Friday, April 23, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means one thing: The Stampeders continue to lose players and coaches.

Huh? What? Fine, you are right. How could we forget? It is also time for the (drumroll please) presentation of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Really, this week wasn't as much of a downer as the last couple, but it still was no cup of sunshine. Unless your name is Tim Tebow, and you have pictures of Josh McDaniels actually fucking a bronco. By the way, my Steelers won the draft. Anyways, back to the nominees. We had the federales drag world controlling bank Goldman Sachs onto capital hill so they could kiss Caesars ring. What you need to know is that petty bureaucrats who don't know a derivative from an option, and could never get a job at Goldman Sachs, not even as a janitor, are claiming that Goldman screwed another sophisticated bank outta one billion dollars. So if you're keeping score at home, bankers are not allowed to make money, and they aren't allowed to lose money. Got it? Good. Now you know why we don't like communists running capitalist countries. Speaking of President Obama, Domebeers favourite, and noted Domebeers-aholic Rod Blagojevich is hitting the cat with a subpoena. You all remember Rod, right? He tried to sell Obama's senate seat, which in Chicago is called 'business as usual' and in the rest of the world is called... well, business as usual, unless your caught. And while we are on the topic of 'business as usual', the United States of America's military establishment is launching a secret robotic spaceship into, uhh, well, space. Why? Because it's going to be Tuesday soon. Well, they actually didn't give a reason, saying something about 'turn that fucking camera off before we punch you in your hippie face'. Love those uniforms. As always, a very difficult choice to make.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Mr. Cooper

Hi there, Domebeer-aholics. AZR here, and I would like to talk to you about the show 'Hangin' With Mr. Cooper'. No cute story about Coopers mom or dad (Aretha Franklin and Red Auerbach, respectively), no cute stories about Cooper overcoming some early drama (did you know that Mr. Cooper was once stuck on an island with Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, and a single crack rock? How the hell did you get outta that one, Coop?), no silly story about Mr. Cooper losing the Calgary Flames coaching job to one Greg Gilbert (who the fuck made that decision?), and no little story about Cooper and the Seaman boys (God bless, Doc) partying down at Cowboys during the 04 run.

No, I want to talk about the night when the assholes over at NBC (or ABC, or whatever fucking network was showing TGIF) decided to, in the middle of the last episode of Mr. Cooper ever, cut to news coverage of the car crash of Princess Diana. What-the-fuck-ever.

August 30, 1997 will be a date I remember forever, and not because some English Royal skank went out and got drunk and got dead. On that date, the final Hangin With Mr. Cooper was aired, and because some news executive thought I would rather watch a car crash than Holly Robinsons hotness (she is very hot), I didn't get to see it. Anyways, Mr. Cooper and Vanessa (Holly) were at a crossroads in their relationship. Coop wanted to hit it, and Vanessa wanted a commitment. Fuck, bro, we've all been there. How does it end? According to the wiki, situational comedy gold ensues when a hilarious situation goes wrong. Who cares, I didn't see it, and I'm fucking bitter about it. Fuck TV executives, and fuck their couch.

Anyways, Mr. Cooper, you win this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award. Why? Because he is the shit, that's why. Also, we should have hired him, as Gilbert was a cheesedick.

Uhh, Jeff Pilon retired. What the fuck, Huff? First you get rid of my favourite WR, and now your fucking with the line? Well, in all fairness to the best coach in this city, Pilon was hired by 'Grid Iron Blasting', owned by one Jamie Crysdale (Go Stamps), to, you know, do what he did to D-line men, which is to say, destroy things. Good on him, I guess, but if Hank is getting sacked, I know who to blame.

Also, if I am mentioning Huff, then I am mentioning 'The Speech'

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


It has been too long, Domebeer-aholics. We missed you, too.

Vancouver (Burgles Turds)

What to talk about, what to talk about. Hmmm. Hey, you've all seen this, right?

Ha! That is some funny shit. Know what else is funny? Stats! Who wants to play?

Loungo? Sure. 3.19 GAA and a .880 SV% in 3 games. THREE DECIMAL POINT NINETEEN! His line from Game 3? If you insist. 16 SA, 12 Saves. In 33 minutes of ice. That's good for a .750 SV% on the night. Nice.

The other stat we noticed right away? Again, it comes courtesy of Game 3. Drumroll please: Kyle Wellwood, on the ice for 12:20, is a minus 2. Ha! Makes my tummy smile.

Flames (The Bums)

Hey, know who are Coach Killers? Iggy and Reggie. Yeah, those guy commit coachocide on a yearly basis. Will they strike this year? That seems to be the million dollar question. It would be nice if the two papers in town would get to covering it, but one can't expect the moon. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Know what else would be cool to see covered? Uhh, what the fuck is up with Darryl? Is that guy still employed, or like, are you waiting for someone to man up and tell him? Because if it is the latter, Domebeers will do it. Free of charge, too. Don't even worry about it, just ask.

Oh yeah, obligatory Lanny pimpage.

Steelers (Fuck, Ben did not rape that whore. You can't tell a guy your nickname is DTF and spend all night trying to get him to bone you and then turn around and claim rape because he doesn't ask you to marry him after he treats you like a whore. Whatever, this title is already too fucking long. )

So... Ben's getting suspended. What are the Black and Gold going to do? You certainly would not, under any circumstances, trade for Byron Leftwich. That guy sucks. He can't move around in the pocket, and the line isn't the greatest. We mean, Ben got sacked like 5000 times last year, so Byrons would get his head murdered off. No fucking way we make that move.

No, we would sign Jeff Garcia. That guy is ten thousand times more awesome than Byron Leftwich, who sucks, and is immobile, and has a 58.3 career completion percentage rating, and 34 (fucking christ!) fumbles in 57 games.

He also has a hot wife, which is actually, funny enough, why we are even talking about him. Enjoy!

Other Stuff

- Colorado, fuck, you had it. Way to fuck that up. Byzees.

- New Jersey, hahahaha. That's what you get for stealing Ilya from us.

- Larry Kings wife fucked the little league coach. Know what is super funny about it? She is 50, he is 30. Is irony still alive in the Obama era? If it is, it loved this.

Domebeer-aholics, again, we apologize for the delay. It's so nice out now and all that, so we will most likely not be doing the everyday post. You will get through it.

A lot of Jarome talk. We might get into it. Lazyness being what it is, however, we don't make any promises.

Oh yeah, before we go, we found the Loubardias replacement. Say hello to Gary.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Week Ahead

Next week, on

- Something funny. An 'Interview' or a 'Legends Of Flames'

- Something wordy

- Salmagundi

- Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

So, something funny, something funny. Hey, Domebeer-aholics, did you hear about that guy who had that animal sex farm? Gross. Fucking gross. Did you see where it happened? Seattle. Ha! West Coasters, you are a funny bunch.

Also, there is this:

Billy Dee Williams, you are smooth.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.