Friday, October 19, 2018


For those that didn't know, the Flames removed the smoking areas from the Saddledome this year. 

I used to use those smoking areas to meet girls.

Through two games this season, I haven't gotten a single phone number. I've barely seen any pussy worth pursuing. It's tragic.

I need the smoking areas back. Sign the fucking petition.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Is This The Most Vancouver Thing Ever?

From Sportsnet: Panthers' Matheson had death threats after hit on Canucks Petterson 

"...but there are thousands of people commenting things on my social media pages — sending me (Matheson) death threats, wishing I would commit suicide or get cancer — that’s bringing things to a whole new level. People have even threatened my dog.”"

Threatening someone's dog.  "We're going to light your dog on fire bro" Bong hit.

Never change, Vancouver. Never change.

Calgary Flames Post: On Deterrents

Johnny Hockey is getting hit a lot this season, and it is causing quite the concern among the locals.

Or maybe not. When I drove to work this morning the sports morning show guys didn't bring it up, and I missed Peter Maher on the other station, so I don't know if he brought it up. But normal people are talking about it, I talked about it in the stands with the fellow fans at the game last night, and Eric Francis wrote an article on the national sport website about it.

I'm assuming it's a topic.

Now, I will admit, I like enforcers. I will also admit that Team Enforcer has lost this war, and the enforcer is effectively dead. So how do you protect Johnny from hits, late hits, dirty hits, in this new wide open age?

To me, the answer is simple, and the answer is to answer. That is, if a team hits Johnny late, then someone on the Flames needs to hit the other teams star player after the whistle. If someone knees on knees Johnny, then someone on the Flames should slew foot the other teams star player. And on and on.

Eye for an eye. Answer dirty or late or cheap hits with dirty or late or cheap hits of your own. I think that's the only way to do it in this open age of no enforcers.

There are other things that should happen, but won't, but I will still suggest them. The biggest guy on the Flames side, as far as forwards go, when Johnny is on the ice is Monahan. Monahan is going to have to stand up for Johnny one of these days. Now, when I say that, I mean it like: If Johnny is hit, Monahan should find the smallest opposition forward that is on the ice, and go attack him. Not every game, but at least once, and the earlier the better.

I have another idea about this, I call this one the nuclear option, and that is that the next time Johnny takes a late or dirty hit, the Flames coach should send his entire bench over the boards and start a brawl. The purpose of this in reality isn`t to beat up the other team: It`s to send a message to the NHL, and essentially embarrass them into protecting the star player.

Is there any other league in the North America where you could hit a star player after the whistle and not get ejected from the game? I want to keep hockey hockey, but I'm not paying 2 grand a seat for my season tickets to watch scrubs play. I pay it to see players like 13. So last night, as an example, when Johnny got hit after the whistle in the third, the refs gave the guy a 2 minute interference penalty. Ok. They should have given the guy another 2 minutes for unsportsmanlike, or roughing. He should have received a four minute penalty. 

So, to summarize, I think the solution with regards to Johnny getting hit isn't to ice a slug who can't play to fight another slug who can't play. I think it's to ice a player who will go after the other teams good players.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Go Shit On Calgary Politicians Attempt To Steal Our Money For A Vanity Project

The would be thieves have a website set up to 'hear' from the citizenry about the looting of the treasury under the guise of the olympics.

Go shit on it.

My suggestion? Say something like: We could be spending this money on libraries! The 'yes we want to burn our money on a pile' crowd hate that shit.

Remember, use judo. The 'yes' crowd are cucks. So use the shit cucks love as a negative against the olympics.


- We could be using this money to heal the wounds of the aboriginal community

- This money could be better used furthering the integration of woman and minorities into the fabric of society

- I'd rather see this money used to enhance the experience of the LGBT community

- The environmental impact of the games will take mother earth centuries to recover from

- Rather than use this money to throw a party for the rich, this money could be used to help the poor

You know, shit like that. Make them choose between their fake pious bullshit and their desire for the olympics. I think it's a good tactic.

President Trump Is The Only Human Being On The Planet To Ever Get A Refund From A Hooker.

Not my line. I saw it on the internet. But it was too good not to share.

Dude's had a good few months here. He hasn't even outed the domestic spying operation against him yet. Does he bomb the agencies pre or post midterms?

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Pepsi's New York Area Commercial Is Terrible

First off, my new season tickets in the 'Dome are sweet. I can't go back to sitting in the 300's now. I'd give up my tickets rather than move back. Sitting in the second feel like a human. You can see the jumbotron, you can see the fire, you can see the players, and most importantly, the fans you sit with are also fans of the home team. Just a better game experience all around.

The $10.50 beers are real. Fuck that. They did this 'happy hour' thing that went to game start where beers were half off, which was cool. The beer guy said that was a home opener thing though, and usually happy hour ends well before the game starts. Fuck that. I'm listening to ESPN New York Radio and they just played a Pepsi commercial and I'm going to lose my mind.

First off, it's one of those new Pepsi commercials ("This is the pepsi your mom drank") and it's voiced by a guy who sounds like a dweeb, as it is. So this guy goes: This is the pepsi you drink courtside while your team gets a breakaway and (and then the 'announcer' in the background goes) 'He shoots he scores!'

Catch that? Courtside. Breakaway. Wow. Why would you even run that on a sports station?

Anyway, Pepsi hates Jews so I don't drink it anyway, and it tastes like warmed over piss, so I don't drink it anyway, but because of this commercial I implore you not to drink it anyway.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Calgary Flames Post: Welp, That Was A Disaster

I don't know if I'm going to do this every game, but I'll do one for the opener. What the hell was that?

Like, I want this coach fired after one game. What the hell was that? If he doesn't bag skate these fuckers...

I mean, they could have hired Darryl Sutter. Fuck.

And what the fuck was going on with the powerplay? After last season, where the powerplay was fucking shit, you'd think the number one priority would be to bring in someone who can plan a fucking powerplay. These guys spent a fucking period on the powerplay and couldn't score. The fuck!

There are better teams than Vancouver, the Flames know that, right?

The lines were fucking weird. Why the hell do you sign a scorer in James Neal and then play him on the third line? With fucking a rookie!

I don't know, there seems to be a lot of pussy-itus still left on this team, after the team made a loud and public effort to get rid of the pussy-itus on the team.

I thought Burke had a good point on the TV yesterday, if you want to be a tough team, you need to ice guys who can be tough. If you want a deterrent to the other team hitting your fancy players, you need a player who can scare them. The Flames don't have any players like that. OK, that's not the end of the world. The deterrent then can't be physical. The deterrent has to be the ability to score on the powerplay. And these fuckers can't do that.


I liked the european we got from Carolina. I thought he was ok. He looks like a guy who can take the puck away and wants to make plays. I don't see how that works on a line with 13 and 23. He doesn't look like a goal scorer.

I think I'd go with Lindholm with Neal and Backlund. And I'd play Tkachuk with 13 and 23. Frolik with the two new guys, and Jankowksi with Bennett and...who the fuck is the last forward? Whoever it is. Dube I guess. That's me though.

Just one game though.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Calgary Flames Post: Season Starts

The Flames season starts tonight and you know what? I'm actually excited about it.

I guess I'm excited about it every year, because I'm a mark, but this year is especially exciting because the team actually spent some money during the offseason. I'm also excited because I upgraded my season tickets this year, going from the nosebleeds to the second level.

Can the Flames make the playoffs? I don't know, I hope they can. I think on paper they have a team where I would be disappointed if they didn't. To me, the main thing is the goaltender needs to play well and stay healthy, otherwise the season is toast. Forward depth should be there and the defence should be able to play a little bit. I actually like the roster a lot.

The best move of the offseason was when they fired Gulutzan. Now we will all see whether or not Gulutzan was the problem or not. I think he was but who knows, time will tell. He got bit by the goalie getting hurt last year. Gulutzan's line usage was bananas so that should improve with him gone. The biggest inditement against Gulutzan, to me, was that Sam Bennett got worse under him.

I'd have prefered they signed Sutter to coach, so I don't go into the season with an automatic love for Peters. He's going to have to show something to win me over. Let's hope he does. You didn't see too many people in Carolina crying over his getting released from his contract. That could be a tell.

The shitty-no-good-terrible-awful third jersey the team used last year has been mercifully retired, and the cool-awesome-just-the-best-and-should-be-the-full-time retro jersey is back as the third. I like that move, can you tell? And I'll just repeat myself, the retro jersey should be the regular jersey. Hell, the white jersey should be the regular home jersey, but that's a whole other battle.

What I like:
- Team isn't constructed to rely on Sam Bennett scoring (ie: they brought in a real scorer in Neal).
- They traded The Pussy (Hamilton).
-  Brought in some forwards that should push the other players on the bottom six to be better. There is some competition now, and some of these guys could play up, so the pressure to play well should be there for most of the roster.

What I don't like:
- I don't think they addressed the goaltending depth. Very scary.
- Did they have to trade Ferland? If they had this roster plus Ferland you'd be feeling really good about scoring.
- The team is relying on TJ Brodie not sucking. He has sucked for two seasons now. Big gamble.

