Friday, February 25, 2011

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Sic Semper Tyrannis

What? Oh yeah, yeah, that's right. It is also that time of the week when we present the very trophy the Arab world is busy tearing itself apart trying to get: the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

So...did anything happen this week? Anything at all?

Nominee number one this week is going to be Libya and Qaddafi (Gaddafi? If you choose to use the 'Q', you get to write a word that doesn't have the annoyingly hackneyed 'QU' combination.). Man, what a fucking douchebag, eg? Trying to go all 40-foot-gallows on it like that? Dude...abdicate. Right? To any dictators reading this: you go Burma, or you go home.

And it appears Qaddafi does read. Who knows the real number, but the standard one refrained appears to be at least 2,000 dead brave Libyans. At the same time, he doesn't read deep enough; he seems to have only one city left in his control.

Which, who knows, could be a recipe for rainbows, sunshine, and puppy dogs. We don't know anything about Libya. Maybe it is a stable, homogeneous society...oh, tribal society? Fragmented? Shit...Well, hope it turns out well!

Nominee number two is, hell, wouldn't you know it, Qaddafi again! What the hell did he do this time? Well, this wretched little turd is providing an excuse for OPEC and the other players in the market that collude to control the price of oil (oh snap did they just say that?) to jack up the price of said oil. Which is going to give the decrepit and tired PC's of Alberta a shot of life in the arm. Sooo lame, Libya. First off, it's hilarious to us that the Tories forecast into their budget that oil sells for like $85+ all year, and they still run out of money! How fucking inept. Where's Ralph and his 20% cuts down the board? But with a gajillion dollar oil, they are going to be able to turn around next month and say 'hey look we don't have a deficit after all, more spending!', and that taingt right. Choda!

Nominee number tres is Charlie Sheen. Who is currently hanging out with two porn stars in the Caribbean. No doubt copious amounts of cocaine and champagne are being consumed. Probably off of naked porn stars titties. That would be enough to win the RTPIC normally, but then we hear he is calling into radio shows and going all 'spill my heart angry guy'? Uhh, dude, anytime you spend on the phone is time you don't spend with the two porn stars who are wet and ready to go on a white sand beach. Well, unless mad fellatio is breaking out. We have to assume Sheen was getting a beej. Criticism rescinded.

The winner of this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award is: Football To The Groin!

Game starts in two minutes. Out.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


It's a grab bag...

Our feelings towards the Heritage Classic are a little...muddled. Don't get us wrong, it was a terrific event that we enjoyed (live and in person. Shout out section D!) and from what was probably as good a vantage point as you could have expected to have gotten (row 46, on the benches with the people).

But the NHL and the Calgary Flames also sold a lot of tickets to the event that were situated in locations that they knew had severe sight restrictions. At the Alumni game (which they kept one side of the stadium closed for, which was stupid) we sat from rows 1 - 15 and those seats were not good at all. At the HC, when there is a stage for a band to play and the equipment and all the press, it must have been even worse. Should we call the organisation and the NHL out for what appears to be a blatant money grab, or should we embrace caveat emptor?

The Flames, the NHL, they sell spectacle. Keyword in that sentence is 'sell'. If they want to bleed every last dollar they can out of the event, power to them. But let's not pretend that engenders goodwill with the people who are on the wrong side of the transfusion.

The scene: last nights game, second period, Zombies down one goal to the Bears, in our own zone. Scene set.

Curtis Glencross goes to engage whichever Bruin moloch has the puck, and instead of, we don't know, engaging in anything that could remotely called defence, waives lamely at the puck, and let's the Bruin skate past him. Instead of stopping immediately and pursuing the play, Glencross loops. He fucking loops! In our own fucking zone, people.

He's dead to us. D-E-A-D dead. You want to spend money and term on a selfish boneheaded player? Why? Because he got hot for a month? How come you people shit on Iggy for leaving the zone early and cheating for offence and ignore it when Glencross does it?

Whatever. Hate that soft shit. And that stuff doesn't show up in the stats, surface or otherwise. A shot against is recorded, but it's recorded for or against everyone who is one the ice, and it's just one players fault, and it's that players fault because of stupidity.

