Friday, March 11, 2011

Doucheburgeeza

So the first week after we made a big stink about treating the RTPIC with the care and attention it deserves, we go and skip the RTPIC. Of course, right?

Geeze, fuck off people. We realize we look like Loubardias (our new euphemism for 'hack'). The RTPIC will be here next week for reals, pinky swear.

But not this week. Busy #winning, you know?

Anyways, how are we going to cop out on this post? Do you want to hear us rant and rave about how the Flames probably should have one that game if they wanted any cushion at all for the playoff stretch? Do you want to hear us bitch and moan about getting traffic to the net?

Maybe you do, but probably not. Everyone is talking about that shit. All we are going to say on that game is that we hope the Flames didn't wet their appetites for golf on their trip to Phoenix.

Ok then...so baseball season is coming up, and we found a flow chart you may or may not have seen. We present it here in all its plagiarized glory:


Wut up, Cuz? Shit is mildly amusing. You will notice the circuitous route one must take to be a Cubs fan. Bullshit. Slammin' Sammy Sosa, baby. Fuck Mark McGwire.

Argh malarg, people. We thought this was funny, found in random internet search goodness: How To Buy A Minor League Baseball Team. You know, because who hasn't gotten up on a lazy Sunday just itching to buy a minor league baseball team, right? And the problem is, as it always is with these kinds of things, you just don't know where to start. Well now you do. Your welcome.

But wait, there is more: Mars BlakeMan. It's gotta be the shoes:



He looks like a truck and he will run you over. He is also dead wrong. Best TE on the planet? Heath Miller, dumbass.

Hey look, some wrestler who's hardcore is way more hardcore than your hardcore got kicked out of a fancy pants club in LA for jumping into a pool. Somebody tell that pool wrestling isn't real.

Japan, eh? Holy fuck. Glad we aignt there.

Oh yeah, Loubardias. Fuck, it's not funny anymore. Those last two broadcasts were awful. He stutters, mispronounces words, drops creepy unpaid for plugs (honey bunches of oats that's some kind of product? Are you fucking kidding me with that shit?), bites Whalen lines...enough already. We need to kick this campaign into high gear. Next week, we get the Sportsnet directory and start calling VP's.

Anyways, it is Friday. Go out, get drunk, and take home a stranger.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Arbitrary Dates, Dirty Hits, Cry Babies,

So now Darryl Sutter getting fired wasn't the catalyst that jumped the teams shooting percentage (but not shots per game) up several percentage points. No, that catalyst is now the December 23rd game against Dallas (see here and here).

Ugh...sorry, no.

First, before we begin, doesn't it seem odd that both papers, who ostensibly should be competing with each other for eyeballs, run what is essentially the same story on the same day?

Honestly, this is how we can see the Flames give you guys talking points. Don't make it so obvious, salesmen masquerading as journalists.

Anyways, look at the schedule. After the 'turn-around' of December 23rd, we lose at home to the Islanders by three goals. That started a four game losing streak. Sorry, arbitrarily picked date denied.

The Flames turned their season around after the six to zilch drubbing at the hands of the Wild.

Look, we know that the media people are not day traders, because if they were, they would understand trend lines. Do you know what a 'bottom' is (Peter Loubardias, don't answer that)? It's the floor of a downward trend line. A bottom must be hit before a trend line can change. Once the trend line hits the bottom (and you see this of course only using hind-sight, unless you're Doug Kass), once it hits the floor, it bounces off it, and you will see the trend line start to change direction.

It appears most obvious to us that after December 23rd, as we said, the team goes on a four game losing streak. Which means the team didn't bottom on or before December 23rd. Which means that isn't the magical date the team turned it around, no matter what the Flames issued talking points say.

The Flames bottomed January 19th, 2011. Period. We don't care that this date wrecks the whole 'Darryl Sutter Is Evil and Holds The Flames Back From Scoring' narrative, which was bullshit to begin with.

Anyways, lecture over, salesmen masquerading as journalists.
...

The Chara hit was about the dirtiest thing we have seen in a long time, and we hang out with prostitutes.

Honestly, not much more to add than that. Chara knew exactly what he was doing, he even uses his arm to assist the cats flight into the turnbuckle. You can pretend otherwise, but that's exactly what you are doing, pretending, and we don't have to pretend along with you. Chara tried to cut Pacioretty's head off. On purpose.