I could be missing stuff. But all in all I am excited about the team, and if you hit me with truth serum I'd say this team makes the playoffs and surprises people when it gets there.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Reminder: You Are Either Actively Fighting The Communists, Or You Are Collaborating With Them

That's it. The title of this post is what I wanted to say. Remember.

I don't even care how old the Benny Benassi Public Enemy remix is, I bump to that shit.

I added this sri lankan dude to my dodgeball team because I thought it would be an in to the sri lankan girls. This dude claims he doesn't know any. Pathetic. I can't even with the whites or the asians anymore.

I bumbled a black chick with huge titties, hopefully she sends me a message. That's it. Nothing else.

I had a girl over on the weekend and she gave me a rimjob, which is pretty hot, because it is so nasty. Nasty ass girl was mad I didn't call her the next day. I'm supposed to want to wife a girl I met on the internet who ate my ass the first time we fucked? Women.

I just googled if Phil Collins was dead. He isn't. Good news. Love 'I can't dance'.

Actually I take it back. White girls who can shuffle dance are better than hindu chicks. But they need to have pigtails. That's the law, Cremshaw.

Maybe get a blister on your thumb.

Friday, September 28, 2018

Calgary Flames Post: Fuck These Guys (Calgary Flames Rumours)

I've not been to any Flames preseason games, even though I have to buy the shitty tickets as part of the season ticket holder package. However, I have heard some concerning things. Namely: beer prices are outrageous.

The people I've given my tickets to have mentioned it, but I just assumed they hadn't been to a game for a while, so the normally outrageous prices were just new to them. I can't even remember what the price for a beer last year was, but I think it was $9 or something. Which is crazy in and of itself.

But mucking around, I saw this post on calgary puck, which claims that the price of a beer is now $10.50. Ten. Fifty. As in, a $20 bill won't get you two beers. This is nuts.

The Flames talk a good game about not raising ticket prices, but the rise in price in everything else at the Dome has been considerable. So it's a con game. They aren't raising the ticket prices, sure, but since I've been a season ticket holder (4 or 5 years now) the price of beer has gone from $7 to $10, and everything else (popcorn, nachos, pop, burgers) have gone up as well.

In short, fuck these guys. They don't pay any rent for the building, get TV money and league revenue sharing, and operate under a CBA that ensures cost control (and ask people who work for them, they pay their vendors late). The only reason to raise the prices of these items is to increase profit margin, which is fine. Just don't ask me as a taxpayer to buy you a new stadium, greasy fucks.

I'll be smuggling in alcohol and snacks this year.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Where The Hell Should I Troll?

The Flames blog is terrible, all run by nerds. Not even nerds, nerds are fine. They are run by dweebs (Dweebs Eat Dirt)! And the commenters? "Hey dweeb do you think this fringe guy can make the team thanks Dweeb" like what the fuck is that? Dweebs writing for dweebs. It's not something that I can endorse.

There used to be a bunch, obviously this one was the best when it was alive, but now? Are there any besides flamesnation? I need something else. Or should I go troll there?

Is calgarypuck still around? It must. I just googled, it's still there. Holy fuck is that bad. Like the second thread is some dweeb asking how to get his mcdavid jersey autographed. Get cancer or suck his dick, dweeb, what the fuck do you think the easiest way is? Fucking morons.

I don't know, it seems like it's beating up a retard.

Oh shit Mike Keenan has cancer. That's shitty.

You know what commercial is fucking awful? That moneris commercial about ways to pay. It drives me fucking nuts. I only know the f word by the way. "I'd like to pay with tap" this dumb broad chirps. BITCH! DEBIT OR CREDIT! TAP ISN'T A FUCKING WAY TO PAY.

Anyways...I had a tinder date on the weekend and I threw her out when she didn't let me stick it in her ass. Now the cunt won't return my calls. Yes, calls. I'm a fucking gentlemen you deviant texters.

Poor Cosby. Dude did nothing wrong.

Kavanaugh needs to start grabbing pussies why isn't he getting this god level advice?

The olympic committee is leakier than Nenshi after the bathhouse. ZING

I like my porn in GIF mode now thanks for asking.

I heard on the radio that Derek Wills is divorced and I was all like gee you don't say.

Hopefully he gets fired soon. I mean, talk about a guy who looks like he belongs in the catholic church.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

The Dichotomy Of My Tabs

On one tab, I have the 'Conversion of the Khazars'. The Khazars were like a nomadic warrior peoples of central Asia, think the Huns, who converted to Judaism. Noted as excellent warriors and horsemen.On the other tab, I have pornhub up, searching for hindu actress porn.

On one tab, I have 'Longinus'. Longinus, Saint Longinus I guess, was the soldier who stabbed Jesus while he was up on the cross with a spear, to see if he was dead. On the other tab, I am searching porn gifs under 'eye contact'.

On one tab, I have 'the Silk Road'. The trade route that connected Europe to China. I am reading about how it was under the Mongol Empire. On the other tab, I am looking up how to tie a proper bondage knot.

On my phone, I am looking at pictures of my dog, before going to the next picture, which is of nudes some girl has sent me.

Hope everyone gets written into the Book of Life this year. Except Derek Wills. They should fire Derek Wills.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Flames Post: Season Ticket Package Sucked


Ok, so the Flames Season Ticket Package Box Container Thing came to my house yesterday. I will now tell the void all about it.

Last year, iirc, the tickets came in a tin box. This year, the tickets came in a, I don't know, paper product box. Like nice cardboard, I guess. I prefer the tin box because I can use it for shit, like to hold my drug paraphernalia, which I can't do with the cardboard box because they glue shit into it, like the little shelf thing they put your tickets in. So right off the bat I was like "this shit is lame".

I mean I don't have the fanciest tickets, and maybe the quality of the box changes with your ticket level, but last year I was in shittier tickets, so I doubt that. I think everyone gets the same box. Maybe suit holders get something better. But I upgraded my tickets and the box was shittier so I have to assume everyone got the shittier box. I don't like it. Step up to cheap tin, fuckdammit.

You open the box and what do you get? You get a nicely printed booklet that shows off the charity the Flames do. That's nice, charity is nice, mitzvahs are nice, but I'm a selfish asshole so I don't really care about that shit. You also get a schedule for the Flames, which is NOT magnetized, I repeat, NOT magnetized, which is just fucking retarded. I actually complained to my season ticket customer service rep over it. Give us a fucking magnet schedule you fucks. You also get a nice little poster, which is useless, and you get your tickets. That's it.

Listen, I know I am paying for the tickets, but would it kill the Flames to include something nice as a thank you for giving them a seasons worth of ticket money in June or July or whenever the fuck they make us pay? Like, my tickets cost about 2 grand each, which I've paid already. Could a brother not get a bobble head or a stuffed Harvey the Hound? I mean, we should get a jersey for every ticket we buy.

Oh, and the letter from Ken King this year was about six sentences. Usually I post them but there was no 'there' there on this one. No talk about the stadium, as there has been the last two season ticket letters, and no talk about, well, anything really. "We have new players and we hope to have an exciting year, basically". Which is kinda odd, seeing the stadium is the elephant in the room.

Furthermore I think Derek Wills should be fired. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

I Don't Have A Title To This Post About This Taiwanese Girl Who Kept Screaming

Holy fuck. The dating world is full of freaks.

So I met this girl, Asian because of course, and we are chatting or whatever. I think I met her on one of the STI apps, bumble or tinder. Could have been a real life meet but my real life meets are usually less damaged. Whatever, doesn't matter. I met this girl and we are chatting. Using Whatsapp or some shit. Because I can't get pictures when chicks text me, so I have to use other shit. The savvy ones send me them over Snapchat because they disappear after, but this chick is sending them over Whatsapp. Again, whatever, not important. Point is, we are chatting.

I'm fresh off the defeat in 'game seven' of NCHL playoffs, where my very cool and fun team lost in the city championships with a Flames versus Ducks like effort. Regular readers will recall that I almost always make the finals in some sport I'm playing but I have never in my life actually won the finals. So second place, yet again. I'm kinda pissed that we weren't able to take the trophy home, so I send her a text saying so. Something like "lost in the finals, sadz" or some shit. The content doesn't matter. "I can cheer you up" is what I was fishing for, and what I got back.

Obviously I say "sure" because I am an empty human being who uses women for sex in a perpetual bid to forget some girl who broke my heart a long time ago. She then tells me she doesn't have a car. Great. Where do you live? It's actually not that far away so I say I'll come over. I can't though, I'm informed, because she lives in the living room of an apartment and she has roommates and blah blah blah. Whatever, I'll come pick you up, be outside.

I arrive and of course the girl makes me wait 15 minutes before coming down. It's like 1 am. I am not a happy camper at this point but what are you going to do. I don't love fucking in the Challenger, so I drive her to my place. I'm planning to take my displeasure about having to pick her up and having to wait on the poor girls throat and punani. So I'm cheering up.

The girl starts to pull some shit when we get back to my place, you know, it's 1, 130, and she called me to have sex, but she doesn't want to look easy. Fucking women. I'm not in the mood so I laugh and just assume the sale and the girl is in my bed pretty quickly. She hits me with 'use a condom'. Fuck. I won't get into it but only a certain subsection of the population get STD's and because I don't fuck schvwartes I don't use condoms. This asian bitch insists on it though.

