Friday, March 26, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means one thing: Tiger Woods just did something creepy with a pornstar.

What? Oh, yeah, it is also time for the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC)!

Very, very difficult decision this week. The big news of the week is of course the Democrats passing a healthcare bill. Not to get super political, but I am pretty sure that when Fidel Castro is praising you, then you have fucked up big. Speaking of fuck ups, we had everyones favourite coked out fireballer, Dwight Gooden, show up on the radar again. Seems he likes to get high before driving his kid to school. Dwight, you are not the one who is about to have to write that pop quiz in Science class or beef with little Ricky during recess. Give the drugs to your kid, Dwight, he is the one who could use them. While we are on the topic of substance abuse at schools, we also have this little gem from Thermal, California. Seems a local school there is full of such shit children that it drove the teacher to pill popping and excessive drinking. The douchebag principal actually suspended the teacher over the little incident. Why? What could possibly go wrong with young children and a drunk authority figure? Anyways, you can see why this was such a tough choice.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Brett 'The Hitman' Hart.



Take that, Sasso. Fat!

Wrestlemania 26 is just around the corner, and Domebeers is here to offer the gamblers out there a little guidance. Mike Richards likes to talk a lot of junk about gambling, but you won't find this type of insight on his show.

CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio: Take Rey Mysterio
A heavily tattooed white man fighting a heavily tattooed latino man. In a battle of the tattoos, we go with who has the most bad ass one, and hands down, Rey Mysterio, that would be you.

Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase vs. Cody Rhodes (Triple Threat Match): Take Cody Rhodes
Who Vs What Vs Where? 3 greasy, greasy looking dudes in speedo's grappling each other. Just like at the Vatican. Whatever. Cody Rhodes dad was Dusty Rhodes, and that's good enough for me.

Triple H vs. Sheamus: Take HHH
Triple H, so funny. HHH is Triple H, but that is neither here nor there. All you need to know is that HHH is married to the boss mans daughter, and the dude he is fighting is whiter than those Dr. Dre Dr. Pepper commercials.

Unified Tag Team Champion Big Show & The Miz vs. John Morrison & R-Truth: Take Morrison & Truth
Uhh, R Truth raps his own entrance music when he comes to the ring. I'm pretty sure I have never heard of Morrison or Miz, and I am sure they are delightful fellows, but they don't rap their own music entrance.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Take Pain

World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho vs. Edge: Take Jericho
A battle of two sort of Canadians. Fun times. Jericho trains in Calgary, I believe, which means we will have to keep him away from NSD if we want to avoid him getting covered in the same stench of nauseating disappointment that the Flames have (who also train at NSD). Edge is from Toronto, or something. Yeah, I know.

WWE Champion Batista vs. John Cena: Take Cena
I couldn't care less about this match. Guess who is coming up after this one? Fucking right, Brett Hart.

Bret Hart vs. Mr. McMahon: Take Hart
Apparently, back in the day, there was some sort of incident involving these two. I can't seem to recall what it was about, but I am fairly certain they did not include Vince killing Brets brother or screwing him out of a storybook ending to his WWF career. Bet the house on this one, folks. Bret just won the RTPIC, after all.

The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels: Take Undertaker
Oh man that Bret Hart match was something else, eh? Fucking sweet, if you ask me. Did you see when he hit Vince with that chair? Holy shit that was awesome. And when Bret went off the tope ropes? That was insane. Man, that was so cool! Bret kept punching McMahon, and then McMahon got help and you thought he was going to win, but then Bret turned it around and put the Sharpshooter on Vince! What? 'Taker and Micheals are fighting? Who cares man, did you see when Bret hit Vince with that chair..
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I think you can officially add relish to the Flames. Obituary to follow, and all that. From the little bit of last nights game that I caught, one thought: It is nice to see that the Captain knows there are only a handful of games remaining.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Apologia

Sorry, Domebeer-aholics. No post today. Work got in the way. Fuck work, yeah, we hear you. We had planned to introduce a new feature, Legends Of Flames, but we don't want it to suck, so we aren't going to post a rushed job. A double post Friday? Maybe, not likely, but maybe. We will probably introduce it Monday. First up is Joe Nieuwendyk. Readers of this site may have an inkling as to where we are going with this. Fuck it, heres a taste:



Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The One On Jay Blow

Jay-Blow Sucks. 73 games, 2 goals, 24 assists. For 6.680 million dollars in cap space. Yum.

We don't really do advanced stats here at Domebeers, and that is because we haven't decided which ones we like. Also, we don't know what half of them mean. A popular one with the Domesphere seems to be the Corsi stat. I found a couple of takes on the stat, one that says it isn't great, and one that says it is. What is important is this, if you buy in: Jay Blow sucked ass last year, and I don't think it was Florida.

