Friday, February 11, 2011

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Yet another glorious Flames 'W'.

Uhh, what? Huh? Damn, you're right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

This week had a lot of noteworthy and news making events, so let's dive right in with our nominees.

Our first nominee of the week is *yawn* Egypt, and the news President Mubarak *yawn* will be *yawn* stepping down *yawn* and handing *yaaaaaawn* power over *yawn* to the *yawn* military *yawn*.

Sorry, barely made it through that. Anyways, yeah, it's like this. Hand over power to the military? The military has been in power in that country for a loooooong time. You can tell because we used so many 'O's to spell 'long'. But seriously, Mubarak was once the boss of what was at one time one of the worlds premiere police states. What's news isn't that Mubarak is stepping down, but whether or not the people buy Mubaraks intelligence chief, or whomever the army chooses to replace Mubarak with, as acceptable. Whether they continue to accept military rule or not. Some people are portraying this as a military coup or some shit. What? The regime is simply doing a cheap magicians trick, passing the ball from the left hand to the right. Yawn.

Now, if the crazies in the Muslim Brotherhood want to push right now, things might get decidedly less yawn inducing. Actually, quickly, we will tell you why that points to some sadness. We highly doubt the Muslim Brotherhood is dedicated to peace, and therefore stability, in the region. So they can't be allowed the power. Mubarak and his cronies are a bunch of thieves bleeding their nation. Their saving grace is they want peace in the region, but at the same time they have run the country so badly it has produced just a mass, like millions of people, who are unemployed, have shitty lives, little hope, bad situations. Which is why they are currently out in the palace's backyard rioting. So the military regime has shown it can't run the country either. The answer is, of course, for classical liberalism, (free markets, free speech, free determination, free and frequent elections, minority rights, human rights, etc (just for you WI)) to be adopted. Because if you have those things, you produce less crazy people over time. But when the military regime tried to liberalize and end the price controls they had on food, the people went nuts. Because the people there have been bought off with the military regimes socialistic policies for so long, they now feel entitled and will not give them up. So Egypt is probably going to need a dictator to come in who can weather the storm if he tries to move the country forward, and dictators don't do that type of thing as a matter of course. See Mubarak.

Anyways...

Our second nominee is whoever over at the FAN960 who came up with Warrener Wednesdays. Good idea, good segment, but don't have him tell a million stories on his first day. Leave the guy some bullets. We also want to know what cool shit he was wearing. Can you believe someone told him to tone down the flavour when he goes on Sportsnet TV? Whoever did that should be fired. In fact, you could fire the tool who told Rhett no more awesome blue suits, and give his money to the guy who came up with Warrener Wednesdays.

And some auxiliary dap to the Calgarypuck people who dropped the transcript, which you can find by clicking the link (oh DB you so helpful). There is some juicy-ish stuff there. Like Mike Keenan being the meanest guy eva! Rhett's just jealous of the mans ability to chew ice.

Third nominee is tits, literally. These people we have never, ever, ever heard of, we swear, the Reality Kings, filmed a porno in a public park. In the middle of the day. Doesn't get better than that, right? Not really, but it gets just as good. Not the porno or anything, but if you click through, the story talks about what else goes on at this island. Like swinger house-boat parties. This all went down in Florida, but you probably knew that instinctively.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: TNA Women's Division Wrestling.



First, and you Domebeer-aholics know this, we are professional wrestling fans. Our fathers loved us and spent time with us, so that's what that is about. Anyways, you uninitiated might not know, but there are a few wrestling promotions on the TV. WWE, TNA, and ROH. WWE's toilet paper budget is bigger than the entire budgets of TNA and ROH combined. So the other two wrestling promotions have to do other things to attract attention. ROH is for the wrestling nerd, so let's drop it from this discussion. What TNA does to attract attention is to position itself in the market as being the more 'adult' brand. They show blood, chair shots, all the stuff from the late 90's that WWF was doing. What they also do is women's wrestling. And women's wrestling is fucking awesome.

