Tuesday, January 25, 2011

In Celebration Of Stelmach Quitting

Sutter V Stelmach
originally aired May 25th, 2010.
(Yeah, they are both gone, we know. Who do you think made it happen? Loubardias better watch his back.)

Darryl Sutter and Ed Stelmach. You will not find any more controversial farmers in Alberta then these two cats. And that got us at Domebeers thinking: Just which dumb ass has been worse in their position?

Now, we know what you, dear Reader, are thinking. Just how could anyone fuck up more than one Ed Stelmach? And we know that it has nothing to do with politics. Communist greenie or robber baron capitalist, nobody in this province likes the muddling and ineffective pretender to King Ralphs throne.

But still...could Darryl Sutter be doing a worst job at running the Flames than Stelmach is at running the province? Just for shits and giggles, how about we take a look.

As with all things, we will start at the beginning. Darryl Sutter and Ed Stelmach were both Albertan farmers. They are good at farming in Alberta. Hell, they should have probably stuck with farming in Alberta. Alas, they did not.

Darryl Sutter came into power via coup. He was hired by Craig Button (who has a firm handshake, by the way) to coach the team. At the end of the season, the man Mr. Button had hired to coach the team would end up taking his job, through a backroom deal with Ken King. Stolen leadership.

Ed Stelmach came to power via coup, also. Ralph Klein had retired without telling anybody, and the PC party of Alberta got a little ticked off. They decided to go all Brutus (read some history) on his ass. To fill the leadership gap, a leadership vote was held. Dinning, Morton, and Stelmach were all up for the position of Ralphs replacement, and thanks to the wonders of proportional representational balloting, the guy nobody voted for, Ed Stelmach, ends up winning. Stolen leadership.

Now, to be fair, Darryl Sutter's position as Flames GM requires no election to ratify. But Premier of the province most certainly does, but Ed Stelmach won't have that election, because he knows he would lose to Danielle Smith. Moving on...

So Darryl and Stelmach, in our re-telling, are now in charge. Cool. What have these two cats been up too?

Well, Ed Stelmach began his tour of duty with the belief that the price of oil couldn't possibly ever drop below $100 a barrel, and so he changed the royalties that the province charged the oil companies, IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONTRACT. Boys and girls, that is what 3rd world dictators do.

Darryl Sutter traded or signed the following: Kotalik, Sauve, Friesen, Amonte, Marchment. Trading or signing these pieces of shit is a move that only a 3rd world dictator should be able to get away with.

Ed Stelmach would go on to promise infrastructure spending to each of the cities in the province, Calgary and Edmonton. In a move of absolute retardation, Ed Stelmach would then go on and break the promise he made to the City of Calgary over funding. He cut back the amount of funding he promised because nobody in Calgary voted for him at the leadership convention, ensuring nobody in Calgary would ever vote for him. Ed Stelmach bumbled the infrastructure spending.

Darryl Sutter has been unable to sign a coach that the players on the roster respect and listen to. Instead, he has signed junior coaches in Brent Sutter and Jim Playfair, or a pedophile looking motherfucker in Mike Keenan (who the owners paid to sit and do nothing this year, by the way). Bumble, bumble, bumble.
One of Ralph Kleins claims to fame was that he tamed the deficit beast, and made Alberta debt free. One of Ed Stelmachs claims to fame is that he has borrowed money needlessly (maybe because he chased those oil companies away when he changed the royalties) and now Alberta is in debt. An Alberta in debt is an Alberta that has the specter of income tax hikes, which threatens the Alberta Advantage. In short, Alberta has lost its identity under Ed Stelmach.

Darryl Sutter's claim to fame is that he installs a hard nose, no nonsense work ethic in his teams. We all remember 03-04. But curiously, post lockout, Darryl has continually filled this teams roster with soft, skilled players who don't have a work ethic at all and are definitely not hard nose. Matt fucking Stajan on a Darryl Sutter team? What the fuck is going on here, people? Under Sutter, the Flames have lost their identity (which Darryl installed in the first place, ARGH FUCK).

Ed Stelmach knows he is in a precarious political situation, and because of that fact, he has made moves to solidify his stance in the eyes of the special interests in this province. Massive payments have been made to the healthcare unions, the teachers unions, the, uhh, union union. And when we say massive, we mean massive: Billions of dollars to ensure that these special interest groups receive raises several percentage points over the rate of inflation, in an economic environment that dictated cost cutting. Ed Stelmach got into bed with the unions.

Darryl Sutter, due to his inability to construct a balanced roster, found himself in a precarious employment situation this year. Because of this, he went on to trade for every member of the Toronto Maple Leafs not named Phil Kessel. Yes, it is true: Darryl Sutter got into bed with Brian Burke. Ewww.

Still reading? Good, but we will end with this: Ed Stelmach chased the oil investors out of this province by changing the royalties in the middle of a contract. As a result, he was forced to look for new investors, which he found, in China. You guys know who runs China, right? An illegal, communist, criminal regime that cares little for the rights or well being of the Chinese people. In fact, the red communists regard most of the Chinese citizenry as slaves.. And Stelmach actually does business with these people.

Darryl Sutter? He swung a trade with the Edmonton Oilers. Makes us want to puke.

So, after all of that, who has been worse, Ed Stelmach or Darryl Sutter?

And why the fuck can't both these cheese dicks go back to farming?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


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