Friday, March 4, 2011

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award Review


It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Cop out posts!

Huh? What? Oh yeah, yeah, you're right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

But we are going to switch it up here a little this week. If you have been coming to the site with any regularity, you may have run into a RTPIC post from time to time. We're going to be honest with you: currently, we feel perturbed about having to write them. It's crazy, but it's true. We find our enthusiasm for the RTPIC...drifting.

Which is a shame. The RTPIC is one of the few institutions we have on the site. We are Burkes, not Robespierres; we do not guillotine institutions, but rather reform them. As we said, the RTPIC is drifting, wandering. And when one has lost ones path, one goes about finding it again by retracing ones path.

Before we begin, however, we cannot fight the urge to drift and wander further afield yet. We must have Nominees and Award-Winners, for it to be an RTPIC. Nominees, yes; but as you have probably already ascertained, the RTPIC itself is the winner.

Nominee 1: Wisconsin. There is a lot of talk about the union protests in Wisconsin. Of all the empty thunder and impotent noise we heard, one alone out of the cacophony struck us and made us take note: Collective Bargaining elevated to the status of Human Right. Laughable. There was a time where there was but one Human Right: I Can Devour Thee. Over thousands of years, history in large measure is the chronicle of the slaves of the Ruler trying to drag this Right off its Throne of Skulls, and force its abdication. And the task is not even completed yet, in the year 2011. We make this point to illustrate that there is no Rights, only Privileges.

What's more, we feel the protesters are on the side of Entrenched Privilege. Entrenched in what? I Can Devour Thee! The protesters want what they want and if they don't get it, we get astroturf. Well, elections have consequences, as they say, the public sector union bosses 'Or Else' notwithstanding.

Nominee 2: Libya. Qaddafi offers the Free World two things: Oil, and the promise he will not build WMD's. We can find another person to promise not to build WMD's, while Qaddaffi is proving he is not able to guarantee the flow of Oil. Which means that Qaddafi doesn't really offer anything, does he? Why is this man still breathing? It's a testament to the softness of the age we live in, we guess.

Nominee 3: NFL's looming lockout, obviously. That would suck. Honestly, we side with the owners. You know why? Because if the players were serious, they would realize what type of hammer they wield. The people pay to see players. The players have received hundreds of millions of dollars during this CBA. If they were serious about negotiating with the owners, they would have saved up a large chunk of that in a war chest, and then gone out into the market and used their war chest to leverage up. The fact that they didn't makes me question their seriousness of purpose. With that money they would have been able to start their own league, who knows. But because the players didn't go out and prepare themselves better, which would have put more pressure on the owners to negotiate, we might have to miss a season of NFL football. What the hell are we going to gamble on then?

And that is the end of the drifting. The RTPIC is the winner of the RTPIC. But as the purpose of this exercise was to find our path and reinvigorate the Muse, let's not tarry any longer.

The List Of RTPIC Winners To Date:

1) Mini Daddy

2) Littlest Hobo

3) Dome Beers (After 30 days of existence, no less!)

4) Samurai Pizza Cats

5) Richard Sterban (Of the Oakridge Boys)

6) Brett Hart

7) Flames Fans

8) Patrice O'Neal (You ever piss on her, sir?)
9) Bullshit (as in B.S.)

10) Mr. Cooper (Of Hangin' With...)

11) Hart Dynasty (who aren't on TV anymore, no doubt victims of the Dome Beers Curse.)

12) Super Dave Osbourne

13) Mike Cammalleri (And to think, you could have had Cammo for Hagman and Kotaliks money.)

14) Chris Bawl (Kid who was jumping off shit round the local.)

15) Gary Coleman

16) Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (Act like you know.)

17) Buckshot

18) Dads

19) Jose Bautista

20) Tequila (This one was one we actually enjoyed reading again, go figure.)

21) Jose Neto (Run for Mayor Jose Neto!)

22) Cowgirls

23) Huff's Speech

24) Brian Bews (The pilot of the fighter jet that crashed.)

