Friday, April 30, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means one thing: Sticky green burning sitting on twenty's, pocket full of money and we hollering at the honey's, yo.

Huh? What? Yeah, yeah, you're right, we guess. It is also that time again to present this week's winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC!)!

What a week. What a crazy, crazy week. Tax season ended, which is fucking awesome. Besides that, what else happened? Well, let's see, let's see. Looks like Greece went bankrupt. Ha! Socialism takes another 'L'. It's a serious issue, one that you can safely ignore, because, well, Greece hit its peak around 450 BC. If you're invested in European banks not named Barclays, one, you're an idiot, and two, it might be a good time to wind down the position. Unless, of course, you want to have money leak out of your bank account faster than oil out of a BP oil tanker. Speaking of which... What makes this funny, to us at least, is that a few years ago BP tried to position itself as some sort of green energy company. Remember 'Beyond Petroleum'? Too funny. We wonder when the hysterical mob of swollen uterus suffering pinko's blame Obama for this, the way Bush was blamed for Katrina. Was that another segue? It was. Apple freaked the fuck out when it found out one of its Iphone prototypes (by the way, If you rock an Iphone and you have a penis, Houston, we have a problem) was lost by one of its engineers. Instead of firing the engineer, they are suing the people who found it. Apples fascist. Finally, the story of the week. No segue, because no segue could do this story justice. 72 year old Grandma. 26 year old Grandson. Do you know where we are going with this? They are fucking. Eww gross. City of Edmonton skyline gross. We face a hard choice this week.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: The Hart Dynasty.

Fuck yeah, Hart Dynasty. Way to kick the shit outta Show-Miz on Monday, and win the unified WWE Tag Team Championship belts. Oh you didn't know? Your ass better call somebody.

Epic, epic matchup. The big guy in a speedo beat up the big guy in a...speedo. Yeah, awesome, we know. It started out with Big Show and his partner, some idiot named Miz aka Calgary Kid (we couldn't have been the only people who went to RAW when it came to town), talking all sorts of junk about Brett Hart. Brett Hart, former RTPIC winner, and Hitmen jersey wearing bad ass mofo, is not a man you talk junk about. Why? Because Brett has a murder crew watching his back, consisting of D.H. 'I'm Ripped' Smith and Tyson 'I Have The Worst Haircut In The World' Kid.  Oh yeah. They also got a manager:

Not bad. Anyways, like we said, huge fight. We are a little surprised at the Show-Miz team and their performance. Obviously, they were higher seeded than the Hart Dynasty. They got more shots on goal, spent more time in the Hart Dynasties zone, got more PP time (Ha! Peepee!) and all that. How did they lose? Did it have something to do with them trusting Mike '3 points' Green to watch the net? It is a team game, after all, so it is hard to point the finger at just one person. With that said, yes, it was the Calgary Kids fault.

For pulling one of the biggest upsets in WWE playoff history, the 8th seeded Hart Dynasty wins this week's Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Noooo! The team that plays hockey the way hockey should be played (read: offensive) got bounced in the first round. Fuck. Darryl better not have been paying attention, because we would hate to think that he may find some sort of solace for his terrible roster building in the fact that the Capitals lost.

The 'Trap' should be made illegal. Honestly, unless you have an All-Star team it is fucking terrible to watch, and if you want to know why the sport doesn't translate down south, boring people to death with defence first hockey may be a good place to start the investigation.

Hey, did you see how Cam was to small to perform in the playoffs? Can we please fire whoever made the decision to pay Joker over that cat? Oh, Darryl made that decision? Never mind. That dude is made of fucking teflon.

Roughnecks people. Go out and buy tickets. We went to the championship game last year, and let us tell you, it was pretty fun. We bought upper bowl tickets, and then moved down and sat in the front row, by the goalie, where we proceeded to talk mad amounts of shit for the entire game. That stuff is encouraged at their games. It's awesome. Music is a little loud and chachy-ish, but it is only a minor inconvenience, nowhere near as bad as the music at a Flames game (play some fucking country music). Also, they got 'domebeers available for purchase. Domebeers endorses mad consumption of 'domebeers. Try for 3 per quarter, and kids, remember what J Blow says: designated drivers are for the weak.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Terrible Admission

Domebeer-aholics, are you as starved for legitimate, authentic Flame news from a trusted source? We are too. What to do, what to do?

We wear red, yo, so we read red. Looking around, what can we find?

'Coyotes ready to howl' is fucking classic. You're the best, Calgary Sun Headline Writer. I bet it took more time to write the headline than to think it up. God, they pay you people? How about "Arizona shocked to learn people in Detroit have jobs'? Anyways, looking at the Sun's sports page we see a grand total of 0, or the amount of Cups the Canucks have, stories on the Flames. Hey, did you know Tito Ortiz didn't smack his bitch up because he wanted to, but rather because he had too? Do you know we couldn't give less of a fuck?

