Friday, May 21, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means one thing: time to go down on girls with longer pubic hair than you have!

Uhh, what? Shit, that's right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC!).

Man, Domebeer-aholics, what a mad week this was. Have we become your investing conscience yet? Well, if we had, you would have saved a lot of money this week, unless you short naked, in which case get gone with your bad, freaky self. Yes, the charnel house of death and slaughter that is Europe continues to operate unabated, only it has moved from the battlefields to the marketplace. The Greek debt crisis 'solution' has only exasperated the problem. Honestly, could we stop with all this tinkering and poorly thought out regulation and get back to free markets? Let's take a quick look at what Greece has given us: anal sex, democracy, debt crisis. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Actually, while we are on the topic of the Greek art, we find that it has made its way into the Middle Kingdom, and comrade, they aignt too pleased about it. A Chinese professor was arrested for running a 'swinger' group, and his defence made freedom loving sex crazed nymphomaniacs everywhere proud: "We were not hurting anybody!" Somewhere, John Locke's cadaver is smiling. Speaking of life and death (weak segue, Domebeers) scientists have gone all Dr. Frankenstein and, well, IT'S ALIVE!!! (it's from the book, fuck literacy). Hey, we have an idea. Let's start cooking up some artificial people so we can ship them over to Greece, and they might actually get a tax base to start repaying their loans with. We can dream. As always, the nominees presented us with a tough choice.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Chris 'Big' Bawl. Honestly, who else could it have been?

CTV News, your vaginapagina is showing.

We found that the youtube is fucking with us in our attempt to find some of Chris's stunts. Fuck your couch, youtube. Daredevils are sweet, and the world needs more of them. Rock the fuck on, Mr. Bawl.

But how did Chris first discover the urge to jump off of objects travelling at various rates of speed? Was it the hyphy culture and the ghost riding? Was it a desire for fame, money, and women (stop projecting, Domebeers)? No, no, of course it wasn't. Anybody who was at a Calgary Flame home game this year knows exactly why Mr. Balls started to develop the urge to jump off of moving objects.

Yes, it is true. Chris Bawl, a lifelong fan of Calgary Flames, was watching the Calgary Flames play Nashville in what would turn out be the most boring game of hockey every played, when it hit him: to get the suck he had just witnessed out of his brain, he would have to get his brain out of his head. And so our good Mr. Bawl set out to do just that.

Climbing to the top of the nearest overpass, Chris decided he was taking a stand. He would no longer be subject to the suck of the 09-10 version of his beloved fire snorting horse heads (best jersey ever, by the way, and if you know where we can get one, please, do tell). He quickly texted his mother and father a goodbye note, took one last look at the moon and stars, and jumped off the overpass. Sweet release was waiting for him at the bottom of the road.

Unfortunately for Chris, God hates quitters. Chris did not hit the pavement that night, and did not get the release from the suck that he had been hoping for. Instead, he landed on top of a truck going 100 Kid Miles an hour. God would not allow him to escape the Flames suckage so easily. Chris, however, was undeterred. He would immediately leap from the truck, only to land on a SUV, which he then jumped off, only to land on a compact car, which he again leaped from, only to fall on an old woman using a walker. The big guy upstairs thought it was hilarious.

Chris would return home that night with an even more intense determination to rid his mind of the hockey suck he had witnessed in the Dome that night, but alas, it would do no good. Chris would try harder and harder to jump off things to get his brain out of his dome, but he would find that the more he tried to hit the pavement, the more he would land on trucks, cars, trains, and other cool ass shit. Armed with the knowledge that there might be no release for him from the boring, no heart hockey played by the Flames, he would set his heart out on topping Evel Knievel. Also, he enjoyed it when Rob Kerrs vagina got all crotchety about his stunts on the radio.

For sticking to the man, brah, Chris 'Big' Bawl wins this week's Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Domebeer-aholics, we want to do a little housekeeping, and put some cards on the table. You will notice that besides our friend Jack (character counts, motherfucker) we don't have advertisements on this site. It is art for art's sake (unless someone offers real cash, hint hint). With that said, dear Reader, we also write this thing for you. We started this site because we felt that a voice like ours was missing from the scene (well, also for fame, to get on the radio, to get on the tv, and to get in the newspapers). But as talented as magnificent as we are, we cannot read minds. We don't hate our audience. We love the Domebeer-aholics. We want to be loved back. If there is something you like/hate about the site, let us know. As we said, it is art for art's sake so we might not go with your idea, but we want to hear them nonetheless.