25) Ric Flair

26) Gilbert Gottfried (ROMAN TUREKS PUBLICIST TOTALLY SAID HE WOULD DO AN INTERVIEW WITH US THEN THE CAT STIFFED US! ASSHOLE!)

27) Man Eaters

28) Deep Fried Beer

29) Cito Gaustins Moustache

30) The Smoking Monkey

31) French Riots (Speaking of Wisconsin...)

32) Dumpster Baby

33) Rubber Trouts Movember Campaign (Hey, Domebeer-aholics, raise your hand if you gave money. A Z R's hand is up. Is yours? Why isn't yours?)

34) Goldust

35) JB Smoove

36) Leslie Nielsen/ Ron Santo (Sad week, that one.)

37) The Alaska Nanooks Opening Videos (Which might be the best RTPIC recipient so far.)

38) Killer Fox

39) Mike Richards (Radio personality currently being warehoused by TSN.)

40) Bishnu Shrestha (The cat who stopped a train robbery by 40 people by himself.)

42) TNA Womens Division (Apparently they call it the 'Knockout Division', our bad.)

43)  Football to the Groin.

That little exercise probably helped you, dear Reader, out none to much, but it helped us out. Going back through the pages of DB's dark and murky past, we saw how UnSerious we used to be. The RTPIC is for gags, for dappage, for satire on occasion. But it's suppose to be fun, so we should have fun writing them. We like the old school ones the best. Who the RTPIC winner is, What they have done to acquire a skill, How they used their skill to help out the Calgary Flames. We think getting away from the format was what caused the drift. Like it or not, we are going to return to the format, we think.

The other fallacy we had in our heads that this little adventure in list making destroyed was the fallacy of the lack of candidates. Seeing it in front of our eyes, it really illustrates who we haven't given the coveted award to. A bit of inside baseball you didn't need to read, but we put it up anyways.

Anways, RTPIC to the RTPIC. We will have a proper one next week, whether the audience wants it or not.
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A Flames take? You wadded through all of that for a Flames take?

Well, 16 games left, and the Flames have 75 points. So they basically have to go 10-6 here on out. Likely? Who knows. Let's hope the whether doesn't turn so the players minds don't get focused on golf season.

Of those 16 games remaining, 7 come against teams that are (as of today) in the playoffs. They also have 3 games left (on top of the 7) with teams that are not in the playoffs, but a point or two away from being in. Namely Dallas, and the Ducks.

So games in hand be damned, destiny is in the Flames hands. Whether they make it in or not is on the players and the coaches at this point, and because it seems that every team is at the same point, it seems like this is as good a point in the season as ever to start making judgements about players heart and compete levels. If they don't make it in, they are bums. They make it in, a scrappy bunch.

We are fools. This team has broken our hearts so many times it's stupid to extend to it the benefit of the doubt. But we will, to our embarrassment in hindsight, no doubt. The Flames will make the Playoffs. They will make the 6th seed. We will face San Jose. Prophets get shot, so we will stop right there.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

That Is What We Are Talking About

Boat races are fun, eh? Especially when you are on the right side of one.

The Blues are a bad team. The Flames treated them like they were a bad team. That makes us happy.

But wow, let's talk about the Blues for a second. They got shut out twice by the same team in about 3 days? Wow, how awful. And let's put it into a little perspective: the Flames rock Bad(ish)suck(ing-less-then-he-was-before) and Staios as our 5-6 D-pair. We leave #33 and #40 out on the points during power plays. That isn't exactly 'shut down' defence; you can score on those players and those formations.

Well, not the Blues, apparently. There was even a sequence in the game where Stewart has the puck spitting distance from the net, nobody around him, and he takes a big ass slap shot. He is less than 5 feet from the goalie. And Kipper calmly just puts up his glove hand and snatches the puck, which must have been traveling at a million miles an hour. You know what that is? That's getting dunked on, but one of them poster dunks. Miikka dunked on Stewart. Stewart should have been forced to skate off the ice and go enjoy the rest of the game from the locker room.