Now WWE does women's wrestling too. They use their women's wrestling as a comedic relief gimmick. The matches are usually less than two minutes in length, and maybe feature ten moves. In TNA, the women wrestlers are better, more compelling wrestlers than the men are. And we aren't just saying that because they have tits. Like the TNA women's wrestlers techniques aren't terrible. The TNA women do back flips off the top rope into the middle of the ring, throw each other into stairs and barriers, wear skimpy outfits, and uh, wear skimpy outfits. It's great.

In fact, we were watching it last nights, and this is all true: These two girls ride up to the ring on a motorcycle, and they are wearing slutty biker chick outfits, which was wonderful. They then proceed to get into the ring, and when they go over the ropes they start gyrating their hips and doing that thang, which, again, was wonderful. They then got into the ring, and gave each other a little peck on the lips. Wonderfulness all around.

Shit didn't end there though. They (the producers of the show, we guess) proceeded to have like six more chicks show up to the ring to have this monster tag team match. So besides the two biker chicks who kissed each other who are already in the ring,  three more pairs of women come out (and one group rocked three chicks, and one of those chicks yelled really loud as her power, it was crazy) and they all whore it up down the runway. Which, you know, we don't discourage in anyway, shape or form.

So it's starts out on the right foot, is what we are getting at. Hell, we could have stopped watching at the introductions. Velvet Sky, Winter, SoCal Val, Sarita, Madison Rayne, Angelina Love. What is with these names? Awesomeness, that is what is up with these names.

Introductions are done and the chicks start to wrestle, and the chicks can actually wrestle. They flip around, run off the ropes, act their skimpily clad asses off. Like we said before, they are better at planning matches, playing to the crowd, being wrestlers, than almost all of the men on TNA's roster are. Plus, then you factor in the fact they got tits and asses, and it's a no-brainer. We don't know why anyone would watch TNA when there wasn't women's wrestling on. If we was them (so ghetto), we would go exclusively chick fighting. It's their competitive advantage, you ask us.

Want some gratuitous shots of women getting objectified? Well ok.



For being so tits, the TNA Womens Division wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Peter Loubardias Does Not Suck

Loubardias*

There has been a lot of noise and thunder about Sportsnet's Calgary Flames play-by-play guy, Peter Loubardias. While his critics arguments are too well thought out, well reasoned, and nuanced to summarize with any justice, if we were to be rough with them we could boil them down to three words: Peter Loubardias sucks.

Ladies and gentlemen of this peculiarly constituted jury, we submit to the floor that Peter Loubardias does not suck.

When you think of play-by-play, what do you think of? Sound, right? Ultimately that's what it is about, a sound, a rhythm, a flow. Well, it cannot be argued that Peter Loubardias does not have an unique and distinct sounding voice. You know Peter Loubardias when you hear him. Distinct and unique voices have been the trademark of many a hall of fame broadcaster. Peter Loubardias has a lot of work ahead of him if he wants to be a hall of fame broadcaster, but at least he has a voice with which to speak on the radio with. That's more than you can say for this guy.

What's more, Peter is able to talk, and talk, and talk some more, all with that voice of his. Who needs to be immersed in the natural sounds of a hockey game when you could be listening to Peter Loubardias talk? Right? It isn't easy to be able to talk as much as Peter does during a game for roughly 70 some games a year. It takes some kinda talent to do that.

If there is ever some sort of new shiny global war, you would want Peter around in your foxhole. If you ever got shot and were fighting for life, slipping in and out of consciousness, you would be able to gauge whether you were alive or dead by whether or not you could hear Peter talking. Believe us, in crunch time, those little things are big.

Charlie Simmer and Peter Loubardias also work with each other. They have a...rapport?

Anyways, Peter Loubardias does not suck. It's clear from those above examples he doesn't. There are more reasons than that, however, as to why Peter Loubardias does not suck.

Peter Loubardias works in the hockey industry, and boy howdy, does he know hockey. Especially junior hockey. He is some sort of junior hockey specialist. His hockey PhD is much more prestigious than Rob Kerrs is. No doubt about that at all. Peters knowledge of hockey is probably deeper than Charlie Simmers is, and Simmer has played in the league! When it comes to hockey in general, and Junior hockey especially, it would be hard to find someone more in touch, you know, without going all Graham James, with the kids who play Junior hockey than Peter is.

