Friday, April 9, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means one thing: Sweet, sweet, alcohol.

What? Damn, that's right. It's time for the presentation of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC!).

Man. What a fucking week to cull nominations from. The Flames not making the playoffs was just a little turd in the gigantic shitstorm that was this week. The Catholic Pope, The Lords Vicar On Earth, continues to be evil. We don't want to come off as anti-Catholic, but people, really. The dude's covering for child rapists. Covering for child rapists is fucking evil. The Pope is evil. Don't be evil, Pope. Speaking of a loss in faith, the people of Krygystan (no, your not drunk, that word is really spelled Krygystan) decided that they didn't really like the government, and, elections being for pussies, decided to effect change, you know, with machine guns. That doesn't make you look like 1917 era Russia, Krygystan, not at all. Also, we had some glorious specimen of humanity try to go all Weekend at Bernie's with it and sneak a dead guy onto an airplane. You read that right, people. Ugh. Anyways, those are your nominees. Tough choice.

The winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Patrice O'Neal.

Patrice O'Neal. You funny motherfucker. Patrice had a mom, and he had a dad, and they were actually pretty normal people. They were not the people who jacked his head up. His mom was a dental assistant and his dad was this guy. Yeah, sweet afro. That guy was a good dad too. Always showed up to little league games and that shit.

Patrice was a fat goofy looking kid, and the kids at grade school ate his ass up. He didn't stand a chance, really. I mean, what, being a fat goofy kid like that? Look at that little fatty. What's the matter, fatty? Going to cry? Don't cry fatty. FAT!

Patrice fled inner city Chicago and travelled around the world delivering his woman approved comedy across the land. When he came into a sleepy little town called Calgary, his keen, worldly eye immediately spotted a place where he could help. He travelled down to the Saddledome, and witnessed the milquetoast boredom of the crowd. Like some sort of samurai master, he found Harvey the Hound and began teaching him the greatest maneuver in the arsenal of a mascot: The Pelvic Thrust.

For teaching an old dog new tricks, Patrice O'Neal  wins this weeks RTPIC!

More Patrice!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Hey, It Looks Like Domebeers Copped Out On Today's Post

Listen people, checking the google, it says that the 'Legends of Flames' post is on of the least popular things Domebeers has ever done. Fuck that shit. This is better than that. It's getting reposted because it's fucking sweet, Domebeer-aholics.

Well that, or we were just lazy.

Joe Nieuwendyk's Greed

Like most hockey stories, ours begins on a cold Canadian winter day on a pond in Whitby, Ontario. It was on this pond that that the dreams of hockey glory, and the attendant puck bunnies and keggers that come with it, first started to form in our young protagonists head. Skating with his friends and peers, Joe Nieuwendyk, and his insatiable Greed, started to believe that the dream of playing in the NHL was indeed possible.

"You could tell how good he was," childhood friend Joe Smith said. "He was always taking the most hot chocolate, taking all the orange slices and candy. Not a big passer, either. No, he wanted it all to himself. You could see it at an early age."

Joe and his Greed would develop into a highly touted prospect on the frozen ponds of Ontario. But Joe and his Greed would not be able to stay in the humble surroundings forever. A scholarship offering at Cornell University was offered, and Joe's Greed could not turn it down.

"I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had turned it down and played in the OHL. An opportunity to learn how to operate from some of the biggest greeds in the game was one I could not pass up" Joe's Greed told

At Cornell, Joe and his Greed would excel. Twice named to the ECAC's first All-Star team, Joe was planning to finish his degree at the Ivy League school when his Greed would talk him out of it.

"We had been in that place for three years, and I don't know if you know this, but they don't pay you in college hockey. I was putting up all these numbers, putting seats in the stands, basically carrying the team on my back, and they refused to pay me a nickel," An animated Joe's Greed tells "They basically told me that I was getting paid in a free scholarship to an Ivy League school. The Flames had already drafted me, so I told them where to stick that free scholarship, and I went off to get paid."

