Dear Calgary Flames,
Look guys, you know we have always been there for you. We have witnessed multiple and recurring first round playoff exits, we have stayed by your side even though you were only able to beat that Oiler team like once in the '80's. We have lived through the disappointment of being perennial playoff pushovers. And we kept coming back.
We have suffered the inglorious playoff drought of the 90's. We have sat through games at a half empty Saddledome cheering Valeri fucking Bure. We have been shushed at by fans reading books instead of watching the hockey, and we have been threatened with expulsion from event staff because we were cheering to loudly. Can you imagine? Yet we kept coming back.
We have sat through the post lockout years having to endure the shame of all the game seven losses on home ice. On home ice, Flames. You know that makes you look like bitches, right? And you reflect on the fanbase. We kept buying tickets even though the real players were traded away so roster spots could be made for the likes of the drop-passing-in-the-neutral-zone criminal Bertuzzi. The indignities we have suffered. Yet we keep coming back.
We were Flames fans before being a Flames fan was cool. We will be Flames fans when it isn't cool to be.
The last two years have been terribly disappointing, Calgary Flames. We can live with the not winning. You are a franchise that has been around for more than three decades and you have one Stanley Cup to show for it, and only a handful of winning seasons outside of the 80's. Honestly, you are kind of a joke franchise. But we cheer anyways. No, it's not the lack of winning that is so grating. It is the ostrich act.
You suck, Calgary. You are not very good, at all. And you haven't been any good, really, since you pissed away that 13 point division lead to the Canucks. Do you know how hard it is to piss away a 13 point lead with like a week left in the season? And to the team with the worst fans and ugliest jersey in the league? And yet even after that event you ostriched. You buried your head, got older and more expensive, didn't fire Darryl, which then allowed Darryl to trade for Kotalik and Hagman and Stajan instead of cap space. And even after that debacle, when we didn't make the playoffs, you went ostrich again.
Do you know how much of a piss off that is? Do you know how irritating it is when everyone in the car can see which direction the traffic is going but the driver?
This year, Calgary Flames, you tried to do the ostrich act again. Nothing was wrong, you are still a good team, competing for the cup, blah blah blah. A month into the season it was readily apparent that you were one of the worst teams in the West. Yet you stuck with it. You even made a trade to try to bring more players in. Ian White sucks, ok? But if Ian White in the lineup means Ales Kotalik isn't, then you fucking keep Ian White. It's not rocket surgery.
Anyways, despite your best efforts to ostrich and evade reality, the league forced it on you. You have been a 14th place club for three or four months now. Everywhere you go you are greeted with questions about trading Jarome et al, the 11 NMC/NTC on the roster, the lack of talent in Abbotsford. And even though all these questions are asked because the organization allowed itself to fall into such a rut, you shake with umbrage at them. How dare you suggest we, the Calgary Flames, suck, Michael Peca.
Well, we are sorry, Calgary, but you do. And because it is January and you are still 14th place (but only eight points out of a playoff race says the hope fuelled mouth breather) we think it is far time you stopped pretending. It's time that you stopped the ostrich act, and take your head out of the sand you buried it in. It is time to tank the season, which shouldn't be too hard, because you are doing a fine job of that as it is.
Which, in a roundabout way, brings us to our point. Last night, Calgary Flames, you were down by three goals to the Carolina Hurricanes, the most effeminate team in the league (well, besides you guys), entering the third period. You should have done the right thing and folded the tent. And instead, you tried to come back.
What the hell are you guys doing? Why the fuck did you try to come back?
If you had any pride, you would have beat the Islanders on home ice. If you had any pride, you would have not let the Canucks put up seven goals on you on home ice. If you think the fans are going 'gee golly, these guys are playing hard' then you are sadly mistaken, because that boat sailed away when you got shut out by Florida on home ice.
At this point, your 'trying' looks a lot like false hustle, Calgary Flames, and it's pissing us the fuck off.