Stewart wasn't the only Blue to be postered and embarrassed last night, though. Which fan one the contest to play in net for the Blues last night? Bishop, that the cats name? You are not an NHL goalie, Mr. Bishop. Nice of the Blues to employ you though, helped the Flames out. Wonder if Jarome is going to buy the guy dinner?

For reals, people. BMo is skating the puck up on the wing, staring at Jarome for like 30 feet, it's a two on one on paper, but the idiot Blues defender doesn't commit to Jarome or BMo so passing lanes galore are open, BMo takes advantage of that by sliding the puck over to Jarome, who has been skating up the ice with his stick up in the air and already has his feet set up to unleash a one-timer, and the rec league goalie the Blues were putting on the ice doesn't cheat over to Jaromes side? Do you know #12 is a Hall Of Famer, Mr. Bishop? We bet you know now.

Whoever taught Bishop his technique should be embarrassed. That's all we are going to say about that. Whoever decided that this cat was good enough to play in the best hockey league in the world is the guy who should shoulder the blame.

Anyways, that's how you are suppose to treat bad teams. Good on the Flames for doing so.
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What else did we want to talk about...

Fuck, Diane Francis's precious little baby boy had an interesting tidbit in his column the other day:

"But perhaps the most exciting development for the organization Monday is the fact that there was a war room: A fully catered meeting of the minds that featured several prominent scouts, advisors, president Ken King and a few others openly exchanging information and ideas on how the Flames could best proceed."

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. That's not true, is it? Tell me the guy who is responsible for selling jerseys is not in on decisions that effect the hockey operations side of the business, a part of the business that one Kenneth King knows nothing about at all? Tell me that's a typo right? Because if it isn't, that aignt good. It's even worse that Diane Francis's little boy is writing about this situation like it is a good thing.

Quick question: What the hell did Ken King know about hockey in the years before he hired Darryl? Nothing? Oh, that's interesting. And then what did Ken King know about hockey in the years he employed Darryl? Oh, that's right! As every ink stained scribe keeps telling us, Darryl was Caesar and made all the decisions himself. That means Ken King wasn't included. That means Ken King didn't know shit about hockey while Darryl was employed here! And all of a sudden Ken King, Feaster, and the rest of the Sutters palace coup Darryl, and lo and behold Ken King is in the war room, not as an observer, but as a participant!

Were the Flames in deep discussions about trading jerseys? Ticket packages? Broadcast rights? Lobbying angry phone calls to the local radio station? Because if they were, then fine, let King into the room. But we have a sneaking suspicion that wasn't going on in the war room on trade deadline day.

This has big implications. Were certain moves, like trading a Glencross who is demanding a five year term to resign, not done because Ken King was concerned about the image of the team following a move like that? Who had the final say, Ken King or Feaster? Was Ken King in the room as the owners representative? Did Feaster have any real authority on trade deadline day?

Look, the Flames tell us, the fans, all the time that they are in it to win it. They then go out and insert the companies salesman into the hockey operations on the trade deadline. Why?

And why weren't these questions even asked? Look, we don't talk about the CONFLICT OF INTEREST that exists between, say the FAN960 (who pay for the rights to broadcast the games, and because they do get enhanced media access) and the Calgary Flames. Or Eric Francis and Ken King. But we are going to start talking about it a lot more if mouth breather pieces like this keep coming out. Either you are a salesman, or you are a journalist.And if you ask us, there are an awful lot of salesmen in this city.

Maybe ya'll missed this in school: a journalist is suppose to be a skeptic.
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On this skeptic stuff, the tone of the post deadline coverage, where everybody had the same point, made it smell a little like the media is getting talking points straight from the organization.

Jay Feaster (Or Ken King, or whoever was in charge) had three options. He (whomever 'he' was) could have traded the UFA's to recoup assets, could have continued with the status quo, or could have added a player for the cup run.

