Friday, October 29, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Halloween inspired easyness.

What the hell? Oh, yeah, yeah, you guys are right. It is indeed that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC)!

There were a lot of good potential nominees this week. Down south, the Americans are preparing to welcome the Tea Party to the adult table, the Democrats are running for the hills, and Obama is blaming you for not realizing how awesome he is. Dome Beers wants to highlight one thing: Christine O'Donnel is crazy, and she probably wasn't going to win her election. For some reason, a Democrat sympathetic media outlet ran a smear story about her yesterday, and the election is next week. This is not a good sign for the Democrats. First, women hate that shit, and we predict that they will now vote for O'Donnel out of sympathy. We think that story hands the election to O'Donnel. Second...why? Why go after a person who was down by 11 points in most polls? We will tell you why. The Democratic party planners and panicked and panic makes you do emotional, irrational things (like trading Olli Jokinen for Ales Kotalik).

The other thing everyone is talking about is the World Series and the American Federal Bank printing money. On the World Series: We went down to Arizona this year, and we caught a Giants game. We sat in the Giants section, and we sat next to some Mexicans who were also enlisted in the American military. Our kind of immigrants. So we are pulling for the Giants. Giants in 5. On Money Printing: Buy gold, and play the commodity bubble. Seriously, some people will tell you that since the start of the year, the DOW is up 14%. Cool. What's the USD down since the start of the year? So you didn't really make that much, did you? Again, buy gold. The Fed is going to inflate it up to $4000 an ounce.

Anyways, while those are respectable nominees for any other week, they didn't make it this week. This week only has room for one nominee for the RTPIC: Edmonton Oiler Cheerleaders.

Domebeer-aholics, you know that we here at Dome Beers have a nact for getting confidential and hard to find information. And we did it again. While the Edmonton Oilers would have you believe that the auditions for cheerleaders is closed, it actually was not. We managed to get in, and get our hands on the program. So without further ado, let's introduce you to some of the better Edmonton Oiler Cheerleaders.

Sarah


Sara is a fun loving gal from the prairies. Born and raised in Edmonton, she embodies the civic spirit and community mindness that Edmonton is famous for. Also, she is heavily pierced, which means she will probably suck your dick. Her likes include paying top dollar to see a last place hockey team, and her dislikes include winning.

Jessica
Jessica is a ravishing red head who also was born and raised in Edmonton. She was a co-winner of Miss Edmonton 2009, having to share the title with her equally intoxicating gunt. Her favourite story involves Craig Mactavish, after his usual 56 beer night, calling her 'Xena'. She also once beat Sam Gagner in an arm wrestling contest. Her likes include running out on bills from Osteria de Medici. Her dislikes include salads.

Monique


Monique is a sultry young lady who is famous in Edmonton for dating Erik Cole. Erik couldn't score, so he demanded a trade. She then rebounded from the failed relationship by dating Patrick O'Sullivan. Patrick wouldn't put in the work or effort required, and he too was unable to score. With Patrick leaving the team, Monique is now reportedly getting close to Taylor Hall. Her likes include scoring on herself, just like her hero Steve Smith. Her dislikes include living below the tree line.

Nicole

Nicole is clearly the coolest girl in the tryout. But at only 4 packs a day, she maintains the best breathe out of all the inhabitants of Edmonton. This buxom blond enjoys nothing more than spending her nights taking in the smell of industrial chemicals as she strolls 'Refinery Row'. Her dislikes include, like most people from Edmonton, actually living in Edmonton.

With all these choices, you can see why the Oilers plan to hold tryouts over several days.

The winner of this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Rubbertrouts Movember Campaign.

Rubbertrout hates cancer. And well he should. Cancer murdered his mom and is currently raping his dog. You read that right. Cancer is such an asshole that it is currently raping Rubbertrouts dog. After it murdered his mom. Fuck you, Cancer. Fuck off and die, you fucking bitch.

That's good, noble hate. That's the type of sentiment we can get behind, 100%. We have family members who Cancer murdered, too. Cancer is like that, it will kill anybody. It doesn't care if you are rich or poor. It doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly. It doesn't care if you are smart and cheer for the Flames or are mentally handicapped and cheer for the Oilers. It doesn't care. It will fucking kill you.

So let's stop taking this shit from Cancer. It's time to fight back. Let's help Rubbertrout murder Cancer.