Glencross thought he was going to strip the puck from the Bruin with a flick of his stick, and then it was him versus the goalie from the Flames blue line out. Glencross thought he was going to take that puck up the ice and score a goal and tie the game off this play. Utter fucking stupidity. Do you realize the type of risk factor there is associated with a play like that? The chance of failure is greater than the chance of success regardless of who you are, and this is even more true when your name is, say,  Curtis Glencross as opposed to Sidney Crosby. And any shinny player knows this.

Selfish, stupid play. And we waived Hagman because he wouldn't pass the puck!

This anti-Darryl ish has got to stop. The pro-Darryl crowd, crow a little. Go ahead, you deserve it. But don't think the Flames catching Zombie-itus has taken us out of the Fire Darryl camp, either. Certainly, however, Darryl Sutter over Jay Feaster.

Steve Macfarlanes is the one we are going to pick on, but everyone with ink stained hands has participated in it. Steve will be our voodoo doll representative of the Calgary MSM.

Steve Mac writes: "Sorry, Don. While Sutter doesn’t deserve all the blame for his team’s awful first few months of the season, he does deserve plenty."

Darryl Sutter doesn't deserve the blame for the players poor performance. If he does, then this team is in big fucking trouble because then we are a very mentally weak teams The players play the game, on the ice. Do you know how hard it is to crack a major league roster? You are telling us, with a straight face, that individuals who are able to overcome that type of pressure are turning to mush at Darryl Sutters glares? It's absurd. These are grown ass men we are talking about.
Steve Mac writes: "Truth is, they couldn’t even enjoy their wins with Darryl around. And losses were like death."
Good. If you listen to Ken King, Flames President, the goal and mission statement of the Calgary Flames is not to have their players enjoy wins and feel good about losing. It's to win a Stanley Cup. Sorry if that intrudes on the Country Club.
This meme that Darryl Sutter is magical and has a magical aura about him is fucking stupid and it's insulting. Stop peddling it. We don't care Darryl Sutter didn't treat you like the unique and special snowflake you and the rest of the media apparently feel you are. Couldn't give less of a fuck if Darryl was curt with a concession worker or ticket taker or whoever. His job was to put the Calgary Flames in a position to win a Stanley Cup. He traded for Ales Kotalik, after trading one of the owners favourite bobbles in Dion Phaneuf, after Olli turned out not to be the mythical 100 point number one centre. When you are on thin ice, you can't trade for Ales Kotalik unless Ales Kotalik turns into a 30 goal scorer.

That's it. Keep it on hockey.

Except when he does: "Wrong on all counts, Don. Langkow had stopped being a top centre well before his unfortunate injury last season, Kiprusoff was probably the team’s MVP in first half of the year, and Iginla probably should have been benched on a couple of occasions but was still routinely given regular shifts by head coach Brent Sutter until he turned his game around by committing to the kind of game his bench boss wanted him to play."

It's still fucking dumb. Langkow may not have been a Dome Beers favourite, but that doesn't mean he was a garbage player. Langkows numbers may have been down because he was so busy being the teams only responsible defensive forward, who knows, just a thought. Furthermore, on the Flames, Langkow was indeed the top centre. Losing Langkow to injury definitely affected the Flames ability to win games. To scoff at it like it is a nothing factor is very strange. And come on with this Kipper was the MVP shit. Kipper was mortal during the first half of the season. He wasn't bad and he wasn't the reason the Flames lost every night, but there were nights when he was. Iggy is the teams MVP. Has been basically the whole season. We know how people like to remember the first month of the season, but lets get real here. Also, because we aren't in the room where Jarome and Brent have their conversations, we certainly aren't about to cast assumptions about them, but it's nice that Steve does.

We get it, Darryl was mean to you. Because he was mean to you, you were very happy when he was fired. Not for the team, but for yourselves. Now that his players have fought there way back into the conversation, riding percentages or otherwise, admit it, some of you media people are a little pissed off Darryl is getting vindication of sorts.

Grow up.

