Wednesday, January 18, 2012

In Solidarity With Thieves Everywhere We Also Have Shut Down Our Page Today

Fuck. I love stealing. Love it. Born with the love of theft in my blood. In fact, when I was in utero, I had a twin. Guess what? I stole all the nutrient fluids in the womb, bitch. Motherfucker starved to death, or whatever it is that deprived fetus tumors do.

Seriously, I have been stealing since day one. The moment I came out of Mom's gaping vagina I stole the show, the scene, everything. Nurses were going gaga, it was insane. Couldn't help it; I love stealing, so I had to steal their hearts.

The new born wing of the hospital thing wasn't any better. In fact, I had new born moms trying to steal me, so adept I was at stealing attention. Dad had to post a vigil to make sure I wouldn't be taken. Yeah, I was stealing sleep too.

Once I knew how to walk, (learned by stealing technique tips, of course) the shit just got more and more. I still remember my first trip to the grocery store: Stealing candies, stealing meat, stealing fruits, especially peach; I was three fucking years old and I was sneaking around the laundry section stealing bleach.

At first Mom and Dad thought it was cute. They thought it was a phase. I'd grow out of it, they thought. But how could I? My heart pumps fire and larceny. Any growth would be fueled by those heavenly toxins.

And so as I continued to grow, I stole. And not for anything real, survival wasn't the goal. I just did it. I once stole shoes from the lane that I bowl.

For 'because'.

I've stolen cars. My hero is the kid who stole that plane. I've stolen couches. My hero's are those shady banks who robo-signed America out of their houses.

My sympathies lie with the thief. They be my team, yo. And you know what guys? Today the team needs me. All of us who play for team thief, really. It's an all hands on deck type of thang going on.

Because you see, today a site I use to steal information has gone black. Wikipedia, the English version at least (and who but global communists doesn't use the English language version of the site), has shut down in protest of a proposed American bill called Stop Online Piracy Act. At least I think. Wikipedia isn't up so I can't check.

Obviously, we are for online piracy. How the hell do you think I acquired the worlds most extensive pornographic DVD collection? By paying for it with my own hard earned dollars? Please. I have EA 12 like everyone else: I stole it. Online. Pirating.

I want you all to remember that: I wouldn't have porno or video games if this SOPA thang was around when I was young (well, I would, because I am an excellent thief. But you, the unwashed bungling klepto reading this, you wouldn't.). I wouldn't own Merle Haggard's complete collection, or Goya's entire portrait inventory. I wouldn't have even been able to steal the high falutin Ivy League lecture series that told me about Goya in the first place.

I'd be like...those people in the 50's. Poor souls, unable to steal from the internet. No pigment, all black and white with crackly sound. It would be terrible. You try stealing a girls innocents with a sepia toned face.

So, please, in solidarity with thieves everywhere: Write to your local politician about your love of thievery. Trust me, they will understand. And tell them, End SOPA.

Because if they don't, I may need to start paying for the products I steal online. And that would steal the joy right out of life.

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