Friday, February 26, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


Its Friday, and that means one thing: tonight, use the left hand!

Sorry, what? Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. It's also time to hand out the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC!) for the week.

A lot of worthy candidates this week: Joannie Rochette’s mom died, and she wins a bronze four days later. That's Favre. The Canadian Womens Bobsled Teams (all caps, respect) won both gold and silver medals. The Womens Hockey Team won gold. I liked how they had all the mens players up in the box; primo place to scope out hotties. The womans curlers are beauties, and they yell 'hard' all angry. What male doesn't like that? They're also going to win a gold medal. Like Hughes and the gang. 

You know who had no chance of winning the RTPIC? Canadian male Olympic athletes. Those guys are sucking. 'Cept Alex Bilodeau, K-Mart, and the hockey team.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Domebeers.com!

Why would we go and award ourselves the coveted and respected RTPIC? It's our anniversary! 30 days in the ether, or rather, 30 days of Domebeers in the 'Domesphere. It's been a big month for Domebeers. What's that? You want a list of accomplishments? If you insist. In 30 days, Domebeers has:

-Established itself as the most controversial blog in the 'Domesphere. Domebeers didn't set out to hurt anybodies feelings, or break anybodies hearts. It just happens. Within days of our arrival on the scene, we were greeted with much love and support from the Domebeer-aholics. Just as fast, like flies to shit, the haters crawled outta their shanties and hurled hot invective and baseless critics at poor, little ol' Domebeers. Contrary to the very intent and motivation of the haters, such vile encouraged, not discouraged, Domebeers to keep up the good fight. In an epic and violent showdown that is apparently known as 'Domebeers wipes floor with sucka' (I didn't make it up, I swear) Dombeers, uhh, well, wiped floor with sucka. Also, we show girls. Some people aren't comfortable with girls. Those people are said to have 'cryptorchidism', because their testicles haven't descended yet. Or it could be because they have a swollen uterus. That's real yo, and it's a problem. It's called vaginapagina, and millions of puckered-ass-brown-shirt-kill-joys around the world suffer from it. Speaking of around the world...

-Became internationally known, for the way I rock the microphone. Or keyboard. Whatever. According to Google, we've had over 250+ unique viewers to our site, from 5 different countries. You wouldn't believe them either. Guess. Right, did you have Poland? Or Ukraine? Didn't think so. We also get people from the U.K. and the U.S.A. And Canada, of course. Shout outs to Kiev, Katowice, London, New York, Boston, Miami, Los Angeles...the list goes on. Most important of all, it includes readers from Calgary. As this blog was started on a bit of a lark, having those kinds of numbers is very heartwarming. Much love to the army of Domebeer-alohics out there. We are nowhere near our goal of 20,000 people, though. The struggle continues, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang.

-Interviewed Peter Loubardis. Most sites can't get Peter, because he is notoriously shy. He guards his privacy the same way Miley Cyrus's dad guards his daughters gushie. Peter revealed some pretty outrageous things that really upset my bourgeois sensibilities. He also showed off a new tattoo. I thought it suited him.

-We talked about the Flames too, right? Yeah, I remember. Trade for Ilya, sign Ilya in the offseason, sign Backstrom in the offseason. Some good, good stuff their. We also looked at our cap situation going forward, took a look at Stajan, Hagman, Kotalik, Higgins, and Mayers. Who knows why we looked at Mayers. Boredom or drugs, probably. Oh, yeah. THEY FUCKING TRADED COPELAND. FUCKERS!

All in all, a pretty good month for Domebeers. We got on Flamesnation's blog roll, which was awesome. Count them as Domebeer-aholics. We also can count hitthepost, and jointherush as Domebeer-aholics as well. For some reason, M&G won't add me, so they don't get a link. Domebeers has been well received there, though. I'm sure they will come around. Unless they're douchebags.
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Canada V Slovakia. Loungo is a canuck, so the odds he chokes have gotta be up around 89%. Still, I think we get the win. 5-3 Canada.