So it's like 1:30 AM, on a Thursday for fucks sake, and I'm about to get my fuck on. Usually I eat pussy but this chick has me in a bad mood so I don't go down on her, I just use my hand. I get her started, and I tell her to suck my dick. The bitch could not suck a dick. It was amazing. Like, not in a good way amazing, like when you hear that Troy Brouwer got another contract amazing. It was terrible. She literally left teeth marks on my cock.

I stop the most awful BJ I've ever had and put a condom on. I was initially going to have her use her mouth to put my condom on but at that point I was worried about my safety. I've already been circumcised once, don't need to do it again. Condom goes on and I put it in the girl and...holy fuck.

Now I just want to set the scene a little. I am not rocking a 14 foot cock. I'm a normal guy, normal size. I'm not in any porn movies, ok? Nothing special. Ok? Well, I put my cock in this girl and she starts SCREAMING. Like, SCREAMING. The caps don't do it justice. She is loud. LOUD.

Now, I can't lie, when it first happens it is a bit of an ego boost. I think she is just doing it to make me feel good, fully expecting it will quiet down in a few strokes. Nope. I keep going and she keeps SCREAMING. Like, I look down expecting to see blood or something, she's making it sound like I'm hurting her.

It's almost 2 AM on a Thursday. I live with my brother. He's literally in the next room. I can't have this bitch SCREAMING all night. Normally I'd stuff a chicks panties in her mouth if she's being noisy, but I can't find her panties. She's naked, I can't use her tshirt as a gag. I don't have anything around, so I cover her mouth. Protip: All chicks want to be raped, so when you cover their mouths in a brutish manner they get wet. So instead of quieting this bitch down, the hand over the mouth gets her hot and she starts getting louder. Like, she's trying to be loud through my hand.

I had enough. I'm too old for this shit. I faked an orgasm. I was actually very happy at that point that I was wearing a condom, because it does allow a male to fake an orgasm. I tell her I came, rip that condom off and throw it in the trash before she can see it, and forgo the cuddle and basically take the bitch home immediately after.

Tough too, because she was kind of cute. But as I was fucking her and she kept SCREAMING all I could think about was that it would be like this every time. Women give me a headache as it is. I couldn't live with sex that loud.

To make the matter more absurd, we are chatting a few days later (don't burn bridges and all that) and she tells me that she had gotten out of a relationship and I was the first guy she had been with in a few months. The guy she was dating? A Jamaican. Those dudes pack.


Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

You Ever Just Become A Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird?

So I'm just sitting at work, half asleep from a night of staying up watching porn after spending the previous three hours fucking a 21 year old, and I'm looking out the window from my corner office when BAM out of nowhere I see this fucking squirrel taunt me. The little shit is literally throwing nuts at my window and letting me know that my existence as an office serf is SOOO amusing to it. Meanwhile the squirrel doesn't have to push paperwork or deal with government red tape bureaucrats or any of the shit, just gets to chillax in the sun and mock me. So I look at the thing and I think "what the hell can I do to this little fucker to really teach it not to step to me" when it hits me: Become the original stealth plane that was developed from the alien technology located at Roswell. And that's exactly what I set out to do. Now you can't transmute into a SR-71 Blackbird inside of an office, that would be fucking impossible. I have to go outside. But you know how offices work. A bunch of KGB agents around here. So I get up to leave the office so I can wreak furious anger and vengeance on the little squirrel who has flaunted his free and easy existence one to many times when I get stopped. "Where are you going?" they want to know. "Fucking classified" I shoot back. A SR-71 doesn't even officially exists during 'nam, and I aignt about to throw the whole fucking secret program down the tube. Who do these fuckers think they are dealing with? I'm not a fucking MiG. So after blowing off all the nosy cunts trying to block my path out the door, I do what I set out to do. I stretch a little because one can't just become a stealth jet without stretching, everyone knows that. I have to go on autopilot because I'm no fag, I aignt letting some dude inside me. And I start flying around, and I look for the squirrel but the little bitch knows I'm coming for it now, probably one of the office cunts, the fucking secretary I bet, ratted me out. No problem, I'm equipped with radar it's probably state of the art radar too I mean I am a fucking top secret stealth jet so I mean I aignt exactly rocking mid tier shit here, but the problem with radar is I have no clue how to fucking use it so I just start by blowing up all the trees. And that works because I don't see no more fucking squirrel outside my office.

Fucking miss that guy though. Shared a bond.

Furthermore I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

A Girl Texted Me As A Wrong Number And Now I'm Sleeping With Her

She's 22 and still lives with her parents. Crazy world out there, ya'll.

Best part? She isn't Asian. A white girl. Manna from heaven. God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I get this text from a random number, and I can't remember what I said and I'm too lazy to look, it was something like 'wrong number, are you a chick though? And are you cute?" and from that we flirted and then I had her out to a softball game (that I didn't play in because my hand is mangled) and then from there she came over and...I have really good closing percentage.

The hindu girl I'm still madly in lust with actually sent me a text this week too.

My father recently asked me why I bought a Challenger instead of renovating my kitchen. Well Pops, this is why.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Did I Bang The Family Friend's Daughter? And Other Events

I don't even remember where we were. I had told you guys about the family friend's / client's daughter? Did I hit it? Did I?

I did not. I went soft. I couldn't pull the trigger. Also, she was...she was too nice. I couldn't do it to her.

Her opener was strong, though. Usually women give you the shittiest openers, because they never have to do them in real life. This one hit me with a "It's not Monday, but you can be my Woah-Man Crush Wednesday," which I thought was pretty cute. So I talked to her but not like how I usually talk to women on these apps, which means I was nice. 'Nice' is usually a good way to get a date, but I was conflicted about whether to throat fuck this girl in the first place, so I went with nice. To my surprise she kept talking to me. Eventually I just unmatched.

So nothing real salacious. I ejector seated. Couldn't go through with it.

Other news? I took a come-backer playing softball to my hand. The ball, at a not slow velocity, hit my ungloved hand and smashed into the area between my pointer and middle finger. Read that again. Then go take a look at how big a softball is. Then go look at the space between your pointer and middle finger. So my hand fucking ripped open. It wasn't that bad. I had three stitches. Two at the end and one in the middle of the gash.

I totally tough guyed it at the field, too. Some chick wrapped my hand up while I smoked cigs and chugged whiskey. It was legendary.  Didn't even flinch.

It kind of ruined my vacation, though. Had to miss the summer league's playoff game, which they won. It wrecked my right hand, so I had to have one of the girls over to, uhh, you know, help me out. She did my laundry too, which was nice, but now I'm going to have to blow her off because she probably thinks I like her now. You know how it is.

My little cousin is in town. I have a few fancy cars so I had him take some pictures in those, had him take a picture of my dog. Told him to download Tinder and make a profile. He did, and he got a couple of matches on his first day. He tells me he doesn't like it though. He thinks the girls are 'too hoe-y". Lol. He's a good kid.

I'm in the 200 section now at the Dome, and they called me to see if I wanted my tickets on a card (what I'm used to coming from the 300 section) or if I wanted paper tickets. Felt good, man.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

What Do You Do Bumble Edition

Got a match on Bumble today. Cool beans, right?

Match was a client's daughter. And not just a 'clients daughter'. A client who also happens to be good friends with my Father and Mother. A client who my Father and Mother introduced to his wife, a million years ago. A client I have known since before I was out of diapers. A client who I have had passover dinner with, at his house.

What do you do?

Now, on Bumble I do not use my real name. But I do have pictures of myself, and I do have pictures of my dog. My dog is fairly unique in that I have seen one other dog that looks like her. She's a pointer but she's black and white. This client's daughter has looked after my dog when I went on vacation last year. She therefore knows what my dog looks like.

I do not know if she knows who I am or she thinks she is matching with a rando.

What do you do?

I am not nice with girls, I think I should point that out. Like, they have a good time with me and all that, but that's what I am, a good time. I am not 'boyfriend material' and I do not act like I am (one of the reasons girls fall head over heels for me so often). If I get with this girl and treat her poorly there could be repercussions.

What do you do?

In Speed, the guy shot the hostage in the leg. He tried to make the play. I feel I should try to make the play. Any differing opinion on this?

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Manure Post

My buddy recently asked me if I still go on twitter and look at the timelines of people I used to follow. Not a fucking chance, I said. I go on twitter to search for 'domebeers'.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

HAHAHAHAHA Alberta NDP Edition



The poll also found that Albertans have a positive view of Kenney compared to Notley. While respondents have +9.8% net rating of Kenney, Notley has a -12.7% rating.

 What a waste of four years. NDP. Not even once.

In other news, the green party candidate is pretty cute:

Yeah, I'd honour and respect the living fuck out of her until it stank.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Calgary Flames Rumour: John Gilles Caught Out With...

In the aftermath of signing a new two year deal with the Calgary Flames, John Gilles was caught out on the town celebrating his new deal with...a cell phone holster.

Yes, the talented six foot six Providence product was seen brandishing a brown leather cell phone holster on his hip, in 2018. It had beige stitching, according to witnesses at the scene.

