Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The First Fake Interview With Darryl Since He Went Into Hiding

As you are all aware, sometime last week Darryl Sutter was fired. Or resigned after being asked too, or however we are saying it to be polite. Whatever. While it was news that was greeted with open arms and jubilant celebration by the majority of the fanbase, it wasn't greeted as warmly in other quarters. Namely, our quarter.

Darryl Sutter was starting to become the comedic gift that kept on giving. Take this little gem, quoteth Sutter:

"Even though we weren’t a playoff team, it’s really a good team, and we’re one player away from being a top team again."

He said this June, 2010, moments before resigning Olli Jokinen. We know, right? It was like watching Steve Martin perform. Martin is famous for playing the guy who is a fool who doesn't know he is a fool, wink. Except with Darryl, you never knew if there was a wink.

When we heard the news of Darryl's demise, we were miffed. Not because of any illusions about Darryl getting a raw deal, but because we had all this material sitting in a notebook that we never got too. And it looks now that we will never get to get to it.

Bummer, dude. But wait! Nobody has gotten a word with Darryl yet...hmm, and this site does have a cast of world class interviewers at its disposal...Wonder if anything could be done to kill two birds with one stone?

And viola! Wouldn't you know it, but we happened to be hanging out with Green Hard Hat and the Road Tie, and you know how those two are close to Darryl, so we asked them if they could get into the door to talk to the man, and they were kind enough to try and oblige.

Now, some players: Darryl gave the interview, but due to his inability to speak to people in clear, concise sentences, we arranged for Horse the horse, one of Darryl's favourites in his stable, to do some translating for us. Having a horse in the room was good because it seemed to put Darryl at ease. Also, the Milskey helped.

Without further ado...

Interview was conducted by Road Tie and Green Hard Hat. Darryl is translated by his horse.

After a night of buying drinks for the DB crew, Green Hard Hat and Road Tie hear the news about Darryl. Excusing themselves from the drunken debauchery, they make their way to an undisclosed location deep in the heart of Alberta. They can do so because they fly around in helicopters, because Green Hard Hat is fabulously wealthy (it's a bit of a story). Anyways, they arrive to a darkened ranch in the middle of the night. Lightning tears up the sky, revealing a pasture full of the most gritty looking cattle you will ever see. Instead of grass, Darryl has tobacco plants growing everywhere for his cattle to feed on, because tobacco is much more macho than grass. The cattle trough isn't full of water, it's full of Big Rock Trad. Welcome to Darryl's.

Making their way to the front door, Green Hard Hat and Road Tie begin to wonder what they will find on the inside. No lights are on in the house, which is a little scary because Brett might be in town and the two protagonists don't want to be sucker punched in the head. Swallowing their fear, they are about to knock on the door when it mysteriously opens. The two intrepid adventures are staring into a black abyss when another finger of lightning scratches across the sky, revealing...

Road Tie: You know, no matter how many times I see it, I will never get used to seeing you dressed up in a tuxedo. How are, Horse?

Horse, the horse: Not so good, gentlemen, not so good. I mean, I am fine, personally. In fact, just got my tests back after that crazy weekend up in Edmonton and it came back all negatives. Clap aignt fast enough to catch me on my gallop, you know what I mean?

Green Hard Hat: You had sex with an Edmontonian? That's disgusting.

Road Tie: Well, it's good that you are in good spirits, Horse, but we are actually here because of Darryl.

Horse, the horse: Oh, you heard? Yeah, it's been terrible news. Darryl really took it hard.

Green Hard Hat: I bet, getting axed during Christmas like that must have been tough?

Horse, the horse: Oh, that? No, no I thought you were talking about the home theatre system.

Green Hard Hat: Home theatre system?

Horse, the horse: Yeah. Darryl just got a new one. But he didn't get any new movies to go with it. When the salesman told him that his new blue-ray player wouldn't work with his VHS tapes, and he would have to replace his collection, he flat out told the salesman that he didn't believe in rookies, and that his veteran VHS tapes would do just fine. He has spent the last three days trying to jam his tape of Rock Em Sock Em 3 into the blue-ray player, threatening to send the tape to the AHL. We all know he can't because of the NMC he gave it, of course.

Road Tie: Wow, sounds bad. Do you mind if we see him?

Horse, the horse: Not at all, not at all. Follow me.

Horse leads Green Hard Hat and Road Tie through Darryl's house, up the main stairs and to Darryl's main study. Horse knocks on the door. A loud mumbling immediately follows Horse's knocks.

Green Hard Hat: What the hell was that?

Horse, the horse: Oh, that was just Darryl. He was yelling 'Tell King I'm not helping.' Ken King has been getting calls from the likes of Brian Burke demanding to know how he could fire Darryl when Darryl still had a first round draft pick to trade him for PMD.

Road Tie: PMD?

Horse, the horse: Bozak.

Horse knocks again on Darryl's study, neighs loudly at the mumbles, and opens up the door.

Horse, the horse: Darryl, it isn't King. It's your friends Green Hard Hat and Road Tie, and they have come to see you because they are worried about you.

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: He says that it's terrible you have to see him like this.

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: He says that it's especially terrible because of how it happened, and who orchestrated the power play against him. Men he brought in, a man who brought him in. Men he trusted.

Green Hard Hat: Who, or what, are you talking about, Darryl?

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: He says that Brent Sutter, his very own brother, and Jay Feaster, a man he brought into the organization, conspired against him. He says they got together, and hatched a plot to convince Ken King and the owners to abandon him and have him fired.

Road Tie: Darryl, that's just crazy. Why would they want to do that?

