Friday, July 9, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Time to put away the rape-van, and bring out the rape -chuckwagon.

What? Huh? That's right! I had forgotten. I had forgotten that it was time to hand out the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

So what happened this week? Well, the most recent, semi-big news is that Lebron James is a cowardly traitor who will join Dwayne Wade and RuPaul down in Miami. Cleveland, it's not your fault Delonte West fucked Lebrons mom. Gross. What else happened? CNN's Middle Eastern News Editor got fired today because she is down with the killers in Hezbollah. Most trusted name in news. eh? Not so much. Water was wet this week, and Lindsay Lohan did something skanky and got sent to jail. The story of the week, though, is the following. Some soccer player from Brazil had his mistress kidnapped, killed, and then fed her body to a bunch of dogs. And Christie Chorley thinks she has it tough.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Jose Neto!

You know, that Brazilian guy who was blinded by some career criminal our broken justice system had allowed back on the streets? Yeah, that guy.

He was recently back in the news because he is getting married. His reappearance got us thinking about what this guy could do to cash in on his goodwill.

Here's a free idea for Global (because channel 3 is communist): Give Neto a late night talk show. Hire him some local band, have him rip off Johnny, and go down to some local synagogue to find him some joke writers. It's easy. Then you bring on a few local guests, and viola, cheap ratings gold.

His first guest could even be the guy who shot him, as he is no doubt back on the streets by now. Imagine the sizzle.

But if a life in the limelight doesn't suit him, he could always go and become a soccer ref. ZING!

It's 30 degrees outside?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

An Open Letter To Mike Richards

Dear Mike Richards,

We here at (follow us on twitter, fool) really like and appreciate your show. We think you are a very funny guy, which can be hard to do waking up at 4 in the morning, every weekday.

That isn't to say your show is without its flaws. Firing Doug Kirkwood has hurt the show, there is no doubt. When you use the salary you were paying one guy to hire two people, the quality will suffer. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys. And there is no doubt that Andrew 'never kissed a girl' Walker and Squeaky Brad, while they might cost collectively the same as Doug Kirkwood did, aren't as funny, as entertaining, as captivating, or as talented as Doug is (although to be fair to Brad, we can tell he is working on his voice, which implies he is at least trying to step his game up). But you run a business. We can understand and live with that decision.

But your most recent move, to go on vacation, is one we cannot get behind at all. Oh, sure, you are allowed a vacation. You earned it. Power to you, funny man. But what you cannot do, under any circumstances whatsoever, is have Peter Loubardias come into replace you while you drink your face off, flirting with the skirts on some tropical white sand beach somewhere.

Fuck you Mike Richards. Loubardias has made this cities ears bleed for the last week or more. And it's your fault, asshole. You are the guy that let that walking pile of boring clichĂ©’s into your studio. And you left him with Walker, the most uninteresting man in the world, a man who would rather talk about his Double A Baseball fantasy team's 3rd pitcher then boozing or girls, the staples of your show (yeah, we get it Walker, you hung out in junior dressing rooms while the rest of us were punching kitty. Veeeery impressive). How could you do this to a city you profess to love?

Mike, seriously, Loubardias is terrible. His overly inflectious, annoyingly pedestrian voice has no place on morning radio. Are you trying to get 1060AM's morning show higher ratings? Because that is exactly what you are doing, buddy. And after a few days of listening to Jimmy, the audience isn't going to come back, Mike. You're ruining your long term viability by putting those tools on the radio in your place.

Let us get to some specifics, Mike. Let us illustrate to you exactly how awful your morning show replacement crew is. Let's start with Loubardias, because Walker is a non entity, anyways (did we mention you should bring back Kirkwood?).

Mike, Loubardias cannot complete a sentence unless the word 'I', 'Me', or 'My' is in it. He is probably the most uncharismatic attention seeker we have ever had the misfortune to witness. He brings on guests just so he can tell the guests about his experiences. Yeah, like the audience gives a flying monkey shit about Loubardias. We want to hear what your guest has to say, you selfish prick. Mike, let me give you an example of Loubardias and his act:

Loubardias: Hi, I am Peter Loubardias, and today we have on with ME 'guest x' from 'hockey team y'. I love hockey, I think everybody knows how much I love hockey, and how fortunate I am to be talking about hockey, a game that I love. I am so privileged to be talking hockey. Do you know I call the Flames games? I am just so fortunate to be able to do that for MY hobby. MY hobby is so cool. MY hobby is calling hockey games, which I love doing. I just love it.

Guest X: Thanks Peter, I...

Loubardias: I love hockey so much, I have so many questions for you, which I thought up, on MY own. I love thinking questions to ask MY guests. I think it's outstanding that I can be doing this for a living. I know that I am so fortunate to be doing this for a living. I am so lucky to be here today. Waking up in the mornings is hard for ME, but I do it, because I love MY job.

Guest X: Uhh...

Loubardias: Well that's all the time I have to talk today. What a wonderful guest I booked. I love this hobby of MINE. I love hockey. I love sport. SKEEEEORES!

