Friday, March 4, 2011
Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award Review
It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Cop out posts!
Huh? What? Oh yeah, yeah, you're right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!
But we are going to switch it up here a little this week. If you have been coming to the site with any regularity, you may have run into a RTPIC post from time to time. We're going to be honest with you: currently, we feel perturbed about having to write them. It's crazy, but it's true. We find our enthusiasm for the RTPIC...drifting.
Which is a shame. The RTPIC is one of the few institutions we have on the site. We are Burkes, not Robespierres; we do not guillotine institutions, but rather reform them. As we said, the RTPIC is drifting, wandering. And when one has lost ones path, one goes about finding it again by retracing ones path.
Before we begin, however, we cannot fight the urge to drift and wander further afield yet. We must have Nominees and Award-Winners, for it to be an RTPIC. Nominees, yes; but as you have probably already ascertained, the RTPIC itself is the winner.
Nominee 1: Wisconsin. There is a lot of talk about the union protests in Wisconsin. Of all the empty thunder and impotent noise we heard, one alone out of the cacophony struck us and made us take note: Collective Bargaining elevated to the status of Human Right. Laughable. There was a time where there was but one Human Right: I Can Devour Thee. Over thousands of years, history in large measure is the chronicle of the slaves of the Ruler trying to drag this Right off its Throne of Skulls, and force its abdication. And the task is not even completed yet, in the year 2011. We make this point to illustrate that there is no Rights, only Privileges.
What's more, we feel the protesters are on the side of Entrenched Privilege. Entrenched in what? I Can Devour Thee! The protesters want what they want and if they don't get it, we get astroturf. Well, elections have consequences, as they say, the public sector union bosses 'Or Else' notwithstanding.
Nominee 2: Libya. Qaddafi offers the Free World two things: Oil, and the promise he will not build WMD's. We can find another person to promise not to build WMD's, while Qaddaffi is proving he is not able to guarantee the flow of Oil. Which means that Qaddafi doesn't really offer anything, does he? Why is this man still breathing? It's a testament to the softness of the age we live in, we guess.
Nominee 3: NFL's looming lockout, obviously. That would suck. Honestly, we side with the owners. You know why? Because if the players were serious, they would realize what type of hammer they wield. The people pay to see players. The players have received hundreds of millions of dollars during this CBA. If they were serious about negotiating with the owners, they would have saved up a large chunk of that in a war chest, and then gone out into the market and used their war chest to leverage up. The fact that they didn't makes me question their seriousness of purpose. With that money they would have been able to start their own league, who knows. But because the players didn't go out and prepare themselves better, which would have put more pressure on the owners to negotiate, we might have to miss a season of NFL football. What the hell are we going to gamble on then?
And that is the end of the drifting. The RTPIC is the winner of the RTPIC. But as the purpose of this exercise was to find our path and reinvigorate the Muse, let's not tarry any longer.
The List Of RTPIC Winners To Date:
1) Mini Daddy
2) Littlest Hobo
3) Dome Beers (After 30 days of existence, no less!)
4) Samurai Pizza Cats
5) Richard Sterban (Of the Oakridge Boys)
6) Brett Hart
7) Flames Fans
8) Patrice O'Neal (You ever piss on her, sir?)
9) Bullshit (as in B.S.)
10) Mr. Cooper (Of Hangin' With...)
11) Hart Dynasty (who aren't on TV anymore, no doubt victims of the Dome Beers Curse.)
12) Super Dave Osbourne
13) Mike Cammalleri (And to think, you could have had Cammo for Hagman and Kotaliks money.)
14) Chris Bawl (Kid who was jumping off shit round the local.)
15) Gary Coleman
16) Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (Act like you know.)
19) Jose Bautista
20) Tequila (This one was one we actually enjoyed reading again, go figure.)
21) Jose Neto (Run for Mayor Jose Neto!)
23) Huff's Speech
24) Brian Bews (The pilot of the fighter jet that crashed.)
25) Ric Flair
26) Gilbert Gottfried (ROMAN TUREKS PUBLICIST TOTALLY SAID HE WOULD DO AN INTERVIEW WITH US THEN THE CAT STIFFED US! ASSHOLE!)
27) Man Eaters
28) Deep Fried Beer
29) Cito Gaustins Moustache
30) The Smoking Monkey
31) French Riots (Speaking of Wisconsin...)
32) Dumpster Baby
33) Rubber Trouts Movember Campaign (Hey, Domebeer-aholics, raise your hand if you gave money. A Z R's hand is up. Is yours? Why isn't yours?)
35) JB Smoove
36) Leslie Nielsen/ Ron Santo (Sad week, that one.)
37) The Alaska Nanooks Opening Videos (Which might be the best RTPIC recipient so far.)
38) Killer Fox
39) Mike Richards (Radio personality currently being warehoused by TSN.)
40) Bishnu Shrestha (The cat who stopped a train robbery by 40 people by himself.)
42) TNA Womens Division (Apparently they call it the 'Knockout Division', our bad.)
43) Football to the Groin.
That little exercise probably helped you, dear Reader, out none to much, but it helped us out. Going back through the pages of DB's dark and murky past, we saw how UnSerious we used to be. The RTPIC is for gags, for dappage, for satire on occasion. But it's suppose to be fun, so we should have fun writing them. We like the old school ones the best. Who the RTPIC winner is, What they have done to acquire a skill, How they used their skill to help out the Calgary Flames. We think getting away from the format was what caused the drift. Like it or not, we are going to return to the format, we think.
The other fallacy we had in our heads that this little adventure in list making destroyed was the fallacy of the lack of candidates. Seeing it in front of our eyes, it really illustrates who we haven't given the coveted award to. A bit of inside baseball you didn't need to read, but we put it up anyways.
Anways, RTPIC to the RTPIC. We will have a proper one next week, whether the audience wants it or not.
A Flames take? You wadded through all of that for a Flames take?
Well, 16 games left, and the Flames have 75 points. So they basically have to go 10-6 here on out. Likely? Who knows. Let's hope the whether doesn't turn so the players minds don't get focused on golf season.
Of those 16 games remaining, 7 come against teams that are (as of today) in the playoffs. They also have 3 games left (on top of the 7) with teams that are not in the playoffs, but a point or two away from being in. Namely Dallas, and the Ducks.
So games in hand be damned, destiny is in the Flames hands. Whether they make it in or not is on the players and the coaches at this point, and because it seems that every team is at the same point, it seems like this is as good a point in the season as ever to start making judgements about players heart and compete levels. If they don't make it in, they are bums. They make it in, a scrappy bunch.
We are fools. This team has broken our hearts so many times it's stupid to extend to it the benefit of the doubt. But we will, to our embarrassment in hindsight, no doubt. The Flames will make the Playoffs. They will make the 6th seed. We will face San Jose. Prophets get shot, so we will stop right there.
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.