Thursday, August 18, 2011

Special Investigation: Sid Crosby Still Suffering Post-Concussion Symptoms

There has been a lot of hullabaloo lately about the health of Sidney Crosby. With rumours swirling that Sidney Crosby may not be able to start the season due to post-concussion symptoms, the hockey world is understandably nervous. Selfishly, this situation directly affects the fans of the Calgary Flames, as the Pittsburgh Penguins are slated to start the season in the Saddledome. Many fans are worried that they may not get to see Sidney live and in person.

It is for that reason that we here at Dome Beers decided to launch a special investigation into the health of the scorer of the Golden Goal. What we found was disturbing, to say the least.

Our crack crew of investigators managed to track Sidney Crosby down while he was out at a Sportschek. By observing his movements and interactions, we feel reasonably assured that we can make a declaration about Sidney's health. We must report that at this time, it does indeed look like Sidney is still suffering from post-concussion symptoms, which is just terrible.

Allow us to walk you through the footage we have, and why we think this shows that Sidney is still not healthy.

The footage (and again, our investigators did just great work here) begins with Sidney Crosby, possessor of an extremely lucrative contract to play hockey for the Pittsburgh Penguins, who appears to be working as a stock boy for Sportschek. Scrambled brains alert! Shame on Sportschek to take advantage of poor old Sidney like this. They are breaking no less than three labour laws by doing this.

Continuing into the footage, we see that Sidney Crosby starts to receive a marketing pitch. This shows us two things. First, Sidney is still suffering the confusion normally associated with post-concussion syndrome. Why else would he be holding a meeting with his marketing consultant in the middle of a Sportschek? The second thing this shows is that Sidney's people know he is still suffering. Notice that Sidney's marketing consultant is also wearing a Sportschek shirt, in order to keep from agitating Sidney while he is in this confused state.

Moving on with the footage, we of course notice that Sidney's marketing consultant is showing Sidney the pitches on very large signboards with the words written in very large font. Obviously this shows that Sidney is still suffering from the impaired mental function that is sometimes associated with post-concussion syndrome.

The first pitch that Sidney receives is for 'SIDnature'. To most observers, the pitch is obvious: it is a play on the word 'signature', but also, it is 'Sid Nature', ie: be like Sidney. Intuitive, really. Notice Sidney's reaction, however. He seems confused, bewildered even. He looks like he is trying to figure out the pitch. He is left, in his confused state, to utter a confused answer: 'Maybe'.

The next pitch Sidney receives offers us even more stark evidence that Sidney is still suffering. Pitched 'The Croz. By Crosby', Sidney literally replies "I'm not sure about that one." Not sure about that one? Crosby brains are such pancake mix right now that he is unable to figure out that The Croz is a play on his last name. It's sad, really.

The final pitch Sidney receives is for 'Dis', which is very clearly 'Sid' spelled backwards. Look at Sidney's reaction when he first hears it though. He is clearly agitated and confused, unable to figure out what 'Dis' refers too. He loudly exclaims, clearly frustrated by his inability to solve this puzzle, "Dis?" Sidney's marketing consultant almost loses his cool, exasperatedly explaining to Sidney that 'Dis' is 'Sid' backwards, man.

Having received three pitches that caused the broken gears in his head to grind painfully against each other, Sidney blurts out 'Why don't we just go with SC 87." When we saw Sidney do this, we actually felt a tinge of hope that Sidney may be shaking those cobwebs out of his skull yet. But alas, when our investigators showed us the logo Sidney had come up with, all hope was dashed.

There are so many signs here that Sidney is still concussed that it leaves us very concerned. Most noticeably, the 'S' and the 'C' are, of course, backwards, with the 'C' preceding the 'S'. Sidney is suffering from post-concussion symptoms so sever that his writing skills have been effected. On top of that, for reasons inexplicable to us, and therefore associated to Sidney's symptoms, we see he chose to put his logo in the middle of a golf club head, a driver. The poor kid doesn't even remember what sport he plays.

We feel that the mountain of evidence above clearly indicates that Sidney Crosby is still suffering from post-concussion symptoms. With the start of the hockey season only a few months away, we feel that it is indeed a possibility that Sidney Crosby will not be ready to start the NHL season. Which is terrible indeed for the game of hockey, and especially for Flames fans expecting to see Sidney at the Saddledome.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias Ken King should be fired.