Monday, January 24, 2011

Titles Is Hard, Yo

Domebeer-aholics, we have a special treat for you today. As you are all no-doubt aware, Mike Richards has left Rogers and has taken his talents to TSN. While Mike had been operating without a contract for some time, his departure still caught the majority of this city off guard. People were angry, bitter, and confused. Many wondered why would Mike leave without saying goodbye.

And while many defaulted to the opinion that Mike was really as greedy and selfish as he portrayed himself on the radio, we thought that was slightly unfair. So we contacted Mike Richards to see if he would come into Dome Beers and give the people he abandoned to the boring dullness of Rick Lafitte some answers.

Without further ado, here is the transcript of that interview:

Dome Beers: The sudden and swift departure of Mike Richards sent a ripple of anger throughout this city. Mike has left the FAN and has agreed to become the face of the soon to be launched TSN radio. Mike was gracious enough to come in and speak with us, so as to explain his side of the story to his fans. So, Mike, before we begin, how the hell are you?

Mike Richards: (Mike Richards is not in the studio)

Dome Beers: Uhh, ok, so, we, uhh, we had Mike booked to come in and do the prep work an hour ago. I'm sure he is just stuck in traffic, or something.

Mike Richards: (Mike Richards is not in the studio. There is no traffic on the road outside of the studio. There is no traffic on Deerfoot, either. Why would there be, it is like 4:30 AM.)

Dome Beers: Oh boy. Mike is still not here? (Turns to Producer: I have an audience out there waiting for Richards, where the hell is he? I didn't prepare any remarks, I thought Mike would be doing that. I had only planned on doing the sports updates, and this interview today. No, I don't want to ask the audience the questions I had for Mike.) So, uhh, looks like Mike will be a little late to the show today...anybody have any Steve Armitage stories they want to tell?

Mike Richards: (Mike Richards is still not in the studio. Nobody has any Steve Armitage stories that don't involve hookers and beer. This interview is going terribly.)

Dome Beers: (Two hours into the interview and Mike is still not in the studio. The audience is shouting that they have been 'gayed'.) So, Mike still hasn't shown up, even though he told us he would. We just talked to him yesterday, and he gave no indication that he would be late, or that anything was up. What could be going on? Should we call the cops? Mike might be hurt. Oh look, we have a voice mail message. Let's check it.

Mike Richards Voice Mail Message: Hi, this is the Mike Richards. Listen, I know I had said that I would come into the studio and do an interview with you guys over at Dome Beers, but late last night I signed a new agreement to do an interview with Bruce Dowbiggin instead. I won't be coming in to do your interview because it just wouldn't be right. Why am I telling you this two hours into your interview instead of late last night when I signed my new agreement with Dowbiggin? Because I am an asshole. Thanks, and have a good day. Or don't, I don't really care, loser.
...

The Flames. An entertaining bunch sometimes, no?

We may be a little premature here, but the Flames may have just played themselves out of a lottery pick with their two wins last night. As it stands currently, the team has a whopping 50 points (in only 49 games played!) and sits five points out of 8th place. Five points isn't that crazy a deficit to make up, but when you take into account that Flames also have to leap-frog six teams as well...it gets to looking a little bit crazy. We declared the season over some months ago, and we still don't see the team making the playoffs. It's all well and good that they beat Dallas and Vancouver, but they also lost 6 - 0 (AT HOME! IN FRONT OF PAYING CUSTOMERS!) to the Wild. We will start believing in this team when they stop getting shut out and boat raced at home.

But what about the other side of the equation? The Flames currently sit, again, with 50 points. Now the NHL has a lottery system, so New Jersey isn't guaranteed the top pick. New Jersey is guaranteed the best chance to get the number one pick. So technically, the Flames are still in position to get a top pick, every team in the bottom 17 are. But to get a realistic chance to pick in the top five, your team pretty much has to finish in the bottom five. The Flames are currently seven points above the threshold to get a top five pick (Toronto, with 43 points).

We could be wrong, but it looks over to us. This team is going to end the year with 80 - 90 points. Too many to draft a good player, too little to make the playoffs. A wasted season.
...

You know what would be fucking awful? If you were calling a hockey game for the CBC, and Alex Tanguay scored a goal on the pasta addicted goalie (that's racists!), and he scored the goal by putting the puck into the pads of said goalie and said goalie was so fat that he couldn't stop himself from falling back into the net completely, but the ref called it a no-goal, and there had to be a video review, and while the refs and Toronto were on the phone discussing the call, you and your partner kept telling the audience at home that it would be a no-goal because you couldn't see the puck (which was in the goalies pads, which had crossed the goal line) cross the goal line?

That would be fucking embarrassing, right? If you had spent 10 minutes letting the world know you were very, very stupid and didn't know how physics worked?

Sure glad that didn't happen, eh Kevin Weekes and Mark Lee?
...

So is Feaster going to do something or did Darryl get fired because Ken King needed some good PR? Because it would be a shame if they fired Darryl only to go through the rest of the season with his team.
...

Domebeer-aholics, you may not care, but somehow, A Squared, the GM of the Blue Jays, traded away Vernon Wells, which is news because trading Vernon Wells was deemed to be a fucking impossibility. Very exciting times for Jays fans. A Squared comes into the organization and says he is going to rebuild. Then they have a season which seems to show them ahead of schedule on the rebuild. So you know what he does? He trades the face of the franchise, and don't kid yourself, he makes the team worst by doing so. He also traded Marcum, a reliable starting pitcher, for a question mark. That's how you rebuild.
...

You know who would look good on Vancouver? Sarich and Glencross. Those two guys are the sandpaper that club needs to win a Cup.
...

Tommy K and Tim Jackman, Esq, you guys are tits. Wanna see Tommy K knock out some Canuck? We do!



You are a bad man, Tommy K, and you walk with bad intentions.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired. 

8 comments:

  1. Can't believe we missed: Mike Komisarek hits women. But he does, or has been alleged to have.

    That Burke is a genius, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  2. you mailed this one in, DB. Steelers give you an excuse, but step yo game up

    ReplyDelete
  3. I didn't think it was that terrible.

    What would I do without the Domebeer-aholics around to take pot shots?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Not Scott Oake - Mark Lee. Oake is the host. But you are right - they missed the replay at least twice of the linesman pointing at and removing the puck.

    PStew.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cancer >> Peter Loubardias >> Kevin Weekes >> Cassie Campbell

    That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Your strength is just an accident owed to the weakness of others."

    Its Calgarys own fault it has loubardias.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "This team is going to end the year with 80 - 90 points. Too many to draft a good player, too little to make the playoffs. A wasted season."

    This. Fucking this. And yet the bleating faithful on Twitter tell me I should rejoice because the Flames are on a goddamn three-game win streak.

    Give me someone to punch in the fucking throat.

    Like Lebourdias.

    ReplyDelete
  8. DB, Stelmach quit! Im glad he decided he sucked after he wasted our surplus, and cripple the city of Cal's budget! Maybe our Alderpeople should take note!

    ReplyDelete