There are pro's and cons to each of these three scenarios. Feaster (we are assuming it was him but who knows with this organization) chose to go the status quo route. Fine. But for the media to come out en masse and suck his dick over that? A little disappointing. Nobody wanted to show a spine and write about how a team who is constantly panned for overspending on free agents and not having any prospects missed an opportunity to recoup a shit load of prospects by trading away it's UFA's at the deadline? Nobody?

BMo, Babchuk, Glencross, Tangs. These are good players, but more importantly, they are good players who are on cheap contracts. That means they provide what we like to call 'surplus utility'. Because they are UFA's, they will get raised next year. There 'surplus utlity' will be eaten up, because they will be paid market rates. We all love Glencross when he makes 1.2 million. Do you love love love him when he is making 3 million and signed for 5 years? Same with Tangs. Tangs at 1.7 million provides a ton of value. Tangs at 3 provides value, but not very much compared to his cap hit.

The team is on a roll and they are going to try and make a run. Fine, that's not the issue. The issue is that that wasn't the only move a reasonable person could have made. The other moves that could have taken place are worthy of discussion. Nobody in the MSM wanted to talk about it? Strange.

And you just know when the draft comes around the MSM are going to be bitching about the fact the Flames have no draft picks.
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Great news on the 'Saddledome Plays Shitty Music' front. The morning guys are starting to make fun of it, Rhett Warrener is starting to make fun of it, Live! On Air, which means that critical mass is building. The techno crew who took over the 'dome production are getting it from all sides, and you know that because Ken King listens to the FAN960 to make sure they don't knock the team, he heard that.

Pink slips cannot be very far. And what a wonderful development that would be.

We are going to get sexists on you all here. Not to be mean, we love women, but seriously, who is running the music, a woman? That isn't even fair. A girl, not a woman, is running the music, right? The techno goal song, the techno intermission, the techno TV timeouts...it's a girl who likes to dance, who likes the clubs. But the Saddledome is not a fucking club. Keep that dance music the fuck out, unless they are doing a dance contest during intermission.

Get your boyfriend to take you out, music director. The Saddledome has an organ, right? You want to pay techno, play it on the organ. Hell, everything should be from the organ, but if they are going to run a playlist, put some fucking cheesy 80's rock on. Guitar rifts work at a hockey game, pop-electric-music...not so much.

And if it isn't a girl who is running the music, if it's a man, then that man needs to hand in his man card, because his uterus is showing.

Also, play some country music. Haggard, please.
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There was something else we wanted to hit on, but it has slipped from our mind.

Well this is awkward...

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Dome Beers Trade Deadline Extravaganza

We were going to do a 'Great Hair Debate' today, like we did last year, probably on 'Public Sector Unions'.

But here is the thing. We went to the game yesterday, we drank our 'Dome beers, we had fun. We didn't prepare a 'Great Hair Debate' for today. If we were getting paid to make a deadline, we would have been fired.

We don't get paid, though, so it's all good. And we are sitting here at work and we have a choice to make. We could throw up something quick and dirty and call it a day. Lately, we seem to have been doing that a lot, and we think the quality of the site has suffered a bit. Not that it was of all that quality to begin with.

So we are going to be honest with you all. No gag or bits, or lameness.

Our opinion of this team is it's not good. Of the two camps, 'Believers' and 'Non-Believers', we, to our everlasting shame, lean towards the 'Non-Believer' camp'. They didn't beat Vancouver, they didn't beat Boston, and they didn't beat San Jose. Then, in a game they had to win to show they were not going same old same old, they sleepwalk through a contest with the Blues. And fuck Peter Maher for going on the radio and trying to sugar code the game with 'playoff atmosphere' platitudes. The Blues are a shitty team. The Flames let them hang around.

We're sorry, but that doesn't inspire confidence in us. Who are we? We aren't journalists, we are fans. Our opinion as fans of this team is that they are not good enough to provide us with legitimate grounds to hope for a Cup run. Hell, we aren't inspired enough to think these guys could get through the first round.

