Friday, February 24, 2012

Feaster's Heel Turn

The now famous Heel turn:

It feels like Bash at the Beach 96!

From wikipedia, which is never wrong:

"The term "heel" is most likely derived from a slang usage of the word that first appeared around 1914, meaning "contemptible person". Common heel behavior includes cheating to win (e.g., using the ropes for leverage while pinning or attacking with foreign objects while the referee is looking away), attacking other wrestlers backstage, interfering with other wrestlers' matches, insulting the fans (referred to as "cheap heat"), and acting in a haughty or superior manner."

Got that? And we can see from that definition Feaster did definitely turn heel. We saw Feaster attack his 'wrestlers' 'backstage' by giving that shoot interview on the players during intermission. He insulted the fans by expecting us to believe he was working on a two game evaluation period, and he delivered the promo 'in a haughty or superior manner."

But while Feaster did very well at his first attempted heel turn in this city (Remember, he was an 'I'll beat all the Oilers up' face character before this), we feel he was missing some things that could have made his heel turn even more epic.

But you don't know if you don't know. So in that spirit, we would like to present Feaster The Butcher with some tips and suggestions for the next time he wants to do a shoot promo.

The Look: There are two ways to go with this one. Feaster can choose to be an egotistical heel, and show up shirtless, oiled up, and flexing. Of course, this would require a huge investment of time spent with Jungle Jim (Rich Hesketh is a fraud, Backlund ways 100 pounds). Also, it would require SNET start tagging their games with a parental advisory notice. The other way Feaster can work this is to go monster heel. Big Van Vader stylez, yo.

It's time! It's time! It's Feaster time!
The Accessories: Every great heel has a little gimmick about not only their look, but also what they choose to accessorize with. Honky Tonk Man brought out his guitar to the ring so he could smash people over the head with it. Jake The Snake Roberts brought his, well, snake out with him (we will never forgive him for ruining Macho Mans wedding!). Hollywood Hulk Hogan rolled with his dark sunglasses, while Ric Flair rocked the robe.

For an educated, smooth hustler like Feaster though, only one accessory really fits. The boa. We would suggest pink, but it should be in Flames colours. Yellow would work.

The Manager: One of the telltale signs of a classic heel is the arm candy manager. Macho Man had Elizabeth. Rick Flair had...Elizabeth. Lex Luger had...well, Elizabeth. Boy...that must have gotten awkward.

For Feaster, there happens to be a surplus of non-Elizabeth managers to choose from. He could go with an Ice Girl. Why not choose Heather Liscano (although she is a face)? Maybe Peter Maher's daughter?

No. For Heel Feaster, only one stunning piece of ass will do: Jessie Conroy.

The Music: The music a heel comes out to is very important for establishing their character. Take Hulk Hogans classic NWO entrance. The guitar lick instantly let the audience know that Hogan was here to smash heel faces, Mean Gene. Feaster needs a soundtrack that works in a similar fashion to let the audience know just what is up.

Several good choices here. He could go with `Chelsea Dagger`, but we haven`t been BOHICA`ed by the Hawks in a while. Feaster is America, and we all know how the idiot Canadian class hates those yankees. Maybe Dusty Rhodes`s `American Man`? Obviously, the biggest heel move Feaster could make would be to make the Flames effeminate goal song, Barbara Striesand, his entrance music. But it wouldn't fit the new Feaster look.

No, for Heel Feaster, he should be coming out to Shawn Michaels's 'Sexy Boy'.

The Betrayal: Where a heel goes, heartbreak and betrayal go with him. We have seen it time and time again. From the classic Macho Man turning heel on Hulk Hogan and the Mega Powers, to the more contemporary example of R-Truth backstabbing John Morrison (and smoking on live TV while he did it), heel betrayals always leave a mark in the industry. But perhaps none of these heel turns is more famous than the 'Rocker Breakup'. And for Feaster to be a truly classic heel, he needs to betray someone in that type of epic fashion.

Having already taken Conroy's girl, who is next? Ken King, Feaster's partner in crime, comes to mind. We can imagine them eating at the buffet, when Feaster asks King to pass him the salt, and when King reaches over to pass the salt, BAM!. Feaster grabs the back of Kings head and smashes it through the table, ala Marty Jannetty 'jumping through the glass' (in Bobby the Brain Heenan's famous formulation). With King 'out in the hospital' for an extended period of time, Feaster would then be able to run wild on the Flames universe.

To conclude, Feaster's initial heel turn was good. Hell, it was great. But by following a few of our suggestions, he can make his next heel shoot promo the stuff of legend.

Love the heel catchphrase: Intellectual Honesty, by the way. 

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Nevermind, Carter got traded.

So, uhh...SVEN for PK? SVEN for PK!

Cheaper, if you could swing it. First round pick for PK!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

How Many Short Forwards Are In The League?

We are talking SVEN. We see him listed as 5'10 in more places than we see him listed as 5'11, so we are going with that. Sven is 5'10. Whatever. He is not six feet or taller.

How many forwards at that height play in the NHL? And that's all we mean, play. We don't mean play well, we don't mean provide scoring impact, we just mean play.

We went to the team pages from all the clubs in the NHL, and just looked down their active roster.

The results:

So less than a third of the forwards in this league are short. (Math was done quick and dirty, as the chart says, so don't take these as hard gospel numbers).

Obviously though, the real question is of these players, how many of them provide offensive impact? Intuitively one would assume it would be less than the total, but how much less?

