Friday, May 28, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: time to acquire new and exotic STD's!

Huh? Oh yeah, that's right! It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC!).

Domebeer-aholics, it is a mad, mad world. Thank whatever particular deity you got a crush on that we live in Canada. Well, most of the Domebeer-aholics do. Our committed readers in America, Asia, and Europe live in crazy town. Let's start with the fading superpower, shall we? The child President continues to play the blame game over the oil leak in the Gulf Coast. We like how this oil has been leaking for the last 131565 days and the President still hasn't got the light bulb to simply sink a Navy Destroyer over the fucking hole. We guess $2.89 million dollars will buy a company some leeway. Moving on, we see that North Korea is trying to remind the rest of the world that they are still there, and Jamaica’s government can't arrest a drug dealer without starting a civil know what, fuck the depressing examples of failed societies...failing. We got funny news to get to. Indonesia has banned sexy pants for women. The male adherents to the religion of peace apparently can't be trusted not to rape a woman if they see her in jeans. Indonesia, your central banks overnight lending rate is 11%, and you're worried about sexy ladies walking around in tight jeans? Ladies and gentlemen, there is no segue that will do the next story justice, so we will just get to it: Some kid in New Jersey (where else) took a shit in his classmates soda, and his classmate drank said soda. As people who enjoy pranks, all we have to say is 'bravo'. Can you even comprehend the logistics that such a prank would require? Somehow you have to get the soda from the person who is about to be pranked without that cat noticing, shit into the soda without anyone noticing, get the soda back to the prankee without the person noticing the smell and the chunks of floating shit. Absolutely Bond. As always, it was a tough choice.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Garey Coleman

Domebeer-aholics, the Domebeers curse strikes again.

We had a different RTPIC winner planned, but when we woke up this morning to the news that everyones favourite midget actor was in bad shape in a hospital, we had to flip the script and name Mr. Coleman this weeks winner. And then the universe got wind we were pulling for Mr. Coleman's survival.

The Domebeers curse is a powerful force. It should not be taken lightly, and for the life of us, we do not know what we did to deserve it. Anything we pull for dies: the Flames, the Dow, and now Mr. Coleman.

With that said, we would like to wish long life and continued success to the following:
  • Loungo's Groin
  • Kesler's Shoulder
  • Matt Duchene's Hands
  • Havlat's Hamstrings
  • Todd's Bertuzzi's
  • Edmonton
Mr. Coleman, Rest In Peace.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Quick Thoughts

People, this is fucking retarded.

Domebeers tradition: 1, 2, 3, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

We think Darryl should have been fired. Obviously.

Why? In one sentence, because the team has regressed under Sutter. You know who else probably thinks Sutter should be fired? Darryl Sutter. Know how we know? Ales Kotalik plays on this team.

The man clearly fucking panicked this year. In a bid to keep his job, he traded the Flames best player, Brandon Prust, for the worst player in the league not named Chris Drury. Oh yeah, he also got rid of a locker room diva, which we thank him for, only he replaced that 'My New Haircut' douchebag for all the losers on the Maple Leafs. You know, for depth, for the long playoff run the Flames went on.

We have said it once, and we will say it again: Darryl would have fired Darryl.

But fact is better than fiction. Nothing we could write about this organization would be funnier than the fact that they just decided not to fire a guy who doesn't understand addition.

Murray Edwards is sort of famous in the world of accounting and finance because when he was in school, he used to enter and win competitions that tried to judge the participants abilities to allocate resources.

Let us say that again: Murray Edwards, the guy who owns the Flames, is a genius when it comes to resource allocation. Murray Edwards just decided not to fire a GM who undeniable does not know how to allocate resources efficiently. Clearly, there is a disconnect. Murray Edwards clearly doesn't know shit about shit when it comes to the team that he owns. That inspires confidence.

Look, normally we wouldn't even mind hands off ownership. Throughout the history of this organization, we have had hands off ownership. But we do have a problem with hands off ownership when it hurts the team. And allowing some hick who should probably be ranching to run the team into the ground hurts the team.

Look, we don't hate Darryl Sutter. We think he was one of the best coaches that this team ever had. We just think that it is pretty clear he isn't the great GM that Ken King likes to pretend he is. Sure, he makes a lot of deals. Awesome. So does Glen Sather.

Getting screwed in deals with other teams is not our idea of a great GM. We know the media loves it, because it gives them something to talk about, but we would rather not trade cheap, NHL calibre players, like Lombardi, and first round draft picks for...Ales Kotalik. And his contract.