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: He says that it isn't crazy. He says he isn't crazy! Would a crazy man trade for Steve Staios? He says that they wanted to get him fired from the Flames, his beloved, because they found out he was going to get them fired! He says he thinks Harvey told them. Harvey knows.

Road Tie: Darryl, my good man, surely you jest? You wanted to terminate Brent? You wanted to fire another coach?

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: Darryl said what do you mean?

Road Tie: I know what he said Horse, I've been through the wars with the man! Darryl, you mean to tell me that after you, after Playfair, after Keenan, it was still a coaching issue? You don't think some of the player personnel decision hurt the team?

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: Darryl says he greatly resents that accusation. He says that just because he signed bad coaches in the past doesn't mean he was immune from hiring yet another bad coach the third time around. He says that if you think about it, the fact that he hired Brent might be a clear indication that Brent isn't a good coach!

Green Hard Hat: Darryl, we love you. You need to stop drinking Milskey.

Road Tie: Yeah, Darryl, really. Who traded for Ales Kotalik? Was it you, or was it the Milskey? It certainly wasn't Brent.

Green Hard Hat: You think the Milskey helps keep you tough, keep you a man. But has it, Darryl? Would a real man sign Matt Stajan to a long term extension? Matt Stajan's part of the core now, Darryl? Matt Stajan is part of the core of a macho Sutter team? You traded for a defenceman who was 3 feet tall, and then you traded him away for a tall bean pole European? Where's the direction, Darryl? Men walk through life with direction, man, and you are wondering aimlessly, like some sort of lost child. The chasing around of Olli Jokinen like you were some love struck school boy? It's not manly to repeat mistakes to spite the public, Darryl, it's foolish. And yeah, seriously, what the fuck was up with Kotalik?

Darryl: To be quite honest, mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: He says Kotalik is a twenty goal scorer in this league. He says Hagman and Stajan are 60 point players. He says Kiprusoff can post 1.65 GAA's year in and year out, and Jarome should score 50 goals a year. He says Babchuk gives them a legitimate scoring option from the point. He says that the only reason they aren't producing to the levels they are capable of is because a) Jay Feaster keeps eating all the food at teams game day meals and b) Brent Sutter is coaching them to fail.

Green Hard Hat: Horse, are you kidding me?

Horse, the horse: Listen man, I'm just translating here.

Road Tie: Darryl, you didn't tell Ken King any of this, did you?

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble!

Horse, the horse: Darryl says that he did tell Ken this, right before he fired him, err, he resigned. He says that he thinks he got fired because Feaster had already gotten to King and convinced him that Darryl was going to cut off the Flames upper management from the teams meals. He says that when Ken heard him voice his concerns over Feaster eating all the food, Ken got spooked and figured Darryl would ban him, too.

Road Tie: My good chap, are you suggesting to me that you were fired because you threatened Ken Kings access to free food?

Green Hard Hat: Wait a second, Road Tie, don't dismiss the idea out of hand.

Road Tie: Gentlemen, let me be frank. It's as absurd to think that Darryl was fired because he was going to take burgers away from Ken King and Jay Feaster as it is to think Ales Kotalik is a twenty goal scorer.

Horse: Burn!

Green Hard Hat: Wait a second now, have you ever seen them eat? It's like Bob Mackenzie at a donut factory, only with more sweaty bellyfat jiggling around. Actually, that might be kind of sexy...

Road Tie: Eww. Stop, just stop. Darryl, look, the players on the roster are only partially having their numbers hurt by your brothers coaching. The rest of that is that they just aren't very good. And the more you try to justify it, the worse it becomes. It's kinda like sleeping with an under age girl, in that way.

Green Hard Hat: Heh, remember that time in Maui?

Road Tie: We all remember that time in Maui, but that's not what we are talking about now.

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse, the horse: And she did that with both hands tied behind her back!

Green Hard Hat: Yes, good times. Anyways, Darryl, why'd you get rid of Gelinas? And Simon, what was wrong with Chris Simon? I know Martin Gelinas, the Eliminator, isn't as tough as Tony 'powder puff' Amonte, or Juice, or even a half broken Owan Nolan, but you couldn't find room for him on the roster?

Road Tie: You chose Nilson over Gelinas man, that's hard to justify.

Darryl: Mumble!

Horse, the horse: He says Gelinas was just too clutch in the playoffs to be a Calgary Flame. He wants to know how the hell he was supposed to keep getting bounced in the first round with a guy like that on the team!

Green Hard Hat: Fair enough. But that wasn't a great move. Also, not signing Cammalleri was fucking stupid.

Horse, the horse: Yeah, and he gave Bourque a six year deal! Can you believe that? He's never even played a full season in the league!

Darryl: Mumble, mumble, mumble!

Road Tie, Green Hard Hat, and Horse the horse burst into laughter. We would translate Darryl's witty one-liner for you, but Horses voice is getting a little...hoarse!

Road Tie: It's good to see you making jokes again, Darryl. Good to see you getting your spirits back. We have to bounce though, it's getting kind of late. Do you have any of your favourite Sutterism's to leave us with?

Darryl Sutter: Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. Mumble, mumble. Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Horse: He said furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired!

2 comments:

  1. Sutter thinks every coach we had sucks b/c when he coached a similar group of players, he did a good job. How would you feel if you were sweet @ something, & everyone else fucked it up. U'd think they're retards.

    Someone being fat a take?

    Maybe we should rehire D.sut when he gets sobers up? jk

    ReplyDelete
  2. DB

    Leave Sutter alone! You are lucky he even GM'ed for you people!

    ReplyDelete