Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Thoughts On Conroy

Darryl Sutter and Jay Feaster were looking over the roster of the Calgary Flames and came to one singular conclusion: The Flames are much too young.

They leapt into action immediately to rectify the problem. Taking a quick look at the remaining available free agents, their eyes fell immediately on the old Flame warhorse Craig Conroy. A quick call to his agent and the deal was done. The Flames signed Craig Conroy, and pushed the average age of the roster into the 30's.

But we have some questions and comments about this contract. Obviously, we are concerned about Conroy's age. Not as concerned as we would be with the proposition of actually having to play Ryan Stone or Brett Sutter in NHL games, but concerned nonetheless.

Secondly, we are concerned with the monetary value and term of the contract. One year, two-way deal, with no NTC or NMC, at the league minimum. Clearly Darryl did not negotiate this contract. We bet he didn't even approve this contract. Can you imagine putting a contract like this before Darryl as he slumps at his desk? He would spit on you! Darryl Sutter doesn't do one year contracts, he doesn't do two way deals, and he most certainly doesn't sign his name on a pact unless it has some sort of trade protection for the player involved. And look at the contracts value. Does Darryl Sutter sign half a million dollar players to half a million dollar contracts? Fuck no, he signs them to million dollar pacts.

Someone has done something with Sutter. Let's all hope to god that Feaster hasn't eaten him.

And wait just one moment. A two way deal for Craig Conroy? Captain Craig Conroy? People, the guy isn't broke. He isn't playing the game of hockey at the age of 38 with that wife of his at home for the league minimum because he needs to raise funds to save his Grandma's house from foreclosure. He is playing because he loves the game, as hackney as that comes off. You are telling me the Flames are making this guy, who is doing them a favour by playing for them at this salary, sign a two way deal?

Why? For optics? So it doesn't look like you are handing him a spot on the team, that there is competition for roster places? Because that is complete bullshit, and we all know it. Ryan Stone and Brett Sutter don't win faceoffs. They don't have the experience, and dare we say it, the veteran-ness to really thrive in the roll of defensive forward. And not to belabour the point, but they don't win faceoffs. Did we mention that Conroy can win a faceoff?

And sticking with the optics, what the hell are the optics going to be when, because the Flames have the luxury of sending him down because of the two way contract, and because the team never chooses a player of consequence to send a message with, the team isn't playing well because of a lack of talent, and the Flames send Craig down for some energy player? The media will shriek and holler when they lose their best friend. It'll be another gaffe for a team that is getting quite good at making them.

It should have been an one way deal. It's disrespectful that it isn't, if only because we all know he is a lock to make the team. If it was really an open competition for that roster spot, it would be one thing to award him a two way contract.

As to whether this makes the team better or worse, we think it makes it better. If you believe the cat, Craig said he was hurt last year and that's why his numbers were down. If he is back healthy, his numbers should improve. Of course, we aren't sure what exactly was injured on Conroy, besides him coming down with a case of 'the oldness' at the start of the season.

And finally, when looking over the available old free agents, how did Sutter finally make the heart wrenching choice (for him) between signing Craig Conroy or Owen Nolan? He possess solomonic wisdom.
...

COMPLETELY FAKE REACTIONS TO THE CONROY SIGNING




"Well, umm, gee golly guys. I was so shy around Mrs. Conroy last year that I didn't even get a chance to say hello to her. So, ummm, now that Dion isn't here, I think I'm going to say hello to her this year. My mom told be I should give her some flowers." - Jay Bouwmeester.



God, is that tool boring or what, Domebeer aholics?

 
"Jessica is coming back? Nice. I'd hit that pussy. That pussy is definitely on the hit-that-pussy list, Y'kno'wut'imsayin?" - Charlie Simmer's Hair


Excuse us as we take in that awesome hair.




"Mumble, mumble mumble mumble." - Darryl Sutter.




Eloquent as always, Darryl. We will end with Harvey.


"I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung. Wanna pull up tough cuz you notice that butt was stuffed. Deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh, baby I wanna get with ya , and take your picture. My homeboys tried to warn me but that butt you got make me so horny." - Harvey The Hound



Ha! Down boy!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dome Beers Investigation: The Sedins

Salutations.

Domebeer-aholics, as we all know, our courageous and valiant hockey team, despite brilliant leadership and an excellent, world class officer corp, did not complete the campaign they set out on. Lord Stanley's Cup was not returned to Calgary.

Some say the cause of this humiliating defeat rests with the resolve of the troops. Weakened moral led to a dissension in the ranks, which led to loss after tragic loss. Others say it's because they scored 12 goals last year as a team. The answer lies somewhere in the middle...the somewhere that's much, much closer to the 'score-more-than-12-goals' side of the middle.

Scoring, like scoring on the power play just for one God damned time...yeah, it's important. But we submit to you, dear Reader, that the problem was only partially to blame on the home team. If winning Stanley Cups is the game, winning your division is a good place to start. The Flames did not win the division this year. The Canucks did.

Aww, the Canucks. Division Champions. How did they do it?

Well...instead of us just coming right out and telling you, why don't we show you.

The Canucks are powered by the twins Sedin. Danny and Hank each had excellent years this year. At age 29, these two cats put up the best numbers of their life. Is it simply the case that these two first round draft picks are in the prime of their careers? Or is something a little more sinister at work?

You remember Barry Bonds, right? The slick, slim CF of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Well, at least he was. Here, take a look at young Barry.


Love that jersey. And now, Evil Barry


Notice anything? We didn't either, at least not initially.

What exactly are you getting at, Dome Beers? Well, just take a look at this.


Hate those jersey's. Look at the young twins in comparison to the old twins.


AWW! Christ, that scared the piss out of us. Look at those freakishly gigantic heads. Where the hell did they get their hockey helmets? Why don't they just strap the jumbotron onto Henrik's head? How many ads do you think they could sell on Dan's forehead? 20, 30 thousand?

And you know why nobody noticed? Because we all watch too much hockey. The heads just grew slowly over time, so nobody caught it. But the real question here is why, or how, did their heads grow to this horrific proportion?

Doping. Steroids. HGH. The Clear. The Cream.

If one is to commit to a serious doping regiment, one's body will start to produce blood, muscle, flesh, and bone at alarming rates. Your skull will thicken. Your hands and feet will grow larger. Look at those pictures, people. You tell me what else is going to change some fresh faced Europeans into those hulking, behemothic monstrosities.

It's obvious then, why the Flames were not able to win the division this year. They were competing against a team built around roid freaks.

Listen, you can believe what you want. There are many theories as to why the Flames did not win the Stanley Cup. Personality clash? Maybe a little. Complacency and lack of hunger? We guess. More pragmatically, you can believe that the Flames lost because the roster lacks talent, specifically scoring talent. We lean towards that one.

Or you can believe the Sedins are on steroids.