We love the Habs blog, but if they don't want to lead the angry mob, we will. The hit was a dirty hit. Chara's motivation behind it is irrelevant. He can say he isn't a dirty player all he wants, but he is, if not before, he is now. He can say he didn't mean to cut  Pacioretty's head off, but that doesn't matter. Intent doesn't matter, actions do. If this was a court of law and we were trying a murder case, then yeah, his intent would regulate whether the cat is on trial for manslaughter or murder, but a trial would still be held regardless, and charges would be laid.

You go out and drink and get drunk and drive home and run someone over on the way. You didn't mean to do it, you had no malicious intent. You still go on trial for vehicular homicide (or worse), and you still go to jail. Even though 'But it was only an accident'.

So this is bullshit. Chara should be suspended until Pacioretty's out of the hospital at the very minimum, and we would suspend the cat for the rest of the season, playoffs included. We don't care about his 'intent'. We care about what Chara did, and what he did was hit Pacioretty late to send him into the turnbuckle (and yeah, Chara knew exactly where he was on the ice, we aren't pretending along with the apologists).

Chara is a dirty player who should be suspended for a long time. You want the definition of lack of respect? It's that Chara hit. We know he is a star and all, but if the NHL wants to show that it cares about protecting it's players, all of it's players, what better way to send that message than with a long suspension for Z.

Because if they don't, then the next time these guys play, someone is going to get Bertuzzied, and the league doesn't need anymore black eyes.
...

Can't wait until Steve Moore wins that lawsuit, by the way. Bertuzzi is a criminal in our estimation and it is a joke that the league still allows him to play.
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Brenda Morrison should shut the fuck up, no?

Just like we don't want to hear about how the Darryl was mean to the media, we do not want to hear how 20 Cent was mean to Brenda Morrison. First off, 20 cent weighs 100 pounds. If he said something to you, Brenda, that you didn't like, you tell your fucking team mates that they better go out and do something about it. Ok? You don't, Brenda, go out and whine about it to the media.

What happened to the code? Right?

You want to shut them up? Then beat them. It's pretty simple.

So yeah, no sympathy whatsoever for Ms. Morrison. Brenda, if you were upset that 20 Cent thought you were a little bitch before, what do you think he thinks about you know that you have gone and tattled to the media?

Whats more, besides making Brenda look like a whiny little princess, the fact that Brenda is making these comments publicly puts a shitload of pressure on the Calgary Flames. Is Brenda crying out because he wants the world to know that there will retribution? Is he trying to put Tommy K and Tim Jackman, Esq, into a position that they are forced to retaliate against 20 Cent and his smack talk? He is from Vancouver, and that is how they roll over there, so you never know. One problem though: the Flames don't play the Hawks anymore this year, less they see them in the playoffs. So what the hell was Brenda going public with this for?

If Brenda thinks chirping an injured player (obviously Brenda, you have a reputation for miking injuries, that's why they were chirping you) is amateur hour, what do you call running to the media to complain about it?
...

Warrener Wednesdays are way better than Fleury Fridays. Something about Warrener that just works on the radio... Oh yeah, it's called 'enunciation'.

(To steal a phrase from the OG Domebeer-aholic RT) 

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I Hate This Commercial

This is stupid:



Right? Fucking stupid, excuse us.

Let's get out the scalpel. We see this white dude on an airline, and we see this Asian lady, looks like a Korean airline lady (from the uniform she has on, but who knows, it's not important anyways). Whitey hits the 'Stewardess come flirt with me' button, the stewardess comes over, and then blam, the first bit of stupid is introduced to the scenario.

The lady comes over to the man and asks him what's wrong. IN ASIAN!

What? Let's assume this is Korean Air. Korean Air employees speak fucking English. Furthermore, they are trained to talk to fat Americans (and notice we are assuming he is American because he is fat, like any good Korean Air stewardess would have done) in English!

Fuck that pisses me off. Let's continue.

After addressing her customer, who is fat and white and definitely not Asian, in Asian, Whitey points to what looks to be a childs book. The page Whitey points to has a single thing sprawled across the barren white of its page: a picture of a man clearly holding his back. What's more is there are words accompanying this picture. In English, the words 'Back Pain' are written, and immediately underneath the Asian translation. Whitey points to this picture, shows it to the stewardess, and says "Do you have something for pain?"

That's cool, that's alright. Nothing to get upset about with this little bit of scene setting. But then the commercial doesn't end eight seconds in. You see, the stewardess hands the man over a package of Bayer brand aspirin. Shit hits the fan.

Whitey looks on the package of Bayer aspirin with pure disgust, before turning to the Asian stewardess who has spoken to him in Asian, and to whom he is speaking to with the aid of an illustrated translation book for children, which means he should have no expectation she can speak any English whatsoever, and explains to her, in English, a language he believes she cannot speak, that "No, no , no, I'm not having a heart attack; it's my back!"