In Rubbertrouts own words:
"I really, really, really hate cancer. I lost my mother to cancer nine years ago. My dog is currently undergoing cancer related radiation therapy. Cancer has at some point directly or indirectly affected nearly everybody I know. This year I’ve decided to try and do something about it. This year I’ve decided to grow a moustache."
Well said. The only thing we would have added is: What the hell is Cancer going to do, when the legions and legions of Domebeer-aholics trample right all over you (Cancer)?

DONATE, FOOL!
...

Gio signed, Jarome vs Brent Sutter, all good stuff. We will hit it next week. Go Stamps (did ya'll hear Nik Lewis shout out to DB on the radio?) and go Flames. Also, go alcohol.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mailbag

First, before we begin, DONATE TO RUBBERTROUTS MOVEMBER CAMPAIGN TO KILL CANCER.

Honestly, Domebeer-aholics, we were going to let our Cancer post stay up all day today (fuck Cancer) but we got an email from someone you may or may not know (DONATE MOTHERFUCKERS, DO IT NOW).

Remember DeathHammer?  He is the guy who writes our "Life And Times Of Harvey The Hound" (Vol 1, and Vol 2). While your humble correspondent was at the game yesterday (missed WI) an email was sent to us by the challenger to Tom Clancy's mantle. And it has inspired us to run our very first 'Mailbag' ever on Dome Beers.

It seems DeathHammer doesn't like the Oilers very much. We will let him explain it himself:

MAILBAG

From: DeathHammer@XXX.com 

Subject: Oiler Hate

Flames fans don't like Oiler fans. But not in an “I'm not gonnna keep the door open for that asshole” sense, or a “time to shit on this guys windshield” kind of way. We hate all you Oiler fans, but in the way we all hated the Honky Tonk Man, Shawn Michaels, and Evil Hogan. We hated the character, not the person. We know you're not like Vancouver fans, who have some sort of sick ‘Basic Instinct’ like love for their team, wanting to fuck and kill it at the same time. That’s sick as fuck, Vancouver fans. Oiler fans, greasy as you are, you’re not Canuck scum. So let's keep this civil.


It's not hard to say why we hate Oiler fans. The arrogance, snobbery, and the way they don't realize they are cheering for the City of Edmonton. It's enough to make any true Flames fan puke. When approached by one of these beasts, just remember Flame fan: they are only a bunch of jock sniffing, murderer cheering, Rexall junkies, that should never be taken seriously. So here for the DomeBeer-aholics, is some smack for whenever you encounter one of these "people."

Oiler fans think they are smart, and know everything not only about their pathetically crappy team, but the whole league. Does this belief stem from owning Centre-Ice, or being hardcore gamblers? No. It comes from watching TSN almost as much as Rider fans on game day, and playing EA NHL, (not the Sega NHL, Oiler fans hate 2kers.) This resume is obviously no PHD in hockey, and no, I don't even care if you have B-Mac's twitter or how many times you're mom blew one of the guys on the championship teams. So stop pretending you know better, because you don't. And how do I know that they don't know better? Because I know what makes these bureaucrats in waiting work.

Every Oiler fans confidence and belief comes from two things. The myth they are more loyal fans, and the five championships verses the Flames one. And honestly, a lot of Flames fans buckle under this pressure in an argument over fandom. So I get asked all the time "Death Hammer, you've beat Perfect Dark on Perfect Agent, how do you deal with this?” I don't point to the head offices in downtown Cow town, or the multitude of malls (not just one meant for social inbreeding). I get over this by hating on the true history and state of the Coilers. It helps me sleep at night as a Flames fan.

First the departures. Wayne Gretzky hated Edmonton almost as much as Messier, but he didn't have the balls to say it to the Coiler fan's face. Gretzky engineered a whole soap opera, involving his agent playing hardball with the owner, to get the fuck out of Edmonton. They could not pay his ass enough to play there anymore. "Moose" is a born and raised Edmontonian, and he demanded a trade from shitville. He went all Lebron, and the Oilers raised his jersey afterword, with a bad ass montage. And they're not the only ones. Everyone peaced after 1991, and no Oiler fan went to the games next year despite making the playoffs.

This leads to three major points in the debate:

1) Because they honored the people who left the city high and dry, they are jock sniffers, for life.

