REGINA (Domebeers) - In a move that has widely been speculated, the Saskatchewan Roughriders (currently 1 - 5) will decide to make a change Saturday afternoon, when they will announce the firing of ineffective head coach Greg Marshall. The move will come on the heels of Saskatchewan's disastrous effort at home against the Calgary Stampeders, who will beat the Roughriders 49 - 7 this Friday night.
"Marshall? That guy is a dumb ass. What the hell was I thinking hiring him?" Roughrider GM Brendan Taman will say, quietly to himself, while sipping a Pilsner alone in a dark room. "God, I'm not at all cut out for this job, either."
Taman brought Marshall in to replace Ken Miller, who had guided the Roughriders to two straight embarrassing losses in the Grey Cup.
When reached for comment, the always classy Miller will have this to say "While I may not be able to count, at least I was able to beat Calgary. 49 - 7? We weren't even able to stop them once? Come on, man!"
Miller, of course, was the head coach of the Roughrider team that lost the Grey Cup due to a too many men on the field call, a mistake so epically boneheaded it instantly entered sports lore and will be a story everyone tells their grandchildren.
The final straw for Greg Marshall will be losing at home for the fourth time in four tries this season. This loss that is coming Friday night, at Mosaic Stadium (TSN, 7:00 PM MST) will be administered by the Roughriders hated rivals, the Calgary Stampeders, which will no doubt add further sting to the wound.
Of course, losing by a 42 point margin at home, regardless of who it is against, will have consequences.
"We may not be any good, but there is no way we are this bad," Roughrider QB Darian Durant will say after the game, staring into empty space. When reminded about the teams stats, how they will have scored less than 119 points through seven games (17 ppg, or not good enough for a Pee Wee league), Durant will start to sob quietly into his hands. "Maybe we are that terrible."
Indeed, the Roughriders are probably that terrible. With a coaching staff made up primarily of failed coaches from other organizations, there doesn't seem to be any relief in sight, and there doesn't seem to be a ready answer as to who will replace Greg Marshall.
"I hope they appoint Steve Buratto to replace Greg," Jim Barker, who's struggling Argonauts have scored more points and allowed less yards against than the lowly Roughriders, will say when reached for comment. "Yeah, we play them next (TSN, Thursday, August 18th, 5:30 PM MST), so that would make my job a little easier. You know, Buratto's just not any good and I think we would be able to exploit them. But they could also choose to go with Richie Hall, which would probably end up being just as big of a disaster."
With his days as the head coach of the Roughriders over, Greg Marshall will be contacted for this story, and he will have this to say, "This province, these people, it...it has a smell. It gets into your skin, your pores. I thank the merciful lord in in heaven that this nightmare is finally coming to an end. No wonder we lost all those players this offseason. Who would want to live here if they had a choice?"
"I just hope that I can get my wife and children out of the province safely. These (Roughrider) fans are bored and crazy. There is no telling what they will do. Hopefully they haven't dumped a dump truck full of horse manure on my lawn, you know? Who am I kidding, they will probably use two."
Furthermore, I think