Monday, February 21, 2011

Target Rich Environment Part One

The Sun was especially crammed full of stupid today. Which happens to be great for us. We wanted to talk about some other, deeper, more meaningful things than the musings of Diane Francis's baby little boy and whatever bone Macfarlane was chewing over (fat joke?), but hey, why look a gift horse in the mouth?

Let's start with Diane's pride and joy's latest column.

Ten years from now, it’s unlikely those who attended Sunday’s Heritage Classic will remember the score.

Oh man, this is starting out like it is going to suck.

They probably won’t remember Rene Bourque as the game’s star, Miikka Kiprusoff pitching the shutout or the fact the teams were separated by more than a field goal.

People won’t remember Miikka got a shut out at a once in a life time event? Yeah, we called it; this is definitely going to suck.

Given how important the two points were, it’s possible many will remember the win.

However, details of the game itself will undoubtedly fade faster than the Montreal Canadiens have of late.

What will endure will vary as much from fan to fan as the ice conditions did from day to day.

But by most accounts, it was a perfect day.

Ok, that wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible. Nice cheap zing in their about the Canadiens. Let’s see where he takes this thing.

For some, the goosebumps appeared as they entered McMahon Stadium and saw the league spared no expense as it transformed a non-descript football facility into a winter wonderland.

Oh wow, right back into stupid-ville. Diane Francis’s little darlings’ idea of a winter wonderland is a multitude of white tents set up in a parking lot? How shitty was his childhood? And spared no expense? The thing was half staffed with volunteers; they sprung for no talent to entertain the fans. Believe us, expenses were spared.

For others, the pageantry of the player introductions will burn as bright as the flames spewing from standards placed alongside the runway toward the ice.

‘The pageantry of the player introductions’? He knows he is writing in a sports section, right? He knows this isn’t going in ‘Bedazzled Curtains Weekly’, right?

Then there were the mounted police, the servicemen and servicewomen, flag-bearers and fans who all stood in unison to hear local icon Paul Brandt belt out the national anthem.

Imagine that, people standing for the national anthem. And some were even servicemen! Insanity!

When it seemed the snapshot couldn’t get any more Canadian, the Snowbirds punctuated the scene with a dramatic flyby.

The ‘Fly-Over’, of course, is as Canadian as baseball and apple pie.

Not only did organizers light two cauldrons at the south end of the stadium, the Calgary Tower followed suit with a fiery salute to the celebration of hockey taking part in the city’s northwest.

Oh, we get it! The guy who wrote this is eight. Now it makes sense.

Forgoing the technology of a Zamboni so the lads could flood the ice with a hose each intermission had to have resonated with many, including the hundreds of hearty souls around town who do similar work in the tiny outdoor rinks peppering Calgary communities. (Bless them all for giving kids the start some use to chase dreams.)

That ones true, actually. RTPIC to 'Rink-Guy'.

No one will forget the throwback jerseys and striped socks worn by the Flames as a tribute to the Calgary Tigers of the 1920s. That can’t be debated.

Neither can the fact that they were ugly as hell. John Daly thinks those pants were offensive.

For me, the Timbits players zipping around on the tiny auxiliary rink surrounded by hay bales were the highlight, as was the standing ovation for the snowbirds late in the evening.

A ‘Snowbird’. Capitalize that shit. And the pilots got the standing O’. Because the way you have it written…oh never mind. (We aignt touching the obvious pedophile joke with a 10 foot pole.)

Seeing Kiprusoff bolt for the heated bench every TV timeout was as unique as seeing hockey players wearing eye black, balaclavas or earmuffs.

Yeah, we don’t know why this bit of inanity is in here, either.

The ice crew patching the odd spot or shovelling the rink three times a period took us all back to a simpler day when the only thing better than an afternoon on the rink was having your feet warmed by your parents afterwards.

Your parents warmed your feet after games? Like, with their hands, or something? Honestly, what the hell does that even mean? We are creeped out.

It was loud, it was lively. The home team came through, as did the fans.

As 41,022 can personally attest, what started in Edmonton seven years earlier beautifully translated into yet another unique celebration of the game this city embraced ... and deserved.

That said, doing it again here anytime soon likely wouldn’t wash. This was a one-off. But that doesn’t mean the league shouldn’t proceed with its tentative plan to ultimately stage a game like this in every city it plays.

Like Winnipeg, uh, err… Phoenix.

Make no mistake, while those who took part in the exercise can speak to the event’s grandeur and spectacle, it certainly didn’t grip the city like a Cup run.

Was anyone saying that it did, or would? This is stupid.

But for those who bundled up and took part in the historic afternoon, it’s something they’ll never forget. Temperatures between -8C and -20C made sure of that.

He started the article saying something stupid like ‘Nobody will remember this day because it was so memorable’, and by the end of the article, he has gone back on his original thesis. Excellent writing, sir.

“We took a good look around and the fans stayed right to the end,” said Flames defenceman Steve Staios.

“Hockey means so much, and when you reflect on it, you feel so privileged to play in this league and be part of something like this.”

You got that right, Steve. You sure are lucky to be playing in the NHL.

Team president Ken King added, “A romantic, storybook ending to a perfect day.”

And that’s a perfect time to end the article…

A perfect showcase for our city, our province, our country and our national pastime.

Or add some more perfects.

The world’s greatest game played naturally in the world’s greatest country.

Jingoism! Yeah!

Oh, and for the record, the home team won 4-0.

Yeah, we know, we were there. Outside, with the people. Were you, Diane Francis’s little rug rat?

Is this over yet?

In case anyone plans on remembering the score.


Macfarlane later today, or tomorrow, depending on our fancy.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


  1. I thought everyone was warm b/c Ken King decided to blow smoke up everyone ass during the game! Hey Ken, I appreciate the bullshit, i did forget my hot paws in my car!

    The Rock / Cenation confrontation tonight will be epic, espec. with taker coming back!

  2. i am constantly wondering who the hell likes Eric Francis.