2) Because their attendance dropped more in their super star exodus years vs. the Flames exodus years, they are more bandwagon then we are. Let me be clear: Calgary Flames fans are more loyal then Edmonton Oiler fans, I don’t care if you’re a "small' market or not. Plus we all bought jerseys.

3) This is the most important part, Oiler fan. Every hockey player in this generation of players grew up having Oilers as their favorite players. The Dynasty Oilers are this generation of NHLers hero's. And kids want to emulate their hero’s. So every player wanting to be like Gretzky, Messier, or even Kurri wants to tell Edmonton that they don't want to play for their shitty team either, and to suck it big time. And let's face it, when you tell Edmonton to fuck itself as an NHLer, your career takes off.

And as the Greeks said, last but not least...

The Oilers owner is a drug dealer. He is also a native Edmontonian who doesn't live in Edmonton. How are you supposed to convince people to sign with your team when the owner doesn't even live there himself?

So that is that. When a POS Oiler fan hates, you hate back!

Now here's more Oiler fan smack now that the majority is taken care of.

They don't rock a mascot. They think they're too good for a mascot, that mascots are stupid. And that's too bad Oiler fan, because it's not about you, it's about kids, and they love that shit. So hook them up with a mascot without a history of violent crimes!

Craig MacTavish murdered someone. My friends and Google both confirmed this story. He had to do a year in the slammer.

Ryan Smith faked crying. He wanted to be liked when he came back, he wanted his montage. Pussy.

Gagne is a bust.

When they fired Pat Quinn, it was done pretty greasy. Hey did you know that Tom Renney's brother in law is the Oiler head pro scout? Funny.

I don't care what Mike Comrie did, nobody beats the Brick.
...

We will be honest. The line he ends it with, nobody beats the Brick (re: Comrie) gave us the lolz. Lolz will make us do funny things, like publish a rant like that. We would add the obligatory "these thoughts are an editorial and not the thoughts of the editor" but, well, the guy does make some valid points.

Except he forgot to mention the ugly jersey.

In case you were wondering, our response to DeathHammers email was something along the lines of "Gee, that's nice. When are we getting the next Harvey piece? You are about a month past deadline."

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rubbertrouts Team Is Going To Lose By 10 Goals Tonight, So Let's Help Him Fight Cancer

Something a bit different today, Domebeer-aholics.

We had promised that we were going to run the 'Meet The Edmonton Cheerleaders' post today (and to be accurate and fair, we also added that it could be Wednesday). And we may still, it's sitting in the WIP.

But one of the Domebeer-aholics requested our help for a cause. You Domebeer-aholics have helped us, have done us favours. You read the blog whenever we post our garbage, daily, by the hundreds (tell your friends so we can get up to the thousands), and we honestly thank you for that. If we can help you out, return the favour a little, we are happy to do it. And when it is the Yokozuna of the commenter's, one of the original gangsta's of the Domebeer-aholics, Rubbertrout, asking for our help, then it isn't even a question.

Rubbertrout hates cancer. And well he should. Cancer murdered his mom and is currently raping his dog. You read that right. Cancer is such an asshole that it is currently raping Rubbertrouts dog. After it murdered his mom. Fuck you, Cancer. Fuck off and die, you fucking bitch.

That's good, noble hate. That's the type of sentiment we can get behind, 100%. We have family members who Cancer murdered, too. Cancer is like that, it will kill anybody. It doesn't care if you are rich or poor. It doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly. It doesn't care if you are smart and cheer for the Flames or are mentally handicapped and cheer for the Oilers. It doesn't care. It will fucking kill you.

So let's stop taking this shit from Cancer. It's time to fight back. Let's help Rubbertrout murder Cancer.

In Rubbertrouts own words:
"I really, really, really hate cancer. I lost my mother to cancer nine years ago. My dog is currently undergoing cancer related radiation therapy. Cancer has at some point directly or indirectly affected nearly everybody I know. This year I’ve decided to try and do something about it. This year I’ve decided to grow a moustache."
Well said. The only thing we would have added is: What the hell is Cancer going to do, when the legions and legions of Domebeer-aholics trample right all over you (Cancer)?

DONATE, FOOL!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Dion Phaneuf Wears Pink Panties

Here is a fun quote from Eric Francis's boot licking homage to Dion: "Phaneuf was caught as off-guard as the hundreds of victims he’s claimed crossing his blueline."

And here is Phaneuf catching one of his 'victims': 3'4, 75 pound Danny Briere:


We are pretty sure even JBlow would have asked his mom for permission to throw the body there.

