Friday, January 20, 2012

Backlund's Confidence

This is gonna be a shorty.

Yesterday, Backlund, at some point in the game, I can't quite remember, found himself in front of the LA Kings net with a puck on his stick and Quick on his tummy. The top half of the net was as wide open as the prairies. All the kid had to do was lift the puck.

Which, as we all know, he didn't. The puck, if I remember correctly, didn't even get off the ice before it slid harmlessly into Quick's pads.

Here is the thing: Anybody could make that shot. Lifting the puck into the upper half of a net from five feet away isn't really hard. Anybody can do it. It's not a skill issue.

What makes that play 'hard', or at least, hard for Backlund, is the moment. The pressure, if you will, got to the kid. He is holding his stick too tight, and all those cliches.

Certain segments of sports-fandom like to pretend invisible, intangible forces like confidence don't exist or don't have any effect on the game, but these people are obviously wrong, and the Backlund miss is just another example our of a million. Maybe they haven't played the game. I don't know.

But what I do know, or rather what I think I know, is that it looks like #11 is having confidence issue's. The inability to lift that puck was the manifestation of it.

How do we get Backlund confident?

You can't send him down to the AHL, not with the Flames roster, and besides, to do that to him at this point would probably hurt his confidence anyways. So that option is out. His powerplay time could be increased. He is currently averaging about a minute of PP time per game.

That could do it. I know of only a couple of ways to get a man to stick his chest out, and of those few ways, I know of no better way than to score.

But even increased PP time isn't a guaranteed way to get lucky. Jarome and Cammalleri, one would assume, will be taking the majority of shots on the PP. And assists are nice, but at the end of the day, is it really more fun to watch?

So it is in that vein that I implore the good puck bunnies of this city: Step up. Step up to the Swede, I say, and get that boy's thoughts off misses, and onto kisses.

Being Swedish, and young, and rich, and a hockey player, I am assuming he already has a girl. I don't care; she obviously is doing him, err, it, wrong. A change of scenery, (or in this case, boobery) if you will, may do the boy a world of good. A change in landscape; a change in his land skanks.

Hey, it worked for Pronger. (Allegedly.)

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Reason Why Guys Dont Wear Helmets In Warm-Up

So Taylor Hall's inability to skate is causing quite the debate among the retard class about whether or not wearing a helmet should be mandatory in warm-up.

TSN, for example, ran a story yesterday where several players were interviewed about why they choose not to wear helmets in warm-up. The players of course, having been drilled in how to handle the media since they were 16 years old, predictably lied to the media. The answers to the question about helmets in warm up that the TSN producer chose to highlight were essentially: "Well, I saw #99 do it, so I do it, too."

This, of course, is bullshit. And we all know it's bullshit, or rather, any of us who have ever played hockey in front of a girl know it's bullshit. The reason men primarily between the ages of 18 - 35 choose not to wear their helmets in warm-up is simple:

Because she digs it, playa.

We know the English majors/failed authors who make up the sports journalist landscape may have a hard time with the concept of 'boobies', but to not even mention the one and only reason that guys don't wear helmets during warm-ups was a little silly, TSN.

Well, about as silly as even running stories about helmets during warm-up in the first place.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

PS: #obligatory

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

In Solidarity With Thieves Everywhere We Also Have Shut Down Our Page Today

Fuck. I love stealing. Love it. Born with the love of theft in my blood. In fact, when I was in utero, I had a twin. Guess what? I stole all the nutrient fluids in the womb, bitch. Motherfucker starved to death, or whatever it is that deprived fetus tumors do.

Seriously, I have been stealing since day one. The moment I came out of Mom's gaping vagina I stole the show, the scene, everything. Nurses were going gaga, it was insane. Couldn't help it; I love stealing, so I had to steal their hearts.

The new born wing of the hospital thing wasn't any better. In fact, I had new born moms trying to steal me, so adept I was at stealing attention. Dad had to post a vigil to make sure I wouldn't be taken. Yeah, I was stealing sleep too.

Once I knew how to walk, (learned by stealing technique tips, of course) the shit just got more and more. I still remember my first trip to the grocery store: Stealing candies, stealing meat, stealing fruits, especially peach; I was three fucking years old and I was sneaking around the laundry section stealing bleach.

At first Mom and Dad thought it was cute. They thought it was a phase. I'd grow out of it, they thought. But how could I? My heart pumps fire and larceny. Any growth would be fueled by those heavenly toxins.

And so as I continued to grow, I stole. And not for anything real, survival wasn't the goal. I just did it. I once stole shoes from the lane that I bowl.

For 'because'.

I've stolen cars. My hero is the kid who stole that plane. I've stolen couches. My hero's are those shady banks who robo-signed America out of their houses.

My sympathies lie with the thief. They be my team, yo. And you know what guys? Today the team needs me. All of us who play for team thief, really. It's an all hands on deck type of thang going on.

Because you see, today a site I use to steal information has gone black. Wikipedia, the English version at least (and who but global communists doesn't use the English language version of the site), has shut down in protest of a proposed American bill called Stop Online Piracy Act. At least I think. Wikipedia isn't up so I can't check.