No word yet on what cell phone Gilles' was using. There is rampant speculation it was an Iphone 5. has reached out to Gilles representatives to confirm if in fact he was wearing a cell phone holster. They have not replied as of yet. We will update the story as soon as new information is available.

This isn't the first time Gilles has been the centre of controversy. In 2016, Gilles was reportdely spotted singing an Alanis Morissette song at a karaoke bar.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Stampede Stories

I don`t have twittah no mo so I gotta puke out on this page.

Stampede time in the city. Oh boy. Did your std apps blow up? Mine did. Well, some of mine. Tinder was absolutely dead for me. On bumble I had 15 matches this week (that's a lot for me). 0 tinder, 15 bumble. Girls who didn't match me on tinder matched me on bumble Makes no sense to me, but it is what it is. I had about 5 from plenty of fish, but those are iffy. I only got one on OKCupid, and I think that's all I'm on. I did have a chick send me a 2 am message on instagram. That was nice.

Anyways...I had been drying up in June, so this bump in July was timely. I had one girl going into July, and I met her late June. I have ended up hooking up with her and two more girls in midpoint July. All Asians. Korean, Chinese, Taiwanese. I can never get what I want, a Japanese. Whatever. I don't even want a Japanese chick anymore. I'm sick of Asians. Almost all the girls I've bedded in 2018 have been Asians. I used to wish for Asians. I had an Asian fetish. Well, be careful what you wish for because you might end up only banging Asians for year.

(As an aside, the other girl you guys know I love are hindu's, and I don't know if they turned the Elbow into the Ganges but it seemed like there were a ton of hindu chicks there. Like, one third of the girls were white, one third asian, one third were hindus. I was sorta in heaven, but of course I was at the Stampede with girls I was trying to bang or currently banging, and I didn't have the time, game, or energy to try to pick another one up with one hanging off my arm. Curses.)

Why am I bringing this up? Well, be patient and I will tell you. On the second trip to the Stampede, I was with a girl. I had not banged this one yet, and it was our first date, so I was doing kino escalation and all that stuff, and we were being cute and huggy as a couple (yes I would end up banging her on our first date I'm sorta good at that). Of course, what happens? You probably guessed. Another one of the girls I am 'dating' was there with her friends (fucking slut!) and saw me, I think. I say I think she saw me because she knows where I live and what car I drive and the next day I woke up to this:

The only car on my block to have a smashed window just happened to be mine. What a coincidence. Now, it may have been a bum trying to get my change, but I think it was the girl because she had texted me some sweet and innocent things that night/morning. I guess I should be flattered. I'm just glad she didn't get the Challenger.

The other thing that happened was that a girl drove down from edmonton to see me, and we were supposed to meet at the Big 4, but when I saw her I didn't think she looked like she had advertised on the std apps so I didn't even say hi. Abundance mindset and all that. She was texting me updates all night about the guys she was dancing with, so I think she was pissed I 'missed' her.

I think I might give up girls for a month. Draining my chi, mang.

I stalk the Instagram page of the hindu girl I still dream about and she posted a pic of her at Stampede with her girlfriends and I was going to DM her with like "hey if you needed a date smiley face" but my homie grabbed my phone and stopped me. It was probably for the best. I need a new hindu though. Driving me crazy. Or a white girl would be nice. One can dream.

Softball team is 7-3. I think this is the year we win the league. Everyone pray for it to happen. Also my summer league hockey team is like 9-2. If we don`t win the `cup` in that I may quit sports forever. I`ll end up getting second place in both those leagues like I always do.

Furthermore I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Flames Kill Smoking At Saddledome. Also Sign James Neal.

Wow. They did. They actually did it. Everyone was sitting here waiting for them to not sign a scoring forward, and resigned themselves to watching the team in a chase for 8th place, but Treliving stepped up to the plate and signed a real life scoring winger. Damn. Was not expecting it but am very happy they did it.

I will be honest: I just upgraded my season tickets, going from the nosebleeds to the the second level. I was joking about how I spent more money on this team and they 'rewarded' me by spending it on depth level players. But now I can't complain. I moved my tickets up and the team signed a real forward. I am quite pleased.

Now on to the the real news of the day:

Holy hell. This is a shake up. I am not pleased by this at all.

They just killed the smoking pits. Holy fuck. Do you realize how bad that is for me? It's terrible. It's fucking terrible. I use those smoke pits to meet girls!

I don't smoke regularly. I do smoke when I am at the Flames games, because one of the few places to go that aren't overly crowded in 'dome during intermission are the smoke pits. And when I am in those smoke pits at intermission I look for girls, and I go up and I bum a smoke. That's my opener. I use the bumming of the cigarette to break the ice and talk to girls. This move, the ending of the smoke pits, is a disaster for me.

Call the Prime Minister. Complain. Send letters. We need to get smoke pits back at the 'dome, otherwise how the hell am I going to meet any girls at the games this year?

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Friday, June 29, 2018

Flames Leak Free Agent Targets To Media

It's not that much of a secret that the people who cover the team are...well, I was going to say dumb, but the proper term might be lazy. Anyone who has followed the team for any length of time will have seen the phenomena where major stories about the Flames are broken by eastern based media. The local reporters just don't like to do much, you know, independent reporting on the team. When is the last time one of them broke a story independently?

So with that said, I think you have to take this list of potential Flame free agent targets for what it is, a leak by the team. They are floating the people they might pursue. I don't know why they need to float it, but the team feels they do.

The list: C Derek Ryan, C Jay Beagle, RW Michael Grabner, RW Ryan Reaves, F Austin Czarnik.

What does that list tell us? The Flames are once again going to dip into the free agent pool, where guys get too much money and too many years, for depth players. Oh joy.

I think, obviously, that that isn't the smartest thing to do. If you need depth, go ahead and sign it off the free agent market, but for the love of all that is beautiful, don't go out and sign them on July 1. Nobody on that list of five should be signed for more than one year. And if we sign them they are going to get three. Just stupid.

To me, I resign Versteeg instead of getting into a bidding war for Cznarnik or Grabner. I like Reaves but I don't think you can have a Reaves on your roster if you have a Brouwer on the roster. And if you buy out Brouwer to give Reaves a contract longer than a year...that would be a dumb move. I don't hate the addition of Derek Ryan, but to me it's a misuse of cap. Jankowski might not get my blood flowing, but he's cheap and I'd run him out as the 3rd centre. Like, I don't know why we are pushing Jankowski down the depth chart by bringing in a free agent when the immediate need on the team is to push Frolik down the depth chart by bringing in a real scoring winger.

Like, if we are bringing in a centre, to me, the quality of the centre should be such that it pushed Backlund down the depth chart. You'd bring in a guy to make Backlund the third centre, which pushes Jankowski to the 4th. You don't bring someone in to push Jankowski down. Again, that's a misuse of cap space in my mind when you still don't have a real winger to play on the top six.

How I see the forwards, or how I would like to see the forwards:
19/11/NEW WINGER (James Neal)

If they sign Ryan I see Versteeg being replaced with 93 and Lazar moves to the wing on the 4th line. The team would still need a winger, the way I see it.

I just don't love that the team's targets seem to be depth guys that they will probably have to give contracts to that will be longer than a year. The whole point of a minor league system in a cap league, to me, is to use it to develop the depth players your team will need so you can go out and spend money on real players.

But it is what it is. I'm not thrilled by this list. Let's hope Treliving has some trick up his sleeve to get a 50+ point winger on to the team.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

The Best Take On The Doug Hamilton Trade

Asked the boys on the summer league hockey team what they thought about the big trade. One guy there had the best take, and I will share it with you here:

"Hamilton was a pussy. Do you lose trades when you trade the pussy?"

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

More Doug Hamilton Trade Stuff

As I often lament, I am banned from twitter, but I still like to go on and search it from time to time. One of the pages I creep is @akaRCN, which I would assume anyone reading this blog in 2018 already follows, but you never know. On his page I found a couple of things that made me lulz, as it related to the Hamilton trade.

In my last post I had wondered why the Flames didn't try to move Hamilton at the trade deadline, if he was really so bad in the locker room or so unhappy on the team.

Well, there you go. The team, according to Mark Spector, did indeed try to move him. I think stuff like this lends credence to the Flames version of the story, where Hamilton was a 'murper' and unhappy on the team. It seems weird to me that the team wasn't able to trade him then. Maybe they got cold feet. I also find it odd that his name, as far as I recall and I could be wrong, didn't leak out during that time. I mean this thing is odd all around.

More evidence that the Flames and Hamilton had a bad relationship:

They didn't even tell the kid he was traded! He found out when the rest of us found out, while watching the TV. That's amazing to me. I don't know how Ferland found out, but the two Carolina guys we got were called by Carolina to tell them they had been traded. Maybe I'm reading in to the Flames not calling Hamilton to tell him he had been traded too much, but I don't think I am. That's an asshole move. The Flames must have hated this guy, and I would assume they had reason to do so. I would hope they did, at least.

More from Chip, on the players we got:

So, there is that. One underachieving forward for another. Oh joy! And a guy who 'is going to be' a very good NHL player for someone who 'is' a very good NHL player already.