Listen, we know Francis is on HNIC now, so Toronto is his new favourite team. We get that. And we get that he still has his gig with the fishwrap. Putting the two and two together is even a logical move, and getting an interview with Dion was a way to do that. Cool.

How about asking him some questions he hasn't been asked a million time? How about showing some balls as a journalist? We know it's October, but how about throwing something other than a softball?

As far as we can tell, Francis asked Dion three questions: Tell me about the trade? Tell me about the media? Tell me about your girlfriend?

Which are good questions if you are a Flames junior reporter. However, they fall a little short if you are suppose to be a HNIC calibre journalist. Why? Because everybody and anybody who has a press pass has already asked Dion these questions. Because Francis asked the guy questions that weren't new, we didn't get any answers that were new. This is lazy journalism at it's best, and bootlicking at it's worst. Francis gave the guy an easy interview session in an attempt to gain goodwill with Dion. Fine, that's allowed, but don't think you aren't going to get called a bootlicker when you do that.

The question that should be asked but won't be (because the hockey media in this country is pussy whipped):

-What happened?

That's it, just one question. What happened? What happened between you and the players, between you and the administration?

Francis should have asked the question and he didn't. He didn't need to ask it on behalf of Flames fans, he needed to ask it on behalf of good journalism. The Toronto Maple Leafs made Dion their captain. When you think of captains, you think of people with a lot of character. Anybody round these here parts who has been paying attention knows there are huge questions about Dions character. A real journalist would have explored the contradictions about making a guy who got kicked out of the organization that drafted him, purportedly over his character, a captain.

Francis titles his article 'Life in the Fast Lane' which is ironic, because life in the fast lane is dangerous and unpredictable, and Francis's columns (and line of questioning) are about as safe, boring, and tedious as you can get.
...

We didn't want to spend all day on Dion, but we just wanted to put this out there: We won the trade.

Eric Francis ends his article with the line: One man’s panic is truly another man’s gain.

This in reference to Darryl, obviously. But we are not sure we agree. To us, a panic move would be one where a GM comes to the realization that he got the job on the basis of being able to build a contender, but has shot himself in the foot because he traded TWO FIRST ROUND PICKS FOR PHIL KESSEL (HOW STUPID COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE?). He then is so desperate to get Toronto to forget how bad a team they have, he has to trade for a name, any name, and doesn't mind trading THREE NHL CALIBRE PLAYERS to get said name. Even if said name, who comes with a 30 million dollar price tag, is being kicked off his team because of his immaturity.

From a pure risk analysis point of view, you have a better chance of getting the greatest amount of production out of three people than from one. Dion at his peak is a 60 point defender. Nothing to sneeze at, but those numbers came when he was playing against the lessor likes of the league, so who knows if he can ever repeat them. Nik Hagman and Matt Stajan are both 50 point guys. For 6 million dollars, the Leafs get 50 points and we get 100. Or from another perspective, we get around 40 goals and give up 20. And that's not even taking Mr. White's contributions into consideration.

Dion was the most talented player involved in that trade. Sure. But winning NHL games takes more than talent. It takes brains, and it takes a willingness to sacrifice that Dion didn't show in his time here. Hockey's a team game, and too often Dion tried to do it by himself. Those players can cause headaches on someone else's team. We fleeced Toronto.
...

Don't look now, but the Flames are the greatest team in the Northwest division. Every team in that division not named Calgary or Vancouver appear to be fatally flawed. The question is then: Can we win the division?

We reserve judgement, although it is nice to be even having this conversation, one that was unthinkable at the start of the month.

The NHL is a funny league. The cap has spread talent around, and it appears that on any given night, if a team takes that particular night off, any team can beat any team. And at this point in the season, teams are still taking nights off.

Are we really that much better than CBJ or San Jose? Really? Because it appeared to us that CBJ didn't bring their A-game against us, and neither did the Sharks. Detroit never brings their A-game this early in the season, but they didn't exactly take the night off against us either. 



Which means that they will have to work for the majority of the 82 to have success. And success at this point is just making the playoffs. This teams main problem has been it's work ethic, which is why the fans are/were getting on them (it takes no talent to work, and you are getting paid, so work). It will be interesting to watch if Coach Sutter can keep them focused.

Also, it will be up to Coach Sutter to keep Joker the hell away from Jarome.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.