That was last year, what about this year? Well, at behindthenet they got more advanced stats then you can shake a stick at. Glancing over to the Flames, and more specifically, the defence, we see that, well, J Blow still sucks. Also, hockeystats seems to think he sucks as well. It does not appear that advanced stats are your friend, J Blow. Which isn't good for him, because the caveman stats of 2 goals and 24 assists at 6.680 million in cap space say that he really, really fucking sucks.

I mean, sure, I can accept that Ian White is a better defenceman than I am, as I don't play in the NHL. I can't accept that Ian White is a better defenceman then a 3rd overall draft pick, who has been paid damn near 35 million dollars to come here and be the hero. That would be you, J Blow. At least you aren't as pugly as Ian White. Small miracles.

Let us get a little more specific. J Blow doesn't suck in a vacuum. He sucks because of one thing: 6.680 million dollars in cap space. If he made 1 million dollars, it would be hard to sit here and say the guy is a dog and thief, because at that cap hit, he wouldn't be. But at 6.680, his numbers aren't nearly where they should be, which means cap dollars are being wasted on him. I am not against wasting cap space if your name is Jarome Iginla. I have a huge problem with wasting cap space if your name is J Blow, and you have no equity with the fan base, and you were brought in to be 'The Man' and you have so far shown to be 'The Skirt Wearing Loser'.

Hey, I got an idea! Let's look at his peers, and see where he ranks. For this little experiment, I am saying J Blows peers are people who make within 1 million dollars of his 6.680 million dollar annual cap hit. Numbers are from NHL.COM and BEHINDTHENET. This is what the damage looks like:


Well now. That isn't very flattering to J Blow. Below average in everything but the salary department. Really, what more can you say? The numbers tell the story that we all see every night: J Blow makes too much money for the value he produces. Colour me shocked that Darryl Sutter overpaid on a player. The one thing that I think you can take away from this as a positive is that J Blow is one of the younger cats on the list. Salivate over the potential I guess. Oh yeah, to be fair, J Blow can also eat minutes. Let us hope he doesn't turn into Barry Zito.

Stats are good, and stats are nice, but poor stats aren't the only reasons to hate on J Blow. There are plenty of visceral reasons! Let's get to some of them:

J Blow, why don't you ever hit anybody? You know your 6'4, 212 right? Your a bigger hombre than Reggie, and I'd bet my last dollar you wouldn't make it out of the first round if you had to fight him. You don't have the killer instinct that a Pronger or even a Chara has, which makes you look like a complete bitch, no offense. On that same line, why haven't you fought anybody yet? Most of the time when a new player comes to the Flames, one of the first things they do is fight somebody. Last night, what was the first things Darryls kid did, J Blow? And little Sutter is not 6'4, 212. People say Vandermeer sucked, but at least the dude played with some passion and would drop the gloves.

Speaking of passion, J Blow, where is yours? You play like a guy who is trying to not get yelled at by the coach, not a player who wants to help his teammates win hockey games. Seriously, J Blow, I have never seen anyone with your skating ability play the game of hockey so safe. You can skate you fucking jackass, take some risks. Enter the zone, press in from the point, do what Boyle used to and Doughty does now. Honestly, this is what pisses me off the most about you, J Blow. You have the talent to play in the offensive zone like a Niedermayer or a Boyle or a Doughty or a Campbell, and those players are little skin and bone midgets compared to you. You could be one of the baddest men on an ice rink, and you choose not to be. I don't fucking get it.

Other shit I don't get? Why the hell the Flames went out and traded for your butt buddy, Steven Staios. I mean, we are paying your ass 6.680 million a year in average salary, J Blow, and we had to go out and get a 3 million dollar defenceman so you could have someone to play with? Are you fucking kidding me? People can blame Darryl all they want over that acquisition, and the buck does stop with the GM, but we all know who lobbied for that garbage trade, J Blow.

While we are on the topic of garbage, J Blow, let us get to your interviews. We (the collective that makes up Domebeers) knew Dion was faking his 'I am a retard' style because we saw him down at the bars and could see the kid had personality. He just didn't want to talk to the media. With you, J Blow, who can be so sure? You come off as a loser, which means we haven't seen you around the bars. Your girlfriend doesn't let you out, J Blow? Fuck man, do you even own a cool car? I bet you drive around in a minivan. Anyways, you come off as the kid who is looking up at his mom for permission to speak. Which would make sense, I suppose: You play sans testicles because you don't have any balls.