Actually, that's also a feather in his cap as well, or at least it should be. Peter Loubardias might be Junior hockey obsessed, but he hasn't touched a kids penis. From what you hear about Junior hockey in general, that's some kind of accomplishment. Kudos to you, Peter.

Loubardias is around Junior hockey so much it's almost as if he should be working Junior hockey games as a job. In fact, he does. Big, nationally televised Junior tournaments. Where everyone gets to hear his unique and distinct voice. Hurray for everyone!

There is more to not sucking than just what goes on in front of the curtain. Behind the scenes work is just as important, if not more so, to being successful in the media. Peter Loubardias displays several traits and attributes that allow him to excel at that side of the business.

For instance, Peter Loubardias is friends with the coach of the Calgary Flames hockey club. The relationship stems from their days with and covering the Rebels. This relationship allows for the message the hockey club wants to present to be streamlined directly to you, the fans, with minimal 'filters' (as they say) getting in the way. Peter Loubardias is, you could say, a creator of efficiencies. People who can create efficiences like that make banana's money on Wall Street, yo. Think of what Peter is giving up to do this job. Man is a saint.

Beyond being popular with the team he covers, Peter Loubardias is also popular within the organization he serves. Because many of the Rogers Sportsnet team that covers the Flames came up through the slime that is the grind of Junior hockey themselves, they respect and appreciate Peter Loubardias. You might think such professional inbreeding would lead to the creation of an environment where the truth, perhaps about things like, oh we don't know, how good the play-by-play sounds, would be suppressed in the name of harmony. You would be wrong. Everyone at Sportsnet can see what we see when they look at Peter Loubardias...a world class broadcaster, or at the very least, a broadcaster who does not suck.

And honestly, professional obligations aside, how couldn't you not like Peter, if you worked at Sportsnet? Peter is always available to work either the TV side or the radio side. Flexible working hours are nothing to sneeze at in this day of over-committed nuclear families. Besides, the corporate masters at Sportsnet know when they put Peter on, he isn't going to embarrass them. You are going to get wholesome, family entertainment, with safe, politically correct, contemporary commentary, and they don't have to worry about Peter expressing any controversial opinions. He isn't the loose cannon his predecessor is.

And Peter looks like he has his health. We are assuming he pays his taxes. He claims he doesn't do drugs, which is more than some people can claim. He looks like a guy who gets road rage, doesn't he? We like those people. You know he sings better than anyone in the Black Eyed Peas. All good reasons to conclude that Peter Loubardias, despite what can only be described as brilliant and genius arguments to the contrary by his critics, does in fact not suck.
...
* You all know, we're sure, but some background just in case:

- We bet Andrew Walker of the FAN960 on the outcome of the Super Bowl

- Andrew Walker owns an Aaron Rodgers jersey. That's a girls jersey, Mr. Walker

- Mendenhall**

- We lost the bet

- We now owe the world one pro-Loubardias article

- Where are the periods on the end of these sentences?

** Legursky, you let a guy get by you, so the reason Mendenhall gets hit hard enough to fumble the ball is because of you. We notice that shit.

The opinions expressed here-in are in no way consistent with the thoughts, ideas, and expressions of the author or authors of this website. Peter Loubardias does in fact suck. Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Coach Sutter - Reanimator

You Lovecraft readers get it. You Lovecraft readers are also probably questioning why we would go with a reference to probably his poorest work. Because space born crustaceans freak us out, that's why.

Anyways, Herbert West is the reference, and Mr. West was a zombie maker. One of the first in America, actually (wink). Zombie making is hard, and Mr. West has to go through a learning process before he figures out the 'Zombification Process'.

Our own Herbert West? Very similar, dontcha think? He came into this organization, and he didn't really know what buttons to push on this team. It resulted in a nine game losing streak last year. It was terrible. You remember it, don't you? The Flames would lose and it was because they weren't playing the system, and then they would win and it was because the coach was a genius.

See? Herbert West spent his time bringing people back from the dead, but he would always fail at it. The zombies would shriek terrible sounds from vocal chords they didn't have and they would...well, can a zombie die? Whatever zombie death is, that's what the newly reanimated zombies would do.

