Tuesday, February 28, 2012

George Johnson Likes The Metaphors And Similes

Hey guys. Trade deadline sucked, eh? The crazy GM didn't follow through with his threat to ship out all those stinking bum players and oh look the team blew another lead at home.

Matt Stajan!

Matt Stajan! indeed. Hey, you know what I am wondering, though? Just what type of mood George Johnson is in.

Flames Pick Bad Time To Deliver Flat Effort

"Warning! Warning! Don’t get behind these Hitch-honed Bluenotes. They do lockdown better than Alcatraz."


"The Calgary Flames are starting to lose the plot. Unravelling like a ball of granny’s knitting near a frisky kitten."

Not just kittens, motherfucker, but frisky kittens. 

"Since clambering up to the rather modest heights of eighth place in the West on Family Day Weekend, the locals have pooched four games in a row."
I say the 'pooched' counts. As it follows after his kitten simile. 
"They briefly touched their seemingly-impossible goal then, too, before slipping back into the inky abyss."
Now I am a proud member of the unwashed masses, so I had no idea abyss's were 'inky'. I googled the thing and it came back with 150K results, so yeah, I guess 'inky abyss' is a thing. I also found this. George Johnson is a cultured mofo, mofo's. 
"And they’ve not demonstrated the mental resolve to cling tight to something so precious."
George must be sick. He missed a perfectly good opportunity for a Lords Of The Ring reference. 
"Of more concern, the magnificent Miikka Kiprusoff, arguably for the first time this campaign, seemed tired, a trifle frayed at the edges. An uncharacteristically weak first goal surrendered, from off the right wing off the supersized David Backes, tied the game — Curtis Glencross propelling Calgary ahead — jolting the St. Louis wiring into action."
'Frayed', 'Propelled', 'Wiring'. You know, I think these all deal with electricity in some way. I'm giving Johnson points. 
"...mounting a comeback seemed a bridge too far for Iginla and Co." 
A war reference out of nowhere. Points deducted.
"In a difficult spell such as this, you simply cannot compound problems with avoidable sins."
Eww. 'Difficult spell; and 'Compound' is really good, and since alchemy has at some times been seen as the purview of the devil, I'm even ok with the awkward use of the word sin at the end. 
Alright. He writes another paragraph where the Flames are basically described as slow and plodding and he then follows that up with a paragraph about how the Blues are crisp and efficient. It's cute but not relevant to the score.
Let's add this shit up:
So we have prison, frisky kittens, pooched, inky abyss, a missed Lord of the Rings reference, poor wiring smack, A Bridge Too Far (awesome movie) and alchemy. What does that equal? George Johnson gets high before he writes. QED.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.


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