Friday, March 18, 2011

Roman Turek Profile In Courage

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: If you know like I know, you don't wanna step to this. It's the G-Funk era funked out with a gangsta twist. If you smoke like I smoke then you high like everyday and if your ass is a buster 213 will regulate.

What? Yeah, yeah, you are right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

So, anything happening lately that is a little out of the ordinary? We don't know, anything internationally?

Holy fucking shit! The Earth went fucking Chara on Japan! Nomination! And after all that economic sacrifice to the Green God Gaia this planet has been doing? Suspend the Earth, teach that asshole a lesson... We can just hear the green lobby's response: But you can't judge intent!

One bone to pick. People keep talking about the lack of looting. Our question to them is, loot what? Like, we are amazed people didn't loot the rubble? The level of devastation that occurred in Japan in the effected areas seems to be misunderstood a little.

Nomination number deux is Libya, again. Our favourite topic eva! So the World waits until Qaddafi has basically cleaned house and gained most of his country back before it bravely exclaims that it will indeed enforce a no-fly zone to thwart Qaddafi from...something. We think this is...not smart. Why? Look, Qaddafi is crazy. He was the West's crazy because he was scared of us. Every decision of compliance on his part has been based on his fear that West would kill him if he didn't. So then his country goes and has a little civil war. We got two choices: One, tell Qaddafi he has to go, now; or two, let him deal with his own countries domestic quarrels uninhibited. The problem is the West chose option three, which was a non-existent option for a reason. The West chose a middle path, to 'scratch its chin and think deeply' about the problem. The West chose to half-tell Qaddafi to stop shooting, and then he didn't; and then we did nothing in response. Which probably means Qaddafi is no longer scared of us killing him. Which means Qaddafi isn't going to be as cooperative in the future.

They should have dropped a bomb on this guy and his kids. Whoever took over the country after would at least think we were serious. Oh, and if some Canadian pilot gets shot down to protect Chinese oil infrastructure, that's not going to go down well.

Our third nomination this week: the 'Smut List'! (Click the link, we dare you.) The gist of the story is some teenage geniuses at a high school put together a list, a physical, written down, not-just-in-everybody's-head-anyways-as-a-mental-list list, of every sexual act the students of the high school had participated in (speaking of sex, that sentence ended awkwardly). Which is genius because as soon as one of this kids digitizes that shit, makes it an app, they are going to make a bazillion dollars. The principle of the school is threatening expulsion. Do you think those kids give a shit? They are sitting on a lottery ticket. Imagine, you just take a picture of someone, and boop boop beep the machine spits out whether or not the girl is a gamer or not. The VC firms are fighting each other already.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award is: Nate Dogg.

For...Dying? Yee, for dying!

Nate Dogg began life in the sleepy little town of Long Beach, California. The son of a preacher man, which means the kid had soul. At the age of 16, Dogg left the kids at school and joined the Marines. Gangsta.

Following his stint with the Corps, Dogg would go on to become famous. Cameo appearances on albums like The Chronic would propel the Dogg into the penthouse.

With the money coming in and life stabilized for Dogg, he decided to pursue some of his hobbies. Dogg would travel the world, attending events, and over time he began to see that many events and venues around the world featured terrible, unlistenable music. The biggest culprit of this, Dogg observed, were stadiums.

Dogg, whenever he had free time, would go around and try to help the various stadiums around the world with their in-game music selections. On a trip through Canada to pick sticky icky with Snoop Dogg, the Dogg's would happen to make their way to Calgary. They heard, and took literally, the term 'herione beer', and so made their way down to the Dome. That's when Nate Dogg knew he had a job to do.

Being subjected to the horrible playlist at the 'Dome for over two hours caused Nate Dogg to suffer a stroke. He was just so transcendent musically that being subjected to the bad music caused his body sever shock and trauma. However, Nate Dogg would fight his way back to a semblance of health because he had a burning desire to come back to the 'Dome and change the playlist, for the betterment of mankind.

Eventually, Nate Dogg had regained his health to the point where he was able to set out on the long journey from the LBC to Calgary. Making his way up to the North of the continent with velvety vocal smoothness, his entry into Calgary was heralded with the arrival of a chinook. He made his way down to the Dome, hoping to make it to the game before the awful music started. Unfortunately, badly timed traffic lights and poor civic management caused a great delay in his travels. By the time Nate Dogg arrived at the Dome, the music had started.

Undeterred, Nate Dogg entered the building. He felt strong enough, he thought he would be able to withstand the barrage of poorly chosen music he was about to walk into. Alas, he was wrong. Making it through the anthems with ease, Nate Dogg was taken aback a bit when he heard the tired and played out intro song. Yet, he maintained. It was nothing he hadn't heard at every other arena he had ever been too. But then, at 18:02 in the first period, Olli Jokinen would score a goal, and the music crew at the Dome would kill Nate Dogg.

