Howdy stanger. Been awhile.
I have a problem. It's not a fun problem, so I don't really want to talk about it with people I know. So I figured I'd share it with the internet. Nobody reads this blog anymore anyways. Safe space.
I can't cum. Well, I can, but not when I'm fucking a girl. It's...disconcerting, to say the least.
I've had this problem since at least the summer. And I don't know why. It's really messing me up though. Sex is fun and all that, but without a 'payoff', so to speak, I'm starting to just view it as a (pleasant) cardio exercise. And who likes cardio? I don't.
I noticed the problem when I met a girl in the summer. If you follow my twitter you may know about her. She was a Sri Lankan. Hot chick. Hourglass figure. Tits and ass. Curves. Usually I go for skinny heroin addict looking girls, so this was a new type for me. I quite liked it.
And she could fuck. Last year I got into 'pick up' and 'red pill' stuff, which kinda boils down to 'be confident and dominant'. And boy did she respond to that shit. I wonder if anybody had treated her like that before. I think she was used to guys walking on egg shells. I didn't, I just took her. Didn't even ask. And she loved it, I think, because her response...it was good. Didn't say anything when I took the rope out to tie her up. Loved the handcuffs. Enjoyed fucking in fake-risque places (like I'd open my blinds up and fuck her on my living room couch. She liked the thrill of 'someone might see us'). She was kinda a freak, and I liked it. That's the reason I still miss her. She was boring otherwise.
But the point: For three months, three or four times a week, I was dominating this hot girl, she was basically letting me do whatever I wanted to her body, and you know how many times I came? Once. One time. One freaking time. And that was from her giving me a handjob, where I had to grab her hand and guide her.
One time. What the hell is wrong with me?
After she split, I've gone on a bit of a hoe parade. She left in November, and I've had some girls since. Same thing. Can't cum. Now, not all of those girls were as good in bed, they wouldn't let me choke and bite and spit in their faces, which is fine but if bad guy fucking isn't doing it for me then you can imagine my boredom with nice guy fucking. And some of the girls just weren't hot. If you follow my twitter you may have heard my news year story, for instance (that's a good one, actually). But a hot wet hole is a hot wet hole. I just can't cum.
Now the current girl I'm running with is an Asian girl. She's cute enough but I'm not animal attracted to her. Still, she's a freak. She's freakier than the Sri Lankan. I literally left bruises on her, and she loved it. Still: I can't cum for this poor girl. She has begged me to cum in her mouth and I can't do it. Imagine that. What a fucking nightmare.
And honestly, I feel bad for these girls. Girls like making a guy cum. They do. It's like an accomplishment to them. I think it hurts their self esteem when they can't make me explode. I can see it in their eyes. I have to come up with excuses so they don't get sad. I'm nervous. I'm tired. I'm whatever. It's not you, baby, it's me.
And it could be. What I'm going to try is to go cold turkey on masturbation. That way the only way I'll be able to get some release is with a woman. That should reset my brain, I hope. Fuck, I hope.
Or it could be the women. I'm old enough I should know what I want, but maybe I don't. Or maybe it's the way I'm having sex. I mean, I'm having sex with girls who I barely know. There is no emotional attachment. Maybe that's what I need. But that wouldn't explain why I couldn't cum in the Sri Lankan. Or maybe it does. Maybe I didn't have any attachment to her beyond sex.
I really don't know. I'm grasping at straws. I just know the inability to bust a nut with a girl is driving me crazy, and I had to get it off my chest.