I will say, in my experience running much much much lower level teams in completely different sports, getting rid of talented players who piss the team off with their attitude, people I call 'murpers', and replacing them with people who are not 'murpers' does tend to increase the success of the team, regardless of the talent level difference between the murpers and the non murpsers. I don't know why, but in my experience my teams have always done better the following year after I get rid of the murpers from the last season. So I see the Flames logic in this trade.

But time will tell.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Doug Hamilton Trade Was Bad Tho

Regardless as to the motivation of the trade, the trade itself was a bad one. Some thoughts I have one it:

- I would have liked the media to ask the GM if he had consulted the team leaders about making this move.

- This move implies the Flames believe the locker room has issues. Does moving one player fix it? Who else needs to go?

- If Douglas was this 'unhappy' in Calgary, why wasn't he traded, say, at the trade deadline?

- Douglas being unhappy or a bad apple or whatever may be true, but it is also a convenient excuse for the organization making a widely panned trade. How much benefit of the doubt you give the Flames largely depends on your opinion of the front office. I choose to believe the cover story because I pay for season tickets, and the alternative, while plausible, is horrifying.

- Treliving trading a guy he got in a trade he is acknowledged to have 'won' is another data point in favour of Douglas being a problem, either through his demeanor or his agitation for a trade, whatever the case may be. Douglas Hamilton on the Flames is perhaps Treliving's signature move. Brad moving that guy is not nothing.

- This isn't an original take, but the inclusion of Adam Fox in the trade makes no sense. The Flames should be getting the prospect or pick back in this deal. Imagine offering up the best players in the trade and still having to sweeten the pot. It's fucked up. Did Treliving get worked?

- The GM, by making this move, has married the coach. If Peters doesn't work out, Treliving will be fired now, as well. That may have been the case anyways, but now it is official. Ballsy move.

- Because of that, I can't imagine the team is done adding. Treliving is going to want to look good coming off this trade, and that means getting Peters enough players for his roster. The team is universally acknowledged to look like they need at least one more forward, and I won't argue with this notion at all. The forward brought in has to be a scorer. Do you pay James Neal?

- Were any of the players traded by the Flames in this deal offered up to Ottawa in the trade talks for Hoffman?  If not, if the Hoffman trade was going to be based around different players or assets, I would think the team would still be pursuing trading for a scoring forward, as well. Could we be seeing two new forwards in Calgary?

- There still seems to be moves to make. Getting rid of Brouwer would be nice. I'd like them to look at Reaves. Moving Stone would be nice, but I think he'd also be missed if an injury hits, as you'd be forced to play kids with kids on your bottom pair, unless they could sign an cheap alternative. Who plays in the bottom six? Do you play Bennett as the 4th line centre or the 3rd line winger? Lots of questions.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Enough Bad Takes: Doug Hamilton Asked For A Trade

Man. They ban me from twitter and then the team goes and makes a trade. Great. Now who is going to go after all the very bad and horrible takes that are coming out. I feel bad for the waste walkers of social media, having to wade through this cesspool of shit.

I will say, when I first heard the trade, I was not a happy camper. Because I am not on social media I got a chance to digest it before I was tainted with any other opinion. I did not like it, it seemed we gave up a lot for not as much. There had to be a reason, right? Something happened that we did not see?

And of course, that was the case. Initially, the word sorta broke that they traded Hamilton because of locker room issues. Of course, it came in the form of a tweet or something that said "Hamilton would skip team lunches to go to a museum", which of course got all the lonely nerds on the twitter very upset. Obviously 'skipping lunch to go to a museum' was a fucking euphemism, but the responses were of course "Flames hate the guy because he reads". Honestly, whenever I see these takes my initial thought is "Yes, we all needed to know you got stuffed into a locker in high school, random internet person."

The "Flames are stupid for trading an elite defenceman because he likes to read" take was so unbearably, well, stupid, I was surprised it survived a minute out in the wild. But people don't know what they don't know, except on the internet where they know everything, so I shouldn't have been. In a world of nerds writing about jocks, these bad takes can propagate.

The Flames themselves tried to cover their asses by very quickly putting out there some juicy quotes about Hamilton not being a fit in the room. Very quickly we heard insinuations about Hamilton not caring about losing, about him being more upset the team traded his brother than with anything else going on in the season, and perhaps, this being the juiciest, that he did not like it here (Brad Treliving's comment about "taking both on ice and off ice in to consideration).

 So obviously something was up. What we were getting from the media wasn't the clear deal. What was really going on? And now we know, sorta.

In today's 31 Thoughts, Friedman pretty much makes clear that Hamilton requested a trade, and the team was trying to trade him before his trade request was made public. While Friedman says that a trade request was not 'formerly' made, he also insinuates that an informal request was definitely made. And the subsequent actions of the club imply, to me at least, that the formal trade request was indeed coming if they did not move Hamilton.

(Hamilton was apparently unhappy with the team getting rid of his brother (understandable, in a sense, when he looks down the roster and sees Brouwer, Lazar, and Bennett stinking up the roster. Is Fred Hamilton worse than Lazar? So I can see his point, in a way), with his role being changed coming into the new year (he was apparently going to be moved from Gio to play with Harmonic, which would have pissed me off, too), and the fact that Gulutzan was a retard who waited too long to play him on the powerplay, which I believe pissed everyone else in the city off too.)

With that news, the whole trade should be seen in a different light. The team probably lost the trade. But they could have lost it in an even worse way if they had let the news of a trade request leak out.That's how I view it, at least.

Now...are those above mentioned reasons enough to warrant a trade request? I'm not Hamilton, but they seem kind of flimsy to me. Still, I can't imagine this trade was made without something like a trade request being made behind the scenes. It's just too...lopsided. I mean, if you were trading Hamilton in a vacuum, you would want a legit top line winger coming back. Right?

So I sorta view it as Treliving having two guys who were unhappy in Hamilton and Fox, and a guy he didn't want to pay in Ferland (and would be caught in a PR nightmare if Ferland put up a 50+ point season this year), and looking to get rid of his 'problems' with a neat and tidy package, trading them all to one team for guys who had similar talent, and who his new coach (who he is tied to the hip with, especially after this trade) liked and vouched for. It makes sense to me (although I do not 'love' the trade) in that light.

But that's the take. Not "The Flames hated Hamilton because he read books". The take is "Hamilton was unhappy here and they were not going to pay Ferland so they traded them for similar players who the team will have long term control over".

Not as sexy, but I think it is more accurate.

Furthermore, I think Derek Wills should be fired.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Tales From The Exile: May

I can't remember when they kicked me off twitter. I think it was May. Feels like it was May. I've quit addictive things before, and a month after you get this dullness feeling. I have that dullness feeling, so it must have been in May.

Of course I started a new account almost immediately after they kicked @DomeBeers off. But they caught me there too. Suspended for having multiple accounts, or some shit. I had a good tweet about women get some attention, and they killed me off shortly after. I haven't bothered trying to start a new one.

I have an old alt account, @AGiantTRex, I think, but I can't remember the password to get in. So I'm done.

It's both good and bad. It's good for me because I have more time to chase skirt. It's bad for you because you don't get to hear my tales. Did I share the butt plug girl story before I got canned?

I wasn't going to even blog anymore but like I said, I'm feeling the post addiction dullness. So I came back here. Paid for this damn site, might as well use it.

March sucked, April sucked, but I wasn't an exile then so you heard all about it. DB, how was May?

May was cool. I enjoyed it. I took some time off after tax season. To the chagrin of at least one of you, I bought a used Dodge Challenger R/T, not a Mustang GT. I really like her. She's fast, she's low, she growls. And she's black. Which I like. I've owned her for about a month and I wash her twice a week. She's black.

Everyone tries to race me now, though. Everyone. Civics try to race me. I don't even know what the point is. Sometimes I oblige and most times I don't. I'm not scared of traffic or speed so I usually win. I narrowly lost to a Porsche 911, and that was cool. Did I mention she was black? Oh, she's mean.

I bought the Challenger for me, because I've wanted one since it came out. But I would be lying if I said it was not helping me get pussy. Girls don't even need to know it's a somewhat fancy car. I hit the gas and make the thing growl and it makes their pussy tingle. Lay-ups from there. I banged three chicks in May, and she helped me land everyone. That and the pickup line "You're attractive and I want to go out with you. Basically".

I'm getting pussy again, after the tax season dry spell. And it has me in a good mood so I have been helping other people get pussy. After one of my softball games I yelled at a girl walking across the street to have a beer with us. She came over. She said she was 19. She looked younger, and she weighed maybe 90 pounds. Heroin addict look, which I would have fallen in love with in my younger days. Turns out she was a heroin addict, fresh out of rehab. I got her and a buddy on the softball team talking, with my boyish charm, and they are still together a couple weeks later. Love Doctor DB.

Did I tell the butt plug girl story? I got a girl on tinder, went to pick her up in the Challenger, which I had just cleaned. She gets in and I do my usual thing where I took em home and start just assuming we're fucking, rubbing her legs and all that. Went from make out to eating pussy in about a minute, and I'm down there and I see this thing. It's a fucking butt plug. Which is cool, I guess, but all I was thinking about was how she had her butt plugged ass on my car's freshly detailed leather seats. Abundance mindset, I guess.

