Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Line

Line: G/A/P/PlusMinus/PIM/Shots/TOI

Sven's line: 0/0/0/0/2/1/9:08

Sven's line, game deuce:  1/0/1/0/0/3/10:41

And you know, maybe I am wrong, but he doesn't look small. He doesn't look like Byron or Backlund when you watch him (admittedly on TV), you know?

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The MC

(And that's your hint)

Who am I? Sven Baertschi, la-di-da-di

Who am I? If you're like me goal scoring is in your body,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

When the games is tied and you need a proceeder,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

When you need an on ice leader to display the games triple features,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

When you need to rock your 20,000 seat arena, best believe-uh,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

When you need to get the word on the ice with demeanor,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

I beg thee, I score goals, mucho plenty,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi, Whalen have mercy,

I score sudden like Fleury,

In my new Flame jersey, stay thirsty,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

Showing my offensive superiority,

Goal scoring a priority, now you starting me,

'Cause coaching philosophy can only be carried out by,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

No doubt, seeing far ahead what will set the play off immensely,

With plenty of who? Sven Baertschi!

Trained at the rinks of Langenthal in Switzy,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

Skating through opposing teams with harmonious rhythm,

Cuz the moves that I'm dipping, the crowd miss em,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi! Again, Sven Baertschi!

My infinite goal scoring prowess, oppressed fans sent me to tell you,

If you truly study offensive flow and skate on your toes you will be,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

and as Sven Baertschi you will study puck magic,

Toe and heel drags 'cause you attract it,

Control the puck, never lose it in traffic,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

Non-stoppin' Baertschi. Goal scorin' Baertschi,

Shot blockin', assist droppin', top shelf poppin' Baertschi

I laugh 'cause I mastered the craft, Baertschi,

In ice clash I'm the first and the last Baertschi,

It's sort of like Lanny throwing that task to me,

I black out and wake up to a hatrick, G',

Leaving goalies in dread from the hole my puck leaves massively, wow!

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

Untouchable, can't be caught off guard with fast checks or slow backtracks,

Puck bunnies asses gets waxed, Sven Baertschi attacks racks with no slack,

Known throughout all cultures, snipers, role players, and hacks,

Never missed it, the exquisite,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi!

Premeditated scorer,

Killing negative concepts out of the mind of the scouting observer,

Sven Baertschi!

You deserve a break from the Fata's, the counter fit, false and fake,

Claiming to be a prospect like Baertschi for heavens sake,

Well the real Baertschi done raised the sakes,

Under stress from the press,

The rookie scoring records bound to break,

Who am I? Sven Baertschi! Again? Sven Baertschi!

Conduct yourself properly Baertschi.


Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

The Google Keeps Killing The Rosa

I don't know why it does it. I had to do a loop around the blogger upload system to even get it to accept a .gif in the first place. Maybe the immune system of the thing catches on after a period of time. I have no idea why it wants to take away those swinging hips from everyone.

Maybe blogger is uncomfortable with girls?

Anyways people, SVEN!

(Actually, the cynic in me is all like, really? Didn't you have the Winnipeg game sold out already?)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Flames Win Super Tuesday

I'm conflicted. I kinda want the team to lose a lot of games so we can get a decent pick.

Fuck it. We won. Rosa.

Also, Rob Kerr is just an awful PxP guy. We basically have a season's worth of evidence to confirm it. I don't want to have anybody come up in here going "Well you need at least 3 years and 1000 sponsor reads worth of data to make a judgement" either. The guy is terrible.

You know, most guys have to pay their dues in some bodunk little no name village for years before they get a shot at the big leagues. That's why when they make it to the bigs they sound polished. They have the experience, but also they don't want to go back to calling games in no name villages again.

Rob Kerr got his job on the basis of a friendship with Ken King. And it shows.  

Rob Kerr leads the league in Bore-si.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Boo Rene Bourque

Rene Bourque is so lazy he doesn't even know French.

Honestly, I can't stress how enjoyable not having Rene Bourque on the team has been. I don't even know what it is, because the team didn't exactly become world beaters with Bourques departure.

Wait, I know. It's because I don't have to watch someone with all the physical tools in the world float around the ice anymore. Well, besides Jarome, that is.

Also I always hated that extension. Vindication is always nice. First Loubo, then Rene, and soon Ken King and Jay Feaster. And once King is gone, Rob Kerr will no longer be allowed to ruin Flames game broadcasts. There is light at the end of this tunnel, friends.

