Friday, January 28, 2011

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Revolution!

What? Huh? Oh yeah, yeah that's right. It is also that time of the week when we present the highly coveted and much sought after Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

It's been a crazy, 19th century-esque week, has it not? Maybe we should make Metternich and Talleyrand the nominees?

But alas, we won't. No, our first nominee of the week is none other than good ol' Eddie Stelmach. Ding dong the hick is dead! Politically, at least. The Natpo had a good article on the situation. It seems our good friend Ed isn't just getting thrown out of the PC's in a shallow attempt to confuse the populace into believing they are, you know, conservative again, but he is also walking away from the top spot in the province with more than the knife in his back. He is also taking home a cool million dollars. That's right, Ed spent four years as premier, spending away the surplus and putting the province into deficit, AND we, the taxpayer, get to pay him a million dollars for the privilege. One-party rule is awesome!

Seriously, if this doesn't make the PC party look like an old decrepit leech on the Alberta taxpayer, we don't know what will. We are happy Ed's gone so we can end the amateur hour stuff, but we have to pay him a million dollars? Here's hoping Alberta wakes up and smells the Wildroses (political advocacy on Dome Beers? My word!).

Speaking of corrupt politicians...this Egypt thang is a mess. And our second nominee. Egypt is a mess anyways, the leaders of the nation are somewhat normal, and a huge swath of the people there are...not so normal. The current dictator of the joint is a cat named Mubarak. Mubarak was the general of the Egyptian Air Force under Sadat. Sadat, if you will recall, was shot because he talked to a Jew. For reals. Sadat was a man who launched the Yom Kippur War, lost it spectacularly, and yet ended up coming out of it with the Sinai. He was a pragmatic, secular, intelligent man. Mubarak was his general. After Sadat was shot by Islamists for talking to Jews, Mubarak took over. Thank God he did, because the alternative was the Egyptian flavour of the Taliban.

Now some people don't like Mubarak because he is a kleptocratic thug. We think that's pretty short sighted. Believe us, the crazy Muslim who replaces him isn't going to be any less thuggish or kleptocratic, but will be much more, well, crazy and religiously fundamental. In cases like this, you stick with the known knowns.

Point blank: The newspapers here keep talking about a youth rebellion. Hate to break it to you people, everyone in Egypt is a youth, the median age is 25. The country has been increasingly radicalized by Islam for the last 30 years. These 'youths' have grown up with the Muslim Brotherhood, a terrorist organization. You can talk about facebook and twitter all you want, but if this was a facebook or twitter revolution it would be over by now, because Mubarak saw what happened in Iran (the American non-response to the Iranians shooting their own people in the streets) and would have gone ahead and shot the 'youth' protesters. He didn't. He didn't because they have the backing of the Muslim Brotherhood, which itself has wormed its way into positions of influence in the Egyptian Armed Forces. The intellectuals who have been brought in to give the revolution a false facade will be discarded as soon as their usefulness is over. Hope El-Baradei and his crew realize this.

Our third nominee of the week is Craig Conroy. What, you though we were going to award him the RTPIC? For what, for retiring a year late? Craig Conroy trying to hold on to his time in the league meant that we had to be stuck with Loubardias for one more year. We are glad he got his 1000 games, but is Conroy going to pay for the cities reconstructive ear surgery? And even now, as we speak, he is still thinking about whether he is going to retire and take his rightful place in the Flames broadcast booth (who are we kidding, Craig's good, he is going to go national, TSN, baby) or go down to play in Abby. Stop fucking thinking about this, Craig. You need to retire because we need some audio relief. With every passing day Loubardias sounds more whiny, bloviates more, and he keeps telling us that Adam Pardy is from Bonavista, Newfoundland. It's getting worse, Craig, not better, and it is incumbent on you to come in and save us, the fans. You always talk about how you love the fans, Craig. Well, now it is your chance to prove it. Liberate us from Loubardias, Craig. DO IT!

And yes, this cat better play in the Alumni game.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Bishnu Shrestha



Who? Oh, just one of the most bad ass motherfuckers on the planet. Fuck, the universe, for all we know.

Why? Because, well, number one, the cat is a Gurkha. What's a Gurkha? Fuck, does anybody read history anymore? Seriously, Domebeer-aholics, you live in the Commonwealth for Whalens sake. A Gurkha is someone who will kill your ass. They are Nepalese, which means they live in a hard fucking place, and because they do, they tend to grow up to be hard motherfuckers. These cats are from the same stock as the people who take Whitey's gear up to the top of Everest. These cats stopped the initial Muslim invasion of the Indian Kingdom by themselves. Nobody was doing that shit back in the day. But most notably for the Gurkha's is that they went to war with the British when the British were in India. Now, we don't know how much you know about the British, but they weren't always respectful of the locals in the countries they colonized. You know what happened when they met the Gurkha's? The Gurkha's went to war, and fought the British to a stalemate. Nobody was doing that shit back in the day. You know what the British did after this? They made the Gurkha's British citizens, basically. The Gurkha's were incorporated into the British Army. Brown indigenous peoples weren't really embraced by the British as humans, let alone allowed to join the army. They could even become officers! That's how bad ass the Gurkha's are.

So what did our Gurkha, the honourable Bishnu Shrestha, do to deserve the RTPIC? He single handily stopped 40 armed robbers from robbing the train he was on. Yeah, he stopped 40, FOUR ZERO, armed men all by his lonesome. It's like Kipper vs the Red Wings, right? But in this story, the good guy wins!

And what makes the story so great is that Shrestha wasn't even going to kill the robbers until the robbers decided that robbing the train wasn't enough, and they were in fact going to rape some girl in front of her parents. Uh oh! Not when a Gurkha is on the train you don't. Shrestha, upon seeing this bad mojo going down, decides to stand up, and introduce himself to the rapists. By using his kukri (it's the curved knife the Gurkha's rock, which allows them to disembowel you in like half a second) and his own general bad-assness to kill the first three robbers who stepped to him. Fucking going Die Hard, that Shrestha.

You might think that the odds still favoured the robbers at 37-1, but only if you didn't know what a Gurkha was. The robbers obviously didn't, because it would take eight of them getting badly, badly wounded, like no more hands and a half a face badly wounded, for them to clue in to the fact that maybe they should turn around and run away screaming into the night.

Did we mention that this took place in the middle of the jungle? Do you know what goes down in a jungle at night? You get eaten alive by some monster tiger, that's what. So these robbers chose to face a killer jungle at night rather than go 29 on one with Shrestha. Gurkha's. Fucking bad ass, man.

And the kicker is that Shrestha doesn't think he is a superhero, because he was only doing what he was expected to do. How beautiful is that?

Well, Shrestha, you are a hero, even though you only did what Gurkha's do. Us mortals appreciate it.

For saving a train full of people all their loot, and for stopping a girl from getting raped by some slug in front of her parents, Bishnu Shrestha wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award. Honestly, we were going to give it to Craig, but Craig never stopped a train robbery by himself.

But Craig will be missed. Fan favourite.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

1 comment:

  1. That's an awesome story, a solid RTPIC winner.

    Die Hardest: Yippeekiyay, yak-fucker.

    Good luck Connie. Can't wait to see you on the broadcast team.

    ReplyDelete