For you see, when Nate Dogg heard that...sissy goal scoring song, his heart just stopped. He couldn't believe something so...soft would be played for the Calgary Flames.

RIP, Dogg. If only you had made it to the Dome earlier.

For attempting to end the lameness at the Dome, Nate Dogg wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Explaining The Flames Three Game Losing Streak

After almost two and a half months of zombie fueled murder, the Flames recently suffered a mutilation to their playoff hopes by losing three games in a row to Western opponents. Two of those three loses occurred against the same team, the Phoenix Coyotes.

Which is strange. In every zombie movie we have ever seen, never has a zombie been taken out by an overgrown desert rat. It makes sense though. Coyotes are scavengers, they are corpse eaters by nature. Should we be surprised that the walking corpse Flames were then devoured by such a creature?

Alas, we should not be. On March 6th, the Flames gamely defeated the Predators, a beast who eats on the flesh of the living, and was therefore unable to deal with the Flames zombie shuffle. There was snow on the ground in Calgary.

The Flames would then shamble on over to Dallas, where they would face a Stars team that bequeathed it's powers of invincibility to no man, and was therefore unable to defeat the flaming horde of unkillable zombies. It was overcast in Dallas.

Zombie migration would then see the Flames mosey on in to the suburbs of Phoenix, the den of the scavenger. It was a beautiful day. The zombie's hunger went from points, to golf.

Reminded about the game that they love, the Country Club imbibed in many, many rounds of golf under the omnipresent glare of the desert sun. We don't know much about biology, but we do know that zombie flesh festers if left out for hours in a hot desert. And so the zombies festered and fatigued, but most importantly, remembered they love golf.

Forced back onto a plane and off the golf courses following the loss, the zombies would face off against statistically the best team in the league, in Rogers Rectum, in a wet, unfriendly city...with no golf. The game was hard. The Canucks are the type of quality team that the zombie Flames would have to face in the playoffs, and it was hard. The zombies remembered that they could be playing golf instead.
(too many drugs)

And while the zombies escaped Vancouver with their heterosexuality intact, the Country Club was none to happy to return to Calgary. Snow was on the ground. The golf courses were all closed. And their opponent, the Coyotes, only reminded the team of this fact. And then the game was hard. The Country Club missed Troons Clubhouse...

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

*In unrelated news, I think it's time I give up PCP.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Our Ironman Is A Wimp

We have not run a gag or a bit in forever. Today will not be the day we break that streak.

Because, honestly, we got nothing. The funniest thing we have heard about the Flames lately was in the columns out today, talking about JBlow and the ironman streak. Uhh, yeah, for sure. Because the cat doesn't hit anybody!

Or, as Busby deadpanned: 'While no one would claim Bouwmeester is the next Scott Stevens as a physical blueliner...' You know, because who would expect a player who is 6'4, 220 pounds, and is fast enough on skates that he could put any forward in his sights, to actually hit anyone.

Some of you don't place importance on JBlows physicality, and we think that is wrong. If JBlow is going to be playing for 30 minutes a game, but he doesn't hit anybody, then those aren't exactly hard minutes for the opposition. Stick checks might be embarrassing, but they aren't going to keep a player from the corner. A check does. Intimidation, like it or not, is a quality. Chris Pronger is effective because he not only plays a ton of minutes, but because when he is on the ice opposition players need to keep their heads up, lest they want to eat a dirty elbow.

How many months do you think JBlows parents would ground him if he threw a dirty elbow?

Anyways, JBlow is the biggest pussy on this team. This team has Matt Stajan on it.

Chart time!

JBlows pussy cat act:

He plays more minutes than anyone else on the team, and his hit rate is one of the lowest. Barely higher than Bowflex's rate. Lower than Matt Stajans rate. Lower than Hagmans for Whalens sake. He beats Brenda Morrison out, and Tangs out, but big whoop.

No shit he is the NHL's ironman. He never hits anybody. We would take the annually injured Pronger over JBlow and his 'streak' any day.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Face-offs? We Don't Need To Win No Stinking Face-Offs!

You know what's awesome? Having Jokinen, Stajan, Moss, Backlund, all nominally called 'centres', and the coach still chooses to go with Tangs to take a crucial face-off shorthanded, in our zone.

And it's awesome because, on the surface, you can't even say he made the wrong choice, can you? Because nobody on this team can win a face-off. Right?

The Dirty:





First, methodology. League Average is a pretty rough number. You had to have had played in at least 50 games, and had to have taken at least 50 face-offs at ES. Otherwise the charts is what they say they is, yo.

And at first blush, they say that Tangs should probably not have been taking that face-off in our zone when the game was tied.

The Flames 'best' face-off man when shorthanded is, with very limited attempts, David Moss. If the coach isn't going to use Moss, and BMo is unavailable due to injuries, then the numbers say *puke* Matt Stajan is the best choice. We wouldn't be making a huge stink about it if Tanguay wasn't winning face-offs, in all situations, at a sub 40% clip. Right?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.