Joe and his Greed indeed had been drafted in the second round by the Calgary Flames. As a rookie coming into the league, Joe's Greed didn't have type of contract he craved, and he immediately went about trying to change that.

"I had some rookie, entry level contract. It wasn't nearly enough for me and Joe, so I had to get him to score some goals." said Joes Greed.

And score he did. In his first full rookie season, Joe would record 51 goals and 92 points. It was a masterful performance that he would duplicate one more time in his career, the next year. That year he scored 51 goals and 82 points, cementing his status as a National Hockey League player, and his allowing his greed to demand a contract that it felt was more in line with Joe's abilities.

"102 goals in two years? I should have asked for the whole team. I didn't even ask for a million dollars a year. I was young and foolish, and I let the the Flames off the hook. I wouldn't do that again." Said Joe's Greed.

Joe's career with the Flames would continue, with Joe assisting on Lanny McDonalds Stanley Cup winning goal. According to Lanny McDonalds Mustache, Joe's Greed would keep the historic puck for himself.

"He took my puck." Said Lanny McDonalds Mustache.

"It was my assist. The goal wouldn't have happened without me. None of it would have happened without me. It's my puck." Said Joe's Greed.

The growth of Joe's Greed would not go unnoticed. Its expanding size and girth would start to take a toll on Joe Nieuwendyk's body. Joe's Greed would get so big and heavy that it caused Joe chronic back and knee problems.

"It is funny, because we were making no money, Like in '92 we only made 400 grand, yet I was growing so large and so fast. They only got 22 goals outta me that year, by the way, because that is all they paid for. The following season, when they doubled my salary, which was half of what I was asking for, by the way, Joe responded by scoring 38 goals." Joe's Greed told

Indeed, Joe did see his contract double to start the '92-'93 seasons. But it was not the raise that his Greed had been seeking, and he responded with a 38 goal, 75 point season for the Flames, and a 36 goal, 75 point campaign the following season. In light of his 90 point seasons a few years earlier, people questioned whether or not Joe was holding back a little.

"That's the people in that city," Said Joe's Greed "They want superstar production but would they pay me? No, they wouldn't. I was young and naive when I was getting 90 points. I didn't realize that I wouldn't be paid so early in my career due to the CBA. It was a mistake to waste those seasons on a team that didn't pay for them. It wasn't Joe that took the peddle off the metal, it was me."

During the season of 94-95, The size and scope of Joe's Greed would finally demand a resolution. Joe's Greed was getting so large by this point that It actually injured Joe, and he was sidelined with problems to his knees. His knees could not hold the weight of Joe's Greed any longer.

"My contract was ending, and I wanted what I was worth, not a penny less. Did I care that I was the Captain of the team? Hells no. I cared about one thing, and that's the bottom line." Joe's Greed tells

Ironically, at the end of the 95 season, Joe would win the King Clancy Memorial Trophy, an award given to hockey players who display exemplarily leadership qualities on and off the ice. Ironic, because after winning this award, Joe and his Greed would immediately hold out on the Flames organization for a new contract.

"I wanted 2 million dollars a year. That was probably 20% of the Flames budget, but you know what, I'm worth it. I scored 102 goals in my first two years in the league, which was only 7 years removed at the time. It wasn't like they had other stars to pay or anything. It's all about me, and I knew it." Joe's Greed tells

Joe's Greed made it clear to Joe that playing the 95 season was not going to happen unless he had a contract, and that It wouldn't accept a contract for anything less than 2 million dollars a season. The Flames were wary of giving Joe the money, due to the fact that they couldn't afford to and still ice a competitive team, but also due to the fact that Joe's Greed had wrecked Joe's knees and back, and the Flames were not sure he would hold up.

"Baseless. If there is a dollar on the table, I am playing, bad knees or no. They know how big I am. They had nothing to worry about." Said Joe's Greed.

