Saturday, August 20, 2011

Everyone Point And Laugh At Edmonton| Marshall Canned| Cubs/Flames Management

Ok folks, you know what is really, really funny? The Edmonton Eskimos getting crushed by the B.C. Lions 36 - 1 at home. It's funny for all the obvious reasons, the exposing of the Eskimos as the fakest 5 - 3 team seen in a while, the fact that the Eskimos played with no heart or passion in front of their own fans, etc.

What we find most...special...about this situation, however, is this: The margin of victory for the B.C. Lions was 35 points, which is exactly the number of murders (well, 36 if you count last nights game) that have happened in Edmonton this year! Does the universe (or Wally Buono) have a sense of humour or what?

(As an aside, we know they call the hovel up there the 'City Of Champions', but people, that refers to sporting events, not national crime statistics. 35? Give it a rest, will ya?)
...

Greg Marshall got fired? Who knew his job was on the line when he played Calgary, eh?

The thing about this is that there have been some voices in the media who are trying to peddle the story that this was an unfair firing, that Marshall deserved better, that their media tummies are hurting or some shit. It's stupid.

Everyone knew this cat had to win the game against Calgary. Everyone. And not to shock anybody out there, but 'Everyone' included the players on the Roughriders. The same players who came out in the first half of that Calgary game and just rolled over.

The fault for the shit isn't only on Marshall, but to pretend he isn't a factor in it is silly. The players wanted his ass gone. We know because we watched how they played for him. In the second half, with the assistant coaches going crazy and the looming possibility that they (the Roughriders) might get blown out by 100 points, the players started to play. That's a 'we are playing for ourselves' thang, and a giant neon sign that the coach has lost the team. So please, spare us the 'this is so unfair' garbage.

On the other hand, firing Marshall alone probably isn't as deep a cut as the team needs to make. We love how they brought back Ken Miller. His old ass wasn't good enough at the start of the season, but now he is going to be the great panacea? Sorry, no. But lets look at who made the decision, GM Taman. This guy is the guy who needs to get his ass canned. Brought in a shitty coaching staff the players didn't buy in to, and on top of that, didn't do all the scouting he was required to do to find players. Taman is very obviously waiting for the NFL cuts which came late this year to find players. Which is lazy, and lazy GM's usually don't work out. Of course, he likes his job, so Marshall goes and Taman stays. Hilarious, really.
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Speaking of GM's who are terrible at their jobs losing them, Jim Hendry has received his walking papers. Ohfuckyesohfuckyes! His sins are going to sound familiar to people around these parts. Hendry gave away contracts that were too rich and had too many years to players he should not have, and on top of that often gave No Trade Clauses as well. That shit can really freeze a teams ability to adapt and compete, eh? He also suffered from the sin of not being able to judge his own talent for what it was, relying on the broken arms of Prior and Wood far too long, dreaming that they would return to health.

But Hendry also suffered from a symptom that Jay Feaster is no doubt suffering from right now: a team President who thinks he should be the teams GM. In the Flames case, it is Ken King who is the overreacher-in-chief, and in Hendry's case it was Cubs President Crane Kenney.

We want to point something out though. The media in Calgary never points out, or highlights, the fucked upness of the situation here. Nobody in the MSM even thought to question why the GM of the team had to go to the President to get permission to sign the teams first round draft pick to an entry level contract. Which tells you all you need to know about the media in this city. In Chicago, it is a little different.

From the Chicago Herald-News:

 "Then there’s the 190-pound clown in the room that is team president Crane Kenney. To hear Ricketts talk about Kenney doing a “good job’’ running the business end of things for the organization was one of those throw-up-in-your-mouth moments."

Holy shit. Both barrels and blast. You think anybody in the MSM in Calgary has the guts to say something like that? They might lose their dinners with Kenny!

"Kenney is a laughing stock around the league. His very ­presence cheapens the value of the GM position for the Cubs."

And that is what it is, on the reals. Ken Kings presence cheapens the value of the GM position for the Flames, the same way Kenney does for the Cubs. Which is why when the Flames need to hire a GM, they have to hire a guy like Feaster.

"Add some goofball suit sitting in on meetings he has no business sitting in on, and good luck landing the likes of an Andrew Friedman from Tampa Bay."

Exactly. Fucking exactly. Flames have shitty management because they have shitty management. Real managers don't like being micromanaged by a suit, and because they are 'real', and not mediocre, they have the ability to pick their jobs. Which, again, is why we are stuck with Feaster.

""When I talk to a candidate, he must share a commitment to player development,’’ Ricketts said, “and someone from a winning culture who can bring that.’’
Obviously, he must also like animal balloons, squirting flowers and big red shoes, as long as Kenney is around."