What? First off, does Whitey think the Asian stewardess is unable to read and understand that stupid childs English to Asian (look I don't know if it's Korean or not for sure, ok?) translation picture book? The words 'Back Pain' were written in Asian as well, and he showed her the book. Does Whitey think the woman is stupid? Secondly, "I'm not having a heart attack."? What the fuck is that shit? What the hell is Whitey thinking? That the stewardess is so callous that she would simply give aspirin to a man suffering from a heart attack and then nonchalantly continue on with her duties? It's a really stupid scene. But the commercial isn't over; let's see how these two wacky kids resolve this cute cultural impasse.

"Trust me, it works great for pain." Oh fucking snap exclaims the author of this post, that Asian can speak English! Damn son. For reals, yo. She was playing your ass, Whitey!

Oh Lord that was stupid. Let's just deal with 'Trust me'. Trust her? How can we or Whitey 'trust her'? She has spent the first 25 seconds of this commercial doing everything in her power to throw off a vibe that says 'Hey, fatty, I don't speak English', only to reveal now, deep into the relationship, that she actually does speak English, and not only that, but fluent English. How the fuck can Whitey trust you after you deceived him like this? I'm watching from my couch at home and I can't fucking trust you after that. 'Trust you'? I wouldn't trust you if I was having a heart attack!

Also, the stewardess...I'd hit that.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Salmagundi

Grab yourself a big bowl on the Monday...

LOUBARDIAS IS A HACK

This tool needs to go. He proved it last night. Proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Jarome Iginla is sitting a goal away from scoring his 30th of the season. If he gets that goal, that would mean Jarome Iginla has scored 30 goals in 10 consecutive seasons, something only 9 other human beings in the history of the NHL have ever done. That would place it in the 'Historic Moment' category of dope shit.

You know who was prepared for the moment? The Hall Of Famer, Pope of the Flamesdom, Peter Maher. You know why Peter Maher was prepared? Because he isn't a stupid moloch; because he isn't a hack. Peter Maher didn't get into the Hall of Fame because he shows up to games unprepared, or because he isn't able to read the moment.

Peter Loubardias can't carry Peter Mahers enormous jock strap. Loubardias will never be even considered for the Hall of Fame, and his hack act was fully exposed last night. Jarome Iginla gets a penalty shot, and if he scores, it's number 30 and History. On top of that pressure is the pressure on Jarome normally, and then on top of that is the fact that Jarome has low rate of success on penalty shots (shoot outs). Tension is in the air.

Of course, Jarome has caught the zombie-itus just like every other member of the Flames, now laughs at the face of death and failure, calmly picks the puck up at centre and delivers it to the back of the net. Number 30, Greatness, Elation.

You know how Peter Maher called it? He dropped his patented and gold plated "Yeah Baby!"

It was fucking Epic with a capital E. You know what Peter Loubardias managed to pig squeal out?

"There it is!"

'There it is'? Are you fucking kidding me with that shit? 'There it is'? Are you fucking sleepwalking through one of the great moments in a great players career?

It's getting to be embarrassing. We know Loubardias has tried to dig his tentacles into the Calgary media scene, and has a lot of friends in that scene. We don't care. He is an amateur who should be calling Heat games on the local access station in Abbotsford. Send him to call some Junior team where calls like 'There it is!' can pass some muster. But to continue to pretend that the man has the chops to cut it in the big leagues is very disingenuous.

Loubardias is suppose to 'paint a picture'. He, by virtue of his position, helps establish the narrative of a game. But how can he do that when he has no sense of the moment? He can't. Last night he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he cannot be trusted to call Flames games. He had a chance at a signature moment and he exposed himself and his lack of ability by missing it. This isn't Red Deer. This is Calgary, a world class city, with a major league hockey team. It's high time we got someone in the booth who was able to rise to the challenge, and not sink broadcasts down to mediocrity.

If there is any justice in the world, Loubardias would have fired himself last night. Because Sportsnet has a monopoly, we are forced to simply hold our breaths.
...

Matt Stajan, Scientist

While everyone was going gaga over Jaromes accomplishment, we were actually much more impressed with the neat new trick Matt Stajan learned. That's right, Matt Stajan has learned how to control the pigment of his skin, and oddly, the inorganic material that makes up his jersey as well, so as to limit how much light he reflects. Matt Stajan has learned how to turn himself invisible.