Regardless of the assurances from Joe's Greed, the Flames would not accede to Joe and his Greeds demands for a new contract. Held over a barrel, they would try to negotiate with Joe and his greed for about 4 months. With the realization that Joe would not be back in a Flames jersey, the Flames traded Joe to Dallas, for a forgettable centre and one Jarome Iginla. It was the best thing that Joe ever did for the organization.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Some Numbers

One, two, three: FUCK!

Feel better? We imagine you don't, and won't, until blood has been shed on the streets. Fine, we get that. We are cool with that. We probably even agree with you, maybe, depending on the wind. But we don't want to ruin a good day by shitting on a down team.

So, who do we start not shitting on? Do you want to start with Jarome? Let's start with Jarome. That guy skates in this city, he never gets critiqued. He never answers a question, doesn't do charity, nothing. Guy is a venereal disease.

Now we know Kent and RO and the advanced stats guys are like "Dudes, WTF, where's Qualcomp? Zone Starts? Corsi? GVT? What the fuck are y'all giving us counting stats for?". Which is cool. We will get to the advanced stats when we do a 'The One On...' and this isn't that. 

What we want you to notice is the cap numbers and the PPG. As this is a cap space league, we go by the notion that you have to play to your cap number. Guys below Jarome's 0.8625 PPG? Lecavalier, Gomez, Vanek, Drury, Briere, Smyth, Elias, Cammalleri. Of those, Lacavalier, Gomez, and Vanek and Drury make more than Jarome. So it could be worse.

Did you notice our brand spanking new stat? $/P or Dollar Per Point is our attempt to balance this chart, as we have people who make 10 million through people who make 6, which is a huge range. We get that the salary range scews this number a bit, but we think it is illuminating. It cost the Flames $101,449.30 per point that Jarome scored. The average was $106,160.60, so you could say that the Flames got a slight deal. The worst value was Drury, obviously, at $227,419.40 per point. The most efficient team, Vancouver, spent $57,009.35 per point the uglier twin generated. 

Take it for what you will. Just by looking at the chart, I think it is fair to say that there are minimum numbers Jarome has to reach. 80 points is one of them. 32 Goals for a guy in Jarome's price range isn't that crazy relative the league and what other teams spent, and his assist numbers are not that terrible for his price range. the problem, of course, is the rest of the Flames suck shit covered donkey balls, and Jarome probably needs to outperform his contract for the team to win if he is stuck with his current teammates. Sort of.

Outperform a 7 million dollar contract? Yeah, that is what we said, only there are plenty of caveats to that statement.
That's the chart for 40 goal scorers. We say Jarome needs to outperform his contract, and the numbers show that. If you take Stamkos out, the average is 8 million (7.934). And now for the caveats. We can take another angle on this.

Now that is pretty damning. Obviously, there are a few guys on this list having career years. Burrows, Samuelsson, Jokinen, which, because they don't make that much, pushes average salary down. It would appear that Jarome got paid 7 million dollars and put in a 5 million dollar performance. On a good team, you can live with that, but on a Flame team with nobody on it save Jarome, you can't.

Hey, did you guys notice what we did looking at these numbers? It is easy to be a good GM in this league if you have about 5 players outperform their contracts and all have career years at the same time. Vancouver's GM is a genius. Or lucky.

We actually like Jarome here at Domebeers. We think he is one of the few talented players the Flames have, so this call to trade him is not endorsed here. It isn't Jarome's fault he plays on a line featuring absofuckinglutely nobody else. More numbers.

We are below the average in the stats that count: Goals, Assists, PPG, and +/-. We kinda cheap out on our best 3 forwards (points), spending 14.25 million when the average was 19.02. That difference, roughly 5 million dollars, buys a team a lot of quality. I think it is fair to say that this team spends too much money on its defence, which takes away the money needed to improve the talent level of the forwards. Off the top of our heads, Staios and Sarich are more than that 5 million dollars. Inefficient spending is what is killing this team.

