Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Power Of Domebeers


Why the hell are we posting on a Saturday? Because of this, motherfucker. All the links work now. Observe and tremble at the power you wield, Domebeer-aholics. Although, curious enough, if you click their 'links' link, is conspicuously absent. Fix that shit, CP, fix it now.

Was at the Hitmen game yesterday, row 3, and it was a good fucking time. Heckled the shit outta the Tri-Cities goalie, and because I did, the Hitmen were able to dominate the second period.

What I am trying to say here is: You're Welcome.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: rough sex with 16 year old prostitutes!

What? Oh yeah, you are right. It is also that time again to present this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC!).

Like all the weeks previous, this week offered plenty of worthy nominees. Domebeer-aholics, last week we told you to get your money out of the market. Guess what? Your ass should have listened, because yesterday, the DOW lost 400 points, which makes this weeks loss about 500 points. The cause? Well, besides communists running the worlds governments and banks? Besides allowing broke countries into your monetary union? We are blaming Germany, and it's slow approval of a too-small bailout (Domebeers is anti bailout, but this is a sports website, so enough of that). Ah, Germany. You remember Germany, right? Lead actor in the Catholic civil wars of the Middle Ages? The intellectual playground of socialism, communism, and fascism?  The aggressor nation in World War One, and its sequel, World War Two: War Harder? Yeah, well, the barbarian, warrior Germans, who a bunch of farmboys from Canada and America absolutely destroyed, have been reduced to marrying their cats. Adolph is spinning in his fucking grave. How does one exactly consummate that marriage? Speaking of small penises (10 points for that segue), some TSA worker in Miami went all Steven Seagal on a co-worker after he went through the new nude scanner machines. The TSA worker, let's call him Rolando, went through the scanner and ooops! it was a little too cold out. One of Rolando's co-workers, let's call him Hugo (people, seriously, real life is better than fiction), wouldn't let Rolando's lack of physical talent go, and ridiculed him constantly. Rolando met the cat in the parking lot and attacked him with a metal baton. Hugo couldn't take his come-uppance like a man and tattled and got Rolando arrested. What a bitch.  For reals, the guys who are paid (peanuts) to keep the flying public safe are essentially junior high kids. Lovely. As always, this was a very tough choice.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Super Dave Osborne!

Super Dave Osborne began life, oddly enough, as plain old Dave Osborne. Born in LA during the Dirty 30's to a meek and mild family of traveling prophylactic salesmen, early life in California was poor, but not for lack of love. One day, Dave's father took the family out to see a circus show, and as luck would have it, the cannon balls that where to be shot out of a...cannon were delayed on the highway. Dave's father quickly struck a deal with the circus ringleader and in less time then it takes to say 'sayanora' little Dave was loaded into that cannon and shot out over the heads of the amazed crowd below. The 50 bucks Dave's father earned that day came nowhere close to covering the medical bills of Dave, and it probably wasn't worth child services taking his son away, but it did, in a sense, buy Dave his title of 'Super' and 'daredevil'.

Dave would spend the rest of his childhood years moving from foster home to foster home and state to state. Along his journey across America, Super Dave would perform crazy, outlandish, and over the top stunts at county fairs and weddings, slowly but steadily growing his reputation as the premier underage performer of illegal stunts in the country. It was during this time in Super Dave's life that he would be married and divorced 5 times. Because the alimony cheques needed to be paid, Super Dave was forced to keep putting his body and life on the line for the dollar.

In the following years, Super Dave would grow and develop his brand, start several successful television shows, and even star in the movies in his native California. But for all his latent success, something was missing from Super Dave's life. The initial thrill of that inaugural flight from a shoddy cannon over that shocked crowd at the circus was what Super Dave yearned for.

One day in 2009 - 2010, while sipping Hendrick's gin and eating Beluga cavier, Super Dave happened to receive a phone call from Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter. Darryl had seen this on TV:

Darryl's team, the Calgary Flames, were engaged in a similar free fall. Darryl wanted to know how Super Dave stuck that landing, and if he could come down to Calgary and teach his team how stick their landing, if you will. Super Dave thought he might be able to find that feeling that he was searching for, and quickly agreed to help Darryl out on his 'stunt'.

