Friday, December 10, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means one thing: Flames lose! Flames lose!

What? Oh yeah, that's right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

As you all no doubt know, to win the award, one must make it through a gruelling gauntlet of numerous nominees. Nominees can come from all walks of life, and can be people, places, things, events, most anything, really.

And this week, like all weeks, the nominees for the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award are strong. And they should be, as a lot of ish went down this week. We had Obama negotiating with the GOP to extend the current tax breaks, only to have his Democrats kill it. We found out Ivy League professors like to sleep with their family members, and that Bea Arthur was a Marine (Tripoli pirates watch your backs). But today, we have to start with the news that every red blooded male has been waiting for. Yes, that's right, Miley's legal!

And she celebrated turning 18 the way any packaged, plastic, pop creation would: by hitting the bong! Steinberg just got excited. Seriously though, this is a great example of marketing in action. Are we to believe that a girl with a lot of endorsements to lose would just let herself be videotaped hitting a bong? Of course not. Miley is changing genres, and her label is having her look made to look a certain way, as they are targeting a new consumer group. So how do we show Miley is edgy and tough and not just for 8 year old girls anymore, but 16 year old girls too? Hit the bong, dude! (On an unrelated not, how does white trash like Cyrus and Spears keep getting album deals? Is North America really that full of pedophiles?)

While we are on the topic of sexual deviants, we bring you the story of an Ivy League professor who was fucking his blood relative. FUCKING GROSS. David Epsein is the cats name, and he taught at Columbia, and has taught at Harvard and other bastions of deviants, err, higher learning. Oh, and he wrote at the Huffington Post. You knew we were going to go there, right? And really, we had too. Not that all liberals are sexual deviants, because certainly deviancy exists on whatever side of the King you sit on. We bring up the fact that a liberal professor at a liberal school was involved in an incestuous relationship because...we need a segue into an Obama story.

Speaking about liberal professors from liberal schools (that wasn't forced at all), has anybody in a position of leadership proved themselves out of their league faster than this Obama cat? Even Darryl managed to keep us buying the hope for at least five years. Obama isn't two years into the job and he is losing everybody (yeah, we read Peggy, what of it?)! And while our political sympathies do not lie with the man or his agenda, it is still very, well, sad to see what is happening to a man that came to the stage with all the hype and promise that Obama did. After taking a historic pounding in the midterm elections, the tin eared President actually made what we thought was a good political decision, and brokered a compromise with the GOP over extending the current tax rates. In exchange for not raising taxes on all Americans, the GOP gave Obama a 13 month extension on unemployment benefits. The two sides also negotiated a payroll tax cut, which would have provided immediate 'stimulus' to families just in time for the holidays. And then Nancy Pelosi heard about how Obama was crafting good politics and she snapped. The House, you will recall, is where the Democrats just lost 63 seats (which is, again, a historic rebuke). The House Democrats, because they all just got fired, really have no political authority to kill this bill. Yet they did. Nancy Pelosi said she would menstruate on anybody who voted for the compromise, and her caucus, trying to avoid some red rain, relented.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is insane. Nancy Pelosi is telling the President what the agenda is going to be? Uh oh. The President has spent the first two years of his time on the job pissing off people who are to the right of him politically, and at the same time pissing off the people who are to the left of him, politically (which, by the way, is telling. Obama got socialized medicine passed, and these kooks aren't happy?). Because of the way he went about passing his agenda, he turned off the independent voters as well. Do you know how bad at politics you have to be to alienate your base, your enemies base, and the independent centre, all at the same time? And because he is so terrible, and he has lost everyone, who is he going to call to provide backup when he needs it? Nancy Pelosi, lame duck, can dictate the agenda to the President because she isn't scared of him. She isn't scared of him because he has no allies. And he has no allies because he spent his time as President acting like a child (Obama famously told the GOP, during a negotiating session over the stimulus, that he didn't need to listen to the GOP because 'I won'). So much for being the smartest, coolest person in the room.

Also, while we are discussing cool people, Bea Arthur, anybody? The 'Golden Girl' was a marine during the fight to crush the Huns (which one, right?) and get this, during her time serving, she got written up! Yeah, she got 'disciplined', and had herself written up in a 'misconduct' report because...she got venereal disease! Hell yeah she was a Marine! OOHRA!

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Alaska Nanooks, and their bad ass fucking Polar Bear!