I finally got a date with that girl who had stood me up, the one I put on twitter couple months back. She was a hit it and quit it story, so not much to tell. Same thing, get her back home, sit on the couch with her legs over mine, start rubbing them and go up from there. She did the white girl thing of fake no's and then they turn into 'no don't stop'. Other than that, vanilla.

And I got with a black chick from south Sudan. Great tits on that one. That one I got by being extremely racist, like over the top jewish stereotype racist. It's in the vibe. If I hadn't been so charming I'm sure she would have had one of her 8 brothers beat me up.

And finally, while I have not banged the Brand New Hot Hindu girl I met, I am talking to her, and have a date with her this week, actually. This one I'm excited about. I deleted old hindu girl out of my phone, so hopefully this one can take her place. Love Hindu's. So hot.

The garden is going well, for all you #GardenTwitter veterans out there. I planted potatoes, lettuce, spinach, radish, zuchinni, tomatoes, corn, peas, carrots, and cucumbers. I think that's it. Everything came up, which was nice, as I planted them at the start of May and I think it snowed like a day after. I'll post pictures soon.
Other than that, not much has been happening. I built a shed box, and I built some birdhouses.

I'm taking next week off from work, so hopefully I can get some adventures from that to share. I have a few dates scheduled, one with a korean chick and one with another black chick, but she lives in Edmonton. She wants me to drive up and see her but I feel that would be bad for frame game. Might just bang the korean and work on the hindu chick instead. 

I'd really like it if the Flames were to do something, or if there was a cool Flames rumour. I could write about that, then.

Oh yeah I'm on instagram under a fake name where I post pictures of my dog. I think some of you have found me. Keep it on the down low now.

Thursday, April 26, 2018


They finally got me on the twittah. Probably one of my own niggas too. The fact that when I searched my name and it wasn't full of people mourning me was quite a shock. Fuck you all, all of you all.

I have an alt account, several actually, but after that betrayal I wont be sharing. Sorry.

If you see a low follower account calling some sports writer a faggot that might be me. Who knows.

I might come back here more, now. I haven't decided. Time will tell. I kinda like this place now because I have killed off the blogs following. It's more peaceful not having readers.

Godspeed, gentlemen.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

The Finals

JHL playoff hockey finals. Made it back. Won the first game, even. Need one more win to take home the championship.

Get the email today: "Hey guys, we are going to be very short players today..."

Fuck. So close, and then this. Myself, I'm suffering from the flu. I will not be a good player. I can see us losing this game, and then losing the rubber match. That's how sports and life is. You get close enough to taste it, and then they snatch it away.

It's just beer league hockey right? Who cares? Well, I care. I want to win this league. The only time I'm happy lately is when I'm on the ice or when I'm walking my dog. And there are no championships for walking your dog.


I was drinking Neocitrin yesterday, and my dog runs up and headbutts the cup. Love is a crazy thing. The hot liquid (I had literally just poured the boiling water into the mug) spills all over me, burning me, and what do I do? I check on the dog to make sure none of the water fell on her.


Tales from the office: A client brought a girl in to see me, I think to introduce us and see if we had chemistry, and I end up violently coughing throughout the encounter. I'm must be sick.

Tales from the office two: "Hi I've already done my taxes but I want to know if I can pepper you for questions for an hour on how I can do them better and what do you mean you want to bill me for this?"


I haven't really watched a lot of the NHL playoffs, but I have a feeling the Flames would have been embarrassed if they had made it in. Maybe a blessing in disguise that they missed.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018


It's weird what we get excited for. Getting up for stuff that really has no impact. But nothing has an impact. One day the sun will become engorged and this world will burn to a crisp. So, really, it isn't weird that we get excited over the meaningless. It's normal.

I play in the Jewish Hockey League in Calgary. Despite the stereotypes, there are some MoT's that can really play. I am not one of them, but whatever. It's a good time, and I enjoy it. My skillz have improved tremendously since I've been playing. Four or five years now.

I think this is the third year we have used a team format. The first couple of years it was a pick up league. So with the team format comes playoffs.

The first year we had playoffs my team didn't make it out of the first round. The second year we made it to the finals, and lost. I make it to the finals and lose in lots of the rec league sports I play. You start to really get sick of being second place.

This year, I'm on a good team and we might be able to win the whole damn thing. That's the goal, at least. We are currently up 1 to zip in the first round. Best out of three. Need one more win to go to the finals.

It's weird what we get excited for. I deleted the pussy apps from my phone, but I don't think I deleted deleted them. I still get emails about 'so and so is into you!', so I must still have a profile out there. I used to get really excited to get those emails, but now, not so much. Part of it is actually meeting some of the girls who use those apps. Part of it is work. And then the other part of it is having other shit to get excited about. I went to sportscheck and bought laces for my skates. Couple bucks. I was more excited for that than anything I have purchased recently, save the red leather jacket. You'd think I would have yawned through the lace purchase and been excited about the female interest, but no, it was the other way around.

Sports is weird like that, and that's why I like sports. The competition is what is good. I use to be a sports nut when I was younger, and by that I mean I was really interested in the professional league. Now, not so much. I watch them still, but I like watching them to learn moves, to learn the thinking behind certain plays, if that makes sense. Now I watch to appreciate. Cheering for the laundry is still fun, but I don't get into as much as I used to.

Anyway, I have a game tonight and I'm sitting on hold so I'm writing to bleed off some of the nervous energy. If I don't win tonight my mood will be sour for a month, even if we end up winning the series. Shit is weird but it isn't.

Monday, April 9, 2018

E Thots

Tax time starts March. At the start of March I deleted Tinder and Bumble and whatever the fuck else I was on. I have a habit of chasing pussy, and the internet brings pussy to you with these apps. So I'm on these apps when I should be doing other shit, like working. So I deleted them.

There is a bit of withdrawal because instead of swiping for pussy you start thinking about all the pussy you are missing out on by not swiping, which isn't productive either. And when you work longer hours than you usually do you get tired so you don't get out as much. So you really think about not swiping for pussy.

But you get over it, and you still want pussy, so I've been forcing myself to go out even when I am tired. Nothing cool. No bars or clubs. I should but I just haven't felt into it. So like, the mall, the grocery store, little lunch places, smoke pits, dog parks, places like that. And I've been approaching. That's like half the battle. Just going up and striking up a conversation.

Not giving a fuck is another big chunk of the battle. Chicks can tell if you try, and if you try it must mean you either like them, or you aren't getting pussy. Chicks hate guys who like them ("who could like me? He must be weird") and they hate guys who aren't already fucking ("If he isn't fucking he must be weird"), so you gotta act like you could care less. Which is fine because I can actually do that because my perspective on life is kinda in that wheelhouse anyways. So I've been getting blowed out most of the time because I'm having fun teasing these girls and I take it too far. Grenading, if you will. But sometimes the chick is into it and I get a number.

Chicks on Tinder are vapid airheads. Even the educated ones I'd never know it. They all act the same. And if they are a little cute they have an army of guys sending them messages all day every day. You compete with the chemical rush they get when their phone makes a sound. And because you don't even need to be that cute to have an army of thirsty guys pining for you, all the girls have an entitled attitude. Whatever, you are just trying to fuck and not really interested in anything more so you put up with it. But you notice and it gets to you. Having to deal with a woman who lives in fantasy world, I mean.

So I figured since I deleted the app I would get away from that. I'd meet normal girls and we could act normal and go about courtship in a normal way. Except what the hell is normal? Normal is freakish, it doesn't exist anymore. If it ever did.

What am I even getting at with this post? Well, I've met two girls in the last two weeks who have an army of instagram followers. Like, tens of thousands. I'm not super familiar with IG, I have it on my phone and I use it to scout some of these chicks, but I don't really use it myself. But I mean, I met an iraqi girl at the park the other day and she had 13,000 followers. What? The girl I just met at lunch had 19K followers. What the fuck?

So I deleted the internet pussy apps and then all the girls I have met since are E-Thots anyways. Can't win for losing.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

You Think You Have It Bad

I hate tax time. I hate it. Kills my soul.

I'm sitting on hold with CRA. They keep you on hold because 1) they hate fucking tax time too and 2) they want everyone to use the online shit so you stop fucking calling. Thing is the online portal doesn't have all the information and 'tools' that a phone call has. Sometimes you have to call. And they hate that, so they make you wait. And wait you do.

The music changes. The hold music, I mean. Sometimes it is classical and sometimes it is modern. Today it is modern, I think. Like elevator music version of pop 40. I don't listen to new music unless I take a young girl out and then have to. I just don't like it. Get off my lawn, and all that.

Seriously though, rap today is dudes talking about how they got the sadz. What is that shit? Rap used to be about fucking a basketball players girl and then robbing him when he got home.

Anyways, I'm sitting on hold, and I hate my work. So I use it as a break. I log onto twitter but I don't see anything there that is holding my interest. Favourite a few thots and move on. I log on to kijiji, and because I miss that stupid fucking girl, I click around on community. She lied about being into volunteering (she went once and made it out like she was Momma Terresa), so I notice the volunteering link. Clients tell me it's a good place to meet women. So I click.