Obviously, we are for online piracy. How the hell do you think I acquired the worlds most extensive pornographic DVD collection? By paying for it with my own hard earned dollars? Please. I have EA 12 like everyone else: I stole it. Online. Pirating.

I want you all to remember that: I wouldn't have porno or video games if this SOPA thang was around when I was young (well, I would, because I am an excellent thief. But you, the unwashed bungling klepto reading this, you wouldn't.). I wouldn't own Merle Haggard's complete collection, or Goya's entire portrait inventory. I wouldn't have even been able to steal the high falutin Ivy League lecture series that told me about Goya in the first place.

I'd be like...those people in the 50's. Poor souls, unable to steal from the internet. No pigment, all black and white with crackly sound. It would be terrible. You try stealing a girls innocents with a sepia toned face.

So, please, in solidarity with thieves everywhere: Write to your local politician about your love of thievery. Trust me, they will understand. And tell them, End SOPA.

Because if they don't, I may need to start paying for the products I steal online. And that would steal the joy right out of life.

Monday, January 16, 2012


Ten Thousand Years To The Emperor!

Ya'll know what we are referring to? Of course you do. Everyone knows about the Pacific campaign.

But let's suppose, we don't know, you are perennial punching bag Eric Francis. You may need to be let in. That's cool.

You see class, way way back in the day, in the 40's, the American GI's were island hopping their way to Japan. They had heard about Godzilla or some shit and were after choice photos to show the sweetie back in Idaho. Anyways, the Japanese thought they had an ancient privilege when it came to collection photo's of the King Lizard, so they got upset at the American intrusion, and fought back. Thing is, America is huge and had miles and miles of unbombed factories, a fairly huge and skilled labour force, and a big pool of unruly farm boys that Uncle Sam wanted to get out of the house. Japan, being fairly small and eminently bombable, never really had a chance.

Think Flames vs Boston, if you will.

Anyways, it turned out that the Japanese really liked this Emperor cat who claimed the ancient photography privileges. They liked him so much, it turns out, that when the Americans would show up with all their fancy land, naval, and air superiority, instead of surrendering and showing the Americans where they could get a decent photo of Godzilla and Mothra necking, they actually decided to fight back.

Thing is, the Japanese had this thang called Bushido. It's a warrior code. Wanna know a secret? Warriors are stubborn. The Japanese felt compelled to literally die for their photo opportunity hogging Emperor. And so, they did. But you know the Japanese: they are a stylish people. They simply couldn't die without putting on some sort of show.

And hence, we get the term 'Banzai', or 'ten thousand years.' The Japanese would yell out 'Banzai' as they drew their swords and rushed the Americans, who instead of using swords, used high caliber machine guns.

Banzai charges, you may have already guessed, tended not to work. The Americans would indeed get their pictures of Godzilla. In fact, they would pair the big lizard with Matthew Broderick and make crazy bank but that is a marketing story and we are telling a history one.

What the hell are we talking about? Honorable suicide in the face of death. That's what a Banzai charge is. Its kinda like a defiant 'Fuck You' in the face of the inevitable.

Was the Flames trade for Mike Cammalleri a Banzai Charge?

The team, as it sits today, is four points out of 8th place. The team has to climb over four teams as well. It has games in hand on exactly none of those four teams, and three of the teams Calgary is chasing have at least one, most have more, games in hand on the Flames. There are only three teams in the West that have allowed more goals against than Calgary has, and eleven of those Western teams have more goals for than the Flames do. The teams PP is middling, as is it's PK. If you are one who thinks shot generation is important (and we do) the Flames are in the bottom of the league in terms of shots per game.

This team needs a lot of help. The probability chance it has to make the playoffs is smaller than the probability chance for the team not to make it. The Flames, it could be argued, should probably be selling assets, not acquiring them at the cost of futures. But that is not what the Flames did. The Flames traded a couple of futures for Cammalleri, plus Bourque.

That trade may address the PP, it may address the goal scoring and shot generation issues (although Cammalleri was not generating a ton of shots in Montreal and we don't play a run and gun style even though we should). But what this trade does not address is the defensive issues of the team. Chris Bu7ler is still playing in the top four, and he is not a top four guy, not on a good team.

Did the Flames commit 'honorable suicide' by trading a second round pick (and leaving them without one for the next two drafts) to make a run at the playoffs in a year where they should be selling assets? Maybe, but they also left themselves a two month cushion with which to make a decision to sell assets at the trade deadline if this thing goes sour.

But what if Feaster is managing for his job? To us, that is what the Cammalleri addition signals: Feaster is trying to win this year because...and the only because we can think of that would make sense is that because his job is on the line. Ticket sales are not down that much to warrant a trade just to sell some more. If Feaster is managing for his job, then the possibility of a Banzai Charge being under way increase. Because this team does need a real defenceman if it has any hopes, in our view, of challenging. Bouwmeester/Gio/Brodie/And Someone Legit. If Bu7ler is the fifth or sixth guy then this team will be in good shape. But to get to that position is going to cost, and the Flames don't have anything to sell except futures.

Would Feaster trade a first to get the defenceman his club needs to compete? Will Jay Feaster complete the Banzai Charge? Would King make him, knowing that if the club takes a swing and it goes badly, it will be Feaster on the firing line, and not him?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.