Saturday, August 13, 2011

Sports Magic Breaking Out All Over This Hizzy

Before we begin, class, we would like to take a moment just to reflect on how the change in management over at the Blue Jays was the essential catalyst for this whole 'Oh my fucking God! Is that fucking hope hanging around our franchise?' thang that the people are feeling. Weird, huh? How getting rid of bad management, J.P. Ricciardi, a man who was given ample time to implement his vision, and had failed, and bringing in fresh, new management, would invigorate a franchise so? Or how about the weirdness that was the new managements idea to not bring in the same team that had got the previous regime fired?

Anyways, we digress. Why the fuck are we talking Blue Jays after that glorious beatdown of the Riders in their house? Because, as the title alluded too, Sports Magic! Motherfuckers!

His first AB back home, and that one is outta here. Goosebumps, people, goosebumps.

(Hey, what is the Blue Jays closer doing out there on the mound in the second inning?)


Also...Ugh. If the Cubs don't sign Pujols or Fielder, this could be the final straw.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Breaking News: Greg Marshall To Be Fired August 13th


REGINA (Domebeers) - In a move that has widely been speculated, the Saskatchewan Roughriders (currently 1 - 5) will decide to make a change Saturday afternoon, when they will announce the firing of ineffective head coach Greg Marshall. The move will come on the heels of Saskatchewan's disastrous effort at home against the Calgary Stampeders, who will beat the Roughriders 49 - 7 this Friday night.

"Marshall? That guy is a dumb ass. What the hell was I thinking hiring him?" Roughrider GM Brendan Taman will say, quietly to himself, while sipping a Pilsner alone in a dark room. "God, I'm not at all cut out for this job, either."

Taman brought Marshall in to replace Ken Miller, who had guided the Roughriders to two straight embarrassing losses in the Grey Cup.

When reached for comment, the always classy Miller will have this to say "While I may not be able to count, at least I was able to beat Calgary. 49 - 7? We weren't even able to stop them once? Come on, man!"

Miller, of course, was the head coach of the Roughrider team that lost the Grey Cup due to a too many men on the field call, a mistake so epically boneheaded it instantly entered sports lore and will be a story everyone tells their grandchildren.

The final straw for Greg Marshall will be losing at home for the fourth time in four tries this season. This loss that is coming Friday night, at Mosaic Stadium (TSN, 7:00 PM MST) will be administered by the Roughriders hated rivals, the Calgary Stampeders, which will no doubt add further sting to the wound.

Of course, losing by a 42 point margin at home, regardless of who it is against, will have consequences.

"We may not be any good, but there is no way we are this bad," Roughrider QB Darian Durant will say after the game, staring into empty space. When reminded about the teams stats, how they will have scored less than 119 points through seven games (17 ppg, or not good enough for a Pee Wee league), Durant will start to sob quietly into his hands. "Maybe we are that terrible."

Indeed, the Roughriders are probably that terrible. With a coaching staff made up primarily of failed coaches from other organizations, there doesn't seem to be any relief in sight, and there doesn't seem to be a ready answer as to who will replace Greg Marshall.

"I hope they appoint Steve Buratto to replace Greg," Jim Barker, who's struggling Argonauts have scored more points and allowed less yards against than the lowly Roughriders, will say when reached for comment. "Yeah, we play them next (TSN, Thursday, August 18th, 5:30 PM MST), so that would make my job a little easier. You know, Buratto's just not any good and I think we would be able to exploit them. But they could also choose to go with Richie Hall, which would probably end up being just as big of a disaster."

With his days as the head coach of the Roughriders over, Greg Marshall will be contacted for this story, and he will have this to say, "This province, these people, has a smell. It gets into your skin, your pores. I thank the merciful lord in in heaven that this nightmare is finally coming to an end. No wonder we lost all those players this offseason. Who would want to live here if they had a choice?"

"I just hope that I can get my wife and children out of the province safely. These (Roughrider) fans are bored and crazy. There is no telling what they will do. Hopefully they haven't dumped a dump truck full of horse manure on my lawn, you know? Who am I kidding, they will probably use two."

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This Post Is Offensive In Nature

So, if you are a PC pussy, maybe stop reading now? Cool, thanks.

Anyways, over the weekend a man drowned in a Chestermere lake. Tragic, tragic event.

But we are sick in the head. And you know what? We found some humour in this. Again, if your tummy aches over this type of thing, be a consumer, stop reading.

First off, links! Second off, the body of the drowned man has not been found. Which, for whatever reason, is enough soil for us to come up with a bit. This bit probably plays better up on stage, as a bit in a comedy routine. Anyways, lets try it here.

You all hear about the man who 'drowned' in Lake Chestermere over the weekend? Yeah, a buddy of mine told me about it. And first, I was like "oh lord, that is terrible, just terrible." But then I heard that the body had not been found. I thought that was odd. Why wouldn't they be able to find the body? It's a lake, right? It's not like it could wash away, it's a lake. There isn't any parana's in the fucking lake, it's not in the Amazon. Where the hell is the body?