Can you even grow a beard, J Blow?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Have You Seen This Man?

Missing Persons Report: David Moss


Name: David Moss
Born: 1981
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 200
Occupation: Hockey Player

Last Time Seen: The majority of reports have David last seen at the corner of 2008 - 2009 Season street. He was reported to be in the company of 20 goals and 19 assists. All observers testify to the fact that he handed the 20 goals and 19 assists over to one Darryl Sutter in exchange for 3.9 million dollars. Some concerned citizens have sworn they saw him on March 5, 2010, at the Saddledome, where it was reported he scored a goal.

Possible Locations: David Moss used to be able to be found in front of the oppositions hockey net, but has not been seen in those parts for quite some time. David also used to frequent the corners of the rink, but has also stopped going down there, for reasons unknown. Due to this, there is speculation you will be able to find David floating and ineffective at the peripheries of the oppositions offensive zone.

If Found: Please call 911 or 403-777-4646 if you have any information as to the whereabouts of one David Moss.
...

Well, we all knew #3 was going to kill somebody eventually. Thank God that Langkow is a tough son of a bitch and wasn't going to let a little piece of vulcanized rubber fired at 80 plus miles an hour hitting his spine keep him from walking. Mans game, Mr. Langkow. The Domebeers crew wishes you a fast recovery.

In unrelated news, Conroy is the only guy on this team that can win a faceoff now. Mazel Tuv, GM Sutter.

Oh, and Flames, even if your not making the Playoffs, could you still act like you care? I mean, you are still charging for tickets, after all. How you guys look at yourselves in the mirror after Minnesota is beyond me. Good to see Chucky Kobasew show up for a Flames game. Thanks for that.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Fire Peter Loubardias

After last night’s inspiring performance, it is becoming more and more clear that our beloved Calgary Flames will not reach the post season. A good dose of Domebeers optimism wasn't even enough to sway the hockey gods and deliver our boys a better fate. In light of the expectations of a Stanley Cup that this team had on it's shoulders at the beginning of the season, and the current position it now holds, change must be made. Someone must be held accountable for the colossal failure that has been this season.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, I submit that one Peter Loubardias be brought to the guillotine. 

Now, it pains us here at Domebeers to say this, as Peter has been so generous with his time when it comes to speaking with us, but he really has dropped the ball during his time with the Flames. While he does sport a healthy 82-57-15 record since joining the big club, these numbers don't tell the whole story. Under Loubardias, the goals against has ballooned, the commitment to defence hasn't been there, the desire to win puck battles has waned. In short, under his tenor, Vince Carterness has flourished on the team, and he has done nothing to attempt to check it's venomous influence. Unacceptable.

Off ice, Loubardias has been embroiled in a variety of issues. Whether it be recommending restaurants to the enemy,  refereeing locker room fights, or helping cover Tigers tracks, Loubardias can't seem to stay away from trouble. While he might not be the cause of the negativity, he certainly seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time quite a bit. It looks bad on the organization.

Now, even putting these serious issues aside, which is admittedly quite difficult, Loubardias should still be fired for his performance as the Play by Play man for the Calgary Flames. In all honesty, Charlie Simmer, who has the best hair on television, should also be fired. But we aren't talking about Simmer today, we are talking Peter 'SKEEEYORES' Loubardias, and the level of suck he brings to the table that has not been seen since Jenna Jameson retired. 

Peter Loubardias is not a good play by play man. Anyone who has seen a Flames game on TV knows this. But 'Loubardias sucks' is, understandably, not going to get him fired. More meat needs to be added to that bone, and we are happy to provide it. Loubardias sucks for several concrete reasons:

1: Tone of voice

Loubardias has a whiney voice, and that is because he never learned how to speak properly. I am serious. Any vocal coach will tell you that a nasal voice is a) fucking terrible to listen too and b) eminently fixable. Loubardias must think his vocal style is cute when it is in fact nails on chalkboard awful, and nobody at Rogers seems to be willing to say something to him. It doesn't help that he copies Foster Hewitt's style, which produces a lot of whiney, high nasal 'SKYEEEORES' calls. God I hate that shit.

2: Weird Calls

I bet I could spend an entire day on this, and if we got on the radio and opened up the phone lines, it would take all week. Loubardias has some weird fucking calls. The collective that is Domebeers has its favourites: 'He shoots, he misses' to the tone of 'He shoots, he SKYEEEORES' being at the top of the list. But there are more, oh yes, there are more. Just in this last week we have been treated to the gem of 'A large collision of human bodies' to describe a routine body check. I mean, seriously, what the fuck, Peter? Who talks like that? We already know his peers don't listen to his telecasts when they don't have too, and I can see why. What makes Loubardias and his passion for weird calls so annoying is that he has a hall of famer in Peter Maher to emulate, and seemingly chooses not too, which is, well, fucking weird. 

