Friday, November 19, 2010
Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award
It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Funerals!
What? Hey, Yeah! It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!
As you all know, the to win the RTPIC one has to make it through a dauntingly grueling nomination gauntlet. It's a wide open field, and winners can come from anywhere. Any man, women, or thing can win the bling. Sloth being a sin, it's probably best we begin.
Our first nominee for a week where our money just got a lot more attractive is what could be the end of START. For those who don't know, START stands for Stupidly Terrible Arms Reduction Treaty. Its aim is to cut into the strategic advantage in nuclear weapon delivery systems America (the good guys) enjoy over Russia (the bad guys). We happen to think nuclear weapons are one of the greatest things man ever invented in terms of things that can establish and maintain a peace. Much better than the Maginot Line. While this treaty has been agreed upon and signed, it has yet to be ratified, and we get have a feeling the new congress is going to be a little less sympathetic to this idea than the last one.
Our second nominee of the week is the TSA, the airline industries government nanny in America. Why? Because they are hot right now; they are everywhere. Honestly, all you have to do to get on the national news is fondle some strangers tits? We're heading to the nearest high school. When we first heard about this story, we were shocked. Who knew a sweet job like this even existed? We went straight down to the airport and were preparing to volunteer when we learned that they make you grab dong, too. Record scratch to the nth degree. The dream was over, and we headed home.
Our third nominee this week is Olli Jokinen. Yeah, Olli Jokinen. Because he cross-checked Wolski in the face. We stood up and applauded when Olli did that. Everyone in this city is crying out about how the Flames don't work harder, play with heart, or skate. Well, here we have an example of a Flame seeing his teammate and countryman Hagman in a little bit of an altercation, he shows some hustle, works hard and actually skates to get himself in position to make a play, and then he shows some heart and hits the guy in the face, ala Flame favourite Chris Simon. And Wolski kills the Flames, so it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. The Flames should cut Joker the 3 game cheques he is going to lose as a result of a suspension handed out by an office that has little legitimacy.
The winner of this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award is JB Smoove.
JB Smoove's father was Energy, and his mother was Timing, and the two actually met for the first time at the corner of Hilarity street and Entertainment avenue. It was a fortuitous meeting for the two, and they began pounding their nasty's almost immediately. Sadly, JB's mother would wake up to a full uterus and an empty bed.
Little JB would have a harsh childhood. Being born from the lions of Energy but never having Energy around in his life to teach him how to act, JB was often involved in trouble. He would break into houses and not know when to leave. He would start fights in the middle of regular conversation. He would turn porn on in the middle of the living room when guests were over. He was a just a mess.
One day, though, fate would intervene with young JB. He would smoke some crack and calm his ass down.
On a crack binge through Asia, serendipity would have JB happen to have a chance meeting with one Harvey T. Hound. Harvey was traveling through Asia on a sabbatical, having suffered a crisis of faith. 'They don't cheer' Harvey would complain to JB. 'Fuck that shit, Dog, they don't cheer because you don't cheer. You gotta bring the energy. You gotta bring the, man what the fuck, you gotta bring the energy Dog' JB would respond. The words of wisdom struck Harvey in a profound way. JB's energy rubbed off on Harvey, and he regained his lost zest for life (the gangsta DJ JB travels with didn't hurt things, either).
For giving Harvey the vigor and jump he is known for, JB Smoove wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.