Thursday, September 22, 2011

Bio's Are Treasure Chests

So we are listening to the Rome show when this advertisement comes on. Hey, how are yeah doing? Anyways, we are listening to the Rome show, which airs on the FAN960, when this advertisement comes on. Now, the FAN being the FAN, the advert was, of course, for the FAN.

Bryn Griffiths?

Now, we admit we are squares, Domebeer-aholics. Who the hell is Bryn Griffiths? And just what the hell is a Bryn, anyways?

And so the google tells us he is a welsh poet. Nice, fucking nice. An Irish poet on a prairie sports radio station? This is going to be tits.

The advertisement doesn't end at his name, however. It goes on, and turns out it is being voiced by the Brynnacle himself. And, boy we tell yeah, he sounds like a fucking nerd.

Google has lied to us. Bryn Griffith is an Irish poet. Poets roll in pussy, otherwise no man would engage in the behaviour. And this man on the radio did not sound like he was rolling in pussy. Something was up. We don't like being lied too, google.

So more research then. Bloody fucking hell, this research shit is exhausting, we can totally see why Chris Jones doesn't do it. You have to scroll down the page and shit. Fucking annoying.

Eventually we find a link to something called 'Mighty Mouth'. Understandably, we are very hesitant to click the link. There are certain things, like '2 Girls 1 Cup' (sorry, no link), that once you see, you can't unsee. A website by the name of 'Mighty Mouth' may feature a midget trying to stuff a sack of pachyderm testicles into his mouth, for all we knew. But in life one must be brave, so we forged ahead into the unknown ether.

And boy where we disappointed. Instead of seeing a degenerate sex show, we see it's the end to our journey. 'Mighty Mouth' is a blog run by a Bryn Griffiths, who appears to be the same gentleman from that terrible advertisement we heard.

Hey, did you know the FAN lured this guy away from his job calling the horse races at Northlands Park? That Kelly Kirsch is a real scout. Or likes to play the ponies, one of the two.

Anyways, why are we talking about Bryn Griffiths? First, why the hell not, his name is Bryn, after all. There's probably mountains worth of material from a guy named Bryn waiting to be mined. Second, because we came across this little nugget that we think speaks to the core of the situation with the FAN960 (and their 'salesmen not journalists' approach to the local team).

Mind you, this is from Bryn's own 'About Me' from Bryn's own blog: "PLUS five years of NHL experience in the Public/Media Relations field with the Edmonton Oilers and Winnipeg Jets"

We are sure you can all see what we are getting at, but we will go ahead and spell it out anyways, just for fun. CAPITALS ARE THE SECRET TO BEING COOL. Haha, no. References to 'PLUS' aside, what Bryn just wrote was "I am a paid schill". Because that is what a PR guy does, he schills for whoever is paying him to be a PR guy.

(Also, before we move on, the FAN has a bio on Bryn that says "...has experience in both the broadcast booth and inside the locker room." Which is great. It's about high time we started referring to the horse stables at Northlands as a locker room. Horses are athletes, and all that.)

You know how a major complaint about the FAN960 is that they are a stale organization? One that moves slowly with the times, and isn't really known for being all that creative? Well, to the FAN's credit, this moves shows that the organization is indeed evolving.

Evolving? But they hired the same ol' bland white guy with dubious knowledge about sports outside of hockey, who may have that 'jock sniff' fever, to replace Rob Kerr. How is that evolving?

It shows growth on behalf of the FAN, Domebeer-aholics, because instead of hiring an amateur schill like they did with the Walker, Boomer, or Steinberg hirings, the FAN has stepped it's game up and gone out and hired a professional schill, one with "PLUS five years of NHL experience in the Public/Media Relations field with the Edmonton Oilers and Winnipeg Jets."

That's organizational character growth right there, is what that is.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Foot Clan

Feaster: After one split squad pre-season game, I can say unequivocally that Paul Byron will be on the roster come opening day. Bartschi, too.
King: So we are here to ask you for permission to send down Matt Stajan and Nik Hagman to the minors.
Edwards: But that would cost me $6.5 million dollars!
King/Feaster: But Byron and Bartschi scored points in a pre-season game...
Edwards: This is what I get for taking money from the Red Chinese, isn't it?

(And please, check out Kuato Lives!)

