Monday, February 7, 2011

Coach Sutter - Reanimator

You Lovecraft readers get it. You Lovecraft readers are also probably questioning why we would go with a reference to probably his poorest work. Because space born crustaceans freak us out, that's why.

Anyways, Herbert West is the reference, and Mr. West was a zombie maker. One of the first in America, actually (wink). Zombie making is hard, and Mr. West has to go through a learning process before he figures out the 'Zombification Process'.

Our own Herbert West? Very similar, dontcha think? He came into this organization, and he didn't really know what buttons to push on this team. It resulted in a nine game losing streak last year. It was terrible. You remember it, don't you? The Flames would lose and it was because they weren't playing the system, and then they would win and it was because the coach was a genius.

See? Herbert West spent his time bringing people back from the dead, but he would always fail at it. The zombies would shriek terrible sounds from vocal chords they didn't have and they would...well, can a zombie die? Whatever zombie death is, that's what the newly reanimated zombies would do.

Both Herbert and Brent were getting hurt because of their pride. Herbert thought his zombification process was sound, and Brent thought his junior coaching tactics were sound. They were wrong, and reality was more than happy to show them, but they persevered in their wrongness nonetheless.

That is, until their pride was outweighed by their fear of failure. Herbert felt he was a genius, and a zombification process that left nothing but dead zombies was no avenue for a genius. Brents story is very much the same. He felt he was a good coach, but good coaches make the playoffs. Ask Dave Tippet.

Both men were forced to look in the mirror. First, that takes some guts. People don't like looking at themselves in the mirror. They don't. Changing assumptions about yourself and how you view the world is hard. Especially if you think your shit sings.

In Herberts case, it resulted in a change in the zombification process. He had to revisit his genius and come up with a new way of doing things. The result was a hoard of angry, homicidal zombies who wanted nothing more than to tear Herbert limb from limb. But what mattered to Herbert was that they were alive. Sweet vindication.

Brent had to learn that when your main success as a coach comes in a Junior tournament, you probably shouldn't be calling out players with 1000 games played in the NHL in the media.

And that's what it is, isn't it? We would lose a game, Brent would pick an individual to call out in public, and the team would seethe. Have you ever had to talk to someone whom you have just disrespected? They aignt real receptive to whatever message you are peddling. Eye roll city was set up in the Flames locker room. The team would seethe because this moloch who had no success in Calgary was calling them out like he knew what he was talking about. And if he knew what he was talking about, they would be winning.

It was a poisonous situation. Lets forget about talent for a second. This team shouldn't be getting shut out at home by Florida. That was a team at war with itself. It's easy to quit on a coach who you don't like or believe in.

Brents Sutters zombie was dying on the table. To Brents credit, he changed his zombification process. Instead of fighting his players, he started fighting for them.

And you know what? The cuddling was just what the Calgary Flames country club needed, in retrospect.

Oh, and Kipper decided to stop letting softies in. That helped too...
No? Nothing? We don't care, we are sticking with this tortured metaphor. The Flames were dead. We know, we buried them. Yet here they are, right in the thick of the playoff race. Forget they are spending $65 million dollars to compete for eighth. These no heart bums are in position to compete for eighth! And call us stupid, but Brents change in tone has a little something to do with that (plus we got his brother fired).

What do you call someone coming back from the dead? You call them zombies (or Jesus, depending on your particular persuasion). Well, that would make the Flames a bunch of cemetery dirt spitting zombies.

You know how you kill a zombie, don't you? You have to shoot them in the head. Only person round here we see with a gun is Feaster, and we don't think he has the guts to pull the trigger.

Which means the spare parts are staying. Which means we are not going to be trading to restock the draft picks (we currently don't have a second or third rounder). Which means that even though we believe the franchise would best be served by holding a fire sale, it aignt happening.

Which means now would be a good fucking time to get back on the proverbial band wagon and start rooting for the team to win. It's easy to cheer against a zombie. Put your fucking jersey on and lets cheer for one.

Whether or not selling out more of the future for two playoff gates is in the best interest of the team or not is a moot point. Those of us who have that opinion aren't running the team. Like we said, the only one with a gun is Feaster, and he doesn't have the courage to say no to a cream puff. He aignt sabotaging the season for some draft picks.

Go Zombie-Flames go, as they say.

Fucking Rashard Mendenhall. Because that asshole shrinked in the spotlight, we lost a bet to local radio personality Andrew Walker. Andrew Walker is an asshole who gets off on making people do things they hate doing. Because we lost a bet, we have to write a piece on the greatness of Dome Beers favourite Peter Loubardias.


We are not going to welsh, although we should. We aren't even going to write about how Loubardias is great, great at sucking that is. We made a bet, we pay our bets. So if you don't want to read about how awesomely awesome Loubardias is, skip Wednesdays post.

Why hasn't Steve Staios been waived?

Why hasn't Ivanans been waived?

Honestly, don't get it.

You don't think Staios has been giving Brent Sutter tips on leadership, do you?

The game tonight versus 20 cent and his Blackhawks is also being shown on WGN, if you have it. So watch it on that channel, because

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


  1. Damn you, Dome Beers. There's basketball on WGN.

  2. Staios hasn't been waived simply because he's sitting the press box. Unlike Kotalik, he isn't playing so there is no need to move him down. It costs 2.7 either way. Ivanans is still on LTIR and the CBA restricts player movement while injured.

    Also, Ben deserves just as much blame for the 2nd INT as Rashard does for the fumble. The first INT was OK because he was getting hit, but the second was just a shitty throw. I was still in a bad mood when I woke up this morning.

  3. No doubt. Im more pissed about how Ben missed Wallace for the TD. That would have been the game, and they had made that play all year.

    Mendenhall cannot fumble there though. Its tough because he never fumbles, but that one is going to be remembered.

    Also, the coaching was shit. What the hell was Tomlin going for a 52 yeard field goal instead of playing field position? Whatever.

    Team better blow it up now though. The defence is old, a lot of the names on it are 30+, so big draft coming up.

    Fuck Angela I was watching the van v chi game on WGN and they said the next broadcast was the Flames game. I just didnt realize that there next broadcast is in like a week. I got basketballed too.

    Best part of listening to Loubardias was this paraphrased exchange:

    Simmer: The Flames are playing sloppy and not getting the puck out like they need too.

    Loubardias: The Flames are playing tight playoff hockey arent they Charlie?

    Simmer: Fuck my life.

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