Having slept on it (no homo) I'm still not a fan of this Bourque deal. 6 years is nuts. It is.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Je Pense, Donc Je Suis

Don't get the reference? Can't read french? Drink Drano!

I've got nothing on this Bourque trade thats new. As a writer, I'm not suppose to tell you that. It's one of the rules. Not talking about the rules is also one of the rules. It's not the first rule. The first rule is you DO NOT talk about fight club.

Honesty is the rule here. Domebeers hates this signing.

Why? Bourque is a good player. Some people out in the ether have made the argument Rene is probably our best forward. Sure. Go with your math. What has math ever gotten us?

Loyal commentator Rubbertrout (seriously, I've seen my numbers, I get a hell of a lot more readers than just Rubbertrout, why no comments?) has even pointed out that some crazies are trying to put Rene in the category of hero player, including his name with the likes of Gaborik, Heatley, Ilya, and most blasphemous, one Sidney Crosby. Does 'fucking insane' have enough weight, as a term, in this situation?

If Bourques our best forward, we are fucked. Period, point blank. Rene Bourque is not a good enough player to be the best forward on a Stanley Cup winning team. His best season? That would be this one, with his whopping 41 points in 53 games. Do the math, over 82 games, at that rate he would have 63 points. He won't play 82 games, of course, he is Rene Bourque, and he is made outta the same shit they made Kim Campbell's time as Prime Minister with.

Last year, Bourque was 178th in the league in scoring. The year before that? 297th. This guys the shit? He is 86th this year, in his free agent year. That's slightly suspicious.

But Domebeers, he is only making 3.3 million a year. Uh, yeah, for the next 6 fucking years. The fans in this city are stupid sometimes. Let me get this straight: Iginla needs to be traded because at 32+ you start to decline, but its a great day to be alive because we just gave a 29 (he'll be that at the start of next season, when this deal kicks in) year old injury prone player a 6 year contract? What the shit is wrong with you fuckers?

Guess how many times this guy has been on some sort of injury list? 24 times. Jack Bauer. In fact, that wouldn't be a bad nickname for the cat.

I would also like to point out that Bourque is only a good player when he is playing like a big man. Big men get hurt because their play is rough. So your signing a guy who has to play in a way that increases his chances of injury to be effective to a six year contract. It makes no fucking sense to me.

To conclude: Sign the guy, he's an ok player. 3.3? Sure, that seems roughly what he should get. Hagman is the same type of suck and he makes 3 million. 6 year term? I think that qualifies this post for the 'What is GM Sutter doing?' tag, because it is simply bat shit insane. Let him walk if he needs 6 years. You can find Rene Bourques.

If your feeling like I'm feeling, you'll appreciate this:


Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Meanwhile, In Flamesland...

We signed the frenchman from Alberta.

Im at work right now, so I cant post something huge. My gut reaction: Domebeers isnt a fan of signing players who have never played a full season  in the NHL to 6 year, 20 million dollar contracts. More to come later.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Soviets Are Soft; Water Is Wet


To all of you Domebeer-aholics out there who think that Brent Sutter is a shitty coach, I got two words for you: Vyacheslav Bykov.

Vyacheslav Bykov was that tool doing his best Mike Keenan impression behind the Soviets bench last night. In case you don't know, let me sum it up for you:

The Coaching Styles of Vyacheslav Bykov (and Mike Keenan)

Step 1: Chew ice.
Step 2: Chew ice.
Step 3: Make sure your team sees how much ice your chewing.
step 4: Lose the game.
 

It's time to get punny. I was shocked to see the Soviets offense 'stalin' the way it did against Team Canada. Where was Saprykin? Im sure he was willing to 'lenin' a hand. Seriously, the Russians play stunk up the joint worse than hot 'gorbachev'. While Canadians wanted to hurry up 'andropov' the puck, our opposition seemed like they were 'russian' to go home. 7 pucks were 'kulacked' in the back of Ivans net. All I heard about before the game was that the Soviets were coming to Canada with 'malenkov' intent. In the end, the Canadians 'khrushcheved' the hopes and dreams of the serfs in the USSR.
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Slovakia is the next team that has a date with Samson and the Guillotine. Domebeers prediction of a Canada vs Finland final is still intact. Just remember, you heard it hear first.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Death To The Nomenklatura

If you get the title, bonus marks!