For the year, we have had over 4000 visitors to the site (with over 1500 being labeled unique, whatever that means), and over 6500 page hits. We know the legions of Domebeer-aholics are out there. We are on our way to 20,000. We thank you for the support and the love you have shown us, and we want to give back by making this a even more enjoyable place for you to kill time at work on. But for that, feedback is required. Drop us a line about what you like or don't like, if you have the time. It would be appreciated. We promise we won't out you and make fun of you on the site.

We also have another favour to ask of you. Keep sending your emails, letters, or comments in to Sportsnet, telling them that Peter Loubardias is giving you brain tumours, and that it needs to stop. We can do this people. We can get an actual Play By Play person you can listen too into the booth. Hell, if we got CP to fix their links, anything is possible.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


So we don't know if it is Chris Bawl or Chris Ball. We have seen it both ways. If someone knows, let us know so we can fix it. Also, we found his movie trailer.

Chris Bawl Teaser

Wade | MySpace Video

So if we mispelled your name, Chris, we apologize, and we make up for it with the posting of the trailer.

Furthermore (again), I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Some Thoughts On Dumb & Dumber, And Also The Drunk

Domebeer-aholics, you know that we are big, big fans Jay 'Blow Over The Limit' Bouwmeester.

And really, what's not to like about a 6'4, 220 pound D-man who can skate like the wind? You know, besides the softness, the lack of intensity, the unwillingness to throw a body check, the unwillingness to get involved in the rush, or to pinch in, or to score, or create offensively, or to not be a minus player. Oh yeah, also, at 6.7 million dollars a year, the total unwillingness to step up in the locker room and become a team leader, to take the team on his back.

Hey Domebeers, the cat is 26. Right. Awesome. Paying 35 million dollars for potential. That hasn't gone wrong in these here parts before, now has it?

Anyways, thanks to GM Sutters penchant for giving every breathing thing on Gods green earth a No Trade Clause, we are probably stuck with the cat. It isn't the end of the world, but still, it is another example of Darryl over allocating resources, which hurts the team in the long run. Whatever. We can't change reality. What we can do, like a Casper Patrick Swayze, is shape and mold reality to better accentuate the make up of the Flames.

Uhh, English please, Domebeers. Right. What we are saying is this: We have a guy in J Blow who does have some skill. That skill is physical, his being 6'4 and 220, his being able to skate. It is also mental, by which we refer to his ability to do whatever the coach tells him to do without making a fuss about it. By all accounts, he appears to be a good soldier (which sucks for us, because again, at 6.7, we don't need a grunt, we need Navy SEAL). These are the skills that need to be harnessed and utilized more effectively by the idiot coach, Brent Sutter, if we are to get production out of one J Blow.

What exactly are we talking about? Let's start with the PP. We have been watching the playoffs, as we are sure most of you are doing, and there is something we immediatly noticed about the Flyers, who had a killer PP in the regular season (21.4%, good for third in the league) and are scoring at a 24.3% clip in the playoffs. Did you guys notice it too? Pronger sets up in front of the goalie on the PP.

Why did we notice Pronger? Well, besides the fact that he is hard not to notice out there against Montreal, we think the guy is an ok comparison to J Blow, physically. Pronger is 6'6, 220, but doesn't skate nearly as well as the Flames resident drunk driver. Pronger is also a winner, which J Blow, who hasn't won anything at any level of hockey, isn't. Pronger is also mean, will hit, and isn't a finesse softy. In short, Pronger has a lot of the intangibles that J Blow doesn't, but the way that they are utilized shouldn't be that different.

Shouldn't be. Should not be, but is. Why? Because Peter Laviolette is a real NHL coach, not a junior coach masquerading as a NHL coach. It took Laviolette all of two seconds to figure out that it might be a good idea to establish a net presence with a big, hulking, 6'6 Pronger. Especially on the PP. Brent Sutter still hasn't figured out Beta lost out to VHS, which probably goes a long way to explaining how someone who claimed to practice the PP all the time still ends up with 26th ranked PP.

