Thursday, September 15, 2011

Stuff That Happened

Alright, some housekeeping, and then some preening.

Housekeeping: We are still undecided on how to proceed with the season preview. It will probably come next week. And if not that, something will be up. We are sure of it.

Besides that...we may get more into 'battle-blogging', which is an awkward way to say we are going to slag on the other opposition teams more. Sports jingoism, it's what's for dinner.

Anyways, on to the preening.

So, Dome Beers, anything happen over the summer?

Fuck yes something happened.

1) Peter Loubardias got fired.

This was wonderful news for anybody with taste. And it actually occurred while we were in the desert paradise that is Arizona, making it even more of a beautiful moment. You know what? We are going to let ya'll in.

So we are in Arizona, which is really a very gorgeous state, especially for those of us pretend urban cowboys. Wide open spaces, intense sun, dazzling coloured foothills (which the folk down there call 'mountains', which is cute) and tanned California-girls turned economic refugees. Also, a litre of gin goes for $9.99 American pesos. It's about as close to heaven as one can get with a pulse.

Obviously, we were enjoying ourselves down there. We spent the first couple of days down there drinking and lounging by the pool. It's nice, relaxing, nothing much going on. The hours pass, as does sobriety.

Now it is getting late. We are in no state to go anywhere. Dinner is delivered. A new excuse to drink. After dinner, baseball on tv. A new excuse to drink. After baseball, time to go swimming again. Another excuse to drink. After swimming, hot tub. Drinking.

At this point in the evening, we very well may have been slightly inebriated. People are passing out. It's bed time for Gonzo. But it isn't. It is only like 12 o clock. As people depart for their rooms, we are left by our drunk lonesome to continue drinking. Nobody likes to drink alone, and as we ourselves are contemplating going to bed, we log onto twitter to see what the haps.

Did we say we were drunk yet? We mention it only because when we log onto twitter, the most wonderful news in the entire world greets us: Peter Loubardias out at SNET.

What? Impossible. We are drunk. We are so drunk we have started to hallucinate. We rub our eyes, and look again. The news hasn't rubbed away. 'This can't be true' we think to ourselves. We take another shot of whatever firewater was on hand. News is still there. We grab some tequila, and not blue agave, but bad, cheap tequila, the kind one uses to strip the paint from ones walls. One, two, three go down the hatch. We are fucking awake and alert now, and will be until the shots hit the blood. Check back at the computer screen, and like the writing on Belshazzar's wall, the glorious message is still there, plainly visible for all to see: Peter Loubardias out at SNET.

Domebeer-aholics, we will admit that at this moment, our inner 12 year old girl came out. We screamed like one of them do when they see Justin Bieber. 'Everyone, wake the fuck up!' although at this point, it probably sounded like 'E'ryun, wak fuk uuuuuuuuuuuup!'

As the drunken will do, an investigation was quickly held. To this day, SNET still has a profile page up for Loubardias (which speaks to how un-thorough the people who run SNET are, but that is a topic for another day), so that was no help to us. We can't remember who broke the story, the Dowbiggin tweet or a blog post, or perhaps it was a blog posting about Dowbiggin tweeting. Whatever it was, we found some confirmation.

Which meant it was time to celebrate. Which meant more drinking. Which is why our livers hate Peter Loubardias.

And, for the record, we would have hired Jermain Franklin to be the next PBP guy. Kerr hasn't even been on the job for a month and he has already recorded the worst PBP you will hear all year: 'Whacking, whacking, whacking'.

2) Ken King is GM has started bleeding over into mainstream commentary.

Yeah. That was nice. It means that not only are people listening to us, we were able to persuade them. Winning!

The best part of the bleed over is that the MSM know that there is a community of readers out there who don't buy the organization's sanctioned BS, and the more open we are about talking about Ken King as GM, the more open the MSM will be towards exploring the situation. That's the theory, at least.

Also, we apparently got 'red-flagged' by the organization, who knows what the fuck that means. And told to us by people in the media, no less! That was a big old gold star for us as well.

So, for the blog in general, it was a good summer.

*PS: To all of those who sent us hatemail, thank you. It's a good life, having idiots hate you, and all that.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

We Lost To Angola

Fucking Angola. And we get how it is all the rage these days to build up the self esteem of all the little failed states in the world, but please, Angola? Angola, for reals?

Anyways, the following, from a piece written by the Friedman, made us laugh:

6. Curious to see if Ryan Kesler's lengthy absence (could be mid-November) means Alain Vigneault allows the Sedins - especially Henrik, the centre - to play more of a defensive role. Both ask to kill penalties, but combined for the enormous total of 15 seconds of short-handed play per game. Vigneault also started them more in the offensive zone than any linemates in the NHL, according to the Behind the Net website (half of which I actually understand). 

Too funny. 'Allows' the Sedins to play a more defensive role? As in, they would know what their own end of the rink looks like if only that big meanie Vigneault would 'allow' them to start a shift in it?