But we want to be honest. Our most furious anger (bible reference) is reserved for the organizations shill, Ken King. We like Ken King, we respect Ken King, we just don't like eating the bullshit that Ken King keeps shoveling down our throats.

Kenneth said some shit today that we find completely fucking ridiculous. He said that the organization valued continuity. Bullshit. Darryl Sutter, Jim Playfair, Mike Keenan, and Brent Sutter. That is what, since 2003, 4 coaches? 4 coaches in 6 years is stability? Fuck off, Mr King.

Ken King also said that he wanted to end the 'death watch' that was surrounding this organization. You know why there was a 'death watch'? Because any NHL executive with a brain was wondering when the Flames were going to fire Sutter!

Are we in bizarro world here people? What the fuck is going on? How can a GM who acted like a Lohan without a crack pipe keep his fucking job? This isn't a rec league team, the Flames play in the NHL, and are a multimillion dollar organization. It requires competent management. We have a guy in charge who wasn't even able to ice a full roster by the end of the season after last. He should have been fired then, for fucks sake.

Honestly, what the fuck is it going to take? Sutter had a plan. He executed that plan. He got Dion. He got Olli. He had a scoring winger in Cammo. He even managed to add a Rene Bourque to a forward core that included Jarome and Langkow. AND IT DIDN'T WORK.

So we let this guy have another shot? Why? Because he traded for Kipper half a decade ago?

The word is that Caesar Sutter asked for help at the beginning of the year. The year begins in January, which would mean, if it is true, that Darryl Sutter asked for more help and that the organization chose not to give it to him, as the Flames still don't have an assistant GM who knows hockey (the current assistant GM probably doesn't own a pair of skates). Does that one pass the smell test for anybody?

We are floored. GM Sutter is good enough to keep his job, we just feel the need to get him a babysitter. It makes no sense, no sense at all.

And now this organization is going to be stuck with a power struggle. Mazel tuv.

Domebeers tweets now. You can find us at 'Domebeers'. We have a really, really gay backround, and would like that to change. If anybody knows how to make Twitter backrounds, we are all ears.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sutter V Stelmach

Darryl Sutter and Ed Stelmach. You will not find any more controversial farmers in Alberta then these two cats. And that got us at Domebeers thinking: Just which dumb ass has been worse in their position?

Now, we know what you, dear Reader, are thinking. Just how could anyone fuck up more than one Ed Stelmach? And we know that it has nothing to do with politics. Communist greenie or robber baron capitalist, nobody in this province likes the muddling and ineffective pretender to King Ralphs throne.

But still...could Darryl Sutter be doing a worst job at running the Flames than Stelmach is at running the province? Just for shits and giggles, how about we take a look.

As with all things, we will start at the beginning. Darryl Sutter and Ed Stelmach were both Albertan farmers. They are good at farming in Alberta. Hell, they should have probably stuck with farming in Alberta. Alas, they did not.

Darryl Sutter came into power via coup. He was hired by Craig Button (who has a firm handshake, by the way) to coach the team. At the end of the season, the man Mr. Button had hired to coach the team would end up taking his job, through a backroom deal with Ken King. Stolen leadership.

Ed Stelmach came to power via coup, also. Ralph Klein had retired without telling anybody, and the PC party of Alberta got a little ticked off. They decided to go all Brutus (read some history) on his ass. To fill the leadership gap, a leadership vote was held. Dinning, Morton, and Stelmach were all up for the position of Ralphs replacement, and thanks to the wonders of proportional representational balloting, the guy nobody voted for, Ed Stelmach, ends up winning. Stolen leadership.

Now, to be fair, Darryl Sutter's position as Flames GM requires no election to ratify. But Premier of the province most certainly does, but Ed Stelmach won't have that election, because he knows he would lose to Danielle Smith. Moving on...

So Darryl and Stelmach, in our retelling, are now in charge. Cool. What have these two cats been up too?

Well, Ed Stelmach began his tour of duty with the belief that the price of oil couldn't possibly ever drop below $100 a barrel, and so he changed the royalties that the province charged the oil companies, IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONTRACT. Boys and girls, that is what 3rd world dictators do.

Darryl Sutter traded or signed the following: Kotalik, Sauve, Friesen, Amonte, Marchment. Trading or signing these pieces of shit is a move that only a 3rd world dictator should be able to get away with.