So let's zip over to the adult paper in town. Is their motto really 'Proudly Calgary since 1883'? That isn't us fucking with grammar, that is a NEWSPAPER doing it, for reals. Seriously Calgary Herald, Domebeers can help you with that whole 'marketing' thing. Just leave an email. How about 'We're a Broadsheet'? Too in your face? Ok, cruising the sports page...cruising...cruising...continuing to cruise. Ok, at the bottom of the page, they got like some sort of movie theatre thingy (technical term). Full of Flames stories from the end of the year, which is to say, full of 'Iggy-wants-out-no-he-doesn't' fuel, and clips of Darryl Sutter looking like a cheap paper-mache doll with a bitter beer face. Kudos for having something Flames related on, we guess.

We are still hungry. Should we do it? Should we take the fateful step and walk into the cold, Erebuse-ian wasteland that is Calgarypuck?

Wow. What a shitty homepage. Well, let's not judge a book by its cover. We don't know about this place, so let's click the 'About CP' button. Well, that is a little odd. The link didn't work. Hmmm. Must be a fluke. Let's see who what happens when you click the 'Links' button. Ha, you're fucking joking. This one didn't work either. The 'CP Radio' button didn't work as well. This is really fucking hokey. We see they have a 'Donate' button and a 'CP Gear' button. These have to do with money, with CP's ends. These buttons better work. Did you click them? Do you know how this bit is going to end? Of course the buttons don't work. They don't work, because CP is a shithole, and if you expect gold out of a shithole, then you're the asshole.

Do we even want to click the into the 'Forum' (we would link it, but we don't feel obligated to because if CP won't respect itself, why the hell should we?)? Shrug. We clicked it. Fuck, we feel dirty.

Fire on Ice? It's cute, we don't mind it. Click. Holy shit, their first post has 19,976 views? Christ. We want to kill ourselves now. We need to add to the army of Domebeer-aholic, not just for Domebeers, but for the general well being of Calgary Flames Fan. Anyways, let's see what the forums can give us in the name of news. Wow, an actual news story. Turns out the Oilers skim 80% of the donations to their charity by charging 'Admin fees'. Stay classy, Edmonton. In case you were interested, we are at 38% and Montreal wins at 17%. Good stuff CP. What else you got?

Fuck. After a good story like the one above they go and ruin it. CP still reads Eklund. Yeah, you know, the guy who has never been right about anything ever in the history of everything? That's the one! Eww...we clicked it.

Good news, guys. The Flames are trading for a top 5 draft pick, trading for Mighty Mouse St. Louis, and also trading for Nathan Horton. Isn't that awesome, crew? Nathan Horton's hot wife is coming to town!

Nice trade, GM Sutter, nice trade. Except that Eklund said it. Fuck. We've gone running and screaming from the room, to be honest. The thought of people still reading that goofball is just that haunting to us. CP, step your game up. How the hell did that site get 20,000 people to it? Fucked up world we live in. Vive la Domebeers, et al.

Guru died. Pour some liquor.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Week Ahead

Next week, on

- A funny bit

- Maybe some analysis

- Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

Domebeers seems to be developing a little bit of a curse, eh? We pimp the Flames, blah happens. We pimp the Kings, blah appears to be happening. Jonny Quick, do you suck? Do you? Or can we count on you to pull through the adversity and murder the hopes of dreams of ugly jersey nation? By my quick count, Quick was blown out by 5 goals or more 3 times in the regular season. The first time he got lit up, he let in 4 the next game. The second time he got lit up, he let in 1 the next game, and the third time he got lit up he let in 3 the next game. The blow outs were to the Coyotes, the Flames (fuck yeah), and the Sharks, respectively. The 'bounce back' games were against the Sharks, the Oilers, and the Sabres, respectively. Take it for what it is, but it looks like the Kings need a goalie. Kopitar for Kipper? What? You're the rumour monger, you!

You watching the playoffs? Us too. To us, nothing shows the extant to which Darryl has fucked this roster up than seeing the actual Stanley Cup calibre teams. We are nowhere fucking close to winning a Cup, unless the plan is to have Kipper pitch shut outs every night. Plus, you see the way guys are going to war out there, blocking shots with faces and what not? Can you imagine Matt Stajan doing any of that shit?

Look, I think the argument to can his ass is pretty simple. He made all these crazy, desperate trades in a crazy, desperate attempt to make the playoffs. Why would he do that? He must have felt his job was not secure, that if he missed the playoffs and took a step back he was going to get fired. Well, he made those moves, and we didn't make the playoffs. Hell, the country bumpkin even added salary at the trade deadline, and we missed the playoffs. According to Darryl, and his actions, he should then get fired, no?!

Also, if you needed any more reason to off with Darryl's head, why don't you tell us here at Domebeers what the Calgary Flames are?

If you answered soft and inconsistent, you win a pat on the back. Well done.

A Darryl Sutter team, mind you. You remember big bad Darryl Sutter, don't you? The guy who, when he first rolled into town, preached from the very beginning, the importance of having an identity? Of how important it was to be a team that would forecheck, play gritty, play smart, would do the little and things, would hit, and most importantly, was Tough At Home? Yeah, well, it turns out that guy, that same shit talking motherfucker, has been the guy overseeing the slow degeneration of that Flames Warrior Ethos for over half a decade now.

Darryl would fire Darryl. Case closed.

Something funny?

Futhermore, I think Peter Loubardiash should be fired.