If Darryl had bothered to finish watching Super Dave's free fall, he would know that, alas, Super Dave did not stick the landing. And with Super Dave brought onboard to help manage the Flames, the team from Calgary would not stick it's landing, either. Midseason acquisitions of loser Maple Leafs, loser Rangers, and a loser Duck (after all, why the fuck not trade for Vesa?) would not be enough to right the ship, and the Flames would indeed go splat at the end of the season.

For providing Darryl Sutter with yet another scapegoat, Super Dave Osborne wins this week's Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Domebeer-aholics, Mom's day is on Sunday. We want you alive and well, and able to read this hilarious site next week, so please, don't forget and force Mom to murder you.

Bob Nicholson and Stevie Y? Puke. WE WANT LANNY!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Two Hours Of Conroy

Craig Conroy was on the Fan 960 today, and because I am at work I got to listen. Fun times.

Transcript? Fuck you, I don't work as a teletyper. I got notes. Here are a few, in some semblance of order:

On Cam: Conroy said Cam would have stayed for $5 million a year over 5 years ($25 million). If this is true, Darryl can choke on his own silver tongue.

On The Locker Room: Conroy said that there was not a locker room issue. I know, I know, that was a lie. How do I know? Because he went on to say that Reggie and Dion had issues. Whatever. Conroy also said there was no issue between him and Dion, or between Jarome and Dion. Who knows. Conroy also went on to say that the locker room was the best at the end of the year, which would mean after Dion and Joker were traded. He also said Joker was not a locker room issue.

On Dion: Conroy said the issue was with Reggie and Dion. He also said Jarome and Dion did not fight. He said Dion was asked to improve his defence, and management didn't see any improvement and he didn't finish the sentence. He also said Dion was moved because he was the only guy who could get a return and didn't have a no trade, and he was also too expensive. He also said Dion was a loner, as in he was not a huge team guy. He also said Dion read the papers, and took all the criticism personally. He also says that on the day Dion was traded, the first three people at the Dome were Ken King, Darryl Sutter, and Jarome.

On Jarome: Conroy says Iggy isn't going anywhere.

On Missing The Playoffs: Says it might be good for the team, because it will wake them up to the fact that they have to work hard every game. He went on to say that the team can't take nights off, which implies they did, but you knew that, because you watched them play this year.

On The Flames: He says the team only needs 3 goals a game and they will win every game. He also says that it is tough to score when you trail the opposition all the time. He said the team, in his opinion, needs to be tweaked but not blown up. Says the team never recovered from losing Cam and Berts goals.

On The Changes: He said that it didn't help that the team brought in 6 new guys. It took time to gel. He said J Blow is a defenceman and shouldn't be looked to for scoring. Says this city put a lot of pressure on the new guys, whatever that means.

On Conroy: Says he was injured for the majority of this year. Yeah, go with that. He also said he should win the Selke this year, but I'm pretty sure you can only win awards you're nominated for.

On The Coach: Conroy claimed the coach wanted the players to take risks and make plays and score goals. He implied that talent, not coaching or the system, was the cause of the lack of goal scoring. He also claims to know Jim Edmonds (puke).

On The Dome: Conroy agrees with Domebeers on this one. The Dome atmosphere sucks, and the people running it need to make it a fun experience for the fans. He pointed out that baseball games are a fun fan experience and the Dome should try to replicate that. He suggested that the Flames should adopt an annoying song to play after goals (anything by Dwight Yokem) and a Cub-esque win song (Hey Chicago what do you say? Cubs are going to win today!).

On Loubardias: Conroy didn't say he should be fired, but we all know he wants him gone.

On Ken Thrower: He says he is bald and annoying. Oh wait, that's what I said. Sorry, Craig.

I missed the last hour of the conversation, so if I missed something, post it in the comments.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Domebeer-aholics, do you know what life on Wall Street is like?

Weird question, you say? Not really. The answer is "brutish, nasty, and short." (Hobbes sucks, by the way. If your reading Leviathan, put the book down, fascist, and read Locke).

The firms on Wall Street exist for one reason: to make money. Making money is the singular and total focus of the Street. How do they ensure that they make money? The people running the firms are ruthless.

If you make a trade on Wall Street, and it makes money, you are a hero. If that hero goes on to lose money on a trade, even if it is the next day, that hero wears the goat horns. Make two money losing trades? That hero finds himself (or herself, Domebeers loves women) in the unemployment line. That hero is done, and might never be able to find a job on Wall Street proper again.

