Friday, February 24, 2012

Feaster's Heel Turn

The now famous Heel turn:

It feels like Bash at the Beach 96!

From wikipedia, which is never wrong:

"The term "heel" is most likely derived from a slang usage of the word that first appeared around 1914, meaning "contemptible person". Common heel behavior includes cheating to win (e.g., using the ropes for leverage while pinning or attacking with foreign objects while the referee is looking away), attacking other wrestlers backstage, interfering with other wrestlers' matches, insulting the fans (referred to as "cheap heat"), and acting in a haughty or superior manner."

Got that? And we can see from that definition Feaster did definitely turn heel. We saw Feaster attack his 'wrestlers' 'backstage' by giving that shoot interview on the players during intermission. He insulted the fans by expecting us to believe he was working on a two game evaluation period, and he delivered the promo 'in a haughty or superior manner."

But while Feaster did very well at his first attempted heel turn in this city (Remember, he was an 'I'll beat all the Oilers up' face character before this), we feel he was missing some things that could have made his heel turn even more epic.

But you don't know if you don't know. So in that spirit, we would like to present Feaster The Butcher with some tips and suggestions for the next time he wants to do a shoot promo.

The Look: There are two ways to go with this one. Feaster can choose to be an egotistical heel, and show up shirtless, oiled up, and flexing. Of course, this would require a huge investment of time spent with Jungle Jim (Rich Hesketh is a fraud, Backlund ways 100 pounds). Also, it would require SNET start tagging their games with a parental advisory notice. The other way Feaster can work this is to go monster heel. Big Van Vader stylez, yo.

It's time! It's time! It's Feaster time!
The Accessories: Every great heel has a little gimmick about not only their look, but also what they choose to accessorize with. Honky Tonk Man brought out his guitar to the ring so he could smash people over the head with it. Jake The Snake Roberts brought his, well, snake out with him (we will never forgive him for ruining Macho Mans wedding!). Hollywood Hulk Hogan rolled with his dark sunglasses, while Ric Flair rocked the robe.

For an educated, smooth hustler like Feaster though, only one accessory really fits. The boa. We would suggest pink, but it should be in Flames colours. Yellow would work.

The Manager: One of the telltale signs of a classic heel is the arm candy manager. Macho Man had Elizabeth. Rick Flair had...Elizabeth. Lex Luger had...well, Elizabeth. Boy...that must have gotten awkward.

For Feaster, there happens to be a surplus of non-Elizabeth managers to choose from. He could go with an Ice Girl. Why not choose Heather Liscano (although she is a face)? Maybe Peter Maher's daughter?

No. For Heel Feaster, only one stunning piece of ass will do: Jessie Conroy.

The Music: The music a heel comes out to is very important for establishing their character. Take Hulk Hogans classic NWO entrance. The guitar lick instantly let the audience know that Hogan was here to smash heel faces, Mean Gene. Feaster needs a soundtrack that works in a similar fashion to let the audience know just what is up.

Several good choices here. He could go with `Chelsea Dagger`, but we haven`t been BOHICA`ed by the Hawks in a while. Feaster is America, and we all know how the idiot Canadian class hates those yankees. Maybe Dusty Rhodes`s `American Man`? Obviously, the biggest heel move Feaster could make would be to make the Flames effeminate goal song, Barbara Striesand, his entrance music. But it wouldn't fit the new Feaster look.

No, for Heel Feaster, he should be coming out to Shawn Michaels's 'Sexy Boy'.

The Betrayal: Where a heel goes, heartbreak and betrayal go with him. We have seen it time and time again. From the classic Macho Man turning heel on Hulk Hogan and the Mega Powers, to the more contemporary example of R-Truth backstabbing John Morrison (and smoking on live TV while he did it), heel betrayals always leave a mark in the industry. But perhaps none of these heel turns is more famous than the 'Rocker Breakup'. And for Feaster to be a truly classic heel, he needs to betray someone in that type of epic fashion.

Having already taken Conroy's girl, who is next? Ken King, Feaster's partner in crime, comes to mind. We can imagine them eating at the buffet, when Feaster asks King to pass him the salt, and when King reaches over to pass the salt, BAM!. Feaster grabs the back of Kings head and smashes it through the table, ala Marty Jannetty 'jumping through the glass' (in Bobby the Brain Heenan's famous formulation). With King 'out in the hospital' for an extended period of time, Feaster would then be able to run wild on the Flames universe.

To conclude, Feaster's initial heel turn was good. Hell, it was great. But by following a few of our suggestions, he can make his next heel shoot promo the stuff of legend.

Love the heel catchphrase: Intellectual Honesty, by the way. 

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.


  1. not an RTPIC but I will take it.

  2. You'd think this was more of a "face turn", as selling off whatever he can and fixing this shitpile of a hockey team is for the good of the franchise. Staying the course, adding a bloated contract in Cammalleri, and refusing to rebuild has set this sad sack team back another 3+ years.

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