Thursday, May 24, 2012

On The Flames Search For A Bendable Coach

At the end of the 2012 season the Calgary Flames and their head coach parted ways. Ever since they have been a team without a coach, seemingly without a direction, and a lot of questions.

Who would be the next head coach? What type of system would he employ? Would the new guy be able to relate to the locker room? For that matter, what type of locker room would the new coach be walking into?

Lots of questions, but very little in the way of answers. The hockey team provides the little information it does divulge via baseball metaphor: The team is in the middle innings of the process. 

Names have been leaked through various mediums; Hartley, Sullivan, Ward, Wickenheiser. But of the number of candidates being considered, the team divulges little information besides that the list they have is a manageable one.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, rumours began to circulate about the type of coach the Calgary Flames were looking for. From the mouth of TSN Hockey Insider™ Darren Dreger: The Flames are looking for a coach Murray Edwards and Ken King 'can bend'.

Well, we here at Dome Beers, being the helpers that we are, have put together a list of candidates that we feel meets what has been suggested to be the most important requirement for the job: pliancy.

Candidate #1: Anna

Qualifications: Anna's qualities are obvious: she looks good in black, the number one colour worn in today's workplace. Beyond that, she brings a knowledge about IT which coincides nicely with the organizations embrace of technology. She could certainly handle our PUCKS! system.

Bendability Factor: Hello hockey fans!

Candidate #2: Brenda

Qualifications: Brenda brings several things to the Flames head coaching position. Hey, did we say several? We meant one. She can put her leg behind her head. As an added bonus though, she seems like she wouldn't mind taking the C-Train.

Bendability Factor: Malfunction at the junction.

Candidate #3: Cynthia

Qualifications: Cynthia has the potential to bring something to the Flames organization that it currently lacks; a knowledge, background, and skill set that Murray Edwards, Ken King, and Jay Feaster simply lack: experience actually playing sports.

Bendability Factor: Skeeeyores!

Candidate #4: Daisy

Qualifications: Daisy represents a chance for the Flames to cash in on the buzz created by the CBC's featuring the gals from 'While The Men Watch'. A prototypical players coach, Daisy thinks her love of making baked goods and Matt Stajan's fondness for eating baked goods could invigorate the slumping forward. She may also remind Jay Bouwmeester of his mom, and we all know Jay's best games come when he thinks Mommy is watching.

Bendability Factor: Yeah, baby!

Candidate #5: Eliza

Qualifications: Her boots. Dummy.

Bendability Factor: Ring-a-ding-dong dandy!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.


  1. Does Rob Kerr have a signature call?

  2. Even if he did, who'd remember it, he's so freaking vanilla. The worst of the lot.

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