Please, we implore you, watch those videos. Seriously, they are made out of the same subatomic particles that they make Awesome out of.

Watched the vids? Good. Your life is probably brighter now, right? Your spiritual muscle just got a little pumped, right? How could it not? But what you probably are also thinking, and we know because we thought the same thing, is that you are currently wasting your life. Are we right? You saw that video, and you thought to yourself "Wow. That's what I should have been doing. I should have been making completely insane video's featuring a Polar Bear blowing up oil tankers with hockey sticks made out of lightning." We know you thought this, because that's exactly what we thought, too.

Unless you work in the Flames in-game entertainment department. You saw that shit and were like 'I hope nobody shows that to Ken King, because then we are all out on our asses!' Which, you should all be, by the way, because the video montages at the Dome suck and are boring.

But you know us, we aingt here to just hate. We got an idea for you, Flames in-game entertainment department, and you can go ahead and steal it. Because we stole it. That's how you get good ideas, you find them and you adopt them, like Caesars Roman Legions used to.

We don't know how many of you have ever been to a California Angel game, but we have. And they are fun, let me tell you. You know why they are fun, and are fun, divorced from the baseball game? Because they do goofy shit with the teams mascot, the Rally Monkey. The Angels in-game videos feature a famous movie scene, and they will cut out one of the stars in the scene and replace him/her with the Rally Monkey, which is cheap hilarity, but that's exactly what you are after at a sporting event.

You see where we are going here, people? The Flames have a mascot everyone loves in Harvey the Hound. Why not put the Hound in some videos? Why not use, as an example that might be able to generate some laughs, the scene from Ghost, where Swayze and Demi are doing the naked pottery thing, and replace Swayze with Harvey? See? Cheap, easy humour everyone can have a laugh at. Much better than videos of a serious looking Morrison looking seriously at the camera with a serious look on his serious face.

Or better yet, spoof Godzilla. Have Harvey rise up from the waves to destroy Tokyo. Have Harvey beat up Mothra. That would go over huge.

And while we are on the topic of using Harvey as a marketing tool, do any of you out there not wonder why the Flames don't sell little Harvey The Hound teddie bears? Especially during December? Ken King, who do you have working in your marketing department? Why are we supplying them with ideas that they should have come up with years ago? Ken, look man, we like the Flames. Despite the tone of the site, we really do. We want to help the team be better. We aren't saying that you should hire us, although you should, but send us an email, we can help. We did invent the Domes 'Retro Night', after all (true story).

For being more entertaining than the hockey game last night was, the Alaska Nanook's opening videos win this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award!

Seriously, can you believe they are not selling plush Harvey The Hound dolls? It boggles the mind. The Flames seem to be making money in spite of their marketing department, not because of it. When we are picking stocks, we look at how efficient a corporation is at generating value. Well, if we were looking at the Flames, we would see an organization that is letting opportunities to create profit slip away because the status quo is working today. Which is to say, we don't see an incredibly well run one.

Bourque should be benched for the first period of the game today. Him, Glencross, Olli, all of the players who seem to think they are more important than the team, and seem to think that taking selfish penalties is ok. We are fucking sick of the selfish play. How do you reign that in? You take away minutes, that's how.

This team is full of veterans. That means they are supposed to be smart, and know how to play. These guys are not smart. They are dumb and selfish. The coach has to be harder on them because they cannot be trusted to self police. Look, one of the empty words that gets thrown out a lot about this team is 'leadership'. Normally we would discount the concept. Well, we would like to know if Jarome went up to Bourque yesterday and threatened to pound the shit out of him if he keeps taking stupid, selfish penalties. That's what leadership is, straight up. And we doubt he did.

This team does not self police, even though they are a veteran group. Coach Sutter has been put into a shitty situation by his brother. We understand that. But if this team won't self police, he has to be the cop. Even if that smells like Pee-Wee. 

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


  1. have you seen this ? it makes me mad. mostly because it wasn't written by me or you.

  2. hey ---i'm doing an analysis on the heritage classic seat debacle. wondering if rubbertrout or any of his six-figure buddies have seasons in the 'dome lower bowl, and if yes, in what section(s) they got tix at mcmahon for the HC. cause it seems to me that none of the "prime" seats were actually put aside for calgarians.

    alternately, if anyone's reading this and got tickets in the "green" sections for the HC, i'd be curious to know where they got'em.

  3. that polar bear is the coolest thing i have seen all hockey season