Mike, that's not us making that up, that's a fucking transcript from the show. This uninteresting, bromidic, annoyance actually thinks the listening audience at home wants to be regaled with stories about himself for 4 hours in the morning. Mike, the guy is fucking Darryl Sutter crazy. Loubardias had Charlie Simmer on and all he wanted to do was tell Charlie about his opinion. Hey, Crypt Keeper, we want to hear what the guest has to say, not whatever stupid, tame, non-opinion you have to offer. Mike, for reals, if people cared about what Loubardias thought, he would be doing the colour commentary, not the play by play.

And for fucks sake Mike, everything Loubardias hears about or talks about is just the most 'outstanding' thing he has ever heard. Or the most 'amazing', 'great', and/or 'fantastic'. Mike, honestly, the guy hears that water is wet, he replies 'That's amazing!'. He hears that humans need oxygen to breath, he goes 'What a great story!'. Hey Loubardias, we just farted. Somewhere, off in the distance, we hear a shrill, little voice going 'That's fantastic!'. Mike, the guy is a fucking newborn, going 'ooooo' whenever he see's something shiny. Please, make it fucking stop!

Mike, you know how it takes you 5 minutes to come up with and then spit out some incoherent sentence to ask your guest? Well, it takes Loubardias even longer! And he isn't funny, or insightful, or entertaining, so it's even worse than when you do it. Honestly, he wants to ask a guy about his skating, and he goes through the entire history of the skate before he can ask his stupid, pedestrian question. If it's a hockey player, it gets even worse, because the guy is like a 12 year old girl in the presence of the Beatles. Wipe the drool off your lap and just ask a question, idiot. Mike, it's awful.

And Mike, you're a veteran, so you will understand this. When you are on the radio, you are supposed to entertain. You are suppose to bring an opinion, and it helps if it isn't the consensus opinion. It's almost an unwritten rule that you and your co-host should disagree on air on whatever issue is presented before them, even if off air they don't. Yet Loubardias and Walker try their fucking best to reach consensus on everything they drone on about. It's stupid. Loubardias will change his opinion mid sentence if Walker disagree's with it. That is just on of many reasons he is a complete tool.

Kirkwood is available to fill in for you. You chose Loubardias. Why? Does he have pictures of you and a donkey?

Mike, do you remember your game show 'Gay Or Not Gay'? Well, we just spent a week listening to Andrew Walker and Peter Loubardias flirt with each other on the radio. Have we been 'gayed'? Can you absolve us?

To conclude: Loubardias is the worst thing to happen to this city since they let that homicidal maniac run the zoo. You put him on the air, which makes you culpable in the suck that was just unloaded on the radio. You owe the city a big fucking apology when you get back, Mike.

Yours truly, (which you can follow on twitter)

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Interview With Murray Edwards

In light of some of the confusing moves recently made by the administration of the Flames, we here at Domebeers have decided that it was time to interview Flames principle owner, Murray Edwards.

We turned to Mr. Edwards for answers because, well, can you turn to Darryl?

DB is, and ME is Murray Edwards. Enjoy.

DB: Today we have with us one of the richest men in the world. Valued at over 1.5 billion dollars, this man is a world class investor, and more importantly, philanthropist. The man who helped keep the Flames in Calgary, Mr. Murray Edwards.

ME: Je vous remercie pour l'introduction belle. Vous ĂȘtes trop bon. Comment faites-vous, mes amis?

DB: We are doing great Murray, but could you keep your answers in English? This interview is going to be seen by the plebs, and not our usual circle.

ME: Oh, sure. The Queens English it is then.

DB: So, Murray, how would you grade the season and how it played out?

ME: Oh, the philharmonic season this year was absolutely outstanding. They did German composers last year, and you know how I feel about all that noise Wagner produced. This year they got it right, and went with French composers. I always say, I'd take one Machaut over 1000 Bach's.

DB: No no, Murray. We meant the hockey season.

ME: Hockey season? Hokey? Ho-ckey?

DB: You know, that team that you own, the hockey team? The one where a bunch of guys try to score on another bunch, no homo? Played with sticks and...

ME: Oh, yes! With the elephants and the croquet posts! That is just wonderful to watch, isn't it? Well, let me tell you that we did just fabulously.

DB: Uhh, no. Close, but no. The one played on ice, with a puck?

ME: Oh, that one! Yes, yes I know what you are talking about. So how did we do this year? Darryl says we did great. Hey, when do those 'extra games' start? Those are pretty fun.

DB: Extra games? You mean playoff games?

ME: Yes, playoff games, yes, of course. Those are a jolly good time.

DB: Umm, we didn't make the playoffs this year.

ME: Oh? That is too bad. What with Darryl going on and on about what a great team I have, I just naturally assumed. Hey, I have a question for you, if you don't mind.

DB: No, not at all, go ahead.

ME: How did Dion do this year?

DB: Dion? Dion isn't on the team anymore.

ME: Oh? He got injured?

DB: Uhh, he got traded. Didn't Darryl tell you?

ME: Well, I'm sure he did. You know, he is very difficult to understand, what with his refusal to enunciate.

DB: Ha, no doubt. I think it is all the milskey. Murray, your team has made some controversial moves this year...