So I decided to do some digging. Real Dick Tracy, PI shit. I pick up the local paper, the Sun, and in it they have this story. They have this story in the paper about the cat who drowned. And in this story, they have the real nuggets of information that are important. This man has seven children.

Well, no shit you can't find the body. Because the guy didn't drown. Are you kidding me with that shit? That this man drowned? It's stupid. This man fucking ran. He's gone alright, but not to heaven. He's gone to Vegas.

Let's look at the facts. Fact one: This guy had seven children. Seven! Holy christ, right? Seven? You ever been around one fucking kid? Can you imagine seven? Seven fucking whiney, shit smelling mouths to feed. Fucking seven!

Alright? You following me? Ok. Fact two: This cat was hanging out on the weekend with his coworkers. Right? This poor schmuck is spending his weekend away from his seven fucking annoying kids with his coworkers. This guy just can't get away. He gets up in the morning, goes to work, and has to see his asshole coworkers for how many hours? Then he comes home, and whats waiting for him? Seven fucking kids! And you think this guy is getting any pussy after seven? No fucking way. So this guy is living in prison. Work, asshole coworkers. Home, seven asshole children and a wife who won't let him bust a nut. And this cat has to go spend his weekend on a boat with his damn coworkers. There is no escape for this poor soul.

So this cat, whose name is Katumbay, and I am still trying to figure out if thats ironic or shit, the bay at the end, is stuck. But you know what living with seven kids will do to you? It will make you think. Yeah, think. Again, you ever been around kids, let alone seven of them? They spend their whole day thinking up ways to fuck with yours. Rolex watch? Oh that's  shiny, flush. Baby powder Daddy uses to freshen his balls? Replace it with itching powder. That type of shit. They do it all the time. Their sole purpose on this planet is to make your life miserable and your wifes life miserable so when you get home you get to deal with a miserable wife who wont fuck you and shit your kids broke. Times seven!

So Katumbay starts thinking. He starts thinking about how the fuck he is going to get out of this fucked up situation. That's the thought process, exactly: How the fuck am I going to get out of this fucked up situation? And Katumbay can use a calender. It's staring right at him: this weekend, the lake, coworkers and children. Fuck.

But in the moment of darkness, the light bulb goes on. He has an idea. And it was a pretty damned good idea. This guy didn't drown. This guy ran. And good for him. Seven fucking kids and weekends with the co-workers. I'd run too.

And listen, it's true, and you know it. Look at the facts, Jack. Katumbay doesn't swim, doesn't like the water, is warry of the water, doesn't own a life-jacket, nothing. And all of a sudden he is gungho to go power tubing? It only makes sense as a set up for his epic faked death. The cops can't find his body? No shit, there is no body! Sonar? They are using sonar on a lake and they can't find him? Why is that? Because there aingt no fucking body on the bottom of that lake. Try using sonar on the MGM Grand.

Or, in the words of Merle:

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Buy! Sell! Jump!

So we are coming in here to talk sports with ya'll and OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO THE STOCK MARKETS OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT!

The best part of this whole scenario is that the really important people, the guys who are the stars of the Wall Street casino all take their vacations in August. So this shit is braking out when the people most equipped to deal with it are on a beach somewhere. Fate is the king of comedy.

Also, inflation alert! Here is a great quote by the easy money man himself, Mr. Greenspan: "The United States can pay any debt it has because we can always print money to do that. So there is zero probability of default." Which is great news for anyone with a savings account. You know, when we was thuggin yungins' we was told you should save your money. They say the poles might switch in 2012, but fuck that, they changed already. Savers are deadbeats, yo. Best go out and by something expensive now, and watch as inflation turns that debt into a deal.

And how dumb do you feel right now if you are a supporter of the Eurozone? What an obnoxiously bad idea sharing a single currency among real nations like Germany and second and third world nations like Italy and Greece turned out to be. But hey, Utopia! right?

Europe fucking sucks (sex joke?). Yeah, it's one of those days.

Turned on the FANs morning show today, and what do we hear? Andrew Walker is reading off a draft list. Reading off a draft list from like five years ago. And he is reading it, like from number one on down. He is at like number 11 when we tune in, and he just keeps going. 'Oh this guy drafted 18th overall is a bust, this guy drafted 20th overall, he is a bust'. Thank the lord Dowbiggin was there to babysit the situation, because we got the impression Walker was going to keep reading on down to the third round.

Does anybody find this shit interesting? At all?

There was a rumour floating around that Peter Loubardias was fired because he was an asshole, because he was difficult to work with on a personal level. That has to be true, because since Richards left, the morning show has been terrible, and SNET doesn't seem to think that is a problem. That your level of performance can't get you fired at SNET, but your relationship with the people in the truck can, probably speaks volumes about why the quality of the product is what it is.

Anyways, our mistake for taking it off the AM1060.

Eagerly awaiting the Calgary scribes to start writing this story about Matt Stajan.

Do it Johnson, fucking do it!

Lastly, Tiger Wood's needs to employ a pornstar as his new caddy.

Do it Tiger, fucking do it!

Furthermore, I think liquidity traps are awesome!