown thicker and more luxurious than God had ever intended hair to get. It's glorious.

I really don't know how you normies get through the day without hanging yourselves. Grey skies, coffee that tastes like lukewarm water. Cable sitcoms. Is that even living?

It's more like dying in slow motion, if you ask me. Which you would, obviously. I am a Person Of Influence (TM), and my opinion is worth a lot more than yours is. If your opinions could even be said to be worth anything, which, I gotta say, is highly suspect.

However, being a Person Of Influence (TM) is a life not totally spent basking in privilege. We carry a burden of noblesse oblige, and I take all my responsibilities very seriously. And so I will generously impart on you normies some of my wisdom.

The mayor says that I know a lot about hockey, and as Person Of (lesser, definitely much more minor) Influence (TM) himself, he obviously knows what he is talking about. While my mastery of subjects encompasses a vast array of topics, really, more numerous than the stars in the sky, if I am internationally renowned for my exquisite hockey wisdom, so be it. Who am I to argue with the mayor on this?

So come; If you have an inquiry as to the frozen game, do not be intimidated by my presence. Ask your questions, no matter how troublesome or querulous, and I will answer with such exquisite sagacity that your tormented soul will be put into a state of imperturbable serenity.

As a Person Of Influence (TM), it is, really, the least I can do.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016


They charged my credit card for this site. I'm Jewish. 2+2=4 so I'm back, at least until I think I get my 10 bucks worth. Although, and I hope I was just getting marked, but I've been charged the 10 bucks by the googlecorp twice now. As in, once every month.

I'm sorta hoping that was just a fluke and I'm not paying 10 bucks a month to host this prose shit pile. Because it's gonna piss both of us off if I have to try to get my money's worth on a consistent basis.

Anyway, I changed the site a little. I got rid of the girls. It killed me to do. Believe me. I loved the goalies, they were always black chicks. But I am a lazy man, and the thought of changing them up every month just wasn't appealing to me. I'd sooner take a vacation to Syria to be quite honest. I'd rather lend Kanye money than change the girls up on a consistent basis. I'd rather motorboat Susan Sarandon.

I also got rid of the wall of fame videos because, like Alberta, half of them didn't work anymore.

Everything else stays the same like the weather.

* * *

Alright I gotta post something that is at least a little cute if I'm bothering to log on and someone (doubtful) is coming to read. So I give you the story of what happened to me last Saturday.

The ol' accounting factory is starting to get busy, so I'm coming in on weekends. Which means I'm at the office on Saturday morning. Usually on Saturday mornings, I like to drink coffee, smoke weed, and play Dragon Ball Z on my Xbox. Instead I'm in the office, and feeling as miserable as that last sentenced implied.

But God loves us and wants us to be happy. When I arrive at the office I am greeted by the news that there is a homeless person sleeping on the floor of the men's bathroom. Now, my office is on the floor of a building, and the bathroom is on that floor; every tenant of the building located on that floor use the bathrooms on that floor. And what makes it funny about there being a homeless person sleeping in the men's bathroom was that on the Friday, my boss had printed a sign that read "Please do not lock the bathroom" and taped it to the bathroom door, because he didn't like taking the bathroom key with him.


Now, I had my dogs with me. So I lobbied the boss to let me put the dogs on him, but he said something about liability and criminal battery and whatever. Party pooper city. Instead, we call 311, and they say they are gonna send someone to get him out.

The poor homeless schmuck. Apparently, when the city says they will send someone, that someone is the cops. Aww great now Im a narc. Anyway, the urban camper probably thinks he has gotten away with his perfect crime. The cops come up to our floor and knock on our door to just get the story before they go in to (into? is it 'in to' or 'into'?) the bathroom to evict the buildings newest tenant. As they are talking to us, the guy comes out of the bathroom.


Here is the punchline: As the homeless dude is being escorted out, a woman comes out nowhere (the women's bathroom? I have no idea) and they put their arms around each other.

My boss turns to me and goes "If this guy can get a girl, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.