3: He is Boring

Not really sure how I can quantify boredom. This is one of those points that you will have to trust me on, and trust me, Loubardias is boring. It certainly doesn't help that the Flames play lackluster and boring hockey, but that doesn't stop Peter Maher from making every game sound like an exciting must see on the radio. He comes off as laid back and even keel, and while these may be great attributes to have out in the real world, when speaking to an audience through a television, it only adds to the boredom that is a Calgary Flames hockey game. The fact that he doesn't seem to be able to identify moments of boredom and dress them up with a story or funny quip speaks to his level of talent as a play by play man in my (and Domebeers) opinion.

4: Junior Guy Who Shares No Junior Stories

Loubardias is what he is, and that is a junior hockey play by play man who does Flames game as a favour to Sportsnet. I would be more inclined to accept that state of affairs if Loubardias brought to the Flames telecast the knowledge he has of the junior game. Why don't I hear about what junior team this player played on, and who he played with on it, and what they did, and how they came to their pro hockey teams? Why don't I hear stories about Flames prospects, and how they are doing, and if they are progressing like they should? Loubardias would know, if anybody would, as he loves junior hockey the same way I love tits and beer, but I hear none of that stuff during a broadcast. Why he doesn't showcase his best asset is way beyond me.

5: Isn't a Homer

Domebeers loves homers. I mean, it is that simple. The best play by play guy in baseball is Hawk Harrelson (and full disclosure, I am a Cubs fan, so that isn't easy to write) because he loves the White Sox so much. People complain about him, but that is because they don't want to pay for their teams sports station, and have to listen on the White Sox feed. It is a baseless complaint. I could never understand the people in this city and their complaint over Roger Millions homerism. Well, fuck yeah he is a homer, the dudes Calgarian! I am watching a Flames broadcast right? I want a play by play guy who cheers for the team he is calling. If that pisses off the Edmontonians watching, then good. Fuck em if they can't take a joke. The only times Loubardias has shown flashes of being a good broadcaster is when he gets catty at the refs and takes the Flames back, which doesn't happen nearly often enough, but when it does, it is endearing, and it looks good on him. At least Roger liked the team he was broadcasting.

6: Called Oiler Games

We got Loubardias because they tried to put him on the Oiler games as a play by play guy and the producers at Sportsnet are Oiler fans, and when they saw the performance Loubardias was giving, they decided they would fuck with the Flames and their fans and stick him on our broadcast. Let me repeat: The guy couldn't stick with the Oilers broadcast, and we have had him on ours for almost 2 years now.

7: He Looks Like The Crypt Keeper

Until the next time boils and ghouls pleasant screams

What can be done?

Well, Click This Link. It directs you to Sportsnet's handy comment form. Fill it out and tell them that you want changes in the booth. Be polite, we want them to read these after all. It isn't what you say that is so important, but the amount of times you say it. If we can flood Sportsnet with emails, this will effect change. One written letter is worth 1000 emails, so if you have the time, write a letter and send them some snail mail. Again, be polite, but firm when you request they fire Loubardias. I simply wrote that I would like to see changes with the booth, I would like to see someone Flames related on the broadcast, and I think Peter Loubardias should be replaced. No swearing, which was hard. I also directed them to this post, as Domebeers cannot miss an opportunity to pimp.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Week Ahead

Next week on Domebeers.com:


- Salmagundi

- Fire Loubardias Campaign
- Coaching Adventures of Brent Sutter
 
- Roman Turek Profiles In Courage Award
 
And much more!
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I am getting a lot of love over the Road Tie Q&A. Mucho Gracias. We will try to do funny stuff like that more often, maybe once a week, but I promise nothing.
 
Vancouver, fuck you. The Oilers managed to get it done, although how Oiler was it for them to get scored on with 0.2 seconds left in the third. Man that wasn't pleasing. Anyways, I'll admit I was cheering for the team from Emo city last night . Where the hell do you go to get that stain taken out of your soul?
 
The top team in the league, Chicago, is beatable. If you watch them on WGN you get the feeling the locals are worried. Good, they should be. Calgary will be coming to town, and we actually have a goaltender.
 
Mikka: SV%: .923
Huet: SV%: .899
Niemi: SV%: .909
 
Call me crazy, but if the Flames get out of the first round, they could take this thing to the Finals. We would have to slay SJ and Vancouver along the way, but I don't think that is impossible.
 
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.