Saturday, February 5, 2011

Craig Conroy Helps Keep Unemployment Low

By A Z R

Calgary (Dome Beers) - While Craig Conroy's retirement had most of the hockey watching world in a melancholy mood, there were at least two segments of that population that were extremely pleased with the news. Members of the media, and those charged with lowering Canada and America's respective unemployment rates.

Broadcast personalities, sport pundits, and hockey commentators across Canada and the United States let loose a collective sigh of relief when the news came out that Craig Conroy had, upon retiring, accepted a job within the front office of the Calgary Flames. The move came as a bit of a curveball, as Conroy had been widely expected to take a job, perhaps every job, in the sports entertainment marketing industry.

Sportsnet released a statement that said, in part, "While we are very disappointed that Craig made the decision to stay with the Calgary Flames hockey club, we are at the same time pleased to announce that Peter Loubardias, Charlie Simmer, Roger Millions, Jamie Thomas, and that weird bald guy, Lindsey something, will all be keeping their jobs."

"Cocksucker," a jubilant Roger Millions exclaimed. "My wife is going to be thrilled."

Other media personalities were similarly jocund. When reached for comment, Peter Loubardias said, " That's some kinda news. And hey, let me tell you what type of person Craig is. He could have had a number of jobs in this industry, including mine. I say, and I think the viewers would agree with me on this, that he is going to be a great GM in this league one day for a very long time."

"He better. I have a 30 year mortgage. SKEEEYORES. Hey, did you know Adam Pardy is from Bonavista, Newfoundland? I'm uncomfortable with silence."

While Craig Conroy's unexpected course of action may have caught everyone off guard, it was a welcome surprise nonetheless. Mark Carney, head of the Bank of Canada, had already baked in the expected mass media unemployment into his recent forecasts. When asked, he said he would be happy to revise his numbers.

"I am more than happy to admit my mistake on this matter. Who knew in this time of corporate and political greed, in this 'get yours' world of ours, that there are still benighted souls out there who are willing to sacrifice for the good of the nation. Craig saved a lot of jobs today by doing what he did. For this country, and for our neighbours down south." 

Indeed, because of Craig Conroy's American nationality, it was also speculated that he would naturally go to work with the sports giant ESPN, and take every position at the network. Observers of the sports media world have been warning ESPN for weeks that their lack of talent at every position across the board left ESPN vulnerable to Craig Conroy's natural charm and talent in front of the camera simply overwhelming the American broadcaster, which is said to have about 5700 employees. That would have the effect of forcing massive layoffs, these observers say. 

Of course, with Craig Conroy taking the position within the Calgary Flames hockey club of the Special Assistant to the Acting General Manager, the fear of 5700 more people hitting the already swollen unemployment lines can be put to bed, at least for the short term.

Jay Feaster, the man who himself was once a special assistant to a man who liked to act like he was a GM, seemed to be genuinely pleased with the move. When Jay Feaster was first hired by the organization, his media relations skills were heralded, and with this action, the reputation seems to be justified. Within the sports world, it is seen as somewhat of a coup that Feaster was able to hire Craig Conroy when the competition for his services was so fierce.

"We are thrilled to get him. Ken and I are happy that Craig chose to stay within the Calgary Flames family. I hope the media takes note and adjusts their coverage of the team accordingly."

In his new duties as Special Assistant to the Acting General Manager, Craig Conroy will be expected to fill a variety of roles in the organization. Scouting, mentoring, monitoring, communicating, negotiating, and more are skills Craig Conroy will have to develop and hone in his new role. While all these skills will take time to master, Craig Conroy's natural ability should serve him well.

Perhaps Craig Conroy's biggest duty, however, will require simply observation. "Yeah, I kinda laughed about that with Jay. I told him I was going to keep an eye on him to make sure he didn't trade Jarome for Mike Smith."

"Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired."


  1. You know you could have just given Craig the RTPIC.

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