Holy fuck. The dating world is full of freaks.
So I met this girl, Asian because of course, and we are chatting or whatever. I think I met her on one of the STI apps, bumble or tinder. Could have been a real life meet but my real life meets are usually less damaged. Whatever, doesn't matter. I met this girl and we are chatting. Using Whatsapp or some shit. Because I can't get pictures when chicks text me, so I have to use other shit. The savvy ones send me them over Snapchat because they disappear after, but this chick is sending them over Whatsapp. Again, whatever, not important. Point is, we are chatting.
I'm fresh off the defeat in 'game seven' of NCHL playoffs, where my very cool and fun team lost in the city championships with a Flames versus Ducks like effort. Regular readers will recall that I almost always make the finals in some sport I'm playing but I have never in my life actually won the finals. So second place, yet again. I'm kinda pissed that we weren't able to take the trophy home, so I send her a text saying so. Something like "lost in the finals, sadz" or some shit. The content doesn't matter. "I can cheer you up" is what I was fishing for, and what I got back.
Obviously I say "sure" because I am an empty human being who uses women for sex in a perpetual bid to forget some girl who broke my heart a long time ago. She then tells me she doesn't have a car. Great. Where do you live? It's actually not that far away so I say I'll come over. I can't though, I'm informed, because she lives in the living room of an apartment and she has roommates and blah blah blah. Whatever, I'll come pick you up, be outside.
I arrive and of course the girl makes me wait 15 minutes before coming down. It's like 1 am. I am not a happy camper at this point but what are you going to do. I don't love fucking in the Challenger, so I drive her to my place. I'm planning to take my displeasure about having to pick her up and having to wait on the poor girls throat and punani. So I'm cheering up.
The girl starts to pull some shit when we get back to my place, you know, it's 1, 130, and she called me to have sex, but she doesn't want to look easy. Fucking women. I'm not in the mood so I laugh and just assume the sale and the girl is in my bed pretty quickly. She hits me with 'use a condom'. Fuck. I won't get into it but only a certain subsection of the population get STD's and because I don't fuck schvwartes I don't use condoms. This asian bitch insists on it though.
So it's like 1:30 AM, on a Thursday for fucks sake, and I'm about to get my fuck on. Usually I eat pussy but this chick has me in a bad mood so I don't go down on her, I just use my hand. I get her started, and I tell her to suck my dick. The bitch could not suck a dick. It was amazing. Like, not in a good way amazing, like when you hear that Troy Brouwer got another contract amazing. It was terrible. She literally left teeth marks on my cock.
I stop the most awful BJ I've ever had and put a condom on. I was initially going to have her use her mouth to put my condom on but at that point I was worried about my safety. I've already been circumcised once, don't need to do it again. Condom goes on and I put it in the girl and...holy fuck.
Now I just want to set the scene a little. I am not rocking a 14 foot cock. I'm a normal guy, normal size. I'm not in any porn movies, ok? Nothing special. Ok? Well, I put my cock in this girl and she starts SCREAMING. Like, SCREAMING. The caps don't do it justice. She is loud. LOUD.
Now, I can't lie, when it first happens it is a bit of an ego boost. I think she is just doing it to make me feel good, fully expecting it will quiet down in a few strokes. Nope. I keep going and she keeps SCREAMING. Like, I look down expecting to see blood or something, she's making it sound like I'm hurting her.
It's almost 2 AM on a Thursday. I live with my brother. He's literally in the next room. I can't have this bitch SCREAMING all night. Normally I'd stuff a chicks panties in her mouth if she's being noisy, but I can't find her panties. She's naked, I can't use her tshirt as a gag. I don't have anything around, so I cover her mouth. Protip: All chicks want to be raped, so when you cover their mouths in a brutish manner they get wet. So instead of quieting this bitch down, the hand over the mouth gets her hot and she starts getting louder. Like, she's trying to be loud through my hand.
I had enough. I'm too old for this shit. I faked an orgasm. I was actually very happy at that point that I was wearing a condom, because it does allow a male to fake an orgasm. I tell her I came, rip that condom off and throw it in the trash before she can see it, and forgo the cuddle and basically take the bitch home immediately after.
Tough too, because she was kind of cute. But as I was fucking her and she kept SCREAMING all I could think about was that it would be like this every time. Women give me a headache as it is. I couldn't live with sex that loud.
To make the matter more absurd, we are chatting a few days later (don't burn bridges and all that) and she tells me that she had gotten out of a relationship and I was the first guy she had been with in a few months. The guy she was dating? A Jamaican. Those dudes pack.
Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.