I'm expecting to see wanted ads or something. Please help with the puppy parade, or help out at a soup kitchen, or whatever it is people do when they volunteer. I guess I was expecting normal. You and I have been around long enough to know that no one is fucking normal, not anymore. What was I thinking?

Instead of 'help out at the old folks home' I see "female models needed". Fuck, why didn't I think of that? I don't click because I'm mad I didn't think the scam. I keep scrolling, which was a mistake.

"I have a large family and I just lost my job and I need someone to pay for dogfood."

"My Mom is dying from cancer and she's stuck without running water or heat at a farm in the middle of nowhere and can someone send money?"

"My daughter and I are really hungry. We have nothing, and nothing to eat. Please, can someone help us?" (I have a soft heart. I assume these are all scams, but that one fucking got me)

"Can anybody help? I'm a single mom with three kids and no job and easter is coming up..."

"Single father of seven needs help..."

"I'm a newly divorced mom of three, can anybody pay for my vacation?"

"Volunteer needed to pack my stuff as I am moving" - What? What is wrong with people?

"My diabetic dog is going to die please send money"

"Wanted: Free furniture"

I get to the third page of this stuff. And then I see it.

"Volunteer to help children in India"
"Volunteer to build houses in Nepal"
"Volunteer to teach english in Ghana"
 "Volunteer to _____ in _______"

God...Is it bad that that looks so appealing?

Click to the next page. "Old man willing to spend time with young women and teach them to drive"

Monday, April 2, 2018


The girl I like, well the girl I get the closest to liking, hates me.

Except that's not what it is. If she hated me I could find colour in that. If she hates me, she loves me. There would be something there, I could work with that. A man can survive that and turn it around. There are stories about people who love and hate and love again. I've seen it with the clients. Hate equals hope. And that's the problem. She doesn't hate me.

She doesn't even remember I exist. That's what kills a man.

I creep her media sometimes. She is back with her LTR. Fine. She's probably bored as fuck and running around on him again. That's how she met me, after all. But I'm pissed she doesn't even ask me if I want to hang out. I don't know if I would, but I just want to be asked.

The only reason I care is because she doesn't. What a mind worm.

I have a buddy who makes fun of me for being in love with this woman, but I'm not. I know what love is. But this is worse. I'm pining for the attention of a woman because she has withdrawn it, and I'm never getting it back. Does that make sense? Her withdrawal is what has be enticed. I didn't like her this much when she was with me.

Don't text her, don't call her, delete her from your phone. And I don't text her, and I don't call her, but I can't delete her from my phone. That would be permanent. I'd have to accept my failure then. I never fail with girls, I always kick them off. Maybe that's it.

Got me singing the Blues though.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Poor Girl

I got her number at the dog park. I go everyday. I leave my dog at my parents when I go to work, and pick her up after I get off. And then we head to the park. I have two I usually go to. They are situated on either side of the valley. Sandy Beach and 15A. Rich people parks. Women are there, wives of rich men, accomplished in their own right. They don't marry down, you know? Sometimes there is a nanny there. You're cute, but I have a boyfriend.

Of the two, there are more normal people at 15A. Last time I was at Sandy Beach there was a rich man there talking about how the rich school he sent his daughter too was accusing him of touching his daughter. That's rich, I thought. At 15A I've seen people break up or talk about how they hate their boss or some other mundane thing. Normal.

My dog is a GSP. She's black and speckled. She should be brown. She's a mix of a GSP and a Musterlander. She's a mutt. Like me. I only ever get mutts. She's the first dog I didn't get from a rescue, and sometimes I feel bad about it. When I went to the pound all they had were pitbulls, and a dog that looked like my dead one. When I saw it I cried. There was a big rough biker looking guy there and he put his arm around me and said it would be ok. No homo.

She's very independent at the park. She runs around and goes 100 yards away from me and all the way back. She plays with all the dogs and tries to climb trees to get to birds. She pulls sticks off of trees and runs around and plays. She is joy personified. I like watching her at the park.

Is she field trained? I turn to look and I'm surprised. A cute face is asking me. She's wearing a white toque and she has big black prescription glasses on. She has brown skin, not like an arab or sri lanka though, like it's tanned. But it's not a tan. Maybe she's Mexican. She's shorter than me, and her eyes shine with a sweetness. Fuck me. Just my type. I don't even look at her body other than a quick check to see if she's fat. I can't tell, she is wearing a coat. She isn't obese though, and might even be skinny. I'm in trouble.

No. Just train her myself, and I never train her. She's a natural, you know? Like me. I say that with a smile. Back off, man. If you like them they don't like you. So I stop smiling and keep walking. She keeps walking too. Fuck.

I talk to her. Can use the practice. Ric Flair said he still flirts and he's fucked ten thousand of them. If he goes through the motions so should I. I ask her about her dog. She asks about mine. Where'd I get her? Pure bred? Mutts are better, anyways. Maybe she is a mutt, like me.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Flames Suck

This girl. At this point it's pathetic. But she has my brain wormed. And it's not like I'm not seeing other girls. And it isn't like I'm also not seeing other girls. You know what I mean? But whatever. I'm sick of the topic. Let me write something about the Flames that you already know.

They suck.

That's it. No analysis. No stats or anything fancy. I'm a season ticket holder. I have to go sit in my shitty seats and watch this shitty team and drink in the shitty Dome atmosphere, potentially, 41 times a year. I think I went to 20 games, max, this year. It's probably lower. Fuck this shit. Losing sucks.

When you lose more games at home than you win, what is the fucking point of the ticket? I'm not going to not renew, but holy shit did this season kill something in my fandom. Hyping this team like it was something special and then having them basically quit on the season for large portions of's not good. It's not cute. It's fucking bullshit, is what it is.

Obviously the coaching staff should get fired. People who try to fiddle with that should be ridiculed harshly. Who gives a fuck. The team, pretending they were in must win games, has not shown up to play. That's them not giving a fuck about the coach. They don't give a fuck about the coach because the coach doesn't publicly embarrass them. It's as simple as that. Don't you people fucking get it?

The players are shit, too. The C should be stripped off of Gio's sweater. The only guy who comes off as giving a shit is the very young Mr. Tkachuk, or however you spell that kids name. Good player. One of the only likeable players on the team, from a fan perspective. Give him the C. Mr. John Hockey also has some passion. Put an A on his sweater if he doesn't already have one. The other A can go to Gio. Anyone but Brouwer. Fuck these guys.

And how do you fix Brouwer? I'd play him with 13. That way you will at least get some production out of him. Who else could you stick him with that could lift him up? Monahan (is that how you spell his name? I don't even remember he is so invisible)? Yeah fucking right. 23 should be split from 13 anyways. If the kid is a player, let him play on his own. I'd trade him. There, I said it.

13+39. 23+19. 11+whatever number frolik is. 77+93. That's how I'd make the lines. Then you slot the remaining guys into the remaining slots. 13+39 might not work because they don't have a centre. Sign Tavares.

They should buy 39 out anyways. That's the real truth. Is this team committed to winning or not? If it was committed to winning they would gas the coaching staff, sign a coach with a name, and buyout Brouwer. Will they do that? Is anybody holding their breath?

The defence sucks. 27 has grown on me, I'd keep him. I like 5. Brodie and Hamonic and the rest of them are all hot garbage. I keep hearing we have a prosect or two on the farm that plays D. Why not trade Brodie and Hamonic (Harmonic? What is his fucking name? Travis?) and play these kid prospects. Free up cap space for Tavares. Or Kane. Or Karlsson. That's what I'd do.

In short, this team is fucked. But it's salvageable. It needs a new wardrobe though. Badly.

And fire the in game entertainment people. This shit has been boring and stale for the four years I have owned  season tickets.  

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Booty and at Tax Time?

Fuck. You ever have a piece of ass you just can't forget? Like, you dream about it? You close your eyes and it floats into your consciousness? Every dip and wrinkle or whatever it had? I got it bad, a real bad case of the booty dreams. It's all I think about, and I have other stuff to think about.

It drives me crazy. And at tax time, too. Tax time is the worst. You have other, normal shit you have to get done, the corporate tax shit, and then I have an influx of about 600 personal tax clients, and they all bug you for this or that and you can't tell them it isn't important, you have to take it all very seriously. They drop off all their shit and then call and call and call to get you to do it and then you file and then they tell you they had other shit to drop off why did you file and you just want to choke them but you can't. And then you close your eyes and you see the booty.

God, I can still smell the girls hair. Fucking torture. You always fall for the ones who want nothing to do with you when they turn on you. That's like God's favourite prank. And the real truth is the only reason you want the girl isn't because of love or any of that shit. Not even for the booty, well, not entirely. No, you want the girl because she doesn't want you. You only want the girl because she's back fucking her long term boyfriend. If she was fucking you, you wouldn't want her anymore. Well, the last part is what I tell myself. I'd probably be fine with her if she was still fucking me. Although I'm sure I'd find another reason to complain.

