Friday, January 21, 2011

Roman Turek Profile In Courage


It's Friday, and that means just one thing: A Flames 'W'.

What the...? Oh yeah, yeah, you guys are indeed correct. It is that time of the week when we present the coveted Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

This weeks winner should be Curtis Glencross, but it isn't. He isn't because he is this weeks first nominee. But he should be because he hit this sucka, Clayton Stoner, from behind, and sent his ass head first into the boards. That shit is tits, and let us explain why: You want that edge on your team, and you want the opposition players on the other team to have to have that extra thought in their heads, have them thinking about where Curtis is at, when they play against the Flames.

Right? Let's be real here. Minnesota didn't do nothing coming off that hit. They don't have nobody on the team who is going to go to war. So take advantage of that shit, and play dirty. That's how the game is played, whether we talk about it out loud or not.

Curtis, in our books, made himself more valuable by doing that. The problems with the Flames are many, but listen yo, a lack of sandpaper is one of them. Glencross showing some is worthy of a yeehaw.

Look, we will be intellectually honest. It was a dirty hit, and he probably should have been suspended, we guess. Here is a website with the Ovy hit on Campbell. We might be idiots, but seriously we can't see the difference between this one and the Cowboys . Glencross doesn't have the big push, but the area on the ice the 'hit' is delivered is the same. We see that. What does that mean? That means, right now, at this moment, the NHL thinks Curtis Glencross is a bigger star than Ovy was when Ovy's hit was delivered. They suspended Ovy for two games!

Nomination number two goes to Kipper. For sucking. But that could go to a lot of Flames, right? 6 - 0 to the Wild means that the forwards aren't doing shit either. And this talk to trade Kipper, being espoused by quite a lot of people, some of whom we respect, is absurd. The problems the Flames have with the salary cap isn't one caused by Jarome, or Kipper. Let's be real here. The owners have money and provide it to the team. There is no financial reason to trade Kipper, at all. So that line of reasoning isn't relevant, if you ask us. You can trade Kipper, sure, if you want, but you can't trade him while he is letting more hard rubber get through his legs than a model at a Dildo convention. He isn't blocking a prospect and the team can afford the contract. A trade should only be made with consideration as to what the team is getting back. If that is shit on a stick, then don't trade him. Hold on to the asset and let it rebuild its value. If it doesn't, who cares? It is only an issue because there is a salary cap. The salary cap is an issue because they have guys named Stajan, Hagman, Kotalik, Sarich, Staios, and name-your-favourite-terrible-contract (Jblow!) on the roster. Like all the same people who want to trade Kipper for peanuts on the dollar keep saying, the team can sign an average goaltender for cheap if Kipper truly sucks for the majority of his contract and go tandem.

Let us spell it out: Players who have actually done something of note for this franchise, like Iggy and Kipper, they aren't on our list of players to trade just because. If you can get a real return for them it's one thing, we can talk about it, but otherwise?

Our third nominee is the American economy. The American economy, in our humble opinion, is about to get a little more jacked up. It's going to get worse, American economy, not better. Why do we think that? Lots of reasons, but one big one is that the guys who are in charge of the fixing this mess are communists. Sorry, but they are. Obama just had a meeting with people he thought were influential, with regards to the economy. They were all left wing kooks (effin' pinko's). Not a single dissenting voice was in the meeting, which isn't very adult. On top of that, Obama brought his economic boys with him to the meeting, Austan Goolsbee and Jared Bernstein. Why does this worry us? Because, like we said, they are communists. Well, one of them is a closet commie and the other is out. Bernstein wrote a book called Benefits Of Full Employment: When Markets Work For People. Anyone who writes a book with the words Benefits Of Full Employment in the title is a commie, sorry, but they are. Goolsbee is just a closet commie. And wouldn't you know, he never had a job in private sector in his life.

These people are in charge of 'fixing' the economy? And you thought Darryl Sutter was a bad GM...

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award is Mike Richards.


So the Flames suckage has finally costs us something tangible. Mike is gone. And we never even asked him for a free plug on the radio!

So funny. When we found out we sent off emails to the guys over at the FAN960, asking for the story. Turns out all we needed to do was use the google. We are stuuupid. But not as stupid as Rogers, for letting Mike go.

Honestly, Richards is ratings gold. How the hell did they let him get away? That is a pretty big fuck up, if you ask us, on par with having Loubardias call Flames game.

This move leaves us torn. While we are deeply saddened that we will no longer be able to hear Mike ramble through what should be an easy question to ask, we are happy an opening has, err, opened, at the station for Dome Beers favourite, Doug 'Motherfucking' Kirkwood.

Hey, Kelly Kirch, if you aren't going to hire us, please for the love of whatever God you worship, hire Kirkwood. If you, Kelly, are thinking about replacing Richards with Loubardias, then you are setting yourself up for a lawsuit.

That's right, a lawsuit. For what? Assault and battery, that's what. And emotional trauma, too. Loubardias is so fucking bad at entertaining people that he has been known to cause earbleeds if you listen to him for too long. Causing someones ears to bleed is fucking battery, Kirch. You can't put someone that terrible on the radio for five days a week and not expect us to launch a class-action lawsuit on behalf of the good people of this city. So just avoid the risk and hire Kirkwood, ok? Or us!