Again, nobody in Calgary could write that, because Ken King would throw them out of the locker room. It's a shame.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Special Investigation: Sid Crosby Still Suffering Post-Concussion Symptoms

There has been a lot of hullabaloo lately about the health of Sidney Crosby. With rumours swirling that Sidney Crosby may not be able to start the season due to post-concussion symptoms, the hockey world is understandably nervous. Selfishly, this situation directly affects the fans of the Calgary Flames, as the Pittsburgh Penguins are slated to start the season in the Saddledome. Many fans are worried that they may not get to see Sidney live and in person.

It is for that reason that we here at Dome Beers decided to launch a special investigation into the health of the scorer of the Golden Goal. What we found was disturbing, to say the least.

Our crack crew of investigators managed to track Sidney Crosby down while he was out at a Sportschek. By observing his movements and interactions, we feel reasonably assured that we can make a declaration about Sidney's health. We must report that at this time, it does indeed look like Sidney is still suffering from post-concussion symptoms, which is just terrible.

Allow us to walk you through the footage we have, and why we think this shows that Sidney is still not healthy.



The footage (and again, our investigators did just great work here) begins with Sidney Crosby, possessor of an extremely lucrative contract to play hockey for the Pittsburgh Penguins, who appears to be working as a stock boy for Sportschek. Scrambled brains alert! Shame on Sportschek to take advantage of poor old Sidney like this. They are breaking no less than three labour laws by doing this.

Continuing into the footage, we see that Sidney Crosby starts to receive a marketing pitch. This shows us two things. First, Sidney is still suffering the confusion normally associated with post-concussion syndrome. Why else would he be holding a meeting with his marketing consultant in the middle of a Sportschek? The second thing this shows is that Sidney's people know he is still suffering. Notice that Sidney's marketing consultant is also wearing a Sportschek shirt, in order to keep from agitating Sidney while he is in this confused state.

Moving on with the footage, we of course notice that Sidney's marketing consultant is showing Sidney the pitches on very large signboards with the words written in very large font. Obviously this shows that Sidney is still suffering from the impaired mental function that is sometimes associated with post-concussion syndrome.

The first pitch that Sidney receives is for 'SIDnature'. To most observers, the pitch is obvious: it is a play on the word 'signature', but also, it is 'Sid Nature', ie: be like Sidney. Intuitive, really. Notice Sidney's reaction, however. He seems confused, bewildered even. He looks like he is trying to figure out the pitch. He is left, in his confused state, to utter a confused answer: 'Maybe'.

The next pitch Sidney receives offers us even more stark evidence that Sidney is still suffering. Pitched 'The Croz. By Crosby', Sidney literally replies "I'm not sure about that one." Not sure about that one? Crosby brains are such pancake mix right now that he is unable to figure out that The Croz is a play on his last name. It's sad, really.

The final pitch Sidney receives is for 'Dis', which is very clearly 'Sid' spelled backwards. Look at Sidney's reaction when he first hears it though. He is clearly agitated and confused, unable to figure out what 'Dis' refers too. He loudly exclaims, clearly frustrated by his inability to solve this puzzle, "Dis?" Sidney's marketing consultant almost loses his cool, exasperatedly explaining to Sidney that 'Dis' is 'Sid' backwards, man.

Having received three pitches that caused the broken gears in his head to grind painfully against each other, Sidney blurts out 'Why don't we just go with SC 87." When we saw Sidney do this, we actually felt a tinge of hope that Sidney may be shaking those cobwebs out of his skull yet. But alas, when our investigators showed us the logo Sidney had come up with, all hope was dashed.


There are so many signs here that Sidney is still concussed that it leaves us very concerned. Most noticeably, the 'S' and the 'C' are, of course, backwards, with the 'C' preceding the 'S'. Sidney is suffering from post-concussion symptoms so sever that his writing skills have been effected. On top of that, for reasons inexplicable to us, and therefore associated to Sidney's symptoms, we see he chose to put his logo in the middle of a golf club head, a driver. The poor kid doesn't even remember what sport he plays.

We feel that the mountain of evidence above clearly indicates that Sidney Crosby is still suffering from post-concussion symptoms. With the start of the hockey season only a few months away, we feel that it is indeed a possibility that Sidney Crosby will not be ready to start the NHL season. Which is terrible indeed for the game of hockey, and especially for Flames fans expecting to see Sidney at the Saddledome.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Scott Hannan May Suck

Oh boy. Guys, gals, hounds, you may want to sit down for this one. Go ahead, grab a chair, we will wait.

Ya'll good? Alright, cool. Listen guys, we don't want to keep you for long, so we will just come out and say it.

Scott Hannan may suck.

Presented for your consideration, a little table we like to call 'Why The Hell Won't Scott Hit Anybody?':

(Psst...The Human Screen is Hannan.)