We haven't taken a look, but when we do, we will post the results here as an update to the post.

For those who can't read between the lines, the question here is obviously whether or not the team should view SVEN as an asset the club could use to get a more established player, or whether the club should view SVEN as a real player and hold on to him.

But with less than a third of the league being short players, there is obviously risk associated with holding on to SVEN. Much like all prospects.

However, if, hypothetical, the club had the opportunity to turn SVEN into the 6'4, 300 shot potential of a Jeff Carter, then, in our view, you have to weigh the risk that SVEN may not develop against the fact that Carter is proven. The fact that less than a third of the league's forwards are of the height SVEN is, it would seem to indicate that shorter players face more developmental hurdles than taller players. And this needs to be taken into consideration before the fans, the media, and the club itself go about labelling SVEN 'untouchable'.

Carter was traded for a first round drafted player, another first round pick, and a third. He has lost value since his trade from Philly. The Flames have picks to trade, and SVEN may be enticing to CBJ as he a first round drafted player enjoying a very nice season.

To us, a SVEN for Carter straight up deal would be, in Bob McKenzie's words, a 'no-brainer'. We doubt Carter could be had for that price, however. Still, even a first and SVEN for Carter wouldn't scare us away. Again, SVEN isn't guaranteed, and Carter is proven.

Carter would provide a nice insurance policy against Jokinen leaving or demanding too much salary, as well. Something to think about.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Can We Trust These Bums?

I don't know about you. I was kinda enjoying getting back on this Flames bandwagon. The games were fun to watch (I blame Bourque), the team was winning (I blame Bourque). Nobody had tried to elbow anybody in the face after the whistle in a while (again, blame Bourque). It was fun. And it hadn't been fun in a while.

Sure, there were problems. Chris Butler was playing in the top pairing; some of the offseason blueline signings weren't playing at all. All of the depth kept getting hurt. Sarich and Hannan still were on the roster. The goal song continued to be extremely effeminate. I cannot stress enough how effeminate that goal song is.

But despite it all, the team was muddling through. Well, to be accurate, Kipper was muddling through. He was playing like he was doing {drug reference} before the game, as opposed to after it. The Kings game was kind of a shit show, as an example of how Kipper was stealing games.

Whatever. It also felt a little different. The games were fun to watch. Vancouver, Toronto, San Jose, all fun games. The team won those games, and that helps, but what also helps is the sense that the team was trying hard. As cliche as that sounds.

Because that label, that question, that notion of 'trying hard' has been with this team for a while now. I myself have in the past viewed the question not as one of trying hard or not, but one of having the talent or not. That proves the point though, in a way. If the team lacks talent (which I'm not sure it does, what with a potential five of six spots on the top six filled (when healthy) with capable NHLers), then it should be 'trying harder' more consistently than other teams if it wants to win, like it (management, coaches, players, Jarome Iginla) says it does.

So it was nice to see the team 'trying hard', as it were.

Then this happens. A mugging to the lowely Oilers. (See what I did there?)

It's pathetic. It's same old. And it's tired.

Call it arrogant, conceited, call it what you will. There is no way the Flames should have lost to the Oilers tonight by a margin of five goals based on talent alone. None at all. Injuries? They are missing Glencross out of their top six. Presumably, when Glencross gets back, one of Kostopoulos or Comeau would still be playing with the big boys. Their depth losses of Stempniak, Jones, Backlund, et al, have been covered reasonably well by the kids. The defence is as shaky as Japan, but surely wasn't five goal margin bad compared to the Oiler forwards.

The team didn't 'try hard'. They didn't show up. And when you pull that shit just as the city and the fans are starting to warm up and get behind the team's fucking bullshit, is what it is. And they pull the Operation Sleep Walk routine at home? Can you imagine?

Imagine you are Ken King and Jay Feaster. What they fuck do you do? Again, this team was building momentum; it was almost forcing the terrible twosome into adding to the roster. Now...not so much. They can talk themselves into waiting. And waiting, I think would be the worst thing this team could do.

The team has Kipper playing at a high level. Teams don't get that every year. To me, you make the bet on whether or not you think Kipper is going to keep playing barely-legal-pussy good or not. If you think he is, you buy; if you think he isn't you sell. Personally, I think he is. I am also not the general manager of this team. Ken King is, so it is his decision.

But who knows; after last nights rape, a losing streak coming up against Phoenix and Killadelphia might give the organization pause. It might make them not buy, but not sell as well. It might make them wait. Which would be awful. Steve Downie was just traded for a blueliner who was just traded for a first round pick. Imagine what a Jokinen could get you. It could get you the blueliner in the above equation, and probably a lot more.

I'll conclude. The team was building momentum, and that momentum was going to give the club cover to go out and do something Darryl Sutter level crazy/ballin' at the deadline. But now, after losing to the Oilers in the no heart fashion that the team did, a no heart fashion that frankly the fan base has become accustomed to seeing (especially in big games, which was why the current streak was so refreshing) it gives all parties involved cause for pause. Essentially 'Can we trust these bums?' is what we are left to ponder.

Can we trust these bums? Can Ken King and Jay Feaster? Can they put their jobs and reputations on the lines for this team? Again, to me, the indicator is Kipper. If I was at the helm, I would be a buyer, and put all my chips in the middle. I'd bet on Kipper continuing to enjoy a strong year.

But a performance like the one the team had against the Oilers certainly makes you wonder if you can trust the rest of the team.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired. 

Too Lazy For Excel