Life on the Street (in theory, at least, you don't want to get us started on corporate welfare and political/financial incest known as 'bailouts') is life on Darwin's Island: survival of the fittest. And it should be that way. If these guys fuck up, you might lose your mortgage. It's high stakes stuff, and you want the best people doing it. Not only do you want the best people doing it, but you want the best people to have their asses on the line, so you get their best efforts, all of the time.

Do you know where we are going with this?

Darryl Sutter and his status as Flames GM, obviously. Dude finds himself quite the topic of interest, and for good reason. When a GM lives by the motto of 'compete for the Cup every year' and does not make the playoffs, questions will be raised. The question we would like to raise is this: Are the Calgary Flames committed to winning?

It seems an odd question, but it isn't. As we stated above, the organizations that operate on Wall Street are in the game of winning (making money). When their players (employees) don't perform, there are consequences (their asses get fired). What does Wall Street, which has 'won' more than any other industry on Earth, know about winning? They know that accountability breeds results.

And the thing about results, in a result oriented business, is that they are measurable. Darryl Sutter, come on down.

The Regular Season:

The averages: 44 wins, 30 losses, 8 overtime losses. 96 points. Now, before you scream 'Sutter has made us an 8th place team and fuck that guy' remember where we were before Sutter arrived on the scene (for the bandwagoners, that would be a consistent 75 point team). Adding 20 points to the team is quite an accomplishment, and Kipper, err, Darryl, should be commended for it.

But 96 points is an 8th place team. It also implies that it is a more flawed team than most of other contemporary so called perennial Stanley Cup contenders, namely Detroit and San Jose (no team is flawless, unless we are talking about the 1958 - 59 Montreal Canadiens). Darwin's not super impressed.

We don't feel we need to show Darryl's playoff record. You all should know it: Historic and improbable run to the Cup finals in 04, first round exists ever since, until this year, when Darryl panicked, added payroll at the trade deadline, and promptly missed the playoffs. Darwin's sharpening the guillotine.

More stats? Why not.

So, as you can see, the trend isn't great. Is that on the GM? He is the one building the team, and he is the one hiring (and then firing) the coaches who are supposed to implement his vision of the team.

Besides wasting ownerships money on old, broken players (Nolan? For reals?)  and hiring and firing coaches at will, what else is a GM suppose to do? Well, Domebeer-aholics, a GM is suppose to draft (well) and develop talent. Why? Because free agents are expensive, and you have to overpay to get them (see: J - Blow), and in a salary capped league, the ability to develop and use talent while it is still cheap is an essential quality for any GM with visions of a Cup. Darryl, please re-read that paragraph.

Well then, let us take a quick peek at the situation: Dion, Pardy, Boyd, Prust, and Backlund are Darryl's picks that have made the team. 3 of those 5 aren't with the team. Famously, Prust was traded for herpes. It would be hard to call any of those guys world class, unless of course Dion is playing easy minutes against lesser competition, in which case a retarded hockey world would nominate him for the Norris. But really, Darryl seems to miss more than he hits, which isn't great, considering he tends to trade draft picks, which makes hitting on the few he has pretty much a must.

Not to kick a dead horse, but you all remember last year, right? When Darryl mangled the cap space on this team so badly that the Flames were not able to ice a full roster? Yeah. we'd keep THAT guy!

We began by talking about Wall Street, and their '2 strikes and your dead' mentality. Well, Darryl has a few more than two strikes against him. We feel that Darryl took the team to a certain level, and thank him for that. But we also would like to win a Stanley Cup again. Darryl, and his ability to improve the team, seems to have plateaued. This organization should thank Darryl for what he has done, but we do not owe Darryl Sutter anything. He couldn't get the job done. We feel it is time for the organization to look for people who can.

Namely, Lanny McDonald.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Week Ahead

Next week, on

- Stuff

- Things

- Actual content

- Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

Domebeer-aholics, we have been doing you a disservice these last couple of weeks, and for that, we apologize. Tax season, final test season, all are blessedly at an end, which means we can get back to posting. We plan on biting some of the Flame commentary around the 'domesphere, and giving you are takes, hilarious as always, on Darryl, Jarome, Matt Stajan (sucks) and a whole host of other issues and topics.

Something funny?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.