Ed Stelmach would go on to promise infrastructure spending to each of the cities in the province, Calgary and Edmonton. In a move of absolute retardation, Ed Stelmach would then go on and break the promise he made to the City of Calgary over funding. He cut back the amount of funding he promised because nobody in Calgary voted for him at the leadership convention, ensuring nobody in Calgary would ever vote for him. Ed Stelmach bumbled the infrastructure spending.

Darryl Sutter has been unable to sign a coach that the players on the roster respect and listen to. Instead, he has signed junior coaches in Brent Sutter and Jim Playfair, or a pedophile looking motherfucker in Mike Keenan (who the owners paid to sit and do nothing this year, by the way). Bumble, bumble, bumble.

One of Ralph Kleins claims to fame was that he tamed the deficit beast, and made Alberta debt free. One of Ed Stelmachs claims to fame is that he has borrowed money needlessly (maybe because he chased those oil companies away when he changed the royalties) and now Alberta is in debt. An Alberta in debt is an Alberta that has the specter of income tax hikes, which threatens the Alberta Advantage. In short, Alberta has lost its identity under Ed Stelmach.

Darryl Sutter's claim to fame is that he installs a hard nose, no nonsense work ethic in his teams. We all remember 03-04. But curiously, post lockout, Darryl has continually filled this teams roster with soft, skilled players who don't have a work ethic at all and are definitely not hard nose. Matt fucking Stajan on a Darryl Sutter team? What the fuck is going on here, people? Under Sutter, the Flames have lost their identity (which Darryl installed in the first place, ARGH FUCK).

Ed Stelmach knows he is in a precarious political situation, and because of that fact, he has made moves to solidify his stance in the eyes of the special interests in this province. Massive payments have been made to the healthcare unions, the teachers unions, the, uhh, union union. And when we say massive, we mean massive: Billions of dollars to ensure that these special interest groups receive raises several percentage points over the rate of inflation, in an economic environment that dictated cost cutting. Ed Stelmach got into bed with the unions.

Darryl Sutter, due to his inability to construct a balanced roster, found himself in a precarious employment situation this year. Because of this, he went on to trade for every member of the Toronto Maple Leafs not named Phil Kessel. Yes, it is true: Darryl Sutter got into bed with Brian Burke. Ewww.

Still reading? Good, but we will end with this: Ed Stelmach chased the oil investors out of this province by changing the royalties in the middle of a contract. As a result, he was forced to look for new investors, which he found, in China. You guys know who runs China, right? An illegal, communist, criminal regime that cares little for the rights or well being of the Chinese people. In fact, the red communists regard most of the Chinese citizenry as slaves.. And Stelmach actually does business with these people.

Darryl Sutter? He swung a trade with the Edmonton Oilers. Makes us want to puke.

So, after all of that, who has been worse, Ed Stelmach or Darryl Sutter?

And why the fuck can't both these cheese dicks go back to farming?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Week Ahead

Next week, on

- Funny bits

- Angry rants

- Swearing

- Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

So no post on Monday, and really, you're lucky the TWA got out done, as boozing has priorities this weekend.

Also we just wanted to touch on one of the comments by 'Anonymous commentator' on the 'Dumb & Dumber' piece. Namely, that on the night that the Flames were eliminated from the playoffs, that a few of them (or 5 of them) were seen out at a bar, just yuckying it up, without a care in the world, like nothing happened.

Listen, we don't like to hear that shit. And before you start, let us tell you why.

The Calgary Flames is a business, just like anything else. The players on the roster are really the front line employees of the business. We don't know if the audience owns businesses, runs them, or even works in them. Front line employees are essential in running a business. They are who the customer sees almost 95% of the time, and because of this, they are the people who largely build the intangible goodwill that brands and business seek. We don't care how nice and smart and connected the boss or CEO is, if the people you hire to interact with the customers are shit, your customers experience will be shit, and very soon your brand will be shit.

What makes a good front line employee? In any business, the answer is the same: Heart. Employees who care, who actually give a damn, are worth their weight in gold. Employees who care will go the extra mile, without being asked too, to make sure the customer feels they have been treated right and received the service and attention they deserved.

Clearly, the Calgary Flames roster players are not good employees. On what should have been one of the most embarrassing days in their professional careers, they have the audacity to go out, in public, and have a party? They do not care.

Which isn't really a surprise, given the way they played this season.

The gas face isn't reserved for the players alone, however. We are also right pissed at the owner of the establishment that the Flames were partying it up in. Why the fuck are you comping losers? Why the fuck are giving losers good tables in your bar? These guys embarrassed the city with there no heart play, and you let them come into your bar and just chuck it up? Have some respect for your fellow citizens.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.