Thursday, March 17, 2011

Explaining The Flames Three Game Losing Streak

After almost two and a half months of zombie fueled murder, the Flames recently suffered a mutilation to their playoff hopes by losing three games in a row to Western opponents. Two of those three loses occurred against the same team, the Phoenix Coyotes.

Which is strange. In every zombie movie we have ever seen, never has a zombie been taken out by an overgrown desert rat. It makes sense though. Coyotes are scavengers, they are corpse eaters by nature. Should we be surprised that the walking corpse Flames were then devoured by such a creature?

Alas, we should not be. On March 6th, the Flames gamely defeated the Predators, a beast who eats on the flesh of the living, and was therefore unable to deal with the Flames zombie shuffle. There was snow on the ground in Calgary.

The Flames would then shamble on over to Dallas, where they would face a Stars team that bequeathed it's powers of invincibility to no man, and was therefore unable to defeat the flaming horde of unkillable zombies. It was overcast in Dallas.

Zombie migration would then see the Flames mosey on in to the suburbs of Phoenix, the den of the scavenger. It was a beautiful day. The zombie's hunger went from points, to golf.

Reminded about the game that they love, the Country Club imbibed in many, many rounds of golf under the omnipresent glare of the desert sun. We don't know much about biology, but we do know that zombie flesh festers if left out for hours in a hot desert. And so the zombies festered and fatigued, but most importantly, remembered they love golf.

Forced back onto a plane and off the golf courses following the loss, the zombies would face off against statistically the best team in the league, in Rogers Rectum, in a wet, unfriendly city...with no golf. The game was hard. The Canucks are the type of quality team that the zombie Flames would have to face in the playoffs, and it was hard. The zombies remembered that they could be playing golf instead.
(too many drugs)

And while the zombies escaped Vancouver with their heterosexuality intact, the Country Club was none to happy to return to Calgary. Snow was on the ground. The golf courses were all closed. And their opponent, the Coyotes, only reminded the team of this fact. And then the game was hard. The Country Club missed Troons Clubhouse...

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

*In unrelated news, I think it's time I give up PCP.