On the topic of inefficient spending, and how good teams don't spend their money on the defence, but rather on the forwards:
We are not too old. We spend too much money in areas we shouldn't. The lack of resources in the forwards is the reason we don't have talented forwards on this team. On top of that, we overspend on the defence, which means we don't have any money to put into the forwards. Again, Sarich and Staios will immediately come to mind, but the Domebeer-aholics know the real cap space eating fuck head is J '0.08+' Blow. And Kotalik. Boy, that guy is one easy motherfucker to hate on.

We think Jarome is the last guy this offence starved team should be trading, and we think the fortunes of this Flame squad has more to do with the disappearance of the supporting cast than the disappearance of the Captain. Or, In other words, we don't have another talented forward on this team not named Jarome. Play a full season, Bourque. An example of underperformance not named Kotalik, Hagman, or Stajan? 8 goals, David Moss? Step your fucking game up, and all that. More on that angle in the coming days and weeks.

Looking at these numbers, it would be hard to argue against the notion that Darryl fucked up. His defence first vision has not worked. Someone should tell the guy, before he gets drunk and surly, that you have to score goals to win hockey games. 

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Jarome's Summer Vacation

I don't know if it was me or what, but I did not think the Flames played with enough urgency, heart, whatever, yesterday afternoon in Chicago. The numbers say different, that they played decent, but that to me is another reason stats are often bunk. Mercifully, the game was also on WGN, so I did not have to sit through the mountain of audible shit that is a Sportsnet broadcast. One of the stats that the Americans had was this little gem: 7:23 into the second period, the Flames had registered just 2 shots on net. Just 2 shots, in a must win game.

Not happy to say the least. It isn't over, but it is over. Colorado basically has to lose all their remaining for us to have a chance. Not impossible, but I wouldn't bet the house, as the kids on Colorado don't seem to be ready for a vacation yet. Speaking of people on vacation, Jarome looks like he has his golf vacation booked and payed for, and dammit, he aignt going to lose that deposit on account of this loser team making the playoffs.

So Jarome, where you going?

The Phoenician Resort

This little gem in the desert features a championship quality 27 holes, a bar on the golf course, and most importantly, offers private lessons. And judging by Jarome's inability to put a puck into the net, he is going to need all the help he can get when it comes to putting that ball in the hole. Also, it has a river, and we all know how Jarome likes to get liquored up and go swimming.

West Chase Golf Club

Minutes from the airport, which is important when you gotta get away from those pesky reporters who keep asking you 'Ay yo, why don't you score anymore?', this Tampa treasure is a world renowned golfing pleasure. They are going to be playing the Masters Pro Am Tournament at this course this year, which means it is 'swanky digs'. The tourney starts April 10th, and although I didn't see Jarome's name on the participants list, I gotta believe he is on it. What else explains his efforts to tank this team (he last scored on March 19th, as in 17 days ago)?

The National Golf Club Of Canada

I would bet my last hockey puck Jarome is hitting this place up first. After all, the dude just loves playing for the country. Excels at it, really. You tell Jarome he is playing for a team that he doesn't draw a paycheque from, and you watch that handicap just drop. Fuck, have you seen his international resume? The handicap probably just disappears altogether. Well, as long as Sid the Kid can be his caddy. Stajan and Langkow are just not first line caddy material.

Priddis Greens

This one is in Calgary, it is a local course. Jarome has scored 15 goals at home this year, so it is 50/50 as to whether he shows up. Also, because it is local, Jarome can take the other big money bust, J-Blow, out golfing with him and they won't have to worry about driving home.

Looks like a pretty solid trip you got planned, Jarome. The fans can go fuck themselves, you got golfing to get to. I understand, believe me. Allow me to steal a line from lighterside: Golf, Flames, Golf!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Week Ahead

Next week, on

- Player Analysis

-  Post Season Preview

- Salmagundi

- Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

Bullet point grammar rules. No shitting.

Need a laugh after that game? Me too.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.