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Kuato Lives!

Quaid...Quaid...Start the rebuild. Free Iginla...

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Weekend Reading

Looking through the local papers, saw some stories that we would like to highlight.

Brent Sutter Hearts Curtis Glencross

This little ditty, coming to us from Vicki Hall of the Herald, explores the budding 'Brokeback Mountain-esque' (you know...cowboys) relationship that is developing between the older, wiser, more experienced coach, and the young and pliant player. It's a hot, steamy read, (just a taste: the coach is quoted using the risque line "“He’s got little bit of farm boy in him. Not totally, but a little.” Brent Sutter is such a little flirt.) that will get you smiling for all the right reasons. Beyond the obvious physical connection the two share, the happy couple also enjoys just spending time together, just drinking in the moments where they can just be together (Glencross on the relationship: “We actually spent time building fence together and pounding posts for a couple of days.” Sexy.).

It's a very nice read about the flowering of a relationship. Until, that is, one comes upon the following quote from the coach: "I put him to work. Got his hands dirty. He has callouses on his hands.” Whoa. First off, that's a little too much information for the coach to be sharing with a purportedly family newspaper (and what does this say about the editors of the paper that they would print such tawdry language?). That's the type of thing that is best kept in the bedroom. But beyond the lack of class that uttering the line displays, it also highlights a dangerous character trait that the coach might have: Selfishness.

Yes, selfishness. While it may suit the purposes of the star struck lovers to go off into the fields together, alone with nothing but the throbbing masculinity of the bulls around them, and build fences together, it does not suit the long term goals of the Calgary Flames. Curtis Glencross is valuable to the franchise because he has soft hands! And here we have the coach of the team actively trying to put callouses on those million dollar mitts (probably to help with the grip on the pole...)!

It's not right, and it shouldn't be condoned. We need Glencross's hands as buttery soft as they possibly can be for the upcoming season, seeing as the teams margin for error is only a couple of points. As important as getting a good grip on Coach Sutter's pole may be, for the good of the team, Glencross's hands should remain soft and callous free.

Coach Sutter, next time you need your pole pounded, please, use Ivanans instead. He has bigger hands than Curtis, anyways.

We Never Talk Anymore

From a budding relationship, to one on the mend. From the files of Steve MacFarlane of the Sun, a story about a relationship that was once filled with so much promise, only to hit the rocks of reality, which is where the relationship lays today, waiting for a chance of redemption and resurrection.

Niklas Hagman and Coach Sutter didn't talk to each other during last year. Shocked at being involved in a trade that sent Hagman from the team he had signed a three contract with, the Maple Leafs, to a team on the other side of the continent, Hagman, and you can't really blame him for this, was a little down last year. And instead of finding solace in the arms of the coach, he found silence, and solitude.

Which, record scratch, is bothersome to us. From the article, we have this line: 'Those heartfelt discussions cleared the air between them all. The Flames found out what Hagman was going through as he struggled to find a role that fit, and Hagman understood what the Flames wanted from him.

“It was an eye-opening experience to talk with Brent and Jay. It’s something I should have done earlier,” Hagman said, not wanting to get into specifics of the conversations.'

And we know from what has been reported that the meetings that took place between Jay, Brent, and the players occurred once the season was over. Which is to say that the Calgary Flame organization didn't engage Hagman about his role on the team, expectations, the views that each party held about the other, until after the season was over.

When you lack communication like that, that is managements fault. The fact that the management on this team seems to be reactive rather than proactive is not a plus for them, in our minds.

Anyways, for whatever weird reason, the team and the player seem to be actually talking to each other now, which again, is weird, right? Why would you want to see how an employee ticks? Makes no sense at all...

(Also, if you read the article, it implies Hagman was fat. We already know that the front office thought Stajan was out of shape last year. Why the coach is not getting more flack for players showing up out of shape last year is beyond us.)

Harry Jay Feaster Tells A Joke

From Vicki Halls' book of assistant GM jokes:

"When we have to submit our opening night roster, we'll decide which 23 guys deserve to be there. If that ends up being someone we didn't expect to be there, we'll deal with it at that time." Quoteth Feaster.

Lolz. tells us the team has 22 one way contracts on the roster. Which makes Feaster's line a howler along the lines of 'depth at centre'. 

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.