Back to Rogers (the company) being stupid. Do you people realize they let Mikes contract expire? That he had been working without a contract? That's fucking insane. Mike is a fucking star, you have to hold on to stars. Look, let us help you out, Rogers, in case this shit comes up in the future. If someone doesn't want to work for you anymore, regardless of the reason, here is the solution: YOU OFFER MORE MONEY. And because Mike brings in money because he is ratings gold, you might want to keep him.

Problem: Mike doesn't want to live here, he wants to live in Toronto.

Solution: OFFER MORE MONEY.

Problem: Mike doesn't like being censored, and not having creative control over his show.

Solution: OFFER MORE MONEY.

Problem: Mike wants more money.

Solution: OFFER MORE MONEY.

It's pretty easy to follow, actually. Why Rogers didn't? Who knows.

The story actually gets better. Turns out Mike has been trying to bolt Calgary for Toronto for at least a year, if not two. He was never able to negotiate a deal with the FAN590 (probably because they didn't OFFER MORE MONEY), which is why he was still in Calgary. But he had been actively trying to find a job in Toronto. To be with his family, which is pretty soft and worthy of a mention on 'Gay Or Not Gay'. Anyways, TSN guys probably know about this, because the idiots over at Rogers allowed Mike to have TSN guys on the show, and Mike being Mike (read: awesome) probably quite quickly became friends with these guys. So he lets them know he wants to be in Toranta (that's how those people say it, isn't it?), and they let their TSN overlords know...

And the next thing you know Mike Richards is the new face of TSN Radio. But Mike leaving Rogers so he can kill Rogers for TSN isn't even the best part. The best part is that Mike let the guys over at Rogers, and the guys over at the FAN960, know he was leaving the company a few hours before he was to do the morning show today!

What an asshole move, right? Which just builds the legend that is Mike Richards. So tits.

Seriously though, we will miss Mike. We are aspiring comics ourselves, and Mike was actually good at his job. We watch those people, like learning from those people, and now the cat is gone. Kinda sad. Who are we going to get free lessons from now? And again, we never got the free plug from Mike. Not that we ever asked, but now we are pissed at ourselves for never asking!

Anyways, good luck to you Mike, not that you will need it.

For...well, for being Mike Richards, Mike Richards wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

(Shit, they traded V Wells. Rogers is just cutting back the budget everywhere, eh?)

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired. And I also think that under no circumstances whatsoever should he be allowed to take over for Mike. Not unless you want us listening to Jimmy Hughes in the morning instead.

9 comments:

  1. For a little clarity, mike let the show start this morning without him, he then voicemailed kirsch ( who was on a flight back to calgary) this was at 7am by which time the hapless and most boring employee of the new bright sportsnet package ( Andrew Walker) had started the show with the Ken and barbie of radio ( turtle and Lacey) no wonder richards bolted!! Please god no more walker or Any other 15 yr old they find making tea at radio school.... Come on Kirsch !!$!

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  2. Sorry got carried away, anyways Mike's voicemail stated that he had accepted an offer from another company and that it was not right for him to come onto the show knowing that he was leaving. Wonder why Jungle Jim was unavailable :)
    fire em all kelly and start fresh, the lame flames are outperforming ur terrible show now... What was once (3 years ago) the greatest morning show is now run by a boring child (walker) with no guests now that TSN have put the block on there guys being interviewed... Oh dear X 92.9 here we come

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  3. Just knock'en sucka's down Anonymous!

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  4. That Jungle Jim line is classic.

    Also, DB, far as I can tell, you predicted the Flames win, and we won. So asshole why havent you been predicting more Flames wins? It's your fault we are losing.

    Long live Loubardias!

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  5. Get ready to return to the world of Rick LaFitte reading out the out of town scores for 3 hours. This has got to be one of the all time dumbest moves by Rogers.

    Of course it does make me smile a little bit knowing that Richards was lying through his teeth every time he expressed an anti Toronto sentiment and made yet another homer comment.

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  6. Wow, turned into the morning show. What crap. Rick LaFitte is terrible on radio, cuz he sounds so neurotic. Boom has a high pitched voice, and it makes you shut the radio off in the morning. Also, Richards nvr proclaimed he hated T.O, he hated Edmonton. He spent half his show talking leafs, ti-cats, and argo's.

    I hope the morning show right now is a ST solution.

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  7. Yeah, I didn't hear much of the show this morning, but what I did here was pretty 'meh-blah'. Are they trying to get people to fall asleep as they drive down the Deerfoot?

    If I was them I would hire me, at least as a writer if nothing else. If they arent going to hire me they should go down to the comedy clubs and get a richards clone.

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  8. Richards took shots at the leafs when the came into town. Being a Ti-Cats fan is one thing but given his connections to the Leafs history he was actually quite happy to bash them.

    The only reason he even mentioned the Argos in the air were:

    1. He could do a killen Pinball Celmons impersonation

    2. He liked Jim Barker who was a friedn to the program

    3. Cope was there.

    Lafitte is awful. Boomer is worse because he thinks he's decent. I remember a show quote some time ago when that hot chick who used to work there was on the air with Kerr and Boomer. Boomer was so sullen in talking to her and Kerr was trying his best to ease the tension that I was positive that Boom had put the moves on her and been denied.

    Who knows if that is true or not but I like the theory.

    In short . . . Loubardias might be an improvement on those jokers. And I think he's worse than cancer.

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  9. RT, you may have provided the site with it's long searched for byline: Loubardias, worse than cancer.

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