But back to the topic at hand, which is Rene. Because lets face it, there is only one reason to be watching this game tonight, and that is because it is the return of Rene. The playoffs are done, notwithstanding what the salesmen on the FAN960 want to sell you. The team is boring to watch, and while it is an original six matchup, Montreal doesn't have that same jazz to it when they are dead last in their conference. Maybe you want to get another look at all the Heat players who aren't good enough to contribute in a meaningful way to the club next year?

But for the majority of us, the only compelling reason to watch (on mute, with the radio on so one can hear HOF Maher instead of the human Quaalude that is Rob Kerr) is to get one last glimpse of that famous Rene Bourque Indifference.

Hey guys, remember when the Flames had a trip to Nashville earlier in the year, and Rene Bourque got the Tootsie Flu? That's my favourite Rene Bourque Doesn't Care story. But there are others. Remember when he took that lazy penalty late in that game? Remember when he took that dirty cheap shot on that player in that one game? Remember that one time when he lost the board battle to a smaller player? Remember how, in that one game, he seemed to be easily cowed from going into the scoring area?

Of course you don't. Because that shit happened in almost every game Bourque suited up for.

I'm looking back at the stats, and you have to wonder what happened. Back to back 50+ point seasons, 25+ goals, and over 200 shots. And this season he is on pace for less than 200 shots, less than 20 goals, and less than 30 points.  

It's the curse of the 'Big Frame'. Bourque is a living monument to frustration; People who play see Rene, and they think "If I had that body" or "If I had those hands" and they imagine what they would do if they had been blessed the same way Rene has been. And everyone imagines the bull they would be. And then they open their eyes and look at Rene and see not a bull, but a steer.

Which is why it has been so enjoyable not having to watch his ass waste space in a Calgary Flames uniform. And which is why it is going to so cathartic, which seems an appropriate word, to boo Rene Bourque when he makes his return to the Saddledome tonight.

To me, this isn't even a question. The club extended a player, and the players level of play dropped off after the extension. To me, that is a boo-able offense. Plain and simple. Add to that all the embarrassment Bourque caused the jersey to suffer with his stupid, lazy, selfish, and dirty play, and really, the debate should be: Boo Rene Bourque continuously, or only whenever he touches the puck?

I caught this little interview Rene gave when he got traded, and some funny things were mentioned in it. 

Rene Bourque on his game: "Every player is different and every game is different. Some-times you get a lot of hits in a game and sometimes you don't. I am a big body, so I try and get in a little on the forecheck and make some hits when we are getting the puck in deep. I just want to play a solid two-way game. I have some offensive skill, but I need to play good defence and be a solid two-way forward."

Rene Bourque on whether or not he is a dirty player:  "You have to be a little bit careful. I have never been a dirty player, but I got caught twice there in a few weeks and it kind of changes the reputation pretty quick. But I am not really worried about it. Both of the plays weren't intentional, they were just accidents. So, hopefully, I learn from them and move on."

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Not That You Didn't Already Know

A depth chart for next year, sorta.

RFA's are ranked lower than signed guys by default. Tanguay could be flipped with Glencross as the clubs second best LW. Hell, the way he played before he got injured, you could argue he should be ranked in the one spot. Other than shouldn't be too controversial a representation.

This club has glaring depth issues.

I don't see any top six centres. I only see one top six RW. I think you could live with Cammo, Tanguay, Glencross, The defence needs an upgrade. Hopefully the club is able to move Bouwmeester in the offseason, and address the glaring salary structure issues his contract/production create.

That's depressing. They would need to bring in a quality top six RW, two top six Centres, a top pairing D guy (or two if they trade Bouwmeester). The cap will rise, and it looks like the club will have around 20 million dollars to spend in the offseason. But that's a minimum four guys who are probably going to cost that the club would need to bring in if it wanted to legitimately sell the hope that it was a contender.

And if you look at what is potentially available on the UFA market...Does Jokinen, Grabovski, Semin and Nick Grossman appeal to anybody? (5+5+7+3=20)

Actually...that would add be about 150 points...

No. European mercenaries are not the answer, I don't think.

Anyway, this team looks like it could be fucked. And teams in fucked positions sometimes do fucked up things. Which is going to be fun to chronicle, no doubt.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.