Listen, Dumb (GM Sutter) and Dumber (Coach Sutter), is it really too hard to figure out? Do you guys not watch any other NHL team, and see how they run their shit? When your team is consistently mediocre, you should probably watch the teams that are effective in areas that your team is not, and try to pick up on the 'best practices' that they employ. Right, we forgot, the Sutters know everything about hockey. They know so much that they refuse to stick a 6'4 body in front of the oppositions net, or to tell Jarome he needs to get the hell off the side boards and into the middle of the ice (it's called the slot Jarome, and you two used to be best friends) or maybe, just for shits and giggles, put Jarome on the point so he has some time to actually get his shot off. GM Sutter specifically knows so much about the game of hockey that he saddled better versions of this team with coaches who were over their head in Playfair and Brent, or were washout retreads in Keenan.

While we are on the topic of Pronger and J Blow over 0.8, we would like to make the following observation. Cammo is 5'8 182, and getting shut down by Pronger et al because of it. You know who is a thorn in the side of the Flames? That little flat chest midget, Pat '20 cent' Kane. He goes 5'10 (yeah fucking right) 178 (skeptical of that, too). He is the same size as Cammo, yet J Blow isn't able to shut him down. Curious. We would chalk that up to Pronger being a winner, and J Blow being, well, J Blow.

And that isn't good enough. At 6.7, J Blow is the second highest paid player on this team. We cannot pay that much money for a solid D-man. Solid D-men cap out at around 5 million dollars. If you are a solid D-man who has offensive ability, then you get paid into the 6 plus range. So J Blow, by virtue of his contract alone, has to be more of a contributor on the offense for this team. Which means that the idiot coach's much vaunted 'system' should flow through J Blow specifically. J Blow needs to lead the break out, and if he can help it, keep the puck on his stick through the neutral zone. The one guy on this team with speed is Glencross, and Glencross has some of the worst hands we have ever seen, so please, please, please no stretch passes to that big moment chocker. J Blow should be taking the puck through the neutral zone and Bobby Orr-ing that shit right to the net. While that is happening, Iggy should be getting into open ice up high, and the centre and other winger need to do the dirty work if the puck goes into the corner. If something bad happens, like a turnover, and J Blow is down low, than we can thank the heavens that we also have Gio on this team, and his ass better get back and cover, which he has the speed to do.

This shit is hockey. It isn't rocket surgery. And for a couple of hockey lifers, the Sutters show almost as little creativity as the players on the roster.

But because the Coach is all buddy buddy with the newspaper scribes and Boomer and Kerr on the Fan960, you would think that none of this teams troubles has anything at all to do with coaching. It is just funny that way.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

4 More Years

We would like to put forward the following observation: when it pertains to hockey, the empiricism based, stat-guy argument is that the Hockey Gods exist.

Which of course, they do, but we still find that ironic as hell.

(If that little piece of prose can't get us into the National Posts quote section, we don't know what will)

Ok. Let's get to what we came to do. As I'm writing this, Sacramento just got screwed in the draft lottery. Fucking hilarious. Anyways, you could probably tell by the headline, we take the opposite view of Domebeer-aholic Kent Wilson.

Why? I mean, he even had a chart!:

Well, we got charts too:

Chart Fight!

We bolded all the stats Kipper was better in. You will notice his name is bolded too, which is pretty fucking impressive.

Our opinion? Excellence is hard, and it is hard to be excellent over a long season, especially when you play 73 games because your idiot GM doesn't get you a NHL caliber backup. Yet Kipper finds a way. We think that's because, you know, he is a world class fucking goaltender. In any given situation, when you have one shot at making a save or not making a save, few are better than Kipper. We understand the buy low sell high, but last time we checked, the only guy on the roster holding the window open was Kipper, seeing as the Captain has decided to take the rest of his contract off.

The Flames have Mikka Kiprusoff through the 13/14 hockey season. During those years, his actual salary owed goes down every year (7m, 6m, 5m, 1.5m). Both those things make us happy. Really, if anything, the Flames should trade everybody but Kipper for draft picks, tank it next year for more draft picks, and try to contend for the 12/13, 13/14 seasons.

What? No FJM? Please, we have a little more respect for our fellow Flames fans than that.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, May 17, 2010

A Quick Note To Murray Edwards

Fans are fans. We bitch, we moan, we play pocket GM.

But if this franchise is seriously thinking about trading Kipper or Iggy, Darryl needs to be fired.

Why? Because only a retarded goldfish wearing shitty diapers could fuck up winning a Stanley Cup when you have Iggy and Kipper on the roster.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Week Ahead

Next week, on

- Roundtable

- Salmagundi

- Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

Roundtable is coming. Hopefully it will cause some laughter.

Something funny?