Tax time drives you crazy. Girls drive you crazy. You are suppose to be Buddha and detach, I know. You aren't suppose to get your happiness from work or from girls. It's good advice if you can work the trick. I fake it like I'm like that to the outside world. Myself, I can't lie to myself, not very well.

I don't even miss her. I miss choking her and spitting in her mouth and the look on her face when I'd shove my cock in her. I miss pulling her hair and how she tastes and I miss leaving hand prints in her ass. But I don't miss her. She was annoying. Why'd she have to be cute?

And at tax time, too. Crazy. 

Friday, March 16, 2018

Dumb Move

The dumbest thing I did this month was kill off my stable of hoes. I did it because it's tax season and I get so exhausted during the two months. Hoes are exhausting as it is and I figured I shouldn't be chasing tail and all that. Only so much energy to go around.

I didn't cut off all my hoes, I kept a few, but I consciously let the majority of plates I was spinning fall. What a fucking mistake.

Girls want a guy who is fucking 100 girls already. They do. The secrets to getting a woman to like you are to act like you don't like them*, and to be fucking a bunch already**. I think they can smell when you are. They have some mechanism. Because as soon as I let the hoe stable out of the barn, the hoes I kept had an attitude change on me.

I had a good thing going with this one girl where I'd show up once a week and bang. She now all of a sudden wanted to be my girlfriend. During tax season? Fuck that shit. So she got very mad and hasn't communicated with me for a couple of days now. The other girl I had pulled similar shit. "Working late on the office" became "you are cheating on me." and I smelled a shit test so I said "I can't be cheating on you because we aren't dating." Even that was giving the shit test too much merit, I should have just said "obviously." but I didn't. Same thing. She hasn't sent me any nudes in about a week. Terrible.

Now I'm faced with having to rebuild my prospects when my social energy is very low. I know you are supposed to fake it but even the thought of having to perform is draining my chi right now. Having a few chicks I could use to relieve stress at the end of the week was nice. Oh well. (I got rid of the dating apps so I am forced to actually leave the house for pussy. I am not going back. So far.)

Moral of the story is to spin as many plates as you possibly can. 

* I once heard it formulated as: Women like things that don't like them back. That's why they like cats. Be like a cat.

** You saw that story about the chick who went crazy when she thought her man was fooling around on her? That's the type of passion having another chick, or even the threat of having another chick, aroused in women. They love it.

Saturday, March 10, 2018


It's been months. Months. But I finally did it. I came. I was fucking a chick and there was something about her, and I cracked. Busted the nut. Finally. I'm not broken.

You know what it was? The girls I was fucking were too nice. They loved the shit I would do to them because they were used to fucking nice guys. But they didn't know how to participate, because they were used to this nice shit. So I would go nuts and they would love it but they couldn't match my energy. I was giving it and they were taking it. But I need to get the energy back, too. I'm more than just a gigolo, or however the song goes.

This chick...she knew how to act. Which is terrible. A chick like that...they will steal your soul. A buddy of mine once told me you can't sleep with a chick like that more than a couple of times because they will hook you, you will get addicted. So I might have to blow her off, because she can blow me off. Ironic?

But damn. Finally. Finally. I thought I was done for. 

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Deleted Dating Apps, Two Weeks In

Oh lawd.

I had become a bit of a whore and it was not making me any happier. I had become a whore because I actually fell for a girl, like an idiot. When you fall for a pretty girl they can smell it. It disgusts them. They then let you get just comfortable enough so that when they rip your heart out the wound isn't able to clot. It bleeds and bleeds and bleeds and you eventually get sick of it and you have to seek out some gauze. My gauze was new, strange women.

So I downloaded these STD apps, tinder, bumble, even match, and started 'mingling'. It was easier to use these things than to actually go out. These things can be brutal on you. I suspect that there are a few guys who get most of the matches, while the rest of us chumps sit around and wonder if the thing is broken. I got about a match a week, and I thought that was really good. To be honest, I have (had?) a fairly high conversion rate. Over 50%. I think that's ok.

The girl I still miss (god, how pathetic, she's probably forgotten my name, you know?) killed my spirit in November. I had three dates that week, I was so pissed off with her. I converted one of em, a chick from Ghana. December I had another chick, some nondescript white girl, a single mother. I never called her again. January I had two. The infamous new years eve girl, and yet another nondescript white single mom. She hadn't been treated rough before. She liked getting choked (don't they all?). She still texts me every once in a while. February was an ok month. I got with my first Asian girl. She had never been tied up before. I was very rough with her, left bruises on her and everything. I though she would never talk to me again but she wont leave me alone. I see her once a week. I also got with a 22 year old white girl. She was weird. She had told me she was french and had armpit hair. She was not french, and she did not have armpit hair. 22 year old pussy is great, especially when you get older. But her not being able to moan things in french really disappointed me. I made her squirt though. What a mistake that is. If you make a woman squirt they don't stop texting you. I should have made Sri Lanka squirt.

But trying to forget a girl by using other girls wasn't making me happy. It did make me forget about the other girl, a week at a time, but she was always lurking in the periphery. A buddy of mine gave me a talking to, and I took his words to heart. He told me to get off the dating apps, to get girls off my mind period, and take some time for myself. I thought the advice was solid, so I took it. I deleted the dating apps off my phone, cold turkey.

Is it working DB? No, dear reader, it is not working. I miss the girl I miss more than I did when I was whoring. I think at this point I don't miss her so much as have it as a habit to miss her. Having the Asian girl is nice, but she want's to be more than a weekly lay and so that's going to explode at some point. The best part of deleting the apps is it makes you go out in real life to meet women. I got a girls number at the casino, which was nice. I got another girls number standing in line at a deli. But for those two numbers I probably stuck out 20 times. My conversion rate is far lower than 50%. That's normal though, I think.

It's tax season now. Hopefully that can keep my mind occupied. 

Thursday, January 25, 2018

I Can't Cum. WTF?

Howdy stanger. Been awhile.

I have a problem. It's not a fun problem, so I don't really want to talk about it with people I know. So I figured I'd share it with the internet. Nobody reads this blog anymore anyways. Safe space.

I can't cum. Well, I can, but not when I'm fucking a girl. It's...disconcerting, to say the least.

I've had this problem since at least the summer. And I don't know why. It's really messing me up though. Sex is fun and all that, but without a 'payoff', so to speak, I'm starting to just view it as a (pleasant) cardio exercise. And who likes cardio? I don't.

I noticed the problem when I met a girl in the summer. If you follow my twitter you may know about her. She was a Sri Lankan. Hot chick. Hourglass figure. Tits and ass. Curves. Usually I go for skinny heroin addict looking girls, so this was a new type for me. I quite liked it.

And she could fuck. Last year I got into 'pick up' and 'red pill' stuff, which kinda boils down to 'be confident and dominant'. And boy did she respond to that shit. I wonder if anybody had treated her like that before. I think she was used to guys walking on egg shells. I didn't, I just took her. Didn't even ask. And she loved it, I think, because her was good. Didn't say anything when I took the rope out to tie her up. Loved the handcuffs. Enjoyed fucking in fake-risque places (like I'd open my blinds up and fuck her on my living room couch. She liked the thrill of 'someone might see us'). She was kinda a freak, and I liked it. That's the reason I still miss her. She was boring otherwise.

But the point: For three months, three or four times a week, I was dominating this hot girl, she was basically letting me do whatever I wanted to her body, and you know how many times I came? Once. One time. One freaking time. And that was from her giving me a handjob, where I had to grab her hand and guide her.

One time. What the hell is wrong with me?

After she split, I've gone on a bit of a hoe parade. She left in November, and I've had some girls since. Same thing. Can't cum. Now, not all of those girls were as good in bed, they wouldn't let me choke and bite and spit in their faces, which is fine but if bad guy fucking isn't doing it for me then you can imagine my boredom with nice guy fucking. And some of the girls just weren't hot. If you follow my twitter you may have heard my news year story, for instance (that's a good one, actually). But a hot wet hole is a hot wet hole. I just can't cum.

Now the current girl I'm running with is an Asian girl. She's cute enough but I'm not animal attracted to her. Still, she's a freak. She's freakier than the Sri Lankan. I literally left bruises on her, and she loved it. Still: I can't cum for this poor girl. She has begged me to cum in her mouth and I can't do it.  Imagine that. What a fucking nightmare.

And honestly, I feel bad for these girls. Girls like making a guy cum. They do. It's like an accomplishment to them. I think it hurts their self esteem when they can't make me explode. I can see it in their eyes. I have to come up with excuses so they don't get sad. I'm nervous. I'm tired. I'm whatever. It's not you, baby, it's me.

And it could be. What I'm going to try is to go cold turkey on masturbation. That way the only way I'll be able to get some release is with a woman. That should reset my brain, I hope. Fuck, I hope.

Or it could be the women. I'm old enough I should know what I want, but maybe I don't. Or maybe it's the way I'm having sex. I mean, I'm having sex with girls who I barely know. There is no emotional attachment. Maybe that's what I need. But that wouldn't explain why I couldn't cum in the Sri Lankan. Or maybe it does. Maybe I didn't have any attachment to her beyond sex.

I really don't know. I'm grasping at straws. I just know the inability to bust a nut with a girl is driving me crazy, and I had to get it off my chest.