This is stupid, stupid, stupid. Vigneault is paid to win games, no? It occurs to us, that in the interest of keeping his job, if playing the Sedins in a defensive role was conducive to the Vancouver Canucks winning games, he would have done so already. Call us crazy, but it is just a theory we have.

You know what Friedman is really writing here? The Canucks think Malhotra is blind, Kesler's old woman injury isn't healing, Chris Higgins finite amount of 'give a fuck' is about to run out, and holy shit Kesler why the hell aren't you healed yet?

Because choosing to play the Sedin Sisters in a defensive role is like choosing prostitution as an occupation. As a rule, nobody does it willingly (But what about the FAN960/Sun/Herald writers? Well, as we said, it is a general rule, and it proves itself by providing exceptions.).

Continuing on, we want to address this little nugget: 'Both (the cone heads) ask to kill penalties'

Does anybody not currently employed in writing the media guide for the 2011-2012 Canucks believe this? Anybody? You want to tell us that the two players the organization has bent over backwards to accommodate, even including trips to the frozen Nordic to convince them to stay in the organization that drafted them (and which made Lebron's offseason courtships look quite reasonable) are 'asking to kill penalties' but Vigneault, who's other job duties, besides trying to win, include 'keeping the Sedins happy so as they don't revert to the reptilian aliens we all know them to be' and 'making sure Loungo doesn't kill himself whenever he reads the paper', is keeping them from doing as such?

The Sedins asking to kill penalties is like when women ask us to use a condom. It's cute, and it shows they care, but it has no weight on the actual tactics employed.

Seriously, you want to tell us that this guy wants to kill penalties?

Really? The guy who is allowing himself to be punched in the face, by a much smaller man, in front of all his teammates, while wearing the 'C', wants to do some dirty work?

Right. And the Flames have 'depth at centre'. Good one.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Shorty On Pre-Season Adverts

Hockey season is right around the corner. It's time to start selling tickets and moving merchandise. To do that, the marketers get called upon to crank out some sizzle that will sell.

The first test of the marketing crew is pre-season. Naturally, a team wants to sell as many tickets to these games as they can, at as close to regular season pricing as they can. The problem is, however, that it is a pre-season game. Nobody likes paying anything close to full price for tickets to an exhibition game.

This creates a dilemma, and the solution to it is advertising. Excitement needs to be generated so as to create some demand for the pre-season tickets. You could talk about getting to see the exciting new rookie first, or perhaps a sneak peak into a coaches new system. Perhaps you can sell people on being one of the first to see your local stadiums new renovations. Or if you are the Calgary Flames, you can just lie sell falsehoods peddle opiate exaggerate.

The Calgary Flames are selling their pre-season tickets with the line, and we will somewhat paraphrase it here, "They (the players) have a spot on the roster. Now they have to keep it." This is a lie, of course, because the current roster is largely set. There is no way, no matter how well a rookie plays, that a rookie will take a job from a veteran.

This is the roster. There are not enough spots on the roster, currently, for a Niklas Hagman, owner of a 3 million dollar a year contract to play hockey, to slot in. On top of that, everybody in the forwards, except Backlund, has a one-way contract. None of the forwards have anything to be scared of, really. And not just because of their contracts. The team's puppet GM, Jay Feaster, has publicly guaranteed that the club will make the playoffs. The team is going to need all hands on deck if it wants to get to 98 points. Which means the team can't even afford to risk allowing a young player to take the job from a veteran. After all, it may cost the team a win or two.

On the defence, it is the same story. Bouwmeester and Gio both have contracts, and will play even if they show up drunk to every pre-season game. Babchuk just got a new contract, so he isn't at risk of losing a spot. Butler is the candy of the GM's eye, so he is probably going to stick. Hannan won't be cut as he came here as a free agent, and it would hurt the clubs ability to sign free agents if he was to lose his spot in the pre-season. That leaves Sarich's spot up for grabs, and he owns a full NMC, so he aignt going anywhere. There are no spots open on the defence, either.

And do we even need to talk about the goaltenders?

King/Feaster have assembled a roster that is largely full of veterans with contracts. On top of that, they have issued a proclamation guaranteeing a playoff birth. Those two factors would seem to imply that there is little hope of anybody currently on the roster losing their spot, no matter how poorly they play, and no matter how well some rookie plays, during the pre-season.

Which gets us back to the way the club is advertising it's pre-season games. As stated above, the team is selling them based on the line "now they have to keep it (their roster spot)." But it is clear that no one on the team is in danger of losing their spot on the roster, because of the contract situation on this club. And the people who work for the team surely know that. So why are they selling the tickets based on a situation that will not occur?

We bring it up because we want to be dicks. Also, because we think it speaks to the organization. These advertisements are lazy. They have to sell something, sure, but don't sell little white lies. Sell the truth. If the truth isn't an appealing sell, maybe the organization should look at itself in the mirror, no?

(Look, it isn't even hard: Come watch the Flames as they show the hockey world last seasons second half was not a fluke. Why couldn't the Flames do that? Why did they just go with the tired and the old, and the not very truthful? Call us crazy, but it speaks to a general level of disdain for the fan, we think. Or at the very least, a lack of energy within the organization.)

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.