Now, lets put Hannans suckage, derived from his unwillingness to throw the body on anybody, into context. Hannan's H/60 is actually higher than J Blowsoverthelegallimit's 2.0 (see, silver lining, Flames fans) but lower than Matt Stajan's 3.66. Yes, you read that right.

So, quick count: Hitters on the blueline: Mark 'Do It Like A' Giordano. Non-hitters on the blueline: Everyone else.

Yeah, this is going to work out. What does intimidation do for a team, anyways?

Furthermore, I think Peter Louardias Ken King should be fired.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Ugh...So We Have To Talk About Scott Hannan?

Fuck no. Seriously. What the fuck?

Are we the only people who remember that Scott Hannan is a human screen? That when a forward is driving the puck at him, he has a tendency to skate backwards towards his goalie with his legs locked in an inverted 'v for victory', which simultaneously provides a nice screen for the shooter, and an opening to shoot the puck through?

Are we the only people who remember he is from San Jose? Seriously, what the fuck? The Flames have been suckers for prostitutes since they signed Todd Bertuzzi, and it has got to stop. We aren't winning the cup this year anyways, do we need to piss away the organizations integrity? Why not invite Naslund in for a camp tryout, you know?

Whatever. For a million dollars on a one year ticket, you can't really complain too much. We mean you could complain about how this probably implies there is no mega-trade coming that puts Weber in a Flames uniform, at least not this year, or how this move takes minutes away from a youngster in a 'tread-water' season, but that seems to be about it.

The best part of the deal, at least to us, is that the Flames management did not give the cat some boneheaded Babchukian NMC. Last year, Coach Sutter showed he was able to make players look better than they are by deploying them in roles they could handle (that Babchuks guy name comes to mind here again). Maybe something similar can occur here with Hannan, and the staff is able to juice his numbers for a pick or something at the deadline, and get the second back that the team lost in the Reggie trade.

So there is all that: Value signing, veteran presence, another Sarich on the blueline. Depth move. For a million dollars on a one year ticket, it's hard to complain. We don't think it makes the team any worse, the Reggie trade did that and we don't think this move fixes that, but it may make the team better than it was looking when Brodie and Butler were slotted to have to play minutes.

But the move highlights a couple of things we thought we should talk about. One, the Reggie trade was a disaster. The Phaneuf trade is universally pilloried, and it was pilloried because the team didn't get enough back for its asset. Well, we got even less back with the Reggie trade, but for some reason, King and Feaster seem to skate away from that one. Odd, eh? How the media will cover some transactions but not others? Maybe it speaks to how lonely the people covering this team are, that a simple 'hello' from Feaster can grease the wheels like that.

Anyways, there is that; the shitty trade that needs to get covered up by a scrap heap acquisition. It's a dice roll, for sure, but then, what's the worst that can happen, right? (Well, the worst that could happen is that Babchuk starts seeing top four minutes because of this...)

The more interesting angle to take, and we are surprised nobody has taken it, really, is what this says about the Calgary Flames.

Namely, is it too comfortable to play in Calgary?

From Vicki Hall's article on it, where she flat out says, and backs up with a quote, that Hannan chose to play here because of comfort factors:

Quoteth:

Hannan and his wife Kristina have an 18-month-old son named Gage and a nine-year-old Doberman called Judah. The young family calls Kelowna home in the off-season. Make no mistake: geography had a part to play in the decision to head north.

“You always have that in the back of your head, being close to home, being close to family and friends in the place you grew up,” Hannan said. “It’s always in the back of your mind. It’s great to be able to play in Calgary. I’ve travelled a lot. I’ve played in that division a lot.”

(In fact, here is a fun game. Go to that article Hall wrote, and search for the word 'win'. It doesn't come up.)

Why did Glencross sign here (well, besides the ridiculous term and an even stupider NMC)? Because he wanted to be comfortable. Close to the family, close to the business downtown, close to home, etc. Why did Tanguay resign here? Because his wife and kid(s) fell deeply in love with the beautiful city. Hard to blame them, but again, a comfort thing. Why did Joker come back? Because his daughter really liked it here. Again, to be comfortable.

Obviously, Jaorme Iginla continues to not win here because he is comfortable.

From the players own mouths, they sign here not to win, but because it is a comfortable place to play. Calgary has become like some sort of over 40 community down in Florida. Escape the hustle and bustle of the dog eat dog life of the NHL. Sign in Calgary! Mountains only 30 minutes away! Polite locals! Kids eat free!

Calgary, the anti-Detroit!

Is that a good place for the organization to be? To be comfortable? Does that hinder winning? Do we have other shit to do than today than to finish answering our own questions? Have we set up a nice topic to write about for our next blog post?

Check back later this week, same bat-time, same bat-channel. ZOINK!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.