Why would Domebeers be scared of the Soviets?



Because they will invade your home town and kill your fucking dad. They don't play.

In this tournament I have seen the Soviets Red Army squad play, and I have seen the Team Canada squad play. In my opinion, the Soviets are playing with more passion and heart than Team Canada. I could see us losing to the communists. The hubris that most sites have about this game, and the assumption of a Team Canada win makes me worried. The Hockey Gods have a warped sense of humour.

Domebeers, however, is here to help. We got some confidence for you. Hit it, Johnny:



So awesome. Go Canada, all that.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Peter Loubardias Interview (Part Two)

I don't know if you know this or not, but Peter Loubardias likes to drone on and on and fucking on. Interviewing the guy is like reading Tolstoy (How many Russian princes does Napoleon have to kill? We get it, already!): Stories that go on and on, and a cast of characters of thousands. Seriously, this guy name drops more than Pete Maher. Its embarrassing.

I've broken up the interview into several parts, in the interest of trying to clean up the rambling narrative Loubardias provided. Part one went yesterday, and in it Peter talked about his new tattoo, his relationship with Roger Millions, and the thrill he has working with Charlie Simmers hair. Today, we focus on Peter Loubardias, the person.
...

Domebeers: So Peter, have you ever had a 'Domebeer?

Peter Loubardias: Never. Only degenerate sinners drink. This generations Foster Hewitt doesn't let the devils juice touch his golden vocal chords.

Dombeers: Your referring to yourself in the third person now? Ok. Um, so no alcohol? Ever?

Peter Loubardias: Are you hard of hearing? Never. I'm drier than the Queens royal snatch.

Domebeers: Why is it that someone who never drinks chose to chronicle hockey players for a living?

Peter Loubardias: Puckbunnies! SKEEEYORES!

Domebeers: Wow, Peter. I didn't know you were such a character. On TV you come off as a stiff, boyscoutish tool.

Peter Loubardias: I'm this generations Foster Hewitt, bitch. I don't need your fucking respect. Matter of fact, Domebeers, you keep asking stupid questions and you'll be gone faster than a line of coke around the Kostitsyns.

Domebeers: Are you wound up this much all the time? If you don't drink, how do you keep the edge off?

Peter Loubardias: I do what any red blooded Saskatchewan male does: shoot heroin!

Domebeers: Only degenerate sinners drink, and you shoot heroin. Right, no contradictions there. Well, when you aren't shooting heroin, what do you do for fun?

Peter Loubardias: Well, I've taken to digging up the graves at the cemetery...

Domebeers: Oh, god...

Peter Loubardias: Your not one of them prudes are you?

Domebeers: No, but...

Peter Loubardias: Good. So I dig up the grave, and if the corpses family was stupid enough to bury it with any jewelry or anything like that, I take it. Victimless crime, whats the big deal? If the corpse is fresh enough, I'll take it down to the Hot Stove Lounge and, uh, test out its five hole.

Domebeers: ...I think I'm going to be sick.

Peter Loubardias: Stop interrupting me. Don't you know I'm this generations Foster Hewitt? SKEEEYORES!

...
I will end it there for today. Peter is a pretty reserved, for a TV guy. That's really what I'm taking away from this interview. Maybe I will be able to get him to open up a bit more.

So, Team Canada, your playing the Nazi's in hockey today, eh? Could you do me a favour and beat those teutonic barbarians by, I don't know, 35 goals? You know, destroy them like they were Berlin, or something. Thanks!