In that vein, we know we are captains on the 'Fire Darryl' team. You know what, though? That doesn't stop us from admitting that Darryl's team is playing well right now. If the hockey gods see fit, and bestow a Stanley Cup on the Flames this year, we will happily credit Darryl Sutter with it.

And look, this isn't fancy analysis or nothing, this is from the gut and from the heart: Jay Feaster is from Tampa Bay. Are you kidding us with that? Darryl Sutter was usurped by this guy? And notice now that the players caught lightning, Feaster is suddenly running the team for the short term, just the type of thing Darryl Sutter got fired for.

What makes it worse is that both Lanny McDonald and Bob Gainey were in the city over the weekend. Instead of the gay (not that there is anything wrong with that) Tokyo Police Club and the german club rock wannabees Metric we could have seen Murray Edwards roll up to the stage and fire Feaster and King during the first intermission and introduce the replacements, Bob (as GM) and Lanny (as President), for the second.

Why were we singing the American anthem at the Heritage Classic?

What the hell is Sportsnet doing interviewing Hagman during the game last night? This guy was just sent a message by the organization that he isn't good enough, and the media in this city run out to give him a hug. Why?

Look, we know it's cool to be hanging around with pro athletes and all, and we are sure their jocks smell wonderful, but please. You are in the media, you are suppose to be the fans intermediary with their team. You think there are real fans out there who think Haggy is fine and deserves a big hug for sleep walking through a season? Either the guy is a horribly overpaid third liner or he is a no heart scoring winger who can't score anymore. It's one or the other, and whichever it is it isn't good.

Badsuck (who is quickly going to lose that nickname),whether he has grown more talented or whether it is the coach putting him in good situations to succeed, is who we want to see. We want to see players who are contributing. Yet Roger Millions and Sportsnet runs out and grabs Hagman. Why? So he feels like he is still part of the team?

That's not your place, and it's not your role. If anything, if they were going to put Hagman on they should have asked him if he felt any shame cashing in his game-cheques.

They can lose to the Bruins, but they have to beat San Jose. For legitimacy purposes, at the very minimum.
It's tough to believe in them when they haven't really beaten a great team in a while. San Jose is one of the better teams in the conference. Beat them, and we are fully on-board, illusion or not.

Loved the captain saying that the team was going to keep on keeping on while it 'played itself in'. While it might not be Broadway Joe, that's a guarantee of a playoff birth. That's what we like to see.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Target Rich Environment Part One

The Sun was especially crammed full of stupid today. Which happens to be great for us. We wanted to talk about some other, deeper, more meaningful things than the musings of Diane Francis's baby little boy and whatever bone Macfarlane was chewing over (fat joke?), but hey, why look a gift horse in the mouth?

Let's start with Diane's pride and joy's latest column.

Ten years from now, it’s unlikely those who attended Sunday’s Heritage Classic will remember the score.

Oh man, this is starting out like it is going to suck.

They probably won’t remember Rene Bourque as the game’s star, Miikka Kiprusoff pitching the shutout or the fact the teams were separated by more than a field goal.

People won’t remember Miikka got a shut out at a once in a life time event? Yeah, we called it; this is definitely going to suck.

Given how important the two points were, it’s possible many will remember the win.

However, details of the game itself will undoubtedly fade faster than the Montreal Canadiens have of late.

What will endure will vary as much from fan to fan as the ice conditions did from day to day.

But by most accounts, it was a perfect day.

Ok, that wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible. Nice cheap zing in their about the Canadiens. Let’s see where he takes this thing.

For some, the goosebumps appeared as they entered McMahon Stadium and saw the league spared no expense as it transformed a non-descript football facility into a winter wonderland.

Oh wow, right back into stupid-ville. Diane Francis’s little darlings’ idea of a winter wonderland is a multitude of white tents set up in a parking lot? How shitty was his childhood? And spared no expense? The thing was half staffed with volunteers; they sprung for no talent to entertain the fans. Believe us, expenses were spared.

For others, the pageantry of the player introductions will burn as bright as the flames spewing from standards placed alongside the runway toward the ice.

