Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Don't Kiss Chicks Hands As An Adios Move, Dudes.

Ok ok ok ok ok.

So I'm at the game last night, as is my want, as I am a fancy pants season ticket holder. My seats are in the nosebleeds, which is fine, but not ideal. The good thing about the seats is that you get a good view of seats in the upper and lower bowl that are empty.

We (shitty writing, who is we? My brother and I, now fuck off) get to the game late, get beer, get food, and get to our seats. There is about 10 minutes left in the first. We sit down for about a minute, scout out the place, find some good seats that are empty, and proceed to make our move.

The seats we have selected are in the lower bowl, in the section that is right above the zamboni entrance. People have told me this is 104. I don't really know. What I do know, from previous discussions, is that a chunk of this 104 section is for the team. In English, that means it is the friends and family section.

So we get down to the section, and there is half a row of empty seats. As we made our way down from the nosebleeds, other people have started to fill up the empty row. Fellow travelers.

I've been down in the 104's before, quite a few times, actually. Usually it is not filled with hotties. This time, it was filled with a bevy of blondes. WAGS. Which is pretty cool, because they are pretty, and what guy doesn't like taking in the scenery?

Sitting in the occupied half of the row is a blonde and her blonde friend and the blondes baby. She keeps saying stuff like "waive to daddy!", which is kinda a tell. In front of me sits a blonde (twitter told me she was TJ Brodie's squeeze), a redhead (cheered very loudly when Bouma scored, so...), a dude, a brunette (dude's wife? idk), and then a top shelf candy blonde. Also, there are two dudes sitting to the right of the candy blonde, which will become important later.

The focus of my story is the candy blonde. 

The candy blonde is wearing a leather jacket, leather pants, fancy nails, heels, hair done up, make up, pouty lips (which is why she is a candy blonde), the whole nine. I'm on my best behavior. I don't even say "hello." to the girl.

However, a fellow seat stealer, who, despite all the cues around him seems to not have picked up what section he is sitting in, is not worried about decorum and all that bullshit. He is worried about love. And the heart wants what it wants. And he wants candy.

Homie makes his move, and everyone, and I mean everyone, in the section, holds their breath. We are all pretending to watch the hockey game, but the real game everyone is watching is Romeo try to seduce the candy blonde.

And Romeo starts out strong, I got to say. His opening line was "You don't look like you are enjoying the game." and she bites. She turns around and starts talking to Romeo. He introduces himself. They shake hands. All is good, but Romeo doesn't read the situation right. He doesn't slow play.

Romeo: Are you here alone?

Candy Blonde: Yeah, sort of.

Romeo: Why don't we get out of here at the end of the period and go grab a drink?

Candy blonde demurs.

And then Romeo looks at the blonde/redhead/dude/brunette combo sitting next to the candy blonde and says "Your friends can come, too. Drinks on me."

But again, candy blonde demurs.

Now Romeo is about to drop another line when the two dudes sitting to the right of the candy blonde interrupt. "Buddy, you don't get it. She is here with one of the guys on the ice!",a nd candy blonde laughs in a way that indicates that it is true.

Game over, right? I would think so. But Romeo scrambles. He attempts a last ditch attempt at seduction. He puts out his hand again in the universal gesture of the handshake. When candy blonde goes to shake his hand, I guess to say goodbye, the dude brings her hand up to his mouth, and kisses it.

Kisses. Her. Hand.

I almost threw up in my mouth. You know that scene in "Don't be a menace in south central while drinking juice in the hood" when the one Wayan licks the neighborhood bicycle's feet? That feeling I had watching that (revulsion) is the same feeling I felt watching dude kiss this chicks hand.

And let me tell you why: The 'kiss her hand' move is...and this is skeevy too...an introduction move. Hi, I am Romeo. Hi Romeo, I am Juliet. And then Romeo would kiss her hand and say something like "enchanted". It is also a move you should only attempt when properly dressed (ie in a suit for fucks sake) and in a proper setting (like in a formal ball, you skeevy fuck). It is not a move you pull after hearing the chick has a boyfriend and is shooting your advances down. It is also not a move you pull as a goodbye.

Because it's fucking gross to pull that shit at a hockey game. Hands are gross, mouths are gross, and strangers are gross. It's the Bermuda triangle of puke.

Anyway, dude kisses her hand, everyone in 104 laughs, and candy blonde has to sit there for the rest of the game in this awkward ass situation. Not to mention Romeo, but Romeo has no shame, and I know because he went to kiss a girls hand when she basically said "no I do not want to fuck you."

So that's the story I wanted to share.

Other shit that happened: All WAGS hate other WAGS. They talk shit on each other when they get up to leave to go to the bathroom.

Some Flames employee asks me if I want to ride the zamboni but I said no because there were little kids around. I say take on the of the kids, and the flames employee does. Then the zambonis come out and nobody is riding them. When the flames employee and the kid comes back, the kid says to me "I was scared to ride the zamboni.", so the lesson here is to never be nice to children. Because they are scared cowards.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.



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