Let's ignore the fact that the cap is so jacked up for next year that it is a real question as to whether or not the team could even afford to ice a lottery pick on the NHL roster next season. We need a lottery pick on the NHL roster next season. To do that, you need to be one of the five shittiest clubs in the league. And you guys stealing a point out from last nights game throws all sorts of monkey wrenches in that plan.
So why did you do it? Respect? We aignt got none for a 14th place hockey team. TSN doesn't, the puck bunnies around the league don't, nobody in the hockey world does. Pride in yourselves? What a joke. Florida at home. Professionalism? The Calgary Flames Country Club?
We think you like pissing the fans off, Calgary Flames. And that's a little...unusual.
Look guys, you have 41 points in 43 games, in a league that has three point games. It's a fucking joke that you keep peddling the line of 'win two out of three'. Let's get real here. It's time to drink the reality potion, Calgary Flames.
New Jersey has 24 points in 42 games. You suck, Calgary, but you aren't that bad. Honestly, that is Hitmen bad, so you can kiss the number one pick goodbye. The Oilers and the Islanders are both sitting at 33 points. That's three of the top five picks spoken for. Ottawa has 38 points, while Toronto and Florida have 40 points, followed by Buffalo with 41. That currently places you, Calgary Flames, in the seventh spot. If you had manned up and done the right thing and lost that game last night, we would be sitting with the sixth, that much closer to the top five.
Look at those numbers again. We are in danger of playing our way out of the basement, Calgary Flames. Comebacks like last night aren't cute, they are fucking annoying.
At least, though, someone on the team, Calgary Flames, realizes the situation we are in. That's right, one Mikka Kiprusoff has been working his ass off all season, and the last three games especially, to make sure that we lose night in and night out. A soft goal here, a soft goal there, and what do you know you are down 5-2 to the Hurricanes. Great work, if you ask us. Yet we have some country bumpkin coach who rips the teams MVP in a press conference following the game. Can someone inform Coach Idiot that the team needs to start losing games, and start losing now, if it doesn't want this season to turn into a $65 million dollar waste? Kipper should have been applauded, and Bourque should have had his ass chewed out for scoring the tying goal.
Looking at the stats, Calgary Flames, we see that Coach Idiot played JBlow, sadly the teams best defencemen, 30 minutes last night. Why? Staios should be playing those minutes, we are trying to lose. Gio, the heart and soul of the team, also played 30 minutes. Badsuck can play those minutes. Coach Idiot better have a better explanation for that coaching gaffe than 'we are trying to win games', because it's fucking past the point of 'trying to win games'. Sarich is running around trying to inspire his teammates with physical play, which is kind of a dilemma because you want to play him because he is slow and everyone in the NHL can go outside on him, but on the other hand do you want to play a guy who is trying to inspire his teammates?
This isn't Coach Idiots fault in isolation, Calgary Flames. Fat Feaster has been in charge for a little while now, and besides testing the Saddledomes floor, he hasn't really done anything. Coach Idiot has to play the players on his bench, Fat Feaster, which means you need to get the fuck out of the buffet line and get your ass on the phone. Why is Alex Tanguay still on this team? Why is Badsuck still here? Why is Pardy around? Why haven't you tried to trade Sarich, or Jokinen, or Morrison, or Hagman? Why isn't Kotalik in the KHL (actually he helps us lose you might want to keep that one)? Why haven't you mailed Stajan to Africa yet? We need to get worse, Feaster, because for some reason the team has decided it is actually going to try to play now. Think of it this way: money not spent on support level NHL players is more money for the Oreo budget.
You are a frustrating bunch, Calgary Flames. But you have us hooked. Being the one show in town might have something to do with it, but so what? Tank the season, go ahead, it's alright. Nobody will think any less of you. How could we? You already lost on home ice to the Islanders, you already let the Rangers take liberties with you. We will be back next year, ready to cheer whichever North American player you overlooked a soft but skilled European to draft (please be Ryan Nugent-Hopkins).
It's time for another nine game losing streak, Calgary Flames. Please?
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.