Seriously, San Jose boat races the team through the third period of that game, and shuts the team down in overtime (we could give a shit what happens in the shoot-out; it's fake). They needed, for us to believe, to come out and force their will on the Blues. Instead, the Flames came out and decided that because they were wearing a red jersey they were going to win. That's a bad habit of the 14th place team. It shows complacency. Do you know how hungry you have to be to win the Stanley Cup?

Sorry, we don't get the feeling the team is hungry. Instead of making a statement at home against a team you can bury, they play a boring game. They could have lost that game too, the way they were playing. They only scored because of a lucky puck deflection got the puck to Moss in the first place. They blew a four minute power play, and even gave up shots against on it. This team is legitimate?

Don't see it, sorry. Sure, we can go mouth breather on you, squint real hard, and say 'Hey, we have a goalie, some solid blueliners, a few guys who can put the puck in the net, some solid bottom six forwards, we can make a run'. And who knows, maybe the hockey gods are squinting, too. But we see a shitty powerplay, that employs shitty tactics (hint, retards: You guys (the Flames) are not skilled enough to set up a half court offense. MOVE YOUR FUCKING FEET). We see uninspired 5 on 5 play complete with soft passes in our own zone. We see a team that plays to the level of it's competition. We see fucking Matt Stajan.

But we are fans. This team has gone zombie and fought it's way back into the hunt. That cannot be dismissed. More than that, though, is the amount of money this team charges for tickets, and the amount of money season ticket holders have plunked down is a giant factor in keeping the hope alive. The organization owes it to those people to continue to compete for as high a seed as possible (as much as firebrands like ourselves would like to see the organization trade the UFA's).

Which means that despite all the talk about not wasting resources for the future, this team needs to waste resources for the future. The team has played 64 games, which is about two more than their competition. They are basically tied with 73, 72 points with the competition, and the competition has games in hand. The Flames lose every tie breaker. WE ARE NOT IN THE PLAYOFFS.

And we are not going to pretend that we are. But if everyone else is and we are not going to trade away BMo, Glencross, and Tangs, then this team needs to add. This team is not good enough. If it wants to get good enough, it needs to add. It needs to add a defencemen who can push Staios off the roster. They need to replace Hagman with a player who can actually play a role effectively. We would love it if they could replace Stajan with someone with a little more grit (anyone else see him spin away from a check during the game yesterday and cause a turnover, instead of taking the hit to move the puck into the opposition zone?). If they could move Bourque and his term off the team for a better player (say Bourque, some prospect and a draft pick for Richards) we would love that, too. Keep Backlund, though. We like #11.

Whatever. Bottom line is Feaster should show he has some balls, fuck the media firestorm that will come, and trade the first rounder if he can get a real player for it. This team needs to get better if it is even going to have a chance to beat Vancouver, Detroit, San Jose, Boston, Philly, or whoever. It does, and you all know it. We wanted the GM to blow the team up before it came to this, but he didn't. That was the organizations decision. Now that the team didn't die on the vine, it owes it to the players, to the fans, to the season ticket holders, to improve the team and give it a legitimate chance. Because as the roster looks right now, it doesn't have one.

Fuck the draft pick. This team drafts Chucko's in the first round. We find players in the 3rd round and later. Trade the first rounder, pay the price, and improve the team, Feaster and Edwards. You waited too long to to do anything else.

Feed the Zombie.
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If the Flames do listen to us and do anything, we will update the page with our thoughts.

UPDATE NUMBER ONE

Picked up a blue liner, Carson, on waivers. Yawn. Wake us up when they get a real NHLer.

UPDATE NUMBER TWO

 Fred Modin can now take Hagmans place in the lineup. Hurray, all our problems are solved!

UPDATE NUMBER THREE

Yeah, that's a girl offering to play grab ass with your humble correspondent in the comment sections. A Z R wins the trade deadline.  

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.