ME: Oh? Like what?

DB: Well, there was the Dion trade, then there was the Matt Stajan extension, the acquisition of Ales Kotalik for Olli Jokinen, the re-signing of Alex Tanguay and Olli Jokinen, and then taking Ian White to arbitration.

ME: Well, I don't see what is so controversial about those moves. Darryl told me they were all great. At least I think he did. Again, it's hard to decipher the mumbles.

DB: Well, if you would allow me to press. Let's start with the Matt Stajan extension. Why the hell did you give Matt Stajan an extension?

ME: Ha, calm down there guys. Who is Matt Stajan?

DB: Who is Matt Stajan? He is the guy you got back from the Dion Phaneuf trade with the Maple Leafs.

ME: Oh, him! Yes, I like him. I have actually seen him! We were at the same chalet in Sweden. I like skiing, and the skiing there is wonderful. Well, I don't see what there is to be upset about; he is really big, and he is a former captain of the Maple Leafs. He is also a centre, which Darryl assures me is very important.

DB: What? Uh, Murray, we think you are talking about Mats Sundin...who is retired.

ME: No, no, guys, you are definitely confused. I may not know much about the ice hockey, but I know you wouldn't trade Dion Phaneuf for Matt Stajan.

DB: You know Murray, from that statement, it looks like you may know more about the ice hockey, as you put it, than Darryl Sutter. Let's move on. A lot of the fans of this team were not happy with the acquisition of Ales Kotalik. If you could, please, shed some light on that particular move.

ME: Well, you know ownership, and by ownership, I mean me, and not those poor hangers on that I let hang out in my box, doesn't really get involved in the day to day of the club. I'm busy running a business, a very successful one. You could say that I am somewhat of a 'casual hockey fan'. But when Darryl told me I could acquire a player who was a mix of Bob Probert and Brett Hull, well, I had to get involved. I had to say yes to that acquisition.

DB: A mix of Bob Probert and Brett Hull? Ales Kotalik?

ME: Yes, that's how Darryl sold it to me. Darryl says he is our most physical forward, and he can score 30 goals, which, Darryl tells me, is very important in hookey.

DB: 'Hockey', it's pronounced 'hockey', Murray. I don't want to shock you, but Darryl just put Kotalik on waivers. He is trying to get rid of him.

ME: What? Oh no, that is horrible news. I guess I will have to go to the ballet with that Finnish chap now.

DB: Kiprusoff?

ME: No, I haven't seen that one yet. Is it any good?

DB: It's not a ballet, that's the starting goalies name. Did you mean Hagman then?

ME: Yes, Hagman, that is his name. Between you guys and me, that guy is a philistine. He doesn't know his 'La Bayadere' from his 'Le Corsaire'! Can you imagine?

DB: Oh man, crazy. Murray, we appreciate the time you have given us, we just have a few more questions if you could be so kind.

ME: Sure, go ahead. It's not like I have a billion dollar oil and gas empire to oversee.

DB: Your team recently re-acquired Olli Jokinen. At the press conference, Darryl said that you were on board with the move...

ME: Oily Jokenan? I'm sorry, I am not familiar with that name.

DB: Uhh, the guy Darryl traded Lombardi and a first round draft pick for? The guy Darryl would later trade to the Rangers for Ales Kotalik?

ME: I have a villa in Lombardy.

DB: The ugly guy with the goofy moustache?

ME: Oh, him! Yes, I'm very excited he is back on board. He is a premier player in this league.

DB: He is? Who told you that?

ME: Why, Darryl did, of course. Why do you guys look so stunned? Darryl wouldn't lie to me, right?

DB: Well, to be quite honest...

DB: Anyways, Murray, moving on. There has been quite a lot of calls, from the media and the fans in Calgary, for Darryl Sutter to be fired. We heard that the organization was reviewed following the season. Was there ever a chance for a change in administration?

ME: Oh yes, there was a chance. But I talked to some very good hockey people, and they assured me that Darryl was doing a great job, so I kept him on as the GM of the Fire.

DB: The Fire? You mean the Flames, don't you?

ME: Right, right, the Flames.

DB: Do you mind sharing with us who those respected hockey people were?

ME: Sure, there were lots of them. Brent Sutter gave his thumbs up, as did Brian and Rich...Sutter. Darryl also received ringing endorsements from Duane Sutter and Ron Sutter. When all those respected hockey voices tell me to do something, I listen.

DB: And you are a self made billionaire? Ok then. A couple more questions and then we will let you go.

ME: Sure.

DB: Flat tax, fair tax, or progressive tax?

ME: Flat. I am an accountant by trade, guys.

DB: Peter Loubardias: Worst play by play man in hockey, or in sport?

ME: Worst play by play guy in sport. Loubardias is terrible. He is worse than Rod Phillips. Do you know how bad you have to be to be worse than Rod Phillips?

DB: Believe us, Murray. We know. Hey, did you know you could follow us on twitter?

ME: Of course I do. I already follow Domebeers! I think everybody should, too.

Well, there it is, folks. We hope that this little interview helped shed some light on how this organization is run, and the mindset of ownership.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.