Also: Sandros gone. Should I be mad we couldn't resign the kicker? Probably not. Bon voyage, Sandro:



Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Peter Loubardias Interview (Part One)

Its a big day here at Domebeers. We have our first interview ever on the site, and it makes my hemorrhoids quiver that the inaugural interview is none other than Domebeers favourite, Peter Loubardias. The interview was very wide ranging, much like Octomoms vagina. It echoed too (gross). Anyways, because Peter was so 'open' (gratuitous vagina joke #2!), we've had to 'split' (#3!) this interview up into several different labia's (#4!), err, I mean parts. Part one will 'discharge' (#5!) today. Get wet!
...

Domebeers: Peter, before we start, I have to ask: Is that a new tattoo?

Peter Loubardias: Oh, it is, thank you for noticing. You know, when I look in the mirror, it looks like 'Suck I', which is Latin for 'SKEEEYORES.'

Domebeers: Um, ok. It says 'I Suck', actually. I think it looks great. Very Tyson. Anyways, how have you been over the Olympic break, so far?

Peter Loubardias: SKEEEYORES!

Domebeers: Uhh, right. So good then. Ok Peter, what are you enjoying watching at the Olympics?

Peter Loubardias: Well, I have been watching the replays of the games I call . I say, and I think you and your readers will agree with me on this, that I am this generations Foster Hewitt. I'm also enjoying the male figure skating. I can't seem to give my wife proper attention unless I have seen Evgeni Plushenko. SKEEEYORES!

Domebeers: Ok then. I'm loving the candor, but that might be too much information. We don't need stories about you and your wife...

Peter Loubardias: SKEEEYORES!

Domebeers: Right. This is going terribly. Like one of your broadcasts, actually. Speaking of which, what is it like working with Charlie Simmers hair?

Peter Loubardias: Its been great. Charlies hair is always prepared with notes and anecdotes to share with the veiwing audience. Insightful and witty, working with Charlies hair has helped me grow as a broadcaster. I know Charlies hair thinks Im better to work with than that tool who's job I stole.

Domebeers: You mean Roger Millions? I've met Roger, and he says you guys are friends.

Peter Loubardias: Oh, that waste of airtime has a name? That's cute. Look, the only reason that this generations Foster Hewitt even talks to that clown is because his wife looks like she might be a freak in bed. SKEEEYORES!

Domebeers: Peter! Please, Domebeers is a family website, lets not go down this path. Lets move on. Looking at your bio, it says you are from 'Saskatoon, Saskatchewan'. What is a 'Saskatoon', and where on the 'Saskatchewan' is it located?

Peter Loubardias: Oh, I get that one a lot. Its a Yetis birth canal. A SOLID DRIVE!
  
Domebeers: Those are humble beginnings. How did you get into broadcasting?

Peter Loubardias: Well, my first break in this industry was in 1989 as the star of the show Tales Of The Crypt Keeper.

Domebeers: Oh, I didn't realize that's how you got your start. How long did it take to get your makeup on?

Peter Loubardias: Makeup? SKEEEYORES!

...
I feel that that's a good place to end the interview for today. In the interest of rationing content, I will be putting Part 2 of the interview up next week, and so on. We get into more hard hitting stuff as the interview goes on, this was just the introduction banter.

Team Canada was awesome last night, beating the Americans 111 - 0, with Martin Brodeur playing the game of his life. Who needs a butterfly goalie when you have the human puck magnet himself in net. It was good to see that Babcock had the team prepared to come out and play the first period. With that type of jump out of the boys, there is no way we will lose this tourney. Also, I think that Doughty needs to be put out on the ice when the oppositions best players are out, because that guy is a shut down defender if I have ever seen one.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Week Ahead (Also: Go Canada)

Next Week, on Domebeers.com:

- Part 1 of the Peter Loubardias Interview

- Coaching Adventures of Brent Sutter

- Salmagundi (its like gallimaufry)

- Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

...
So the Domebeers attempt at finding out the secret to the 'Domebeers hasnt gone well, namely because of general laziness. Again, I offer an empty promise to work on it.

Dont have much funny to offer this early, so Im taking the easy way out: Heatley diss!