Which is awesome. Now that Matt Stajan has mastered this feat, it is only a matter of time before he decides to quit hockey for good and start a new and lucrative career in the defence industry, manufacturing Predator like suits for the good guy to wear overseas.

And Matt, if the only thing holding your retirement from hockey back is the need for some venture capital, drop us an email and we will have a group of investors together faster than it takes to pig squeal 'There it is'.
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Stat Guy Is Out Of Control

Don't want to make this into some sort of war, because in their hearts Stat Guy is simply trying to advance the debate. Advanced metrics are always handy, provided they provide real value in evaluation. Because hockey is not baseball, that is, the game isn't static, we always view these advance stats, particularly when they come to individuals, with a grain of salt. They are not gospel, in other words.

But they are nice. We go to BehindTheNet, and find that it does provide insight. But recently we have discovered that the erstwhile people behind the site, and therefore we are assuming Stat Guy in general, do not believe in the concept of 'high percentage shot'.

With all due respect, that is insane.

Maybe we read it wrong, but to us, when you say you don't believe in the 'high percentage shot', what you are saying is that all shots on goal are of equal value. And that is patently false, and you don't need to crunch any numbers to come to that conclusion.

Nobody is on the ice except you and the goalie. Stand in front of the goalie, in the slot. What do you see? You see holes at the corners, and the five hole. There are areas that are open to score on because a goalie in that position cannot cover all the holes. Now move. Lets take the puck to the extreme side, left or right, doesn't matter greatly (side you shoot from will have some effect on chance, obviously). What do you see? You see the post, and you see the goalie tucked up against the post. You can sneak the puck through space that exists between the goalie and the post, if any such space exists. If you skate in close enough and manage not to get poke checked, you may be able to reach around the goalie to score as well. From a numbers perspective, you have narrowed your choices of empty space of the net considerably from the extreme left or right angles. This will of course have an effect on the chance of success of the shot. Let's get even more extreme. Take the puck behind the net. You can now score on wraparounds only. If you skate the puck out from behind the net to get a shot on goal, you have moved into the slot.

Of those three positions, directly in front of the goalie in the slot; on the extreme side of the goal; and from the behind the net, chances of success on a shot varies. If we give you 100 shots from all three positions, does anyone here doubt that the success rate you have shooting from the slot will be higher than the success rate from the two other positions?

Now we are highly sympathetic to the argument that a team should look to generate a high volume of shots on net. Luck does exist, and the chaotic nature of a hockey game ensures that systems break down and players and goalies get out of position. Bad shots do score. But to pretend that all shooting angles are the same, that there is no such thing as a 'high percentage shot' is simply nuts.

The above was very Descarte, admittedly, but what else can be done? We have yet to see a hockey stat that shows the position of the goalie relative to the shooter, and the position of the shooter relative to the defence. A compilation of every teams shot chart would be a good place to start, we guess.
...

Give Me Back My Leverage

The best part of Phoenix going to Winnipeg is that Murray Edwards loses a boogieman. When Edwards tries to extort public money for a private stadium, he only has a few plays. One of those plays is to threaten to take the team to another market. The thing with hockey is it isn't football. There is probably only one open market that Edwards could make more money in than here, and that is the Hamilton market. Regardless, he could have threatened to move the team Winnipeg. He can't do that now. He also can't threaten to move it to Quebec with any credibility, because the people behind the Quebec bid want to own their own team, and by 'their own team' we mean the cheap as dirt to acquire Thrashers. That leaves Hamilton, and Bettman won't let him move the team to Hamilton, because that's a market the NHL thinks it can get $500 million dollars for if someone is forced to start a new team from scratch in that market. There is no market in the States that is going to generate more revenue for Edwards than Calgary.

In short, he is stuck. In short, the city and the province have some leverage. In short, the interest rate on the loan just went up.
...

End The Lameness

Whether we believe in the Flames or not is moot. The team is winning right now and we are definitely enjoying watching it.

But winning means we are scoring, and when we score, the people at the Dome play that stupid fucking song. And it is a stupid fucking song. It's lame, it sounds stupid, and it projects an image of softness. Let us put it this way: that song would never get played by men in a real locker room.

Playing the Sesame Street song would be better, for Whalens sake.

Seriously, we have to sit through a hack play by play accompanied by boring colour, Sportsnet uses a shitty director for the Flames games, and whenever the team scores we hear this annoying and nerdy goal song. Enough. Game needs to be seriously stepped up in all directions.

Who is in charge of this stuff? Why haven't they been fired? Who do we complain too? Where are the answers?
...

The best part of Olli Jokinens resurgence is he has trade value again!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.