Friday, August 6, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means one thing: Bonita Applebum, tell me where your from.

What? Oh yeah, that's right. It's also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

Not a ton happened that we want to report, but we will trot out our list of nominees anyways. Let's start with, well, it's the RTPIC, let's start with politricks. A town in America, facing low tax revenues, is considering closing all of it's libraries. Let's stop, take a step back, and review the situation. This town is facing low tax revenues, probably because the people in the town don't make enough bank, so the government can't tax them at a high enough rate to make ends meet. The bureaucrats solution to this problem is to shut down the libraries. Libraries, you may know, contain books and knowledge. Reading books and gathering knowledge allows one to get a good job, and make enough bank for the government to tax them at a high enough rate so it can make ends meet, so, like, the city wouldn't have to shut down libraries. Sticking with the politricks and the dumb ideas it spawns, Wyclef Jean wants to be the President of Haiti. God, hasn't Haiti suffered enough? And speaking of suffering, the world has been kept waiting for damn near two years to see the only fight that matters, boxing or otherwise, Floyd Mayweather VS Manny Pacquiao. Good news, people. Don King wants to get involved. There is no way that this can end badly. Those are your nominees, folks.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Ric Flair!

Why don't you act like a real man and buy a Mercedes? So fucking awesome.

Ric Flair started wrestling in 1971. He quit wrestling...What's that? Ric Flair is 61 years old and he still wrestles? Because according to Bettman, it is an impossibility for an athlete to continue to play in the major leagues when they are older than, oh we don't know, let's go with 44 years of age.

Anyways, back to the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. The guy has been everywhere and done everything. A true legend of the game. In fact, Ric Flair is to wrestling as Elisha Cuthbert is to NHL locker-rooms.

The Nature Boy was a true innovator of the game. He brought a whole new persona and swagger to wrestling. When he first showed up on the wrestling scene, he was made a star early, without really ever having to earn it at the major league level. He talked in an abrasive way, and it didn't matter to him if you understood it or not. He also dressed in loud, flashy clothes, and didn't care if you could correctly identify it as ugly or not.

Ric Flair is known for more than talking, of course. He is famous for his in-ring ability. He has beaten the best in the game, be they westerners like Hulk Hogan or soviets like Nikita Koloff. Also, he has road rage, so if you pass him, you better be prepared to reverse a figure four leg lock.

Did you know Ric Flair was involved in a plane crash and broke his back in three places? That the doctor's told him he would never wrestle again? Takes some heart, grit, and leadership to do that. So unless you want a 61 year old man playing the wing with Iggy, we should all just try to keep Darryl Sutter unaware of this story.

For...being a fresh analogy for us to use, Ric Flair wins the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

This Again

You know what we missed the most when we were off in foreign lands?

Limited consumer choice? Inclement weather? The shitty Trans-Canada? 

Nope. No, what I missed was some hockey talk.

ESPN does not talk hockey at all. It get's very little coverage. Women's Golf gets more pub on the airwaves than hockey. And as much as I love lesbians, I'd rather be talking hockey over the LPGA.

So to get back into Canada, to leave the desert and enter the oasis, was a moment we looked forward too.

When we got onto natural soil, the local radio had the day off, and so another day of ESPN...hurray!

But you know what potential this morning held? Hockey talk...and hilariously immature hockey talk at that, because Mike Richards was to be the MC.

Fan960, what the fuck? Peter Loubardias?

How many times do we have to go through this little exercise? Peter Loubardias is the worst of all the Roger Sportsnet play by play guys. The worst. That means the Oiler guys and the Canuck guys are better. John Garrett tells a more coherent story.
Look, the complaints haven't changed, because he hasn't evolved as a broadcaster. He is vain. He talks weird. He is a jock-sniffer. He flirts with the sidekick. He is fucking boring.

We don't know how else to put, so let us illustrate it. When he interviews anyone, he ends up talking as much or more as his guest does. You radio and marketing types will understand how rookie a move that is. And because nobody puts a check to the raging torrent of mediocre when it hits the mic, Loubardias probably thinks he is doing a good job.


Honestly, he needs to be stopped. The Flames are going to be must watch TV for the first 20 games, as we all try to see what exactly this group will be. Do you really want to have Loubardias be the guy narrating the story?

Can you really take 'He shoots, he misses' one more time without throwing up?

Charlie Simmer gives you nothing. Nothing. Whatever notes, quotes, and anecdotes Simmer has, he keeps locked up tight in his hair. The play by play guy is essentially riding solo. He needs to either have enough swagger to run the show whether Simmer comes along or not, or he needs to have enough charisma to draw Simmer out. Loubardias is not the right type of person for this role.

At the end of the day, it isn't even personal. He is simply miscast. We don't watch junior hockey all that much. Go there. Any role where we don't have to listen to Loubardias is the type of role he needs to be in. But a big league hockey team?

No. If they are not going to fire Charlie Simmers Hair, then they need to fire Peter Loubardias. Of course, they could always fire them both and hire Jim Ross.

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Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.