Both Herbert and Brent were getting hurt because of their pride. Herbert thought his zombification process was sound, and Brent thought his junior coaching tactics were sound. They were wrong, and reality was more than happy to show them, but they persevered in their wrongness nonetheless.

That is, until their pride was outweighed by their fear of failure. Herbert felt he was a genius, and a zombification process that left nothing but dead zombies was no avenue for a genius. Brents story is very much the same. He felt he was a good coach, but good coaches make the playoffs. Ask Dave Tippet.

Both men were forced to look in the mirror. First, that takes some guts. People don't like looking at themselves in the mirror. They don't. Changing assumptions about yourself and how you view the world is hard. Especially if you think your shit sings.

In Herberts case, it resulted in a change in the zombification process. He had to revisit his genius and come up with a new way of doing things. The result was a hoard of angry, homicidal zombies who wanted nothing more than to tear Herbert limb from limb. But what mattered to Herbert was that they were alive. Sweet vindication.

Brent had to learn that when your main success as a coach comes in a Junior tournament, you probably shouldn't be calling out players with 1000 games played in the NHL in the media.

And that's what it is, isn't it? We would lose a game, Brent would pick an individual to call out in public, and the team would seethe. Have you ever had to talk to someone whom you have just disrespected? They aignt real receptive to whatever message you are peddling. Eye roll city was set up in the Flames locker room. The team would seethe because this moloch who had no success in Calgary was calling them out like he knew what he was talking about. And if he knew what he was talking about, they would be winning.

It was a poisonous situation. Lets forget about talent for a second. This team shouldn't be getting shut out at home by Florida. That was a team at war with itself. It's easy to quit on a coach who you don't like or believe in.

Brents Sutters zombie was dying on the table. To Brents credit, he changed his zombification process. Instead of fighting his players, he started fighting for them.

And you know what? The cuddling was just what the Calgary Flames country club needed, in retrospect.

Oh, and Kipper decided to stop letting softies in. That helped too...
No? Nothing? We don't care, we are sticking with this tortured metaphor. The Flames were dead. We know, we buried them. Yet here they are, right in the thick of the playoff race. Forget they are spending $65 million dollars to compete for eighth. These no heart bums are in position to compete for eighth! And call us stupid, but Brents change in tone has a little something to do with that (plus we got his brother fired).

What do you call someone coming back from the dead? You call them zombies (or Jesus, depending on your particular persuasion). Well, that would make the Flames a bunch of cemetery dirt spitting zombies.

You know how you kill a zombie, don't you? You have to shoot them in the head. Only person round here we see with a gun is Feaster, and we don't think he has the guts to pull the trigger.

Which means the spare parts are staying. Which means we are not going to be trading to restock the draft picks (we currently don't have a second or third rounder). Which means that even though we believe the franchise would best be served by holding a fire sale, it aignt happening.

Which means now would be a good fucking time to get back on the proverbial band wagon and start rooting for the team to win. It's easy to cheer against a zombie. Put your fucking jersey on and lets cheer for one.

Whether or not selling out more of the future for two playoff gates is in the best interest of the team or not is a moot point. Those of us who have that opinion aren't running the team. Like we said, the only one with a gun is Feaster, and he doesn't have the courage to say no to a cream puff. He aignt sabotaging the season for some draft picks.

Go Zombie-Flames go, as they say.
...

Fucking Rashard Mendenhall. Because that asshole shrinked in the spotlight, we lost a bet to local radio personality Andrew Walker. Andrew Walker is an asshole who gets off on making people do things they hate doing. Because we lost a bet, we have to write a piece on the greatness of Dome Beers favourite Peter Loubardias.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU MENDENHALL.

We are not going to welsh, although we should. We aren't even going to write about how Loubardias is great, great at sucking that is. We made a bet, we pay our bets. So if you don't want to read about how awesomely awesome Loubardias is, skip Wednesdays post.
...

Why hasn't Steve Staios been waived?

Why hasn't Ivanans been waived?

Honestly, don't get it.

You don't think Staios has been giving Brent Sutter tips on leadership, do you?
...

The game tonight versus 20 cent and his Blackhawks is also being shown on WGN, if you have it. So watch it on that channel, because Sportsnet...sucks.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.