‘The pageantry of the player introductions’? He knows he is writing in a sports section, right? He knows this isn’t going in ‘Bedazzled Curtains Weekly’, right?

Then there were the mounted police, the servicemen and servicewomen, flag-bearers and fans who all stood in unison to hear local icon Paul Brandt belt out the national anthem.

Imagine that, people standing for the national anthem. And some were even servicemen! Insanity!

When it seemed the snapshot couldn’t get any more Canadian, the Snowbirds punctuated the scene with a dramatic flyby.

The ‘Fly-Over’, of course, is as Canadian as baseball and apple pie.

Not only did organizers light two cauldrons at the south end of the stadium, the Calgary Tower followed suit with a fiery salute to the celebration of hockey taking part in the city’s northwest.

Oh, we get it! The guy who wrote this is eight. Now it makes sense.

Forgoing the technology of a Zamboni so the lads could flood the ice with a hose each intermission had to have resonated with many, including the hundreds of hearty souls around town who do similar work in the tiny outdoor rinks peppering Calgary communities. (Bless them all for giving kids the start some use to chase dreams.)

That ones true, actually. RTPIC to 'Rink-Guy'.

No one will forget the throwback jerseys and striped socks worn by the Flames as a tribute to the Calgary Tigers of the 1920s. That can’t be debated.

Neither can the fact that they were ugly as hell. John Daly thinks those pants were offensive.

For me, the Timbits players zipping around on the tiny auxiliary rink surrounded by hay bales were the highlight, as was the standing ovation for the snowbirds late in the evening.

A ‘Snowbird’. Capitalize that shit. And the pilots got the standing O’. Because the way you have it written…oh never mind. (We aignt touching the obvious pedophile joke with a 10 foot pole.)

Seeing Kiprusoff bolt for the heated bench every TV timeout was as unique as seeing hockey players wearing eye black, balaclavas or earmuffs.

Yeah, we don’t know why this bit of inanity is in here, either.

The ice crew patching the odd spot or shovelling the rink three times a period took us all back to a simpler day when the only thing better than an afternoon on the rink was having your feet warmed by your parents afterwards.

Your parents warmed your feet after games? Like, with their hands, or something? Honestly, what the hell does that even mean? We are creeped out.

It was loud, it was lively. The home team came through, as did the fans.

As 41,022 can personally attest, what started in Edmonton seven years earlier beautifully translated into yet another unique celebration of the game this city embraced ... and deserved.

That said, doing it again here anytime soon likely wouldn’t wash. This was a one-off. But that doesn’t mean the league shouldn’t proceed with its tentative plan to ultimately stage a game like this in every city it plays.

Like Winnipeg, uh, err… Phoenix.

Make no mistake, while those who took part in the exercise can speak to the event’s grandeur and spectacle, it certainly didn’t grip the city like a Cup run.

Was anyone saying that it did, or would? This is stupid.

But for those who bundled up and took part in the historic afternoon, it’s something they’ll never forget. Temperatures between -8C and -20C made sure of that.

He started the article saying something stupid like ‘Nobody will remember this day because it was so memorable’, and by the end of the article, he has gone back on his original thesis. Excellent writing, sir.

“We took a good look around and the fans stayed right to the end,” said Flames defenceman Steve Staios.

“Hockey means so much, and when you reflect on it, you feel so privileged to play in this league and be part of something like this.”

You got that right, Steve. You sure are lucky to be playing in the NHL.

Team president Ken King added, “A romantic, storybook ending to a perfect day.”

And that’s a perfect time to end the article…

A perfect showcase for our city, our province, our country and our national pastime.

Or add some more perfects.

The world’s greatest game played naturally in the world’s greatest country.

Jingoism! Yeah!

Oh, and for the record, the home team won 4-0.

Yeah, we know, we were there. Outside, with the people. Were you, Diane Francis’s little rug rat?

Is this over yet?

In case anyone plans on remembering the score.


Macfarlane later today, or tomorrow, depending on our fancy.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Check Back Later

We don't have family day off, and we are hung over, which means Mondays post will be delayed.

What the hell are you doing on here, anyways? Don't you have a family you are supposed to be hanging out with?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.